Happy What I Ate Wednesday, friends!
Keeping things rolling with NEDA week, I’m going to use today’s WIAW to talk about some of the food-related freedoms that recovery has given me.
Please note… This is not me trying to boast or be all “Ra, ra, ra! Look at me and how awesome I’m doing!” No. This is simply me highlighting some of the positive aspects of recovery for anyone who may be struggling and thinking about giving up (don’t do it!), as well as trying to provide a better understanding of the life/mind of someone with an eating disorder for those fortunate souls who’ve never struggled with one themselves.
And now that we’ve got that out of the way, I give you… some great things about recovery…
[ not being afraid to go back for more food if I’m still hungry ]
Breakfast: whipped banana oats layered with plain Greek yogurt and topped with ground flax, cinnamon, roasted almond butter, and blueberry jam.
There’s nothing worse than finishing a meal and not feeling satisfied. Okay, there are worse things (terminal disease, Chinese water torture, being stuck in an elevator when you have to pee), but not quite filling up the tank enough is definitely up there.
This used to be the story of my life. I’d finish my last bite but still feel like I could use more. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I needed more food when I already felt like I was eating so much, so I wouldn’t let myself grab anything else. It also probably didn’t help that my meals were planned out to a tee, and there was no going over a certain amount of calories before a certain time of the day — hungry or not.
No more of that nonsense. I’m hungriest in the morning, and some days are worse than others. Yesterday was one of those days… which is why 20 minutes after breakfast, this happened…
[ life not revolving around meal times ]
Morning snack: an applesauce oatmeal muffin [with MIA coffee]
My life used to revolve around my eating schedule. I ate every 2-3 hours, which meant that I lived my life in 2-3 hour increments… having to pass on anything that might take longer. I liked to be alone when I ate so that I could enjoy my food to the fullest without distractions. I picked classes in school that didn’t interfere with lunch/snack times, and I passed on outings with friends if they meant having to stay out longer than 2 hours. Spontaneity was non-existent, and heaven forbid something came up that interfered with my schedule — instant panic attack.
[ not spending hours trying to plan ‘perfect’ meals ]
Lunch: leftover sesame chicken stir fry courtesy of Mom.
The amount of time I used to devote to trying to plan the “perfect” day of eats is kind of insane. Balancing macros, distributing calories, entering foods into online calculators, prepping/cooking meals… It’s no wonder I was constantly stressing about not having enough time to do anything– I spent a good 2-3 hours on this stuff every.single.day. These days, I usually have no idea what I’m going to eat until I’m actually sitting at the table, and I’m lucky if I can work up the motivation to do something more complicated than pour cereal in a bowl and top it with milk. Leftovers from Sunday night family dinners are my favourite because they mean real food that I didn’t have to make myself… and it makes me sad to think that those used to be ‘forbidden’ because I didn’t know what kind of ingredients my mom would put in them.
[ not being a slave to the clock and constantly thinking about food ]
Afternoon snack: a bowl of quinoa cooked in coconut milk, topped with plain Greek yogurt, homemade applesauce, and coconut butter.
I used to live to eat. It was pretty much the only thing I looked forward to, which isn’t all that surprising considering my body was starving and food was the only thing it was interested in. Any time I spent with food was euphoric, and any time I spent without it was dragged out torment. I remember finishing a meal/snack only to start thinking about the next one, and hungrily watching the minutes pass by in agonizing slowness, impatiently awaiting the arrival of the hour where I was “allowed” to eat again. Yeah. My days kind of sucked.
[ not being afraid to eat what I crave ]
Dinner: banana oat Greek yogurt pancakes topped with almond butter…
…. and some chocolate chips thrown in for good measure š
You guys know I’m a huge fan of breakfast for dinner, but there was a [sad, sad] time in my life where I wouldn’t allow myself to have it. I had a certain picture in my head of what a proper dinner should look like, and I wouldn’t deviate from that picture no matter how badly I wanted a bowl of oatmeal or a stack of pancakes instead of my plate of rice, chicken, and broccoli. I thought I was doing the right thing by eating balanced meals with plenty of veggies, but the only thing I was doing was forcing myself to leave the table less-than-satisfied-and-still-wanting-more. These days, brinner happens at least a few times a week, and I have to say that I feel much healthier as a result š
[ not going to bed hungry ]
Evening snack: a thick and creamy chocolate smoothie (sans coffee, plus spinach… because my veggie consumption has been SLACKING lately)
Whoever came up with the idea that we shouldn’t eat past a certain hour needs to be taken to a dark alley and beaten with a sack of potatoes. For real. I definitely fell victim to this diet myth, and I can’t even tell you how many times I forced myself to go to sleep when I was hungry, only to be woken up in the middle of the night by the protests of my empty stomach… that is, if I was even able to fall asleep at all. Worst.feeling.ever. No more — bedtime snacks are my lullaby.
And that’s all, folks! Of course there are plenty more amazing things about recovery, but I just wanted to outline a handful of them that had to do with food, seeing as it is WIAW and all. I should probably end it here, though, seeing as this post has already become epic in length šÆ I’ll see you guys tomorrow for a body image / recovery themed Thinking Out Loud! I’d love it if you shared your own experiences with body image, food, and/or exercise struggles, but you’re more than welcome to share regular random thoughts as well.
Talk to me about bad food habits. Do you have any that you’d like to overcome? Have you had any that you did overcome?
More places to find me!
E-mail — [email protected]
Twitter — runwithspoons
Facebook — runningwithspoons
Pinterest — runwithspoons
Instagram — runwithspoons
Bloglovin — runningwithspoons
Love this and YOU! So happy you are healthy and happy!!
I really love this, food is so much nicer when it is truly enjoyed without worry. š
You better not bruise those potatoes by beating down former ed thoughts. They didn’t do anything to you, other than be delicious. š
Thanks for sharing this. I can’t even really imagine what it must have been like, but I appreciate the glimpse and can say I understand a bit more as a result.
Lovely post. I consider it a triumph when I go to bed stuffed the gills these days. I’m trying to break a getting up in the middle of the night – disrupting sleep cycle – and eating junk food habit. It’s 99% less likely to happen if I’m nice and full and satisfied before I go to bed. š
Your posts for NEDA week are really helpful for me. I have recently realized that I was not eating enough and working out too much, and I was very close to having an eating disorder. I really relate to a lot of the things you write about it, and it’s so good to see how it can get better! I’m already making progress, but hopefully I’ll be to the point you seem to be at very soon! Thank you š
It’s great that you caught it early, Shannon š The less time it has to sink its roots in, the easier it is to get rid of.
Such a great post! I have been “healthy for over 4 years now. I didn’t even realize how all of my food thoughts and planning are so related to my eating disorder. Thanks for making me think.
Sharing my story for NEDA week
http://www.inallofhersplendor.com/2014/02/24/fitspiration-my-fitness-story/
You have come so far girl, you should be so proud!! And OMG… those pancakes – I die, I die… mmm…
You know, I never understood why I liked eating alone so much… I think that I like to savor my food. I get a lot of anxiety when I don’t have healthy meals planned out and when I go somewhere to eat that doesn’t have something healthy (i.e. salad, lean protein & veggies) on the menu. It’s SO DUMB that I let food get to me so much. I’m trying little and little to relax – not planning every meal out to be perfect, to know it’s okay to snack (nuts and kind bars have been my go-to)… and I actually feel so much better and I’m not gaining 100 pounds like I think I will in my mind.
so much freedom, so happy for you!!
keep inspiring others, keep crushing life girl š
I can relate to every single one of these thoughts. I can’t say that they are completely over fears. I still shy away from grabbing more food or going with what I crave. I don’t eat in 2-3 hour incriments anymore, which is a HUGE success. I mentally still calculate calories naturally. It really brings up my anxiety which sucks. I can’t wait to be able to enjoy food without all of these burdening thoughts.
All delicious eats I may add. š
It all gets better with time — even the calorie counting š Of course that’s something you can never really forget, but over time it becomes less and less important to the point where you just don’t bother to think about it anymore.
This post helped me more than you know! š I am working through ALL of these things as well and so it was a huge encouragement to get a peak into your own journey. Thanks for sharing!
Love this post and again love this theme for the week on how you are raising awareness.
I think you’ve shown to others how it can be to recover from an ED as well as maybe shown some people that they have an ED without knowing it.
Food wise drooling over the whipped banana oats and those pancakes.
I really love this – when you’re in the throws of an ED you start to believe this is how you will stay forever and you can’t see that things will get better. I have recently had a little relapse into my disorder, and I am struggling with the things you pointed out.. It’s tough, but thank you for giving me hope that things can get better. Right now I have a fear of feeling full as I’m scared that will make me feel sick, so I am trying to work on eating little bits often. Thank you for your blog and sharing your message x
Great post! Love all the things that recovery brings. I’m discovering so many of those things myself. A life of freedom, like God designed us to live, is such a wonderful feeling!
It is, isn’t it? After getting a taste of it, I honestly can’t imagine ever going back…
All of your eats look amazing! I bookmarked the muffins to try to make this weekend. š
What a great post – such useful information embedded with beautiful pictures of delicious meals. I had a disorder in high school where I would work off most of the calories I ate in a day and because I was eating a lot still I didn’t think I had a problem (boy was I wrong). A good friend and my mom confronted me and I started to do less cardio (I was doing hours a day š ) and I started to recover. Luckily none of the characteristics of ED have popped up since but I always check in with myself to make sure. Thanks again for the great post – it really hit home as I too spent countless hours totalling up calories.
It’s crazy how consistent disorderly habits can be amongst those who suffer. I used to have a lot of your same habits. The clock was my almighty ruler. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking too much about eating times. For me, that’s been the hardest habit to break, and it’s been years since my lowest point. I think even non-disorderly eaters think about eating times to a certain extent, but there’s definitely a line between a reasonable amount of thinking, and an obsessive way of thinking. If you’re planning your life around food, that’s no bueno. Time is a man-made concept. Intuition is not. Learning to eat intuitively is one of the best things we can do for our health. I’m glad to see you living this way. š
I hate the rule about not eating within x amount of hours before bed. I’m so glad I don’t follow it anymore – because sometimes I get home from rehearsal after 10 and I am so hungry. Awesome post Amanda!
i know there’s a lot of talk of ED’s in the blogging world, and i appreciate and understand that people have experienced disordered eating, which in itself can be incredibly detrimental to life (as this post shows). the thing that keeps rising to mind though is the lack of differentiation between an ED (anorexia, bulimia, BED etc) and disordered eating.
take myself for example: i am sixteen, and for several years have struggled with eating. i’ve dropped to a bmi of 14.9 before, excessively exercised to the point where i’ve permanently injured my knees, lost pretty much months of my life to starve-purge cycles …etc etc. i am an example of disordered eating.. why? because during my several exam periods, i ate enough to perform and function to achieve to a high standard. because when i was told i was making myself infertile and all that guff, i recovered by myself, through rationalization.
a girl who i know vaguely has anorexia. she did a hell of a lot worse in her exams because, despite the fact she’s more intelligent than me, she was mentally ill and therefore couldn’t rationalize. she never exercised because she didn’t want muscle; it weighed more. i lamented my lack of muscle tone, and although i never achieved it because i was eating enough, i probably would’ve taken it over being lighter. i’m pretty sure her disease will kill her; i’m alive.
to cut a long story short, we are both examples of people with bad relationships with food. i don’t think i was ever mentally ill though, because i maintained a degree of control; i recovered without help.
what i’m trying to put across is, is there not a need for a little bit of restraint in the blogging world; i see comment after comment of ED’s… a little part of me thinks we’re trivializing the mental illness. i’m not talking about severity, because to play the ‘she’s had it worse than you’ card is ridiculous. i just think there’s a (slightly fuzzy) divide between a mental illness and the poor body image, excessive dieting and food preoccupation that consumes so many of us.
i’m not trying to detract from anybody’s issues or suffering by the way- i’m perfectly aware of how serious even disordered eating can get. there’s just a lot of discussion on runningwithspoons (thank you amanda š ) and i thought i’d add this in: should we not be a little careful of what we call disordered eating?
(also, if anyone’s been diagnosed this is not aimed at you)
I’m not sure if I would necessarily agree with the idea that ease of recovery is indicative of the absence of a more serious mental illness, because people who are healthy don’t let things slip that far in the first place.
It’s true that disordered habits exist on a continuum, but disordered eating can quickly become an eating disorder without the sufferer even realizing it. Maybe I haven’t been paying enough attention, but I don’t really recall people tossing the term ED around lightly so I don’t feel like it’s being trivialized.
my point wasn’t the ease of recovery being indicative of a more serious mental illness, it was the presence of a mental illness and the presence of disordered eating differing and the need f0r a little bit of distinction between the two.
trivialise was probably the wrong word; it sounds like i’m playing down yours and others experiences. but the point is is that i have seen the term ED tossed around, and frankly i think it does trivialise the nature of a mental illness if people who still have their minds- and their lives- use the term to describe what is effectively chronic dieting.
this is not necessarily aimed at you, or anybody for that matter. i’m also not detracting the severity of these disordered behaviours, although it may look like i am. i just think the term’s being adopted as comprehensive… when it isn’t.
I was starving yesterday too!! My food consumption does not revolve around a clock and we totally just brought back “breakfast for dinner” in my house!
It’s almost as you described me to me from years past! Recovery is a hard thing and I go through “phases” or “remissions” like when I discovered my fitness pal that tracks everything ….or when I had to sell my jawbone up activity tracker on eBay because I become obsessed with these tools! I seek forever freedom from these mentalities and your post gives me lots of hope!
P.S. I love all your food! Totally my taste!!
What a great post. I met you while you were already in recovery, but I am still really proud of you for having gotten to this point. I believe that nothing should dominate your life, be it food, career, success, another person…I love that you feel like you have the freedom to live and be now. I also love that you are celebrating ED Awareness Week!
I think my worst food habit is chewing so much gum. I know it’s not exactly food, per se, but it’s a habit I’d love to break.
I know every feeling you just described!! This was my life, and though I’m still structured regarding every 2-3 hours, I’ve learn to listen to my body and my cravings, so if I want something I eat when I want it. I hope to consider myself one day fully-recovered! Btw I totally agree with you: this idea of not eating certain things after certain hours SUCKS! No fruit after 2 p.m.? Screw you, if I want a banana I’ll eat it š
Awesome post Amanda! I love to hear (read) about people moving beyond restrictive living. And your food photography keeps getting better and better. I need to buy baking powder so those delightful looking pancakes can happen ASAP!
I could relate to every one of these circumstances you wrote about, especially scheduling the day around my feeding times. I would also get highly irritated if someone called while I was eating or preparing a meal. “The nerve! Who calls at lunch time? Ugh!” It is so freeing not to be tied to the clock.
Lately I have been struggling with eating grain products. For many, many years I eschewed all fats. I was also a vegetarian for over a decade. Carbs were about all I ate. I now include plenty of fats and have given up vegetarianism. I am content with these decisions. However, it seems as though everyone around me is forgoing grains or adopting some form of Paleo. I find myself questioning whether or not I should partake of grains. Thing is I enjoy grains, pretty much all of them. Bread, pasta, rice, barley, quinoa (okay, not actually a grain) you name it, I probably like it. I prefer whole grain products but even those don’t seem “clean” enough as of late. I am relived to see that you regularly incorporate oatmeal, noodles, pancakes, etc. into your meals. I do not want to claw myself out of one restriction only to fall head first into another. Silly as this may sound, I try to reassure myself by remembering bread was mentioned in the Bible. Manna from heaven, right?
By the way, I think a sack of potatoes is the perfect device for beating restrictive food rule makers. So un-Paleo!
You’ll definitely never see me cutting out grains! Bad things happen when I try to reduce them… including a drop in energy/mood and a rise in digestive complaints. I know it can be hard when everyone around you seems to be doing something else, but ask yourself WHY you would want to do what they do? Is your body giving you a reason to cut out grains? Or do you just trust the actions and opinions of others more than you trust yourself? You -know- what’s best for you — don’t let others influence that.
Thanks Amanda. I have no problem digesting grains. I’m part Italian, I was raised on pasta!
Oh that quinoa bowl sounds good, I’m going to have to try that combination. I’m glad your feeling less restrictive with your eating! My current problem is allowing myself too many snacks, like snacks when I’m not hungry but just trying to stay awake late at night to study.
Look at you all -Ra, ra, ra! Look at me and how awesome Iām doing!
Just kidding. It really is a stark contrast of your old habits VERSUS your new ones and the overall mindset- and your happiness, body and BRAIN will no doubt be thanking you for it.
I have a post next week regarding it but I used to be SLAVE to structure- and would never deviate from it which did me no favours. And Mama spoons forgot to send me some leftovers even though I sent my regards to her on Sunday. How do you say Fail in Polish :p
Pft. As if I’m going to teach you to insult me in my native language š Google magic, friend!
So happy for you…. that you can really enjoy eating and food! Your quinoa bowl look wonderful and I’m thinking pancakes for dinner WITH chocolate chips sounds like a very good idea for tonight!
Amanda this was a fabulous post.
As for bad food habits I basically went through everyone you could think of. It started with just simply being obsessed with calorie counting. I went through a stage were I was raw vegan and anything cooked or that wasn’t a fruit/vegetable was labeled a fear food. Then when that didn’t work for me I moved on to the stage were fruit was basically the enemy and anything with even a gram of sugar in it was thrown out the door. Not to mention the only things I would eat during this stage was vegetables and chicken. Not fun. But now? I simply eat what I crave and try to keep it relatively healthy. Food doesn’t have to be the centre of your world and when you are in the mist of an ED it seems pretty hard to believe. Heck I still get those thoughts for example when I finish a big bowl of oatmeal and 20 minutes later I am hungry; But I don’t give into them anymore. I say well I guess I need a little something extra. There still things i have to work through (IE. Kicking my Diet Coke habit in the butt and instead drinking regular on occasion) but for the most part I have let them all go.
I LOVE this post, lady. I swear, lately all my body wants is carbs! I’ve been having MAJOR smoothie and pancake cravings. I feel ya on the veggie slacking–I often rely on green smoothies to get my veggies in. Hey, it happens!
I blame winter š” It’ll all balance out in the end… or at least when summer comes š
Ahh yes. I can relate to all of these, except the planning the perfect meal one. I never got into macros/etc (honestly hadn’t heard about that until it came up on a few blogs I read last year), but all the rest were me to a t, especially eating by a schedule and panicking when things came up that got in the way. I don’t miss those days to say the least. I think the one I still have the hardest time with is being ok with getting hungry again quickly after a meal, especially since I rarely know when that will happen or if it will be possible to remedy ha. I try to keep snacks with me often, but that doesn’t always happen.
AMEN to all of these. I eat a glorious bowl of oatmeal before bed every night and I cannot IMAGINE going to bed hungry now-a-days. I have no idea how I managed to sleep at all, actually. And ugh, I still give my mom grief about ingredients but I’m still a work in progress!
LOVE all of this! I can relate to all of these perks about healing from my past. Life is SO much more enjoyable now that I’m not obsessing over food and everything revolving around it 24/7.
Those pancakes look so delicious! Hmmm, you’ve inspired me to possibly do pancakes for dinner tonight… š
Those pancakes & that chocolate smoothie look dangerously good! I love breakfast for dinner. I don’t do it often enough though. I better get that on my to-do list!
You really are so inspirational to so many other women out there and I love how you are using your past struggles with food and recovery in a positive way to help others. Really love this post!
This is such a beautiful post. I am so happy you are happier with food and you eat what you want, when you want it. There’s nothing better than taking care of your body and giving it what it needs. I’m so happy for you š When I originally lost weight, all I knew was what I heard during the low-carb craze. I remember it being soooooo hard for me to eat carbs because I got scared that I would no longer lose weight. I fell in love with exercise and not eating carbs was no longer possible.. my body needed them! And when I realized that I can still lose weight while consuming them, I literally felt free. It’s the best feeling. Life is way too short to restrict oneself so much. I love food and I’m happy you are loving it too š
Ahhh it’s always nice to come across a fellow carb-lover š Best.foods.ever.
I hate that go to bed hungry rule. Ugh. No! I love my nighttime snack, even if sometimes I don’t ‘need’ it.
Ugh, those pancakes! Definitely eat what you crave. š
I think you sound like you are in a very healthy (and delicious) place with food.
I definitely over-think things in the food department at times mainly because I don’t eat meat. Sometimes I just feel so skinny and I’d like to on my bone so it makes me wonder if that would change if I did eat meat? I don’t know but it’s always on my mind.
Ahh, now I have to have an almond butter stuffed date! Oh well…! š
Can relate to so much of this post. Just so pleased to be on the recovery road now and to be friends rather than enemies with food!
Very valid points on way food freedom kicks A$$
I love my bedtime snack and wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING.
ps – swooning over your bowl of quinoa