I was originally planning on writing a completely different post today, but something happened yesterday that I couldn’t quite ignore – I was on the receiving end of a comment. Mmm hmm. Not a mean, snarky, ill-meaning comment given in an attempt to tear down my not-so-delicate state of mind, but a completely ridiculous comment that just left me thinking: “What the eff…“
So here’s the story. Grab a cookie and get comfy.
I was running a little late after work and really needed my afternoon caffeine fix so I decided to pick up my daily cappuccino from a different Starbucks than the one I normally frequent. That’s fine. I was at the bar placing my order (grande cappuccino) when the girl behind the register said to me: “You’re pretty skinny, but you could probably be a lot skinnier if you started drinking skim milk instead of 2%.”
… 😯 … the hell?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I ordered a side of [stupid] advice along with my coffee. Oh wait – that’s because I didn’t. I bit my tongue and swallowed my smart-ass “skim milk tastes like dirty water” comeback, going with a more neutral this-is-neither-the-time-nor-place-to-talk-about-this reply instead, but her comment really got under my skin. Not because I thought she was implying that I needed to lose weight (I don’t), or that I was seriously considering her “advice” (I wasn’t), but because I guess I’ve gotten to a point where that kind of thinking just feels so foreign to me…
I don’t really think about calories or losing weight. I look good, I feel good, and I’m healthy – that’s all I care about. Could I be skinnier? Sure; I used to be. Was I happier? No, definitely not. Contrary to popular belief, skinny is not synonymous with happy – in fact, the skinnier I became, the more miserable I was. We tend to fall into the trap of thinking “Oh, if I just lose a few pounds my life will be so much better,” but it won’t. I’m sorry, but if you can’t live with yourself at a certain weight, making yourself smaller isn’t going to help. You may feel temporarily satisfied, but you’ve dealt with a symptom instead of addressing the problem – whatever it was that caused you to feel that way in the first place is still there, you just put a band-aid over it.
And I’m not trying to say that I’m any better – God knows I’ve spend a good chunk of my life trying/hoping/wanting to lose weight; but if recovering from my eating disorder has taught me anything, it’s that a life spent focusing solely on ourselves and how we look is a life wasted. It doesn’t bring true happiness, and only takes our attention and energy away from the things that really matter. What really matters? People matter. Helping others matters. I kid you not that shifting my attention away from what I could do for myself to what I could do for other people has been one of the biggest factors in my healing process. There’s a big wide world out there, and it’s full of plenty of more important things than being able to fit into a smaller pair of jeans.
. – . – . – .
No questions today; I’d just love to hear your thoughts.
Good Lord some people need to be slapped. Amanda, Ive met you. IN PERSON. Trust me when I tell you that you are perfect the way you are (not that you need the reassurance, I know you already know all this!)
I mean really, you are a much better person than I am, cause I wouldve ripped into her. The issue I have is, what if she says something like that to the wrong girl? A girl like you USED to be. Someone who hates herself and thinks she’s hideous and refuses to eat. Or a girl who is tetering between throwing up her breakfast or keeping it down. That’s just another trigger right there.
People can be so disappointing sometimes.
That’s actually what I was worried about too, which is why I kind of regret not going to the manager and saying something. I’m still considering going back and letting someone know, because yeah… a comment like that would have wrecked me back in the day.
I always hate when I hear other’s comments to friends/family about weight. Unless someone asks for “tips” on how to lose a few pounds, the barista had no right saying anything about your appearance, weight, etc. If you asked her how she thinks you could lose a few pounds, then her response would have been okay. But no wayyyy should she just say it out of nowhere.
It makes me sick when I hear girls say they believe their lives would be better if they were “skinnier”. How about healthier? Whatever happened to being healthy? I’m sure if they started working out more they would become more “fit” or “healthy”, but why is it ALWAYS skinnier.
And it comes down to the famous question I ask myself day after day, “Would I rather be skinny and alone or healthy, curvy, and happy”?
I’d go with the latter. I’ve done the skinny and alone thing, and it sucks…
Who says that? Time like these I have to remind myself, you can’t please them all. I’ve gotten both positive and negative feedback from being too thin, or not thin enough, but I’ve learned that none of that matters if I’m not happy. Actually, those things would matter, and did matter, at my thinnest, but they shouldn’t and you own health and happiness is what’s important.
Thanks for sharing this. You’re right. If people focused on helping others, or at least being sensitive to the fact that your words have impact on others, the world would be a much more pleasant place.
WOW…seriously?? This is the perfect example of what is wrong with our society today. Unbelievable!
so first of all i love the way you handled this whole post – as usual you have such a great head on your shoulders and some dumb comment from a starbucks employee won’t bring you down, but i’m really trying to put myself in the mindset of someone who would say that. it’s not as if you solicited advice on the caloric contents of the drinks at bux so i just cannot fathom what possessed her to say anything. so bizarre. plus amen to the part of your post that you have been skinnier but you certainly weren’t happier. definitely felt that before.
I have no idea what would possess someone to say something like that either. It’s intriguing more than anything else…
Does this girl know that skim milk actually has more sugar than 2%? Which is worse, the natually inherent fat content in the milk or the added sugar to make it taste better?
More than annoyed at that barista’s comment, I’m flabbergasted. Regardless of your size, who on earth is she to comment on your dietary choices?! It’s people like her who encourage eating disorders. She has already recognised you are slim yet “advised” you to drink milk with even less fat.
That aside, I completely agree about skinniness not equating to happiness. Even at my biggest, I was very happy. Although I’ve gained tremendous amounts of confidence from losing weight, it hasn’t been the determinant of my happiness. The relationships I foster, work I do, hobbies I pursue (to name a few) contribute to my happiness…not just what I see in the mirror.
What. The. Fuck??!?!?!!!! I think my jaw just hit the floor. Excuse my French but it is TOTALLY necessary. I mean, you are gorgeous and I’d say quite slim from what I can tell but a healthy slim so you have that glow too. I’d say that this girl had some of her own weight issues and decided that all the stuff she’s been reading about how SHE should be losing weight because SHE wants to, she’s going to tell everyone else about like some smart-ass who knows best about how the whole world should live. What a freak.
And for you to handle that situation so well? You are amazing. I would have definitely have taken that to heart. I just don’t even understand AT ALL where she was coming from.
Neither do I. Apparently she’s the weight loss guru and knows so much that she just wants to share the wealth 🙄
WOW. Just wow. So what DID you say?!
I just smiled sweetly and told her that I’ll stick to my original order because I’m not looking to get any skinnier. She actually looked a little taken aback – apparently, everyone and their dog is trying to lose weight. Who knew.
That is AWFUL. I hope you emailed to complain – that sort of comment is completely out of line, regardless of who they said it to and why they said it. I would have left the shop immediately! I hope you’re ok. I know that you are strong enough and smart enough to smile and walk away – but she shouldn’t think it’s ok to say that to anybody!!
I’m fine 🙂 Thank you, Christina <3
OMG!
It’s probably a good thing I wasn’t there….I would have been tempted to leap across the counter and punch her in the face. I mean, there’s unsolicited advice, and then there’s “Who the f*ck asked you!?”…she falls into the latter, to say the least.
“it’s full of plenty of more important things than being able to fit into a smaller pair of jeans.” – the world would be a much better/more productive place if everyone had that attitude. You’re awesome! <3
That being the case… I kind of wish you were there 😉
Girl, my jaw just dropped. Definitely don’t internalize what that idiot said. Screw her and the milk, haha.
…oh, and i want to commend you on not flipping out and throwing your coffee on her – regular milk and all – because i’m not so sure i wouldn’t have lol 😉
ok seriously, as soon as i read her comment i literally just scrolled down and clicked, “add new comment” because i needed to vent!! what on earth?! there are seriously so many things wrong with that statement i don’t even know where to start… ok, so maybe i’ll start with the first part: she’s not even right – which leads me straight into the second part – on what planet would it be socially acceptable to even say something like that even if she was right – which brings me super fast to the third: YOU ARE GORGEOUS! and, oh – THAT’S RIGHT – ‘gorgeous’ (or any other definition of beauty) has nothing to do with the word ‘skinny’!!! i’m just going to stop typing or i’ll take up your whole page lol …but you have a GREAT day because that little coffee girl is crazy!!
Thank you, Jessica 🙂 <3
It really is appalling to me that people think saying shit like this is normal and ok. She may have meant no harm at all, but what was the point?? If I were her manager I would not be happy with her comments to customers. It’s just unprofessional. Thank bajeebus you are in a state where a comment like this doesn’t mentally EFF with you. I hope you were able to brush it off after a few hours and chalk it up to some dumb girl without a brain towards customer service. Drink that 2% mama you are PERFECT and I think your body is bangin!! MEroww!
No harm done 🙂 My main reaction was actually “Oh, I’m so blogging this sh*t…”
wow…this reminds me of a picture I saw on pinterest yesterday…it was a beautiful girl, who was average weight, and it said “:beautiful is healthy, not skinny” and its so true.. Its about how you feel 🙂 Stupid lady!
Holy crap Amanda. My mouth is still open from that girl’s comment. You handled that so incredibly well, and I think your response now about focusing on what you can do for others is wonderful and so true. I would seriously like to go smack that girl (and probably would have tried if she had said that to me and thrn walked away in tears)… Thin isn’t better and doesn’t bring happiness..,people do like you said (some more than others esp in this case)…fingers crossed you have a great day love 🙂
Wow! I can’t believe she even said that! Some people are just…ugh. I bet she would be a lot happier if she wasn’t worrying so much about being skinny! You are awesome Amanda!
WHO. DOES. THAT.
I mean….
But yes, pressing further, it is so shocking to think our society is such that this woman thought nothing of giving you that “awesome tip” because….”duh…doesn’t every single woman want to be skinnier?”
Actually? NO. WAKE UP is what I want to tell these people…meet more real people and stop watching whatever TV you are watching and whatever magazines you are reading!
The lesson that you are driving home here (weight loss does not equate to new life, new personality and no problems) is one that is brutal to learn and also very VERY easy to forget for most of us — thanks for this reminder.
What a bitch. I’m not going to apologize for that harsh comment, but I’m in true disbelief that there are people out there who believe that it’s their place to criticize other’s choices like that. I love how you handled this whole ordeal– knowing me, if that comment was made on a bad day, I could have easily gone completely insecure, questioning if I really did need to lose more weight, if it was obvious to others, ect. You rock for finding the inner meaning behind this experience and it just goes to show how far you’ve come. LOVE YOU!! You’re so strong. 🙂
There was definitely a time where a comment like that would have triggered me into doing stupid things, but I think I’ve just experienced enough misery as a result of that kind of mindset to basically give up on it. God, I must be getting old or something…
WOW
Yeah – you can’t say that to customers. It is offensive, rude and not at all ‘advice’. I think I would have said something along the lines of “you know what really can help make you skinny? Not drinking your drinks EVER.”
Hahaha, sorry, that made for a pretty good giggle. I cannot believe that there are people out there, who offer that freely their stupid advice to a customer! It’s a shame her boss was not around. And than I started to wonder if she tells the same thing over and over again to every customer who orders a cappuccino on her “make the whole world skinny by drinking skimmed milk” – mission… missed the point here, did I? Sorry, my mind is just not able to focus today.
You have my respect for keeping a civil tongue, guess my reaction would have been quite nippy. And I hope that your healthy mindset will keep you from having skimmed milk in your coffee ever again!
Yeah I’m not sure she’ll keep her job long with that kind of mouth on her. And I’m pretty sure I could never switch to skim milk… it does taste like mirky water to me.
That is so sad of what our society has become. You are much better then me..I would have called her out on it and probably said something to make her feel extremely guilty. Not just guilty but extremely guilty about her wise ass remark.
Oh my goodness! That is so incredibly rude, unnecessary. Wow, I think a lot of that comes from peoples own insecurities, but to say it is just so wrong. It’s just a little unbelievable people think they can comment on peoples weights like that. I’m proud you reacted to it well, you are so beautiful and healthy which is most important! But, a way out of line comment! Have a great day love!!
all I can say is wow. I think it’s a sad world when people start saying stuff about how we look and what they feel is socially acceptable. She doesn’t know what you’ve been through, and that’s so messed up of her to even think to say that to a customer. It would really hurt me hearing something like that because I know how sensitive I am to comments. I know I shouldn’t place blame, but hearing my ex boyfriend tell me my pants were too tight and telling me I shouldn’t eat so much was the beginning of my disordered eating. Once he was gone I realized how unhealthy I was acting. People really need to think more before they speak because one comment can destroy a persons mindset. I’m glad to see you’re strong enough to not let it affect you 🙂
Comments like that are definitely out of line, especially given the high percentage of people that are struggling with body image, and the dangers of that leading into a full-blown eating disorder. Some people are just ignorant 😡
Not going to lie – that comment kinda enrages me. Who is she to say anything – especially if you are healthy. I’m glad you didn’t let that bother you all too much, but in my opinion, that comment was way out of line. She doesn’t know you…
WHAT THE EFFFFF gosh I can just so imagine the suck of breathe that was taken right out of you when they said this. I have been on the receiving end of way too many comments of this nature. I still remember coming out of treatment with my dad and we met this lady. I had never met her before but she remembered me from high school. Well let’s just say her way of introducing herself to me was saying – oh wow you are a little chubby now. Ummmm how do you even respond to that? I do the same thing though, I know I could be skinnier but was I happier? Oh hell no. Was I more well rounded? Oh hell no. I was miserable, friendless and so confused. Embrace the 2% kid – I will keep eating my full fat butter please and thank you
😯 She said that to you?! Holy.crap. I probably would have shot back with something like “oh wow you are as dumb as ever.” No words for that kind of stupidity.
WHAT.THE.FRIG. I can’t even deallllll. She is such a jerk and clearly has a WHOLE host of her own food/body shape/weight issues. Ughhh. WOW.
UGH. Those comments. I’m happy they don’t bother me as much anymore, but I swear, they used to be a major trigger.
Recovery is a beautiful thing 🙂
Unbelievable. I absolutely hate being given advice when I didn’t ask for it. Like being a vegetarian, I seem to get comments on how to get more protein in my diet every month or so. Um, I didn’t ask, thanks.
I also find it interesting when people ask women when they’re expecting…like they make this huge sweeping judgement that a woman is pregnant, and we’re not. That happened to me once years ago when I was wearing a dress. Unless I’m bulging out, don’t talk to me about my size or weight.
Oh man, I loathe that girl for you! I’m just not sure where people get off thinking they can comment to a complete stranger on something they have no right to intrude on. I would like to know if she would’ve said the same thing to an obese person, probably not, which is even more messed up. I had a random person ask me one time what I did for my “butt” as it looked large. Really nice, huh? I’m glad you’re able to vent about the comment & not get too worked up over it. My girlfriends & I always say “People are terrible”…it’s sad but true!
Oh my. I really can not follow why somebody would give such an advice to someone. Especially not when she wasn’t asked her opinion. Your reaction was just perfect. I sometimes even feel sorry for people who are still in the belief that the skinnier you are the happier. I am just really happy that I found a whole community here who is not letting such comments bring them down and who pray healthiness instead of skinniness (that sounds weird I hope you aunderstand what I mean….my English is just so bad on some days).
You come across perfectly clear, Lucy 🙂
whoa. i can’t believe someone you are PAYING to make a drink would feel they had to right to bodysnark? yikes….plus i guess she still doesn’t realize that fat doesn’t make one fat. ugh…you are a gorgeous girl and most likely much happier than she is right now as evidenced by her callus comment. just let it roll off like water…
I would have punched her in the face
ditto.
What a moron! I mean, what kind of idiot would actually say that to a person. I wouldn’t even say that to my best friend who actually IS trying to lose weight. Wow… just wow.
You, on the other hand, are brilliant. I wish I could scream this on a mountain top for every woman to hear, “Contrary to popular belief, skinny is not synonymous with happy.” So true, yet so often forgotten.
Yeah I couldn’t believe she said it to a complete stranger. Girl is going to have a hard time keeping her job with an attitude like that…
Yes! Love this x 1000000. If I was in your situation, I probably would’ve had a hard time restraining myself from giving her the nutritional analysis of skim milk (of how & why it sucks). Haha.
The thing with ‘health’ is that we have a tendency to measure it only by physical standards – how much we work out, what we eat, how we look, but, like you said, it never addresses *real* health: how we feel. Being honest with ourselves can be a scary thing: once we realize what’s not working, we’re forced to make a change. So, in some way, we may use exercise & food as an avoidance/coping mechanism. Without addressing the WHY, we will continue to fall back into destructive behavioural patterns.
For some reason that comment reminds me of this quote from Napoleon Dynamite: “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that because you think you’re fat? Because you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” Maybe she was referencing it in some really strange, backwards and rude way?
Hehe! Well that’s a lovely way to try and see the good in people 🙂
I have to say I get really miffed at the idea of anyone making comments like that in reference to their body and size, especially strangers. I think you did well to keep your cool! I think its just evidence that for some reason society puts all of us under pressure to feel like we should be striving to be thinner, even those of us that are already normal sized. It just makes me sad x
I am SO sorry you had to go through that. I think I’d die if someone said that to me. I’d definitely cry about it. Who cares if you like 2% more than 1%? I do! You have to do what you need to do, not what everyone else tells you to do. I can’t believe someone would say something like that. I’m actually in shock right now.
No crying over 2% milk 😉 I think what shocked me most was the fact that she was just so frank about it – I don’t think I could ever say that to a complete stranger.