Let’s talk about people. Or, more specifically, people’s weight.
When you meet someone, what’s the first thought that pops into your head? There are probably a good handful of them, but I’m willing to bet with a reasonable amount of certainty that none of them are along the lines of: “Ahhh, now there’s a nice 145 [lbs],” or “she’s a size 6 I’d like to be friends with,” and if they are, well then… you’re kind of a jerk. And your estimations are probably way off. Sorry, just being honest…
Hopefully, and more than likely, you’re thinking something along the lines of how sweet or how kind the other person is. How funny. How smart. How fun to be around. Or maybe they’re the complete opposite, and while unfortunate, that still doesn’t change the fact that you’re not thinking about the other person’s numbers, are you? Not how many inches make up their waist or how many calories they ate for lunch. Their shoe size, perhaps? Laughable and unlikely. Why? Because our numbers have nothing to do with who we are. They don’t identify us. They don’t mean anything to anyone. Except us. We allow them to have so much power in our own lives… why?
I came across this quote the other day and I really wanted to share it with you guys in hopes that it’ll hit you like it did me.
How much of our time do we waste focusing on something that, essentially, doesn’t matter? How much happiness do we [willingly] miss out on by beating ourselves up over a few vanity pounds? How much delicious food do we pass up just to be able to see our abs a little bit more clearly when we’re standing in the bathroom by ourselves? Too much. Far too much. And why? Hoping that we’ll find happiness in the pocket of a smaller pair of jeans? It’s not in there. Believe me, I’ve looked.
Let me take you back a few years – back to when I was completely obsessed with numbers. Calories. Macros. Weight. Those things were the center of my life, and everything else got pushed to the side. I’d spend hours planning my meals and workouts, and pass on spending time with friends because I couldn’t fit them in to my carefully crafted schedule. That and I didn’t even want to fit them in. Friends meant I couldn’t eat or work out how I wanted, and that was all that mattered to me at that point.
And what did I have to show for it in the end? I was a whole lot thinner, sure. My pants were way smaller, yup. But was I happier? Not even close. In fact, the irony of it was that the thinner I became, the unhappier I became as well. The more effort I put into looking for happiness in numbers, the more strongly it evaded me. I based my entire life on something that did.not.matter, and slowly lost everything that did. Live and learn.
We spend a lot of time trying to change ourselves, but what if we redirected those efforts into trying to accept ourselves instead? Sure, we may need a slightly bigger pair of pants, but we may also come to discover that it doesn’t really matter… The happiest people aren’t the ones who are comfortable in a size 0. The happiest people are the ones who are comfortable in their own skins. The problem is that it’s a whole lot easier to lose a few pounds than it is to accept those few pounds, so that’s the route we usually end up taking. Just something to think about.
No questions for today, but I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences concerning weight and happiness.
I think that quote is perfect. Life is so much more about numbers.
This reminded me so much of Ellen DeGeneres’ monologue a couple days ago where she addressed the Abercrombie & Fitch CEO. You’re both so right – and I think it’s something that every one needs to be reminded of…especially here. There is SO SO much more to life.
You are so wise friend. Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I think God uses our trials to grow us and then use us. Like he is doing here. You encourage others to see the true beauty in their bodies. Not a number. When i weighed less, i worried more and had low self confidence. To be happy in your skin and in our body can do wonders! But boy oh boy we have to give up A LOT of control to get there. AMEN!
Really well said, friend! I think a while back I was bordering on getting a bit obsessed over what I ate and how it was affecting what I looked like and it’s too much. Now I weigh a little bit more and while I’m not thrilled with how I look, it’s not awful. I don’t need to rearrange my life just so I can fit in a workout, I don’t need to turn down every unhealthy food item.
That said, I don’t have to say yes to everything either. Lol, it’s a delicate balance.
“The happiest people are the ones who are comfortable in their own skins.” -> This is SO true! Actually, for me, I can’t think of a single skinny person I’ve gotten to know who was comfortable with the way she looked like yet quite a few society would call “chubbier” that are. And then obviously a lot who are just “normal”: neither skinny nor overweight. Of course that doesn’t mean I can be sure they never have any negative thoughts about themselves but overall they’re happy. I enjoy being around people who are in tune with themselves the most. Just recently when I met a friend for some ice cream it was such a lot easier to enjoy the food seeing how easy it was for her.
Right now I can’t say I was at a point where my own weight didn’t matter to me anymore. Yet, more often then not I find myself thinking that I’d really rather meet a friend, eat some more and relax than stress about possibly gaining a bit of weight. Happiness isn’t measured in the size of jeans we wear or amount of calories we eat but the experiences we make.
I’ve definitely noticed the same thing – generally, the skinnier girls always seem to be the ones who are a lot more insecure, and I’ve watched a lot of documentaries where models admit to being the most insecure of all. Just more proof that the belief that gaining self-esteem by losing weight isn’t all that accurate.
Thank you for sharing that quote. I can really connect with that :).
“I based my entire life on something that did.not.matter, and slowly lost everything that did. Live and learn.” <–THIS. Yes. And now that we've learned, we are LIVING.
My story reflects that so well. I had graduated from college and moved to the city I always wanted to live in so that I could pursue my dreams, and….. I lost everything. Because I let my ED take control of me more than ever. I had the opportunity of a lifetime, but I chose to count the dismal amount of calories I consumed each day via fruits and salad and took sleeping pills to knock me out by 8pm. In the end, I lost more weight than I ever had but I also had to lose my job and move back home to recover.
As much as I feel awful that I put myself and my family through that whole experience, I'm at least thankful that I did learn from it and am ready to embark on a very similar journey…. except this time, ED is truly not a part of me but a mere memory.
I’m definitely thankful for my experience as well, because as difficult as it was to get through, I feel like I’ve come out of it a better and stronger person. Just gotta believe that everything happens for a reason.
Gosh, I’ve never thought about weight like this. All the time we spend obsessing over 5 lbs and skinny jeans are just a waste. It really is crazy to think how much more we could do with our lives if we replaced these negative thoughts with positive ones. Good post!
I wrote a post like this a while back. People get so caught up in the exact number and this is just a great post. No one notices whether you have gained or lost a few pounds…it takes time and a lot of time at that. Great post per usual. 🙂
Boy you said it! I don’t know what else to say other than I completely agree and I couldn’t say any of this better myself.
Gosh, ALL I have ever wanted is to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Thick or thin. Fat or skinny.
Numbers be damned.
I feel like I have nerve damage or something because I am LITERALLY uncomfortable…. but you know what? Kind of like you wrote here…. I am trying to focus on ANYTHING but the discomfort because the fact of the matter is when I am most comfortable in my skin I am so much less comfortable with my level of happiness and health and sanity.
I love this! The title alone got me excited to read it. This was a huge concept for me to grasp when I was recovering. For a very long time it was all about my size and my weight. Once I was able to get past all those numbers I found so much more happiness.
This is so well-written and perfectly said! We think that everyone judges us or decides that they want to be our friends by how we look which is completely inaccurate!
Love this post, and that first quote really resonates with me (though the disordered part of my brain fights against it). I’m a healthy weight. I’m active. I eat relatively well. What does the rest of it matter? Thanks for sharing.
Posts like these are always a great reminder about the true pursuit of happiness. Our weight and body is not what we should focus on which is so hard to believe in the culture we live in. I loved reading this post as it was the perfect reminder to let go of the things that hold me back.
Ahhh I think you said it perfectly! I do think taking into account our weight is important in terms of the obesity epidemic we’re facing today, but I don’t think that it should be taken so far as to become unhealthy. I completely understand when you say that calories were the #1 thing in your life–I’ve skipped so many opportunities to hang out and just be with friends because I didn’t know the calorie counts of restaurant food.
I also used to weigh myself every single day (sometimes multiple times a day), and let that number define me. I love the fact though that now, I can step on a scale (usually once a week-ish?) just to make sure I haven’t severely gained or lost any weight, and even if the number’s a little higher than it normally is, I don’t beat myself up about it. It is what it is, and the only thing I can do is to nourish and care for my body and let it do the rest!
This is such a fantastic post! My answer may be a bit wonky because I’m on painkillers 😉 but I’ll do my best.
It’s so so sad all the moments, minutes, days, and even weeks I spend over worrying how much weight I gained or how “fat” I was especially during the days of early recovery. Well, even all the minutes before recovery when I still thought I was “fat”. Ick.
It’s so sad what a disease and illness like this can do to us. And it’s so true. Every size smaller I became or pound lighter I was, the more sad I was inside. Being skinny never made me happy like I thought it was “supposed to”. Life is much more than the calories and measurements of food. And abusing our body with improper calorie intake and harsh exercise. It’s about the people we meet, who we are as a person, and the way we treat others. And also making experiences.
Such a great post, per usual.
So I want to print off a million copies of that first image, frame a copy for myself and hand it out to every female (and male) that I know. Honestly, I believe that every moment I spend worrying about my body/weight/measurements in my ED, in recovery, and in the fleeting thoughts of a recovered lady are a waste of space in my mind. It’s sad to think of what I could have done with all the time in my life I’ve spent worrying about my weight.
Because that’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? The people that love us don’t love us for the size we are or how we eat…it’s all about personality and who we are as a person. Sure, I’ve been skinnier in my life and I could be smaller now, if I really wanted to be. But there are so many more important things I’d rather focus on. Having fun with friends instead of worrying about how many calories I’m consuming in our drinks/late night food run. Cuddling with the boyfriend instead of rushing off to the gym. In the end, Eric, my parents, my family, my friends…they all love me for who I am, not what size pants I wear. And frankly, the time period when I was at my skinniest was the saddest part in my life. I would never consider myself to have been suicidal at the time, but I plain did.not.care. what happened to me. Now that I focus on so much more than my body and the food I eat, I can honestly say that I love life and what happens in it…something that would have been a complete lie 3-4 years ago. Society and the media tries to push the idea that skinnier you are, the happier you will be…and it’s complete bullshit.
I think about that too, sometimes. It’s like yes… I could be skinnier… but is it really worth everything that I’d have to give up? Having to watch everything I eat. Having to follow a rigorous workout schedule. I mean, I know there are a lot of people that do it and claim to love it, but it’s just not for me. There are way too many other things I’d rather do… and eat 😉
I am completely drawn to people who are laid back and smile. People with smiles are the people I love to be around and hang it with during the day. It sounds weird but I love having a person with me who makes me WANT to smile because his/her smile is contagious. Maybe it’s my obsession with teeth or maybe it’s just the fact inner confidence/beauty is the ultimate first impression.
I’ve lost myself so much over the years. I remember the high school days where people would love to be around me and would say nice things about me. Of course, some people didn’t like me but the majority of people did because I was a HAPPY person. Then, about 70 lbs later… I’m alone, broken (literally), and so just…. gone. I love food but when food became my enemy… Things just… changed a lot. And what the hell? Why is food the “bad guy”? It just is so much of a mind game. Looking back, my best times were about 20 pounds heavier than I am now.
I found the same to be true for myself girl. The smaller I became the unhappier i was, I’ve really started to notice over the past few months as I began to put on and keep the weight I should have a long time ago that i am so much happier these days AND able to do things i never thought possible. Sure, I still have my days where things are rough mentally, but i’m able to push through those knowing that it will get better and I have a lot more confidence in myself and my abilities than ever before. Life is a lot better when I’m eating what i want without worrying about it, and I plan to continue to remember that and act on it!
I’ve definitely noticed those changes in you, girl, and I couldn’t be happier for you <3
you just made my day with that, love 🙂
Amen, girl. I really love that quote, actually, because it made me think about that phrase “exquisitely happy” and, instead of fostering all that self-abuse the comes with the number obsession, what kind of activities could I engage in instead to foster that sense of being “exquisitely happy” and what exactly that means to me…hmmm…very interesting thoughts for a Monday!
Great post. The best (and hardest) thing that I’ve done was stopping correlating my happiness with how skinny I am. It’s a false relation, but still one that was very present in my mind and hard to get rid of.
This was so empowering. I have been having a lot of negative thoughts lately about my size and why can’t I just lose weight, etc. This really hit it in the head when that isn’t our calling. Spending time doing that will make me miss out on other important things. I don’t look at others and try to guess their size, or weight, or anything like that. I look at them and listen to them for what they are and what they are saying! I’m hoping people do that to me, too. We are our own worst critic, afterall. It’s sad to think that, but it’s true.
Beautifully written as usual, Amanda! If we put even half the effort into embracing and loving ourselves for who we are rather than trying to fit into a mold that ISN’T YOU, life is so much more worthwhile. Life shouldn’t be about abusing ourselves with food or exercise or deprecating thoughts. And life throws enough curveballs at us already – no need to pelt em at ourselves for no good reason! Thank you for the reminder.
Very true. I look back at how much smaller I was at one time and I don’t think, “oh I looked so good.” I think, “Oh wow, I remember how miserable I was. I remember how weak I felt. I remember how depressed I was.” Most of the time I suffered from a ED I was actually over weight but that doesn’t matter. It’s amazing how truly “FREE” you feel once you throw all that out the window, once your life isn’t just calories and worrying. You can actually have good times, have dreams and put them into motion, you can look at how beautiful life and everyone in it really is. It really is a feeling that you want to scream at the top of a mountain. That you’re HAPPY, FREE, and LIVING! That’s the only way I can explain it.
Sometimes I think reading blogs affects the way I feel about myself. Some bloggers eat clean 24/7 and never cheat. Their life, workouts, and their bodies look perfect. But it’s unrealistic to look up to those insane standards. I’m sure their life is far from perfect since perfection doesn’t exist. I don’t read those blogs anymore because I don’t like comparing myself to them. I’m happy doing what works for me and if that means eating a piece of chocolate, then I will do it 🙂
The one quote that comes to mind is: “Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.” Remember that you never see everything on blogs – only the good stuff.
Hm, it is like you read my mind. What I needed to hear this morning. It is something I know but it is not something I have yet to internalize and fully embrace. Acceptance is still so tough.
A-freakin’-men! There is more to life than those last few lbs…at the end of the day, you’re not going to remember those salads you meticulously made and workouts you ticked off! Nope, you’re going to remember the times you shared with loved ones and memories created! This is the best sentence I’ve read all day, Amanda: “The happiest people aren’t the ones who are comfortable in a size 0. The happiest people are the ones who are comfortable in their own skins.”! Happiness should come from within, not from some electronic piece of machinery or a clothing label…and if it does, that’s kinda shallow!
I dunno, girl… some of the salads that I’ve made have been pretty epic 😉 But I completely agree – it’s all about the moments, and I’d rather mine be filled with happiness than bad memories of saying no to delicious food.
I agree – people shouldn’t be hypercritical of themselves and their numbers. It is just a number. With that said, it’s important to be a healthy weight… not underweight and not overweight. We need to respect our bodies, be active & fuel them with nutrient rich foods so that we can live long, healthy lives.
Great post, I completely agree, but I will admit, I get caught up in numbers.
Another refreshing post. I love your insight into these topics- they’re all the things I wish I could put into words but I just don’t know how. I remember loving being a smaller size. I actually felt pretty good about the way I looked, I was proud of the fact that I could wear jeans from middle school. But the thing is, it wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t happy. I’m more social now (sometimes). Being obsessed with the numbers and the calories is not worth wearing a size that’s meant for a child, not a 21-year old girl. I don’t weigh myself and I can’t remember the last time I counted calories. Clothes are the only indicator of size that I have anymore, and I choose to focus on the number of minutes I’m spending with friends and family over how small of a number I can fit myself into.
could not agree more – there is a very very very fine line between finding happiness in numbers vs. being obsessed with numbers. Recently I have been trying to shed few pounds and I tried myfitness pal and first couple weeks were trying to fit between the numbers but now I have in tuned my body and I am happy with whatever number it is because even though I did not lose much weight I am eating better and exercising more regularly 🙂
Being healthy is really the most important thing 🙂
I’ve never thought about these things in this way. I continually struggle with body image and it’s nice to have a new perspective suggesting that our relationships are not based on these things, even though my rational self knows this. And really, what’s more important than the relationships we build? Aside from being healthy, nothing is more important. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this post. I struggle daily with worrying about gaining that pound or two and have always let the scale be my happiness indicator. I’ve been trying to only weight myself once a week and it’s hard!!
Girl, I hear ya on this. But sometimes I feel like I just cant freaking win. I lost 20 pounds when getting my PhD (on purpose, not because of stress although there was plenty of that) but put about 10 back on this year in my first year teaching. So I can say I am able to go out and have more fun with my friends, but now Im constantly thinking about how my butt jiggles more. Ugh. And sometimes I cant decide which is worse…but hopefully over time I will figure out the weight that I can maintain with the least amount of stress in terms of what I am eating and how I feel. Im so proud of you for getting there already!
It definitely takes time, and it’s not 100% foolproof – I still have my days – but it’s nice to be able to realize that those days pass and not get too affected by them. You’ll get there, girl! Be patient and forgiving with yourself.
I am REALLY struggling with not weighing myself this month. It was one of my goals for the month of May to not weigh myself, but I can’t say that I haven’t been thinking about the scale and that I haven’t been thinking “When June 1 comes around, I’ll weigh myself.” I’m not sure why I’m so obsessed with the scale. I’m still “thin”, I still fit in my clothes, and I’m happy and confident in my skin. Because of this, it doesn’t make sense to me why I’m obsessing over not having the scale. I love to eat, I love to run, and I love to be happy. I don’t know if I have this subconscious pressure on me to stay thin? I have a lot of friends and family who look up to me and admire my healthy lifestyle, and I think there just might be a lot of pressure that rides on that that I have to maintain the image that I’ve created in their minds. I’m definitely healthy and do not restrict myself, but I can’t say that weight/body image doesn’t cross my mind at least once a day.
very well said!! I definitely spent too many years when I was younger worrying about the number on scale, it’s unfortunately something I learned at home and it makes me really sad to see how much joy it still takes from my mother. It’s a hard mindset to change, but once you are free of it…oh my the world is just brighter!! Sharing this with everyone today!
Thank you, Amanda 🙂
Girl this is one beautiful post. I’ve often looked back on my life and thought to myself if I dedicated the kind of time, energy, obsessiveness to ANYTHING else besides weight in high school and my early twenties, i could have been a physicist or an astronaut or, you know, something successful in a field of study that gets you farther in life than counting every calorie. All I learned from those 10 years is when i’m at my thinnest, life sucks. life is about balance, not extremes. i used to get my “confidence” knowing i was the thinnest in the room. yup, that sentence used to make sense to me. now, i just, i cant believe i ever thought that way.
Soooo true! I tell ya, gaining weight has been hard for me lately. Don’t get me wrong, it comes on easily enough – it’ the mental aspect. I’m supposed to get bigger, and I’m very happy to do so. However, when you spend most of your life focusing on staying small, it kinda’ hits you funny.
I can imagine. I can’t speak from personal experience, but I’ve heard from a lot of women that pregnancy really changed the relationship they had with their bodies in a positive way. And the blessing that comes out of it is more than worth the few pounds 🙂
ahhh yes, I can relate! It’s not always easy to see certain changes in my body, but in the end it’s all good because it’s amazing that it’s the result of giving life to a precious little baby~keep it up and don’t give up, Tiff!
If I say something totally cliche and sappy, will you still be my friend? I hope so. Because I’m gonna.
When I first meet someone, I can see their inner beauty shine through. I can tell if they’re confident, warm, and bright. Those are the things that make me like someone. I rarely judge someone based off of weight/jeans size, other than models in magazines, which sadly, I still do. I try to avoid it, though, so that counts for something!