Happy What I Ate Wednesday, friends!
Keeping things rolling with NEDA week, I’m going to use today’s WIAW to talk about some of the food-related freedoms that recovery has given me.
Please note… This is not me trying to boast or be all “Ra, ra, ra! Look at me and how awesome I’m doing!” No. This is simply me highlighting some of the positive aspects of recovery for anyone who may be struggling and thinking about giving up (don’t do it!), as well as trying to provide a better understanding of the life/mind of someone with an eating disorder for those fortunate souls who’ve never struggled with one themselves.
And now that we’ve got that out of the way, I give you… some great things about recovery…
[ not being afraid to go back for more food if I’m still hungry ]
Breakfast: whipped banana oats layered with plain Greek yogurt and topped with ground flax, cinnamon, roasted almond butter, and blueberry jam.
There’s nothing worse than finishing a meal and not feeling satisfied. Okay, there are worse things (terminal disease, Chinese water torture, being stuck in an elevator when you have to pee), but not quite filling up the tank enough is definitely up there.
This used to be the story of my life. I’d finish my last bite but still feel like I could use more. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I needed more food when I already felt like I was eating so much, so I wouldn’t let myself grab anything else. It also probably didn’t help that my meals were planned out to a tee, and there was no going over a certain amount of calories before a certain time of the day — hungry or not.
No more of that nonsense. I’m hungriest in the morning, and some days are worse than others. Yesterday was one of those days… which is why 20 minutes after breakfast, this happened…
[ life not revolving around meal times ]
Morning snack: an applesauce oatmeal muffin [with MIA coffee]
My life used to revolve around my eating schedule. I ate every 2-3 hours, which meant that I lived my life in 2-3 hour increments… having to pass on anything that might take longer. I liked to be alone when I ate so that I could enjoy my food to the fullest without distractions. I picked classes in school that didn’t interfere with lunch/snack times, and I passed on outings with friends if they meant having to stay out longer than 2 hours. Spontaneity was non-existent, and heaven forbid something came up that interfered with my schedule — instant panic attack.
[ not spending hours trying to plan ‘perfect’ meals ]
Lunch: leftover sesame chicken stir fry courtesy of Mom.
The amount of time I used to devote to trying to plan the “perfect” day of eats is kind of insane. Balancing macros, distributing calories, entering foods into online calculators, prepping/cooking meals… It’s no wonder I was constantly stressing about not having enough time to do anything– I spent a good 2-3 hours on this stuff every.single.day. These days, I usually have no idea what I’m going to eat until I’m actually sitting at the table, and I’m lucky if I can work up the motivation to do something more complicated than pour cereal in a bowl and top it with milk. Leftovers from Sunday night family dinners are my favourite because they mean real food that I didn’t have to make myself… and it makes me sad to think that those used to be ‘forbidden’ because I didn’t know what kind of ingredients my mom would put in them.
[ not being a slave to the clock and constantly thinking about food ]
Afternoon snack: a bowl of quinoa cooked in coconut milk, topped with plain Greek yogurt, homemade applesauce, and coconut butter.
I used to live to eat. It was pretty much the only thing I looked forward to, which isn’t all that surprising considering my body was starving and food was the only thing it was interested in. Any time I spent with food was euphoric, and any time I spent without it was dragged out torment. I remember finishing a meal/snack only to start thinking about the next one, and hungrily watching the minutes pass by in agonizing slowness, impatiently awaiting the arrival of the hour where I was “allowed” to eat again. Yeah. My days kind of sucked.
[ not being afraid to eat what I crave ]
Dinner: banana oat Greek yogurt pancakes topped with almond butter…
…. and some chocolate chips thrown in for good measure 😉
You guys know I’m a huge fan of breakfast for dinner, but there was a [sad, sad] time in my life where I wouldn’t allow myself to have it. I had a certain picture in my head of what a proper dinner should look like, and I wouldn’t deviate from that picture no matter how badly I wanted a bowl of oatmeal or a stack of pancakes instead of my plate of rice, chicken, and broccoli. I thought I was doing the right thing by eating balanced meals with plenty of veggies, but the only thing I was doing was forcing myself to leave the table less-than-satisfied-and-still-wanting-more. These days, brinner happens at least a few times a week, and I have to say that I feel much healthier as a result 😉
[ not going to bed hungry ]
Evening snack: a thick and creamy chocolate smoothie (sans coffee, plus spinach… because my veggie consumption has been SLACKING lately)
Whoever came up with the idea that we shouldn’t eat past a certain hour needs to be taken to a dark alley and beaten with a sack of potatoes. For real. I definitely fell victim to this diet myth, and I can’t even tell you how many times I forced myself to go to sleep when I was hungry, only to be woken up in the middle of the night by the protests of my empty stomach… that is, if I was even able to fall asleep at all. Worst.feeling.ever. No more — bedtime snacks are my lullaby.
And that’s all, folks! Of course there are plenty more amazing things about recovery, but I just wanted to outline a handful of them that had to do with food, seeing as it is WIAW and all. I should probably end it here, though, seeing as this post has already become epic in length 😯 I’ll see you guys tomorrow for a body image / recovery themed Thinking Out Loud! I’d love it if you shared your own experiences with body image, food, and/or exercise struggles, but you’re more than welcome to share regular random thoughts as well.
Talk to me about bad food habits. Do you have any that you’d like to overcome? Have you had any that you did overcome?
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I’m really glad you have found inner balance with your meals. That is so important. I think that having breakfast for dinner is a huge move. Following your cravings is so important. I completely understand about not eating past a certain time for people losing weight. An old housemate would often eat over 50% of her calories past 10pm and started gaining weight that way. That being said I do not believe that that rule is appropriate for a very large portion of the population.
Sigh (sad face) I am a calorie counter. You would think with how much I workout, run, and eat healthy I wouldn’t/ SHOULDN’T feel the need to track my days away. Even tracking produce 😯 After working so hard to loose 65 lbs I’ve trained myself into these habits. Now that I eat to maintain my weight, I still can’t let those “safe habits” go. I also eat every 2-3 hours, but try to eat more intuitively and wait for my body to tell me what it wants.
Womp, womp 🙁
Girl! No womp, womp — it’s nothing that can’t be fixed! Kicking calorie counting was hard for me too, but if you start small (don’t count the safer foods, don’t count one snack a day…) and do a little more over time, then you’ll eventually kick it for good. Trust your body — it’s a smart one.
I HATE the myth that you should go to bed hungry. Seriously so ridiculous and it still pisses me off when people say they won’t eat past a certain time. If I’m hungry when I go to bed I can’t fall asleep so I always eat. Simple as that!
AH-MEN. I love this. I’m currently working at moving away from disordered eating and I loved everything about this post! It’s so true. I love being able to eat full meals without restricting because “OMGcalories”.
Being able to go back for more food is definitely a HUGE positive. Most days I find myself there, but those days that I have a hard time remind me of how important it is to keep on keepin’ on. It is far better for them to be rare than daily – and soon enough they will be nonexistent. 🙂
You are so right – life is so much better when you can spend your days thinking about things that matter, rather than obsessing over food. And being able to focus on a passion just makes recovery THAT MUCH MORE WORTH IT!
Thank you so much for ALL of your posts. They always remind me of what I am working towards and are such an inspiration. 🙂
Love this post! Your old mindset is something a lot of girls can relate to (myself included)!
This post made me a little emotional, in that I can relate to it all. (Okay, it’s also that time a month, so everything makes me teary). The part about not wanting to plan anything that didn’t fit my “2-3 hour window eating period.” Woof. What a dark place. Funny how you think you are in control, when really you’re a slave to the ED. For me the true test of my recovery is always vacation. I just got back from Miami, which involved lots of mixed drinks and wine, lots of fried food, and little exercise besides dancing in too high heels and walking to and from the beach. Not one ounce of guilt. Even for the day we had mozzerella sticks at every meal. And tons of memories. I even talked to my girlfriends about my ED, which I never had been explicit about. Of course they all knew. Duh. (Oh yeah, and no I didn’t blow up and gain weight, because my body trusts me now.)
I began my recovery when I met my boyfriend almost four years ago, and I told myself that if I wanted love and a healthy relationship, I needed to heal my relationship with myself and with food. Best decision I ever made. What I had given up for my ED was not worth what I had lost. And though it wasn’t easy, recovery was so worth it. I still struggle with body image at times, like any woman, but that gets better every day too. I hope those who are deep in their ED can find peace with themselves, with food, and with their bodies. Great post!
I will gladly help you beat down that person with a sack of potatoes :-p because that ‘rule’ is seriously just painful and unpleasant. being woken up at 3 am due to intense hunger pains? Ya, somehow, eating the bedtime snack seems a lot more pleasant.
One of the ‘bad food habits’ that I overcame that I’m happiest with is the idea that I shouldn’t keep treat food around, out of fear that I would, you know…actually eat it? Right now, I’ve got ice cream, tiramisu, and a ridiculous amount of chocolate floating around my apartment, which a few years ago would have given me tons of anxiety and I would have been dying waiting until the weekend when I could actually eat some (another stupid rule I got past). Knowing that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want puts those sorts of foods in the same category as fruit or cereal or veggies – it’s all just food, rather than being good or bad.
Great post Amanda, I have been great about overcoming the late night snack phobia. But I have less success with flexibility. I stick to what I think I “should” eat, and have a hard time giving into cravings that ultimately are much more satisfying. Thanks for the reminder that these little fears can be overcome and that the end result is a happier life.
It definitely is! The freedom is addictive, and makes all the fears that much easier to face. The hardest part is getting yourself to do it, and once you do, you realize it’s not as bad as you thought.
It is so funny that you just posted this. For lunch at work this week I ate a slice of pizza (a long time fear food of mine), and it tasted so insanely good. Afterward I thought to my self…wow I may actually have some macaroni and cheese later this week (another craving I have ignored for some time). It does seem to get easier and easier once you get past the fear of just doing it!
Brilliant!! Pizza and mac ‘n’ cheese are amazing. In fact, now you’ve got me craving some cheesy goodness myself…
Going to bed not hungry is prob one of the biggest disordered habits any of us face. That’s one of the #1 diet rules right? Don’t eat after 8. Well, you and I both know that that just doesn’t work. One of my favorite snacks is the bedtime snack and I hate that it gets a bad rap. A little oatmeal or a banana or whatever you desire makes the day that much better. (personally I love some oats with chocolate chips:)) Been loving these NEDA posts, btw.
What an amazing post for NEDA week. I think it is so important to not forget about those who still struggle with disordered eating and show how enjoyable life can be as soon as we free ourselves from stupid diet guidelines and food fears. Thanks for sharing, love. Have a beautiful week!
We are so alike, as if we didn’t know it already. Just this morning I went back for another round of post-run breakfast because I was still hungry. And, I was thinking about how some people really struggle to know it is absolutely OK to refill the bowl if you are not satisfied. Some days I eat less than others and sometimes more – the trick is figuring out how to understand and listen to your appetite. I haven’t gotten it all figured out but I do the best that I can. And going to bed hungry? Just not ok and should be illegal.
Long-time reader, first time commenter! *waves*
I felt I had to comment to say a big thank you, because this post is just what I needed to read right now. Every single habit you mentioned is one I can relate to, and it’s really motivating to hear how far you’ve come in your recovery from them! I’ve been working on kicking these habits to the curb for the last couple of months, but it does often feel like taking one step forward and two (or five…) steps back. The toughest ones for me are getting used to ignoring the clock when it comes to meal times and conquering the fear that I’ll make the “wrong” food choice if I don’t plan out all my meals and snack days in advance. Keep up the great work, I’m sure it sounds cheesy, but you really are an inspiration 🙂
Thanks for your comment, Grace 🙂 I can definitely relate to feeling like you’re not making any progress, but you ARE — it just takes patience and perseverance. Recovery is a long road with lots of falls along the way, and progress is often so gradual that you might not even notice it unless you really stop and think. The most important thing is that you stick to it and -know- that recovery is possible.
Yesterday I was trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast…oats with fruit, or pancakes with fruit. I considered the oats since they were “healthier” even though I really wanted pancakes…then I realized DUH I make my pancakes with oats. I would be eating the SAME THING no matter what, just in a different form. Sometimes the mind works in mysterious ways!
Many years ago when I was changing my eating habits from the SAD to learning to be more healthful, I reached a point where I became too focused on ‘doing things right’. Ie. if I was going out to a restaurant that I knew wasn’t “healthy” I’d eat a salad at home beforehand. Or I’d only order a salad, even though I really wanted fries. I was really focused on trying to eat as many veggies as possible. Hahahaha. Oh, me. It was weird how I went from one extreme to the other, then eventually balanced out in between.
Nowadays, I don’t have the time nor the care to focus on food too much. I love eating mostly healthy food, but I also really love chocolate, ice cream, pizza and alcohol. I’ve been slacking on my veggie consumption, big time. That’s why I have a smoothie everyday. Cause I’m lazy.
Gah! I’ve been slacking on the veggies too, and the worst part about it is that my stomach actually feels better without them, which just makes me keep on wanting to avoid them #confused
I love that you are comfortable to share this information with others. I love that you fought for yourself, for your health, for your body, and have overcome. I love these things you discovered during your struggle and how overcoming that demon has brought a new life.
I love that quinoa bowl! It sounds freaking awesome.
Annnnd I love you. That is all. Happy Wednesday!
I’ve overcome my fear of full fat and the “waiting until it’s time to eat” rule for lunch and dinner and my life is so much better but I still struggle with the eat whenever you’re hungry especially in the afternoons. I’m getting there and i’ve accepted that progress is a slow. And I still do think about food too much!
One definitely disordered thing (or at least disordered for me) was my incessant need to meal plan and food prep. It got to a point where Sundays I would be cooking for 8 hours (because you know my meals are somewhat elaborate) and I would totally wipe myself out. Then I would get sick of half of what I ate by wednesday. It might not be the most budget friendly or efficient way to go about it, but not meal planning is what works best for me. I enjoy winging it and as it turns out I am not more likely to resort to poor meal choices (except Monday where I was dying and could only handle popcorn and cashews for dinner) but am most likely to go to the grocery store and get real food. Who woulda thought?
This just inspired tomorrow’s post…
I use to restric like crazy. I’m talking all I could eat was 800-900 calories, and if I exceeded that limit, well I must have gained weight, because my body was different than everyone else’s. Like you said, it doesn’t always make sense. When I look back on that, I can’t imagine how I was able to run, let alone train competitively. No wonder I had shrank down to a measely 85lb, 5’1 person, and no wonder I was so tired all the time. Now I eat all the damn time, and I eat whatever the hell I want. I know my body won’t gain weight, well unless I eat a shit ton like Michael Phelps and don’t use it (workout), which btw, is very hard to ate as much as that man. I’m sure if I was working out all day I would have no problem though ;). But yeah, I’m just a lot happier now with where I’m at. I’m not afraid of food.
I remember thinking that my body was different than everyone else’s as well, and that I didn’t need as much food, etc. etc. Such garbage. And I don’t even want to know how much Michael Phelps spends on food every month 😯
What a great post! I love your freedoms – so important for everyone to learn. Listening to our bodies and trusting them is difficult but powerful.
One of my biggest issues was the whole planning my meal to make sure it had the proper “balance” and by that balance I meant the lowest amount of calories possible but still enough to keep my from passing out on the soccer field. I didn’t care at all about nutrition back then. I mean I knew that veggies and fruits were lower in calories than other snacks so that’s what I would stick to, but I never cared about the protein/fat/carb combo. Fat was bad, protein made you bulky and too many carbs turned to sugar. That was my thinking, which didn’t really leave a lot of room to plan any sort of healthy meals
Arrrgh I want to scream! I’m not sure why..but it has something to do with you laying out my life in front of me. I have overcome food issues in many areas..but I am definitely holding onto a few that’s preventing me from living. Eating alone and savoring my time with my ‘precious’ food. Can’t let go of that. My family even knows not to disturb me while eating..for fear of being eaten themselves I’m sure. Eep!
And the eating before bedtime? I’m not scared of it at.all. But I am still struggling with knowing if I’m hungry or not before bed. Which means going to bed, keenly looking forward to a long sleep..having to wake up because sleep is not happening due to something that feels like emptiness in the tummy region. Which means having to scrub my pearly whites yet again. Which means going to be later and not getting enough sleep. Hurrah, story of my life!
Oh and I love that idea! Let’s hunt down the human responsible for that theory and I’ll hold ‘im while you lay on that potato sack 😀
These are all wonderful tips Amanda. Though I did not have a disorder, there was a period of time (1 year) when my life revolved around food. I can especially relate to not giving into cravings. I just wouldn’t let myself do it because ice cream’s not healthy and I’ve already met my calorie intake for the day. …..wrong! Cravings are a signal (learning about this in class a little bit) and there’s a reason why we get them and ignoring them is bad!
Great post Amanda! You’ve come so far and I’m so happy for you!
All of your meals look wonderful. I love your afternoon snack. For whatever reason, I always associate eating quinoa in a savory way, but I like the idea of cooking it up with some coconut milk and adding in a touch of sweetness. It sounds delicious!
Oh and your pancakes just so happen to be on the menu for dinner tonight! 😉 Brinner rules!
Oh God….I want to eat my screen. Seriously, everything looks so good! And I love that and how you overcame all these struggles, love. You only deserve the best and thank you for inspiring all of us each day!!
I definitely feel you on many of the habits you listed and some are still going strong in my life. WOrk in progress…..
I love this post!! I can relate to some of the topics that I already conquered (like eating more if I’m still hungry and having evening snacks. Nothing worse than forcing myself to go to sleep feeling far from satisfied, and then waking up at 3a.m. and eating half of the kitchen and then feeling guilty. Never more!
But still, no matter how much I eat at 0 a.m., I’m always super hungry at 7! hahaha I LOVE BREAKFAST and I love eating big breakfasts!
But I still kind of plan my activities around meal times… but I’m always hungry every 2-3 hours, even though I’m eating a lot more. No complaining, cause I’m nourishing my body with delicious food! Never gonna starve again! 🙂
Your food pictures are so beautiful!
You know, I love pancakes but I almost never have time to make it in the morning (always running late) but I would never make them for dinner… I guess it’s time to be free and just do it!!
Yes, yes, YES! Breakfast for dinner is one of the best things there is. It was something I really struggled with as well, but I can promise you that you’ll fall in love when you finally allow yourself to enjoy it 🙂
Hear hear! The going-back-for-more is something I definitely used to struggle with – now, knowing myself (and being kinder to myself!) I make sure I get my fill 😉
Hahahahah this line “Whoever came up with the idea that we shouldn’t eat past a certain hour needs to be taken to a dark alley and beaten with a sack of potatoes” is just too funny! The only time I don’t grab a quick before bed snack is if I have brushed my teeth – I am just so lazy to do it again!
Yay you had pancakes, which I am loving – those chocolate chips peeking through sure are a must! 😉 I haven’t had oats with AB and jam in so so so long – thanks for reminding me! Mom’s leftovers are the best-I put mine in my mom’s freezer before I left Sunday night and remembered when I was half way home 🙁
Bad food habits I have had plenty – in the middle of my ED, I would hide and then throw away so much food I served onto my plate to give my family and friends the illusion that I was eating! So much waste – it blows my mind now when I think back on my then 14 yr old self’s antics! GAH! Now I am the opposite – even manage to cook the broccoli stalks and lick the hummus containers clean!
Love this recovery post, sweat lady!
This is a great post and it’s wonderful to hear how far you’ve come! Your pancakes are also to die for. I get most hungry in the mornings, so I tend to snack a ton, but once dinner’s over I try and close up the kitchen so I don’t snack. I don’t know who came up with the “don’t eat after a certain time” rules, but they are silly. I don’t eat before bed cause I have a weird idea that the process of digesting will disturb my sleep. I don’t know if that’s a real thing or not, though.
I actually find it helps me sleep better, as long as I don’t eat something that doesn’t agree with my stomach. Let’s just say I’m never eating split pea soup before bed again 😉
Amanda, keep up the good work with your recovery. I’ve been trying to think of a way to cook quinoa to make it a breakfast thing. I always cook it in veggie broth for my dinner meals. Milk is an excellent idea. I use almond milk and I guess that would work. Thanks for the tip. Have a great day!
I mean these are all amazing points and ones I could talk about for ages. I really could. the freedom of being able to keep everything in the house without worry, enjoying the taste of real food and not fake food, nights with friends thinking about anything but food, drinks or calories. that is the freedom i love.
I hate how we have so many rules around something that should be so natural-eating! But my own recovery I have learned just how powerful this should-be simple concept can take over your life. It’s a daily battle to fight the inner thoughts of what I should or shouldn’t be eating, but it is worth it- I am worth it! And I think that is the biggest thing I have learned to overcome- those nagging thoughts. I am stronger than they are! And so is my need for chocolate chip cookies 🙂 Such a great post, Amanda!
I couldn’t agree more about being less paranoid about all the above reasons, in terms of eating well and mind-FULLY. I always subconsciously think about when the “right time” is to eat, even though I start my day earlier than most people. I also think about how far in advance before bed I should eat dinner, so I’m not too full or too hungry – that one ALWAYS throws me!
Thanks for opening up about breaking down your fears with food! I definitely was inspired by this read 🙂 Happy Wednesday!
Great post and great eats! It’s funny, in my opinion, how we’re “taught” all of these rules about eating and food, and then have to unlearn them in order to be the healthiest version of ourselves! I feel like I’m trying to do that now, and it’s really hard to go against what society says is correct (only eating a certain amount of calories, low carb, not eating after 7pm….). Why do we do this to ourselves?
I’ve overcome a lot of bad food habits but now I eat whenever I’m hungry. Sometimes I’ll eat three snacks between lunch and dinner. But I love feeling like I’m free to do that. Thanks for sharing your story!
Ditto! The freedom that comes with not constantly worrying about obsessing about food is kind of addicting — way more powerful than the anxieties.
You have such an inspiring and positive attitude! It’s so great to see that positive change really can happen! I am happy for you that you’ve come to that place in your life.
And all your food looks beyond amazing! As always! Those pancakes….. 😀
I can relate to this so much, it’s a little scary. I would go to bed hungry, planning out my meals for the next day. I would get upset when people seemed to interfere with my eating schedule and my meal plans, and I wouldn’t eat some of the delicious pasta and rice dishes my mom would so generously prepare. Going back for more was a no-no, which resulted in clock-watching all darn day.
Those days are in the past, and I’m more than glad that they are. I mean, how could you resist those pancakes for dinner?? 😉
I wish I could just jump through my computer screen and eat all of your meals – especially those fluffy pancakes. They just look incredible! I find I used to find myself getting hungry more in the morning, now a days its throughout the night – which is strange bc I always have a nighttime snack. I think it’s because I have it in my head that when I wake up for a bathroom break around 11-12, It just makes sense to have a spoonful of nut butter. LOL
..and like I’ve said before – proud of you for how far you’ve come over the years. You’re AWEESSOME!!
I am still trying desperately to eat 100% intuitively. It is very hard for me because I kind of enjoy planning balanced meals, but I know that it is just an echo of my fomer self. 🙁
Those muffins look great, I wish there were gluten free 🙂 Looks awesome though.
It’s a hard habit to break for sure, especially if you’ve been doing it for a while. It helps if you look at the bigger picture though, and remember that you don’t have to micromanage every day because things have a way of naturally balancing out over time.
Love this! So happy that you found freedom from ED’s rules and live by your own now : ) Me too.