I was originally planning on writing a completely different post today, but something happened yesterday that I couldn’t quite ignore – I was on the receiving end of a comment. Mmm hmm. Not a mean, snarky, ill-meaning comment given in an attempt to tear down my not-so-delicate state of mind, but a completely ridiculous comment that just left me thinking: “What the eff…“
So here’s the story. Grab a cookie and get comfy.
I was running a little late after work and really needed my afternoon caffeine fix so I decided to pick up my daily cappuccino from a different Starbucks than the one I normally frequent. That’s fine. I was at the bar placing my order (grande cappuccino) when the girl behind the register said to me: “You’re pretty skinny, but you could probably be a lot skinnier if you started drinking skim milk instead of 2%.”
… 😯 … the hell?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I ordered a side of [stupid] advice along with my coffee. Oh wait – that’s because I didn’t. I bit my tongue and swallowed my smart-ass “skim milk tastes like dirty water” comeback, going with a more neutral this-is-neither-the-time-nor-place-to-talk-about-this reply instead, but her comment really got under my skin. Not because I thought she was implying that I needed to lose weight (I don’t), or that I was seriously considering her “advice” (I wasn’t), but because I guess I’ve gotten to a point where that kind of thinking just feels so foreign to me…
I don’t really think about calories or losing weight. I look good, I feel good, and I’m healthy – that’s all I care about. Could I be skinnier? Sure; I used to be. Was I happier? No, definitely not. Contrary to popular belief, skinny is not synonymous with happy – in fact, the skinnier I became, the more miserable I was. We tend to fall into the trap of thinking “Oh, if I just lose a few pounds my life will be so much better,” but it won’t. I’m sorry, but if you can’t live with yourself at a certain weight, making yourself smaller isn’t going to help. You may feel temporarily satisfied, but you’ve dealt with a symptom instead of addressing the problem – whatever it was that caused you to feel that way in the first place is still there, you just put a band-aid over it.
And I’m not trying to say that I’m any better – God knows I’ve spend a good chunk of my life trying/hoping/wanting to lose weight; but if recovering from my eating disorder has taught me anything, it’s that a life spent focusing solely on ourselves and how we look is a life wasted. It doesn’t bring true happiness, and only takes our attention and energy away from the things that really matter. What really matters? People matter. Helping others matters. I kid you not that shifting my attention away from what I could do for myself to what I could do for other people has been one of the biggest factors in my healing process. There’s a big wide world out there, and it’s full of plenty of more important things than being able to fit into a smaller pair of jeans.
. – . – . – .
No questions today; I’d just love to hear your thoughts.
Ok, I just clued into this post and there are a few things I wanted to say as a response. Before I do, let me preface this with my anger is NOT directed toward you (it is at the half-wit barrista that didn’t think enough to keep her mouth shut!).
1. What a biatch. Why on Earth would you say that to ANYONE, let alone to someone who is healthy and happy and just wanting a damn cup of coffee??
2. I am highly impressed with how you dealt with it- I think I would’ve been so irritated that I might have snapped back at her.
3. I am happy that you are happy with you! That is all that matters on this planet and I know you have worked long and hard to get there. Good for you for not letting some ridiculous unimportant person pollute your brain!
That is all. 🙂
Thank you, Whitney <3
What the….? How can someone actually say that? Or even think that? I respect you so much for the way you handled it. I know a lot of people would have made quite a scene out of that situation. You are gorgeous and it really is because you are HAPPY. That’s why. Love your blog and you are such an inspiration! I’ve struggled with a minor eating disorder and have experienced similar feelings and fears as you. So thank you for your thoughts and honesty with everything. 🙂
“…and you’d be less of a bitch if you just shut your trap and took the freakin’ orders” is the response that popped into my head. That is TOTALLY uncalled for. Clearly this girl has some issues with her sense of self-worth and her values. If I were her manager and I heard that I would have her so fired!
The ever illusive state of “skinnier”. It’s always there, we could always be skinnier, but at what cost? This makes me think of the time my mum told me I was looking “heftier”. She didn’t mean to offend me, but come on, who wants to be called hefty?? It put me in a really bad state for a while. Even now, when I button up a particularly tight pair of jeans I think “I wish I had the body from when these were looser”, but then I remember that I was MISERABLE at that time! Oh yeah, and baggy-even-though-they-are-supposed-to-be-tight jeans look horrible.
Good job for letting the new you push back against this comment instead of falling into a terrible state of mind and skipping your afternoon cookie. I had 2 kinds of cake for my birthday last night and I feel damn good about it! You look amazing, you ARE amazing and you should feel damn good about that! Lots and lots of love xoxoxo
Two cakes?! Jealous! One of them better have been chocolate 😉
What the heckkkkk?! First of all, where did that girl learn her manners? In what world is it appropriate to say something like that? If people want nutrition advice, they can go to an RD, not to their local coffee shop. Second of all, amen to skinny not meaning happy. I’m heavier than I’ve been in over 3 years, and I’m a helluva lot happier. Because enjoying food, eating treats, and being confident in myself is way better than being skinny and basing my happiness upon my weight.
“enjoying food, eating treats, and being confident in myself is way better than being skinny and basing my happiness upon my weight.” <--- Amen
OMG, what a dushbag of a girl! I seriously want to applaud you for not letting this comment get to you. It really shows what a strong woman you’ve become. And you’re totally right! Most women/girls are sensitive when it comes to their body image and then to say something like that…. I mean, come on! She clearly lives in the “fat-free” phase and needs a whole lot of education. Your beautiful, strong and confident!
First off, what an idiot. Perhaps she was jealous of you and trying to make herself feel better? Good job holding your tongue, it would’ve been all too easy to snap back. It reminds me of something that happened to me not too long ago at a coffee shop. I ordered my hot chocolate with soy milk and as they were making it I HEARD the girl complaining about how annoying it was to make stuff for people who got soy milk. Sorry for having an allergy? I could’ve said “I can hear you”, but figured someone so shallow wasn’t worth it.
Holy CRAP who randomly says something like that?! I mean I know I am echoing what everyone else is saying here but yikes, this is just like… well it makes me fear for the human race (among other things). You are strong enough to hear such a comment and realize what a ding-dong she is… sorry about the harsh language… and move on with your life. Clearly she is missing something from her own existence and has the audacity to put it onto other people in such a hurtful and just plain DUMB way
wow. this post is real. first off – what a b*tch at SB. and second – you are totally right when you say skinny does not equal happy. healthy equals happy. friends and family equals happy. and a skim milk cappuccino is nasty as crap.
What saddens me most about the comment that girl said to you was the fact that you were probably not the first person who has heard it from her. You are thankfully strong enough to realise that it is a bizarre comment to a beautiful girl but as others have mentioned…What if the next girl who hears this is not happy in themselves? When I was struggling worst with my anorexia every comment was a catalyst that could be twisted into a criticism in my head so for a stranger to so brazenly suggest you become skinnier and casually question your choices around the milk in coffee could be an atomic bomb for a vulnerable person. I’m so grateful to hear this story and to hear your strength in it. I just can’t believe people can be so rude! When did our bodies and our choices become public property for public criticism? And even worse…..when did our relationship with our bodies become the subject of marketing campaigns such as ‘what will you gain when you lose?’ (Special K). You are completely right when you say weight loss is only tackling a symptom just the same way as weight gain after a period of eating distress will only restore our bodies….We need to be strong in ourselves, for ourselves and then challenge our emotional reactions to the things in life that try to chip away at this strength. Thanks for such a great example!!
I do worry about her saying stuff like that to other people, because I know that comment would have triggered me pretty badly back when I was far deeper in my disorder. I was actually thinking about going back to talk to the manager so that he/she could kindly explain to her that that’s not how you deal with customers.
Oh wow. Thank you, random stranger, for your unsolicited advice. This is so wrong. I actually have to admit that I think you should have said something snarky back. I always do when people comment on my body because, to be honest, they have no idea what my state of mind is. My first thought is always “what if they had said this to me when I was anorexic?” Whether it is positive or negative, the effect was always bad. Even positive comments made me feel like I need to work “harder” to look even “better” or they would make whatever friend was with me feel bad because they weren’t on the receiving end of the comment. It’s just bad all around! Good on you for handling it so well, but seriously…the poor manners aside, she was actually wrong. If all you did was switch to skim milk, I guarantee you would not lose weight. The body is not some fine tuned instrument that will go from thin to supermodel skinny by drinking skim milk. D’oh.
I didn’t want to start anything with her because it honestly didn’t bother me enough to put the effort into being snarky. My only regret is perhaps not going to talk to the manager, because yeah… if she had said that to me when I was deeper in my ED, it would have just wrecked me… and I’m kind of worried that I’m not the first person she said something stupid like that to.
I’m… speechless. Seriously I probably would’ve called her a name (..bitch??), punched her & than walked away as if nothing happened 🙂
Wow, just wow. That’s such a ridiculous comment for someone to make, especially a total stranger. I feel like so much of the world is obsessed with weight and appearance and it can really be hard to navigate that world while recovering from an ED. I still struggle with dealing with comments from friends, family and even strangers about my size or eating habits and I think people should really think about the consequences of what they’re about to say before they say it. I try not to say anything to anybody about their weight or what they’re eating because I know I wouldn’t want anyone to say anything to me and I don’t push my style of eating on anyone else, because I hate when people judge me for what I am or am not eating.
Very true. Eating and weight are such personal matters, and even when people mean well, a lot of the times their comments are just out of place. I remember asking everyone around me to not comment on anything when I was recovering from my ED, and it definitely made things a lot easier.
I hate ignorant comments like that. I remember my ex-best friend told me once that it would take me 12 years to eat a wrap that I ordered. Excuse me? I didn’t tell her it would take her 12 secs. Idk, some people just need to NOT open their mouths…
seriously. what the eff?! Who just says something like that?? Someone who obviously has no idea what she is talking about. I’m so glad you were able to just ignore her and move on with your day. I hope she gets some milk spilled on her. Preferably skim, because we don’t want to waste the good stuff – 2%. 😉
Her comment was so out of place :/ but you really handled it like a champ! I admire you so much!
I have to say….second most to your self confidence what I admire most about this is your SELF RESTRAINT! I honestly hate to say this about myself but I probably would’ve turned around and said something like “really? cuz it doesn’t seem to be working for YOU…” (regardless of her size) just out of spite….okay maybe not but I absolutely would’ve thought it in my head!. Anyway I agree. I too, could be skinnier if I drank light beer instead of the quality ales I actually like, if I stopped eating froyo whenever I felt like it, if I didn’t have a piece of dark chocolate after dinner every night, if I ate egg beaters instead of eggs…..and I HAVE been skinnier by doing all these things but you know what? the difference is about five pounds, and back five pounds ago, everyone including my boyfriend and all of his friends were telling me I needed to GAIN five pounds! It actually kind of boggles my mind why women everywhere still think that skinnier is ALWAYS better no matter how skinny you actually are. I’ll admit my own mind falls back into that at times, but…..it’s not true. I know that from 1. experience (five pounds isn’t worth the happiness and lesser anxiety) and 2. most men in the world that I’ve dated or been friends with prefer women NOT to be skinny at all costs or even….skinny at all. LOL. But yet, with women, it’s this constant competition of who can be the smallest. I’m not at the point where I don’t still get trapped in that – believe me in groups where I don’t win that contest I get a little anxious – but I’m aware that it’s totally the wrong thing to be focusing on. For me too, overcoming the biggest hurdle of my food issues happened out in Colorado where I was completely focused on….okay well still on me, but on other more important things that mattered to me – my job, making friends, doing the best possible job on my grad school applications, exploring the mountains, keeping in touch with my college friends….enjoying a friggin beer every once in awhile! Gah. well now I’m rambling, but in short…..Preach it girl, you could be skinnier but why would you want to and why would it matter?
Also…..who the hell SAYS that to a total stranger?!?!?!?!?! like………wtf???
You’re kidding me! This just makes me hate Starbucks more! LOL!! Such a stupid comment, what the hell compelled this BARISTA to say such a thing! Since when is he/she Dr. Oz… 2% milk, suck on it yourself! That person should be fired, so stupid!! I guess you will be heading back to your usual Starbucks tomorrow, lol!
My jaw literally dropped as I read this. First off, you are beautiful. And second, you are so right, there are plenty of other issues that take precedence over weight. Side note, you handled the whole situation like a rock star!
That girl obviously has some issues… & lacks sensitivity. Wow. I love how you didn’t let her get to you & how you wrote an amazing post from it. You made many good points… being smaller isn’t going to make you happier if you don’t already love yourself. Sometimes I need a reminder in that, so thanks! Being happy & healthy is what counts. 😉
Hooookkkaaayyy what the heck is up with that chick?!?! If she caught me in a foul mood, I probably would’ve b*tch slapped her right across the schnoz! I really admire you for keeping a cool head and being able to reflect on your progress thusfar. That right there goes to show how much you’ve grown and matured in your recovery! Truly inspirational! 🙂
PS– Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you comment on my post girl. It really meant the world to me to know I have your support. Even though I may not always comment, know I’ll always be reading your blog because of positive, motivational posts like this one. 🙂 Oh and feel totally free to email stalk me heehee 😉
<3 <3 You know I will :)
First of all… that girl is CRAZY! Second of all – you are one wise lady.
Thanks for the post – was needed.
Why does this girl give a flying %$#@$ what kind of milk you drink????? People are so pathetic!
Honestly? I probably would have looked her in the eye and said, “You know, you’re pretty skinny, but you could probably be a lot skinnier if you threw up every meal”.
I’m not the biggest fan of 2% milk (in our house, we drank 1% until I was 10 or so and then switched to skim), but I do love my non-skinny soy milk, vanilla flavoured please. 🙂 I was drinking almond milk, but let’s be honest, it was because I wanted to cut out the cals. No more, my friend, no more.
And you know what … I’ve been really upset about a lot that I read today. These past 10 days or so, I feel like I’m seeing the world (blog world, in particular, but real world as well) in a whole new light. And I realllllly don’t like what I’m seeing. Seeing all of these things, and reading this post (and other positive ones like it) have me that much more resolved to keep moving forward. Not because I want to prove that I’m better than anyone else, but to prove that I’m better than this disorder that has everyone so g-d fkng deluded that they can’t think straight anymore, don’t know what’s real and have no way of determining what’s right and what’s wrong.
I have been a reader for while and have never commented, but this erks me! I truly can not believe how focused on food, weight and body image our society is. It truly is sad. It seems like the majority of people have a dieting mentality these days. I had a friend who was full of advice like that. It was impossible to eat anything around her because she always had something negative to say about food and weight. And it turned out to really be about her. She entered treatment a year and a half later. I am so happy you put this on your blog. I believe unsolicited advice about food and weight and/or comments about body image (both positive and negative) are entirely inappropriate 99 percent of the time. I shudder to think about my children growing up and being either praised for being skinny or teased for being chubby. Hopefully society will have turned it around by then. Love your blog! I am an avid reader.
Thank you for your comment, Lauren 🙂 Society does indeed seem to be obsessed with dieting these days, and people almost look at you like you’re crazy if you tell them that you’re not trying to lose weight. It’s like “What do you mean you’re not on a diet?! Everyone’s doing it!” 😯
You slapped her right?
Haha! It may or may not have crossed my mind, but I didn’t want to get arrested for assault over something so stupid 😛
That’s a ridiculous comment — not something you should tell a random stranger. Depending on the tone she used and what she herself looked like, it really could have been taken a million different ways! From ditzy chick repeating some dumb fitness magazine tip to jealous b*tch who wants to ruin your day.
Random tangent, but…. I find it annoying that people who know your past (and/or current) struggles say similarly stupid things like that. Like, “Did you know that there’s this peppermint oil stuff that apparently makes you lose weight?! You could just put a couple drops in your oatmeal for example!”. It makes me wonder, “Did you learn anything from what I went through in the past few years?” I know they’re not trying to be rude and probably don’t realize their mistake because a) I’m healthier and my current physical appearance is a big indicator, and b) if you didn’t suffer an ED, you’ll never understand it. But still…. I’ll have my own parents say stuff like that but then freak out and get suspicious if I go to the gym…?
Can you bring it to their attention and ask them to cut it out? I think my parents learned pretty early on not to say stuff like that after we had some serious issues in the beginning of my recovery. We joke about goofy stuff like that now, but only because it’s easy to just laugh at it and not take it too seriously.
I usually don’t really encourage the conversation in any way, so I just let those kinds of comments kind of go by the wayside… they don’t bother me enough to put a damper on my day or anything, but if they did happen to really offend me, I would definitely speak up!
As for my parents, because they themselves are in this constant quest to be healthy (my mom isn’t a “greasy” cook, and while neither parent works out or is that active, they both have maintained their weights for as long as I can remember), they easily forget that sometimes *I’m* part of the audience as well… but no worries, they encourage and applaud my eating PB with a spoon and extra servings of dessert 🙂
That is awful that she said that. I say she must’ve just been jealous of you 😉 Some people need to think before they speak.
WTH?! People have no filter! I would have responded with… yah I could be (and used to be skinnier) and a hell of a whole lot sicker! I’m choosing to invest in life and wellness these days! I’m so sorry you had this experience!
Wow. It sounds like you handled the situation gracefully, and I’m glad you pointed out that it wasn’t exactly an appropriate thing to say. Honestly, I think I would have asked to speak to a manager. Not to get the woman in trouble, but perhaps to let the manager know that some “sensitivity training” in general might be in order. That kind of comment could really do some damage, and even though you’re taking the high road, to someone else it might really be devastating. Or, you know, they might jump the counter and throttle the cashier. So it could be for her protection, too. 😉 I really do believe people need to be made aware when their comments are inappropriate or hurtful – given my line of work, (and being recently married!) I’m also really sensitive to comments about people procreating. No one’s business, and it could be pretty intense salt in a wound.
Yeah I actually kind of regret not talking to the manager and I’m thinking of going back and saying something, because that kind of comment definitely would have wrecked me back in the day.
Ah who says things like that?!?
But thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this post! I definitely need to have this message reinforced in my life on a regular basis to stop me from going back to a darker place where all I cared about was being thinner and the guilt I felt because I wasn’t.
I really do love reading your blog 🙂
ooooh that makes my blood boil!! I would’ve given her a piece of my mind right there. No shame. You are beautiful and have a gorgeous body. She or anyone else has no right to comment on your body. I actually hate when anyone–strangers, family members, etc.. make comments about my body weight or size. It’s such a personal issue. Another thing lately that gets me super angry is fitness instructors that say things like–“this move will really slim your thighs or flatten your tummy.” I even hear it in Yoga classes!! First off–I don’t think it’s possible for one move in particular to necessarily flatten or tighten someone’s body–it’s a wholistic thing that takes a long time and exercise is just one part of the equation; also it focuses too much on the body rather than on exercise making one feel good.
oh boy. i dont usually comment or post on anything but that is insane. try not to let it mean something different than it does (aka register girl being retarded..perhaps jealous?)
seriously crazy.
wow… I have no words. People can be so cruel and say the meanest things! I’m proud of you and how far you have come!
I’m always really surprised at what workers say to customers and how rude/out of line they can be at times. I HATE talking about the nutrition of food/people’s weights/what should be eaten/shouldn’t/exercise etc. etc. Everybody is going to do what they want and THEY will figure out what is best for them…it’s no one else’s business. I think I’m so sensitive towards that stuff because I am so used to being on the receiving end of the comments (gone from chubby to too skinny to food intolerances). It’s so hard to try and have a positive self-image and love your body when you’re constantly paranoid that people think otherwise and your paranoia is confirmed by little comments like that. I hope your coffee at least tasted good…heaven forbid you have her again, you should just go all out be like, “With FULL FAT milk, EXTRA whipped cream…but PLEASE be sure to HOLD the unwelcomed, snarky, comment that is inevitably perpetuated by insecurity for one’s self-image *smirk*” I think I actually just feel bad for her…she probably is more insecure than we all realize and just jealous of the fact that you can GASP drink 2% milk without worrying about its effect on your jean size. Keep being you…you’re so good at it : )
“heaven forbid you have her again, you should just go all out be like, “With FULL FAT milk, EXTRA whipped cream…” <--- 😆 Oh man, that had me in stitches... I totally should have done that, and I'm actually kind of tempted to go back and try that out...
Wait, was it April 1st already in Canada yesterday?! Seriously, what did that girl think who she was? She clearly misread her job description …Sorry you had to deal with that … person, Amanda! You’re such a beautiful girl and can’t even imagine somebody being that rude towards you. Hugs!
I’m working at Subway and some of the clients ordering “double meat, double cheese” certainly could do with less judging from their physique. But honestly? That’s none of my business. What I’m supposed to care about is preparing them a delicious sandwich and be polite. Whether it’s a slim person ordering 2 % milk or a rather chubby one requesting a greasy burger: To each their own.
I think this is especially critical seeing as you only see the customer in front of you, knowing nothing about him or his (food) history. Triggering somebody can be so easy. I’m glad you’re in a place now where you can be angry about it but shrug it off, not even considering to switch the milk (or worse). But there are many who would be for sure and I can’t say for sure I wouldn’t be one of them.
There was a time when her comment definitely would have wrecked me, but after having to put up with the misery that comes along with that kind of mindset for so long, I just got fed up and decided it’s not even close to being worth it.
I’m a new reader, (WIAW brought me here- and I’m glad it did) and I have to say that comments like this definitely can be triggers for some people. es, we are in recvery and that’s great! But dumb comments can still affect people, especially individuals like us who are recovering from an eating disorder. Everytime I hear a friend, family member, or stranger comment negatively on food, I can’t help but think about it and wonder if I too should be worried. Anyway, I’m sorry she said that, but I’m glad you’re in a good place now and were able to recognize the comment as being ridiculous!
I definitely would NOT have bit my tongue – what the hell! That is out of control lol she had some nerve
Could not agree more, especially this point: “a life spent focusing solely on ourselves and how we look is a life wasted”. That to me is the most important thing that someone can learn. When you focus all of your energy into working out and eating right and trying to lose weight or reach a smaller size or whatever it is…you have to ask yourself WHY. What’s the point? If you work your butt off, maybe you do reach your “ideal” size and weight, but at what cost? Skipping dinners out with friends? Saying no to desserts? Choosing a workout over a night out on the town? Is that really how you want to live your life, is it something you can do forever? Probably not. So eat the damn cookie, drink the damn beer, and live a balanced life.
*raises her [cappuccino] and eats her cookie* Amen!
Gah, I’m sorry Amanda. That’s really ridiculous that there are even people on this earth who would offer uncalled for advice like that. But hey, on a positive note– look how AWESOME your reaction to it was! You may call me crazy, but I’m convinced that sometimes God puts uncomfortable situations in our lives just to see how we respond to them.
And you are SO right. A life focused on weight and appearance is a life completely wasted. After all, we all WILL be old and wrinkly one day 😉
That’s not crazy at all, Brittany! I actually love that way of looking at those uncomfortable situations. Thanks for that perspective 😀