I came across some old journals while I was de-clutering my condo the other day.
Journals that I kept during my early recovery. Journals that documented every meal and my thoughts/feelings surrounding them. Journals that made me feel like I was reading someone else’s words…
Who was this girl who had a complete breakdown because she didn’t cook her quinoa properly and had to sub it out with rice instead? Who believed that going 10 calories above her daily limit was going to make her gain weight overnight? Who judged how well her day went based on how balanced and perfect she thought her meals were?
Who was this girl who refused to have cereal for breakfast because she believed that it wasn’t “clean” enough and that it wouldn’t keep her full for more than 10 minutes…
Plain Greek yogurt – banana – blueberries – Kashi Cinnamon Harvest – Puffins – almond butter.
Who wouldn’t allow herself to snack on a mango because it had too much sugar…
Who would never have canned soup as part of her lunch because it had way too much salt…
Amy’s Tomato Bisque.
Who would never dream of having two eggs in one meal unless the yolks weren’t involved. And is that buttered bread I see? God forbid…
Two over easy eggs and a smear of butter on pumpernickel bread.
Who was this girl who wasn’t able to go out and order anything at Starbucks (besides black coffee) because she couldn’t be sure that the baristas would get the measurements (read: calories) exactly right…
Perfectly foamy cappuccino.
Who would never be able to come home and snack on a homemade cookie because she never baked. Ever. Guessing how many calories were in homemade goods? Too much anxiety. And all the “healthy” substitutions she used never made for a good treat anyway…
Who was this girl who would never eat a delicious dinner prepared by her loving mother because she didn’t know a) how many calories were in the meal, and b) how much oil was involved…
Sweet and sour chicken stir fry.
Who would never allow herself to grab a handful of chocolate after dinner because it wasn’t in the plan…
Who was this girl who would skimp on her nightly snack and go to bed hungry more often than not, only to be woken up multiple times during the night by a grumbling stomach…
Weetabix with yogurt and banana.
I honestly can’t remember. I mean, logically I know I had an eating disorder – that’s not exactly something you forget – but it feels like a past life. The fear. The obsession. The despair… It just doesn’t seem real anymore. I used to have a hard time separating myself from my eating disorder and couldn’t imagine a life without it, but now I have a hard time relating to the thoughts that consumed me while I suffered from it. I no longer think of myself in terms of “recovered” or “recovering,” I just feel like me – normal. And I guess that’s a good thing 🙂
Happy What I Ate Wednesday, friends!
. – . – . – .
What’s one food fear or anxiety that you got over and have trouble relating to now? Everyone has one… whether it was not eating past a certain time or sticking to low-fat/low-sugar foods. Share your successes!
Which do you prefer: rice or quinoa? To be honest, rice…
Favorite way to eat eggs? See lunch 😀
Another awesome post Amanda! 🙂 I was just thinking about the same thing yesterday, because I had 3 bananas in one day- that never would’ve happened a year ago. Food rules are crazy! Happy WIAW girl!
I had the same hangup with bananas! I had a hard time eating half of one, and now I’m usually eating 2 or 3 a day. Love them <3
It’s amazing how far you’ve come, Amanda! ahhhhhh all those WHO IS THIS questions made me feel like I was living in that ED, and I know it wasn’t very pretty. And your egg meal looks soo good for some reason, and it’s proooobably because I miss runny yolks so much. 🙂
Awwr! Not too much longer now, Ellie!
Best WIAW I’ve ever read! 😉
It’s so great that those journals seem more like a past life than a current struggle! While I have come so far since my eating disorder days, I know that all too often I can still relate to some of my past fears and anxieties. However, I luckily have overcome some of those fears, particularly eating all low fat–I’d eat maybe a teaspoon max of almond butter on a good day, and now I have a fat source with most meals–and the strict timing of my meals. I used to be so regimented with that, and I couldn’t eat after a certain time even if I was starving.
Honestly, I’ve gotta go with quinoa as my favorite. I think I burned out on rice after having it as a staple during my ED, and I really only like wild rice now. But quinoa is probably my favorite grain and I wish more restaurants would have it as a sub for rice!
“Just you” is a perfect way to think of yourself, in my opinion. 🙂
I am so glad to have gotten over the “eating a filling dinner past 9pm” fear. I used to be so anxious about eating right before bed, but now I know it really doesn’t matter when you eat, and I can’t believe it used to cause me so much anxiety just a year ago!
What a long way you’ve come! Thats amazing..
I don’t know how many diet rules I really got caught up in, I was a major aspartame addict through teenage yrs.. I am weaned off it now! Every now and then I don’t mind a Diet Coke (I can’t stand regular.. ) but I can’t believe how much I used to consume. I think in general I used to read rules and plans and “tips and tricks” in women’s magazines and they’d bounce around in my head and confuse me.. I never got obsessive, but when you read that stuff it’s hard to ever know what/how to eat!
And I don’t like quinoa! Like at all.. I triiiied to (Superfood and all..), but it’s so not for me. I like basmati rice the best and also saffron rice 🙂
There was a time when I would not add oil to ANYTHING and I would freak out if my mom was cooking and she put “too much oil” ugh. I eat so much fat now it’s great. And I would never touch an avocado haha I used to pick it out of my sushi–seems so ridiculous now!
Did you have that “omigosh everything tastes so much better when I use oil!!” realization too? I have a hard time believing that I used to think using water and cooking spray to “fry” my veggies/pancakes/etc. actually made them taste good.
I can totally relate to this. I’ve kept journals since I was about ten, and I usually thoroughly enjoy going back and reading them (I was a weird kid, ha). But the ones from when I was sick and when I first started recovering are pretty scary.
One anxiety/weird habit I used to have that I now find ridiculous is refusing to eat the crust on my bread, or making a sandwich with 1 and a half pieces of bread instead of two to cut down on the calories. (Yeah, I had a super weird way of doing it. 3/4 of bread on each side…) Now I can’t even believe I did that, or even thought of it.
Is it bad that I’ve never had quinoa? Or at least I haven’t in years, so I can’t really remember if I like it or not. And I don’t really like rice, so… 🙁
Scrambled eggs cooked in butter, for sure. With a side of bacon. Can’t go wrong there.
Of all the blogs I read about people with past ED you are by far my favorite! You are honest and keep things real, and have had such tremendous success with your life!! I am so proud of you and every time you write a post like this I beam from ear to ear! Thank goodness this person that wrote those journals seems like such a stranger now! I loveee both rice and quinoa, can I choose both!?! I really can’t pick.
Things that used to freak me out were meals out to eat. If I know I am going out to eat (which usually means a bigger portion than normal) I will make sure not to over do it with the rest of my meals. I still get anxious when it comes to alcohol though..the liquid calories freak me out. I can’t say that’s a bad thing though ahah, my liver will thank me.
I am so proud of you, girl! You’ve come so far!
I can’t choose between quinoa and rice – but I often find myself leaning towards quinoa because it’s quicker to make (read: lazy). That said, I have this INCREDULOUS (that’s incredible and fabulous combined) coral red rice that I bought that has the best flavour – and cooks really quickly – so that’s a major winner in my books. Last night I made a really simple dinner of cooked red rice with mashed avocado, garlic salt, pepper and parmesan cheese – heated until the cheese melted and it was warm – and it was amazing.
Had to add
1) I eat so so so much fruit lately…like I’m talking a LOt of fruit..I still eat “some” veggies…but fruit is easier on the tummy (?)….I’m tired of worrying over the sugar 🙁
2) I wish I could eat so well and concise as you…it’s awesome how you eat…my bedtime snack alone is the size of 2-3 meals 🙁 I dunno , i dunno
3) i bought that Amy’s Lentil soup..hope it is good! and chocolate? Ha…Try a 100 gram bar every 3 days…I wish I were joking…!!
That’s awesome that you have made so much progress! I struggle with a lot of guilt surrounding what I eat.
Wow, it’s startling how many of these points resonate with me. Like you, I feel as though many of the fears that dictated my eating habits during my ED were part of another life. However reading this, brings those memories flooding back. I never touched breakfast cereal, unless it was puffed rice or corn because I could get the most volume for my calories (*shiver*); sodium-packed foods were 100% out of the question because they’d bloat me–or so I thought; fruit could only be consumed in the morning (had to burn off that sugar!); I ordered black coffee at Starbucks 95% of the time, and when I did venture outside my comfort zone, I’d double the calories listed in the nutrition information pamphlet just in case the barista had made my drink with whole milk (*gasp!*)…Your journey is a testament to the fact that women who are struggling with disordered eating CAN recover—rules and habits die hard, but they CAN be left behind. You are an inspiration to so many women, and I’m so so grateful for that! <3
My favorite way to eat eggs is…well, all ways? I can't chose an absolute favorite! However, I really enjoy omelets, especially when they're filled with cheese. 🙂
Happy Wednesday! <3
alot of times i hate thinking back on what used to eat and the crazy things id put myself through. it makes mevery sad and scared its like “why the hell was i torturing myself? for what reason?” so that i could drive my family away and live an awful existence? sooo crazy and wahts even more crazy is that it all made sense! ahhhhh…… upwards and onwards you know? thats my attitude….i heard this quote…”you cant move move on to the next chapter of your life if you’re still re-reading the current one”
i love you amanda and you continue to inspire and encourage me everyday!
<3 I've never really been able to figure out why I was torturing myself either. All I know is that one day I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time, and that's when I really starting putting more effort into recovering.
I used to feel guilty about spending any time on myself! I really felt I just wasn’t important and so many other things needed more attention! I really have had to do a bit of self loving- as most of my family really does have to much going on to take much notice of me sometimes. But I am so happy you are living- and eating to LIVE a better life. I love white rice- you can’t make a proper risotto without it! Xo Sophia
I can SO relate to this! I also used to be terrified of eating a full egg (not just the whites). Also, I had this weird rule where I wasn’t “allowed” to eat the same type of food more than once in a day- even if it was a healthy food. For example, if I had almond butter in my breakfast, I wouldn’t allow myself to eat it again during that same day. Now I can see that this was so dumb! Nowadays if this happens and I’m feeling almond butter later on in the day, you can bet I will be eating it 😉
You know I 100% relate to this, love. When I think about my attitude and my fears surrounding food when I had my eating disorder and comparing that to where I am now…it’s miles away. Its hard for me to even fathom that my attitude towards food was too terrible. That I would eat a banana and sugar free yogurt and call it lunch. I have troubling picturing myself in that role, even though I know it happened. It’s like watching a movie of your life, but someone else is playing your part.
And carbs were my huge food fear…and now I love them again. I was ok with fruit, but grains I felt like I had to keep minimal…and right now, I’m making up a giant batch of butternut squash mac and cheese – evidently, that fear is gone!
… I am SO coming over for dinner!! 😯
I can relate to so much of that, though on a lesser degree, and I still struggle with some of it. I’m so glad you’ve gotten past that stage of your life. 🙂
First off, your food literally makes me drool. How did you make that stir fry? I have a craving to make one for dinner tonight mmm.
Now that I’m in a better state of mind I no longer fear egg yolks (I eat like 3 a day now..suck it ED), I eat lots of yummy fats, I eat if I get hungry just a little while after eating, I embrace new foods, and I eat meals and baked goods I don’t know the calories or exact ingredients of. I am still improving, but I am determined to win the daily battles!
Sorry girl, but I don’t have a recipe for the stir fry. My mom made it and she just kind of cooks it from scratch 😕
I went through the same thing
It’s heart wrenching to read your old words but it always is inspiring and shows you how far you’ve come
xo
Jocelyn
Wow. this is seriously incredible, seeing that you’ve come so far and now don’t even recognize the person you used to be! I am definintely not quite there yet, but there are some things I totally relate to. In college I was sooooo uptight – like I was afraid of going out to eat, going out with friends, because of the “unknowns” in the food….and now I regret that, knowing how much time I could have spent with my friends. . I fully intend to make up for that!
The best part is that it’s never too late to start 😀
LOVE this. I’ve been there. I have journals too and looking back through them is heartbreaking.
I honestly don’t remember most of the time when I was obsessive over my eating habits- I think I’ve blocked it out? It truly does feel like a past life and I can’t imagine ever going back there.
I’m so proud of you for consistently opening up about your past and serving as such an inspiration for girls that are still in that scary place. You’re one strong lady, Amanda. Never forget that!
Your post are amazing….I love them. You are so inspiring to me. I can change for the better. Thank you.
Wow! Love this! Thank you so much for sharing, Amanda. It’s so great to see how far you have come (based on what you have told us). I got over avoiding fat and avoiding sugar. I try not to eat TOO much sugar, but I’d prefer my ingredients list to list “sugar” instead of one of those chemical alternatives.
I like my eggs not in my belly…unless they’re baked into something. And that only happens if I’m eating something that someone else has baked for me…I don’t really use eggs for baking, either!
I’d take sugar over artificial sweeteners any day – those just skeeve me out big time 😯
Oh, also, I didn’t mean to imply you were finished gaining either…etc…I think physically and mentally you need to pursue the gain every day…u are teeny and could use a lot more weight on ya 🙂 For sure!
Oh, and I bought the little tubs of liberte banana yogurt (5% milk fat..banana flavored, NOT organic)) and ate 500 grams in one sitting..then ate another 500 grams as “part” of a midnight snack….Ive got problems, but I’ve clearly established that already.
I lost control and my mind long ago.
(and the reason I mention that too is cause I never use to allow myself to eat the flavored (flavvored) yogurts….well, they are SO GOOD and i don’t care anymore)
1) How do you get your eggs so perfect? I eat 2+ whole eggs per day…but I’m concerned my overreliance has made me ‘sensitive”…I have no willpower to eliminate (same quandry with dairy).
2) I often wish I journalled/journal more regarding these things…I feel I might have “grown” more and learned and gotten smarter over the years if I wrote it all down…as well as grow into a good writer and convey my thoughts better. BUT every time I went to journal or go to journal now, I find myself dwelling, dwelling, or writng miserable thigns that I immediately have to go and read something fiction or lie down or watch some silly TV show cause I just don’t want to write or think those kinds of thoughts…a lot of things I have written/scratched in past are simply little one liners or dark, dark, poems. Not good. Hard to figure out how to write without dwelling, how to dwell without writing. Does that make sense?
3) I have no fear of fats, but still fear some grains…I can eat rice cakes galore, but other things are “tricky” for me…and I fear gluten…though I did pick up Ezekiel bread and it rocks!
4) Like I have been “binging ” every night and eating things I “should” versus wants…always the “shoulds” cause if I go with wants I might unintentionally eat less or I know I’ll eat unclean. And at over 30 years old and hormones out of whack, I feel I don’t “deserve” it…especially since I do no activity. I walk , but shiz Amanda, they are slow level on the sidewalk walks> Slow and reading a book while I walk slow and I’m always so brain fogged and I don’t know if its low weight …I think its more (hormonal since ammenorheic for years and also my straight up reliance on certain foods, my lack of sleep, my worry, the mind trickery, and the sitting, sitting, sitting I do)…
5) like again yesterday/last night I binged bigtime…as in a 750 gram tub of yogurt and nearly 1/2 jar of sunbutter and a bunch of crackers, etc etc…and of course when I can’t “go” in bathroom and I’m literally just one big head-fog and lethargic, I’m just “out of it”…I feel like today I need to stay away from grains/dairy/nuts…but of course I can’t do it…I just can’t make myself have that “good day” cause its too hard to fight 🙁
So then I think “I’m literally full of yogurt, nuts, bread” etc and feel rotten and …everything
6) Then its like I’ve been still kinda hungry lately for things and not sure if I need to up protein OR fats…like I find I can’t find the balance…I think too much protein will make me sluggish/tired/more constipated BUT at same time its needed to grow my body….and I eat a lot of fats anyway (cause I’ve NO fear of fats) but if i overdo-overdo-overdo the fats then my tummy can gurgle a bit too u know ?
7) I’ve read “health food junkies” before and think its a great book. And someone recently told me to read “Dying to be me” about this lady who developed cancer and was so hung up over “perfect eating and perfect everything” and eventually she realized that was actually likely killing her…when she let it go, the better it all became…
8) one person who has a successful “real food” blog (i.e. based off of Weston Price and the whole “real ” food movement where everything is grass fed, etc etc….which to me is insane cause we all don’t have that “good” stuff and most of us have to eat the grocery store stuff and be real-real)…but anyway, she said this: (QUOTE)
“Know that the binging serves a purpose – usually it will run its course until your body doens’t need it anymore (this certainly was the case for me). Gwenyth Olwyn’s articles should help you with this. Also, Matt Stone’s ideas are certainly worthwhile considering. Aside from those two people, I would encourage you to stay well, well, well away from all other ‘health’ books, blogs, etc – I can’t imagine they’re doing you much good at the moment and potentially are doing harm.
Don’t get too caught up in food quality or what you are eating, just eat the food – no matter what it is. This is what I work on with many of my disordered eating and bulimia girls (it’s never about “nutrition”). (END QUOTE)….
so that was neat…even a health/nutrition enthusiast said to “Just eat the damn food”…and all the latest things re being normal and etc…eat ice cream , eat the peanut butter, eat the gluten bread…get over it…just eat the damn food….
So stubborn and ..hard (?) though…that’s an excuse…I can choose how hard it is. Still a battle.
Particularly since I see people like yourself who I tremendously admire who gained it right…no binges, eating what they wanted, discipline, eating more in morning, not filthifying their bodies, exercising within reason (I don’t exercise, my walks are turtle and otherwise I’m on my flat butt all day and night), or people who journal their way through it etc etc etc….I’ve gone “too far”…now I’m nearly 32 and I’ve done too much hormonal and digestive and binging damage…I’m lost without a guide. I’m just…
9) I think you said recently you were going to a health expo or something..and I was reading another blog (I think “Yogi In Action) who lives in Alberta also and wrote that she went to a health expo last weekend and she was disappointed cause it focused on weight loss, blah blah blah and she didn’t care for that kinda stuff 🙂 I liked that she showed a picture of her in her car eating a DQ blizzard too 🙂
10) Also, I follow this blog and thought of you when I read this recent post…thought you’d like: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2013/05/has-hbos-game-of-thrones-surpassed-books.html
Since you are a Games of Thrones gal…
11) Sorry for the long comment, …seriously. I was just reading and got a snack and suddenly felt like journalling ….but also didn’t want to be “alone”
The guilt and the wonder and the regret loom upon me. For every night I consume hundreds of cals in one sitting late at night after no daily deprivation…and for sitting sitting in brain fog every day, not able to even physically unburden my body…I feel so lazy and like it worsens. I feel so …lost.
C’est tout. J’excuse.
You always have such creative posts! Love this one. It’s crazy how much we grow up in our 20s. I have difficulty relating to my past self too. I used to be a super picky eater but now that I live on my own and cook, there’s no food I won’t try. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this. I can definitely relate. For so long, food was a source of guilt for me. If I stepped out of line or went over my calorie allotment, I would be filled with guilt and self-hatred. It’s really hard to move away from that, but it’s good to hear that it’s not the only way of life!
So happy for you!
I can totally relate to this! I find stuff from back when I had an ED and I think, who is this girl? Part of me almost feels embarrassed for thinking the way I did, but the other part of me is so happy that I’ve moved on from that and am at such a better place in my life.
My fear that I got over would have to be fat. “Fat” doesn’t make you fat! I can now eat avocados, olive oil, coconut oil, even bacon.
My favorite way to eat eggs is on a piece of jelly toast! Sweet and Salty.
I love rice. I could eat it every day. I like quinoa…when I took it like my rice 🙂
I hate seeing people get so hung up over fat, especially because I’ve experienced so many positive benefits after upping my fat intake! All that low-fat nonsense is just another diet gimmick 😕
This is so honest and a great story of how far you’ve come! One thing that I can’t believe I used to do is cutting out 400-600 calories from my already small allotment if I knew I wasn’t going to be able to work out for 2 hours on a certain day. RIDICULOUS. I’m so glad I’m no longer like that. And for me, it is quinoa all of the way 😉
You have a lot to be proud of – you’ve come a long way! When I look back on my restritive eating habits of the past, I try not to be too hard on myself. Even though that was a tough time in my life, it brought me to where I am. And where I am is a pretty good place!
If I would have read this post only a minth ago,I would have been in tears – on the one hand because I am so happy you’re truly ALIVE and enjoying it,on the other hand because I’d be thinking this would never be possible for me to achieve anymore.
But in that one month,a lot has changed,and it made me realize just how fast it can actually happen. And,most of all,THAT it can happen.
So today,I am not in tears; I am not sad – I am happy. Happy for you,and because I am hopeful and can’t wait for life. 🙂
Aww Kat, that makes ME so happy to hear 😀 It most definitely can happen, it just takes time. But never give up hoping or taking a moment to stop and think about how far you’ve come already.
So happy for you, Amanda….that you are you and “normal”. Amy’s tomato bisque soup is my very favorite canned soup. I prefer rice, but I like quinoa a lot too and I like my egg pretty much anyway I cook it. Love making it sweet with an added mashed banana or pumpkin and cinnamon!
I keep forgetting about sweet eggs! I seriously need to make them that way more often because they’re delicious.
When I was first diagnosed with Celiac Disease I would obsess about what I was eating. I would go to bed hungry because I couldn’t find enough appetizing foods that were gluten-free. It was a struggle then, but now I don’t even think about it. I’m happy I got out of that pattern quickly.
I actually prefer quinoa over rice. I can never get rice to be the right texture! I like eggs with the yolk broke and fried!
This just proves how far you have come. I think it’s nice keeping journals so you can check your progress and be reminded of where you were before. I think it’s all important for out personal development.
I found my old weight watchers journals recently. I thought I was being smart, because weight watchers never told me I couldn’t have anything…it only had to be obsessively measured out and documented. I remember days of measuring out 4 point milkshakes and being so upset if my dad poured more than my 4 points worth into my cup. Now, I’ll just have the milkshake, the entire thing! and I never actually gained back the weight I was afraid of gaining. Being balanced overall seems to work just fine, and I get to have milkshakes! BTW – amy’s tomato bisque is to die for!!
I used to be SO scared of bread and un”clean” carbs…I would only stick to oats and sweet potatoes. I was terrified of non-whole wheat bread, rice, etc. I’m gluten-free now, but I’m not scared of grains and starches. I happily eat gluten-free bread, granola, cereal (hello PANDA PUFFS!)
I’m not a HUGE fan of either rice or quinoa, to be honest…I’ll take some sweet potato fries or bread over both any day. But I guess I’d go with rice
My favorite ways to eat eggs are poached, fried (PBR style “perfect eggs”) and in omelettes. I don’t like them scrambled. Never have, don’t think I ever will