I came across some old journals while I was de-clutering my condo the other day.
Journals that I kept during my early recovery. Journals that documented every meal and my thoughts/feelings surrounding them. Journals that made me feel like I was reading someone else’s words…
Who was this girl who had a complete breakdown because she didn’t cook her quinoa properly and had to sub it out with rice instead? Who believed that going 10 calories above her daily limit was going to make her gain weight overnight? Who judged how well her day went based on how balanced and perfect she thought her meals were?
Who was this girl who refused to have cereal for breakfast because she believed that it wasn’t “clean” enough and that it wouldn’t keep her full for more than 10 minutes…
Plain Greek yogurt – banana – blueberries – Kashi Cinnamon Harvest – Puffins – almond butter.
Who wouldn’t allow herself to snack on a mango because it had too much sugar…
Who would never have canned soup as part of her lunch because it had way too much salt…
Amy’s Tomato Bisque.
Who would never dream of having two eggs in one meal unless the yolks weren’t involved. And is that buttered bread I see? God forbid…
Two over easy eggs and a smear of butter on pumpernickel bread.
Who was this girl who wasn’t able to go out and order anything at Starbucks (besides black coffee) because she couldn’t be sure that the baristas would get the measurements (read: calories) exactly right…
Perfectly foamy cappuccino.
Who would never be able to come home and snack on a homemade cookie because she never baked. Ever. Guessing how many calories were in homemade goods? Too much anxiety. And all the “healthy” substitutions she used never made for a good treat anyway…
Who was this girl who would never eat a delicious dinner prepared by her loving mother because she didn’t know a) how many calories were in the meal, and b) how much oil was involved…
Sweet and sour chicken stir fry.
Who would never allow herself to grab a handful of chocolate after dinner because it wasn’t in the plan…
Who was this girl who would skimp on her nightly snack and go to bed hungry more often than not, only to be woken up multiple times during the night by a grumbling stomach…
Weetabix with yogurt and banana.
I honestly can’t remember. I mean, logically I know I had an eating disorder – that’s not exactly something you forget – but it feels like a past life. The fear. The obsession. The despair… It just doesn’t seem real anymore. I used to have a hard time separating myself from my eating disorder and couldn’t imagine a life without it, but now I have a hard time relating to the thoughts that consumed me while I suffered from it. I no longer think of myself in terms of “recovered” or “recovering,” I just feel like me – normal. And I guess that’s a good thing 🙂
Happy What I Ate Wednesday, friends!
. – . – . – .
What’s one food fear or anxiety that you got over and have trouble relating to now? Everyone has one… whether it was not eating past a certain time or sticking to low-fat/low-sugar foods. Share your successes!
Which do you prefer: rice or quinoa? To be honest, rice…
Favorite way to eat eggs? See lunch 😀
Reading old journals is so interesting…let alone with an eating disorder past. I can’t even imagine how it must feel but I’m really proud of you and the amount you have come.
Isn’t life so much less stressful now?!? Amazing how far we grow when you let the things “we should do” go. I’m proud of you! I used to have qualms about eating at certain times when it “wasn’t time”…now I just eat when I’m hungry… what a novel idea!
You’d GUESS that was a good thing? LOL.
Child, please. That is EVERY dang thang.
Gotta a long way to go, myself but I already have instances of “who the fuh? what was I thinking?”
I was formerly “reader of calories on mustard and refusing to eat any vegetable but lettuce” girl.
Can’t wait to see what Miss. Future Self is gonna laugh at regarding my current state of affairs.
PS- I still remember a post you did a long time ago about coconut butter/oil… you framed it in a way where it sounded like a love affair that you had a lot of fear getting into… I have never forgotten that. It was awesome. Remember that one?
I do remember that one! And I can’t believe that you do too <3 Hard to imagine being afraid of one of my most beloved butters...
I don’t love quinoa. I don’t hate it, it is simply just “there”. I do not find anything overly appealing or inspiring about it other than its nutritional value that I don’t often cook it. Lately I do love rice more than I used to. I love the Trader Joe’s brown rice medley (comes frozen, so super easy). Every week I say I will cook up the quinoa, but never do. Oh well.
Can completely relate to this; is so weird to think of the strange food rituals etc I used to have. I always used to let myself go to bed hungry as I was sure that if I ate after 7pm I would immediately get fat – now I can’t go to bed without my nightly bed time snack!
I would never eat out if I couldn’t find the calorie menu online either..missing out on so many tasty meals!
Sorry for playing the broken record once again but: you.are.an.inspiration! It’s plain amazing to read how entrenched you were in your ED and how far you’ve come since. Seriously, whenever I feel like full recovery and a normal life won’t be in the cards for me anymore you remind me it is. Sure, right now some of the things you’re mentioning are still true for me. Mum-prepared lunched? Very anxiety-inducing. But then again there are strides I’ve made.
Who was that girl stressing out about a single gram “too much” of unsweetened cocoa in her oats? The girl living of sugary, tasteless semolina pudding that hardly contained any semolina? One of the saddest habits I’ve heard of from another girl in recovery was avoiding tea (!) because it had a mere calorie or so per bag.
It’s important to think of the progress you’ve already made when you start to doubt yourself. Recovery is a long and slow process, and we often don’t even realize that we’re getting anywhere until we really stop and think about it. You’re making strides, girl… don’t give up on it 🙂
I’m new to this blog but just wanted to give you a big hug. That’s all.
so proud of how far you have come along and being such a great inspiration to everyone. every once in a while I get dissatisfied with my body or meals but never had counted calories very obsessively. Whenever negative feelings consume me – i spend more time at the gym and reduce refined carbs (which is my weakness). Fried food is still off limits but I eat fries and stuff every once in a while Quinoa or Rice – hard decision because if I am eating Nepali/Indian/Chinese food I love white rice over curries but on other days – i prefer curry.
I love quinoa flakes because they kind of taste like cream of wheat to me. But rice vs. quinoa? No question about it, I’d always choose (white) rice. Maybe my taste buds will change one day, but there is nothing better in my opinion than a big bowl of white jasmine rice! 🙂
I kind of feel the same way about “a past life” as you do, except for me it’s more to do with- I can’t believe I used to have toast for breakfast everyday, or yogurt for a snack… Food allergies suck and I honestly forget what things taste like now even though it’s only been a year. 🙁
So I’m doing a mini happy dance from you admitting that you like white rice. It gets such a bad rap in the HLB world, but I can’t deny that white [basmati] rice is one of my absolute favorite grains.
Love this post!!
It’s more of food guilt for me … I eat whatever and then when I think of it after, that’s when I start to worry, although I’m trying to just accept this feeling and move on 🙂
And I LOVE my eggs poached. Swoon. My fave <3
I have to say I still have a hard time coming to terms with the stupid behaviors and thoughts that used to consume me. It is strange to think that it was me. i have notebooks and I mean notebooks at home from my time in both day and inpatient treatment. it is scary to read them because you see almost two voices speaking, fighting so hard to find which one was actually mine.
Look how far you’ve come! That’s why journals (and blogs) are nice because you can go back in and see your overall progress. Good for you!
Great post!! got my personal trainer certification about 5 months ago and seriously learned I wasn’t consuming enough good fat- life is all about balance and not depriving your body!! I love baked good and I love cleaning up recipes!! There are GOOD foods out there you just need to take some time to get educated and read labels! Great great post!
It really is amazing looking back at how we lived with an ED. Whenever I think back to those days, I’m amazed at how distorted my thinking was. I never want to be back in that period of time when cookies were scary and fruit had too many calories. I like food now and I want to stay that way.
I can very much relate to this as well. I thought of it the other day while eating a “dinner” consisting of pumpkin pie, cake and ice-cream. Oh and wine 😉 And the odd thing was in the moment it so wasn’t a big deal. A few months ago I would have put this under a “recovery milestone”, right now it’s just me enjoying life 🙂
Eggs- ah I love them in almost every way shape or form . Favorite was would have to be scrambled of perfectly soft boiled (I’m picky that way)
I can definitely relate to things like that being no big deal anymore. A few years ago, something like eating a cookie or having an unmeasured amount of cereal would be HUGE, gold star worthy events, but now it’s just an every day kind of thing. It’s nice 🙂
This breaks my little heart to read. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’ve moved so far that past life. So much of what you said resonates with me that it makes me appreciate how far I’ve come. Lots of love!
LOVE dippy eggs. Or sunny side up. Or yummy, runny yokey goodness. lol
When I got my first surgery, I cut fat completely out of my diet. Looking back at it now, I have no idea what the HELL I was thinking at the time. No idea. I can’t even wrap my head around it right now.
I definitely like quinoa for salads but rice for dinners. It depends on how it’s prepared… I would never have a side of quinoa with salmon or something, but I would definitely choose a quinoa salad over rice salad lol.
You have come a long way girlie!! You should be so proud :). Thanks for being a great inspiration to others, too!
I’m so happy for you girly, it’s amazing how far you’ve come. It must be a sense of relief seeing your old mindset and seeing how much you’ve changed. I never had a bad ED, but I did restrict calories at once point (ex boyfriend told me I was fat so I blame him for my craziness lol).. one thing that kinda stressed me out was oil– weird cause my Mom cooks with it and I still ate her stuff lol but that was always on my mind. Crazy how things can affect you lol
On a side note: I’m jealous you can eat mangoes haha I used to love them until they gave me hives :/ enjoy them for me! haha
And with rice and quinoa, I think I go either way. I love rice, but I make quinoa more– I think cause it cooks faster and I like throwing it in my salads for lunch lol however, I tend to get lazy with making both haha!
I was exactly like you a year ago. Sometimes those little habits try to sneak their way back in, but gosh I don’t miss living like that. Just think of all the good foods we missed out on! Mmmm chocolate chips 🙂
Remembering the bad times definitely helps with the commitment to keep them good. Nothing is worth going back to a chocolate-free life 😉
That’s great that you were able to overcome your anxiety with food. I definitely have similar thoughts running through my head from time to time but I try not o le them control me. And I love my eggs scrambled with cheese! I used to love sopping up the yolk with toast but that changed later in life.
Love how you presented it! Sounds like FREEDOM and just being yourself! 🙂 I like that!
I love mangoes! It’s my favorite fruit. I wouldn’t trade that for anything else.
What an interesting way to look back on your life, thoughts and feelings from back then. I wasn’t one for journaling or diaries- I never kept them up, but looking back now I wish I had captured myself in time back then, the good AND the bad, ahhh to be able to go and tell yourself then what you know now….
Ah, I can relate to those notebooks. I wonder if I even still have mine now, I kind of want to see, just because.
I’m so happy for you, that you are in a better, more positive position in terms of your health. It’s amazing what we did to our bodies and how they fought back even after all we put them through.
You’ve come so far and that’s why you’re such an inspiration!
I like to glance through them every now and then to help keep me on the straight and narrow. If I ever feel like I’m starting to struggle with something, I remember how bad life was back then and that makes resorting to old habits completely unappealing.
Great & enlightening, thought provoking post as usual, girl! 🙂 So proud of you for getting over everything & putting that all behind you.
One thing I’ve gotten over was the fear of fat – oh no! I couldn’t buy anything that wasn’t fat free, heaven forbid. LOL I no longer fear the fat – I embrace it! Fat is wonderful… it’s needed for your body/hormones/brain function, it tastes great, & makes you feel full. So many people think eating fat will MAKE you fat. So. not. true.
Great post darling. It’s so beautiful to see how far you’ve come, and how confident and strong of a woman you are! Continue shining, because you deserve nothing but the best in life! <3
That’s a good thing indeed! Good for you!
Great post, girl. I’m so glad you have moved into a healthier place! I definitely relate to all of it…. :-/
I still have a hard time with too much ‘dry carbs’ and I actually feel better when I don’t eat too much of it (like cereal, crackers, bread, etc) but I also love my cereal. And pop tarts. Hehe.
And I typically prefer rice too…although quinoa is really good.
Seeing all your PopTart shots made me super jealous yesterday 😛 Especially because my stomach is the happiest camper when I eat a lot of dry carbs. Cereal and toast? Yes, please, thank you, ALL OF IT!
Happy Wednesday, love!
I just found all of my journals from those days too when I was packing up to move…I haven’t reread them yet (joe was there when I found them so it didn’t seem like an approriate time to me anyway), but I’m going to over the next few days. My hospital bracelet from WPIC fell out of one of them, which was a nice show of reality and reminder of how far I’ve come,..I’ll be interested to see what else I discover in my old words
This is such a beautiful post girlie! (And you’re beautiful, too! :D) I’m so happy that you’re in the place that you are now. I’m on the last stages of recovery, and I’m looking forward to the day when I can say all of this! Congrats on coming so far!
One food fear/anxiety that I got over and have trouble relating to now is carbs. I used to avoid all flavored yogurt, mangoes (how can someone live without mangoes?!), bananas, pineapples, etc. because there was too much sugar. I would never eat a Larabar or a Clif Bar, and the only bread/grain I would eat was a lower-calorie, lower-carb bread. Now, I can’t imagine my life without my flavored Chobani or mangoes/bananas/pinapples or Larabars or sandwiches or oatmeal.
This is a REALLY great post! Rather than focus on the negative past, you’ve shown just how much you’ve grown since then. Good for you, girl!
Eggs on buttery bread….mmmm…nice post!
I’m so glad you are in a better relationship with food now and you are happy! One anxiety I always used to have was eating at night. Every magazine or diet says don’t eat at night, you’ll get fat. I have been eating a mini meal after dinner for the past year and am stronger than ever. Plus my weight is the same. So it is just crazy to think how much I used to obsess over whether or not to eat something, if the snack was too big, or had too many carbs in it. Like you I used to go to bed hungry all the time. So glad that part of my life is over!
Eating after a certain hour was a pretty big one for me as well. Damn those stupid diet rules and their ability to mess with our minds. I can honestly say that I’ve pretty much broken every diet rule in the book with nothing but positive consequences. Here’s to being a rebel 😉
I swear I could have written this myself. Despite suffering from anorexia since the age of 8, as I come up to my 18th birthday, I barely recognize the girl I used to be. The one that would forbid herself to ever have more than 1 piece of chocolate, or over 30g of cereal, the girl that purposely was rude to everyone, and lost all of her friends. The scars still remain (I now have no friends!), but I feel healed.
And I don’t mind saying that I HATE quinoa, and after forcing myself to eat it because it was ‘good’ I’m fine with doing without it!
My fear in my first bout of ED was timing. This is a total oxymoron – I used to time my meals by the SECOND on my tamagotchi. It’s sad that something so linked to childhood became a tool of destruction. Then in my second relapse I was scared of anything ‘unhealthy’ and had more ortherexia tendencies. AND in my third relapse it was bread, bread, bread. My fourth relapse? NEVER going to happen! Sorry for the long comment! x
Look how far you’ve come! 🙂 Yo mama can cook for me anytime! 🙂
To answer your question, I like my eggs scrambled or in an omelet, which is kind of like scrambled then re-organized into a shape.
Ah what an inspiring post!! It’s so great you can look back at all that stuff like it was a former life, and not with mixed anxiety that you might fall back in. They say that’s how you know you’ve really truly overcome it 🙂 sr year of high school was the worst of my phases- I would keep track of all my calories and freak out when I went above my limit- and go downstairs to get on the treadmill even at 10pm- and on the days I managed to stay below my calorie allowance, it would give me the biggest high. oh and i only allowed myself 5 mini marshmallows once a week as my “treat” and i would get mad at myself that i always wanted a 6th. ugh i wish i could go back in time and shake my younger self sometimes.
nighttime snacks are something I absolutely refuse to skimp on. just won’t happen. that stir fry looks so good – makes me excited to be back home for my mom’s cooking! I’m glad you’re able to look back on the journals and learn something from them 🙂
Hey there! I just found your blog last night, and found your writing to be so honest and refreshing. And I had a very similar experience during the 2nd half of my freshman year of college that led to a year and a half of an intense recovery process. I’m 25 and in grad school now, and some days I’m still sad for my former self.
I must admit, it does feel like a past life sometimes. Things I would never have done 4 years ago, I do almost daily now. I’m in such a better place mentally (not perfect, mind you) and I’m much happier and healthier. It takes a lot of strength to get where we are! I would say that eating food cooked by someone else, whether it was my mom or a restaurant is something I’ve definitely gotten past, and I can’t believe I didn’t allow myself to enjoy it before.
That’s so great to hear, Jenny! Thanks for sharing your successes 😀
Yay! Sounds like you found freedom and started living!!!!
LOVE this post and you Amanda…amazing and so relateable! I was actually thinking about the past today when I was out for lunch with a friend! The owner sent us a complimentary slice of chocolate gooey brownie and no way I would have eaten it in the past- how would I account for a few bites and aside from that, chocolate mid-day just like that?? No chance! Besides that, eating earlier than planned, egg yolks, full-fat anything and not being able to know exact quantities used to cause me serious anxiety…thank goodness those days are long gone, for the both of us :)!
Favorite way to eat eggs–> does cake count ;)? I kid I kid: I love me a runny yolk on buttered (or avocado-ified) toast! Anddddd that’s dinner confirmed!
Cake most definitely counts… especially when it’s chocolate, and/or used to celebrate the beautiful days of freedom 😉