No fancy intros today, friends — we’re cutting straight to the chase.
I’ve put on a few extra pounds this past winter. I’m not sure how many, since I don’t weigh myself, but my clothes are definitely feeling a little bit more snug and parts of me wiggle that never used to wiggle before. Some of it is probably muscle (thank you, snowboarding), but some of it probably isn’t. And with summer and bikini season in full swing, you might be wondering what I’m planning on doing about this conundrum that I suddenly find myself in.
My answer? Not much. I’m not going on any strict diets; not taking up any elaborate fitness routines; not doing any crazy cleanses. Not doing much aside from maybe going shopping and investing in a few pairs of bigger jeans so that I no longer have to perform complicated dancing/shimmying/cursing rituals whenever I want to put on the ones that I currently own #yogapantsforlife.
Is that crazy? I feel like it might be. We live in a society that’s obsessed with achieving the “perfect body.” It’s been a while since I’ve glanced at the fitness magazines while standing in line at the grocery store, but I’m willing to bet that most of them are [still] trying to sell us the secrets on how we can achieve a bikini body or lose 5 pounds in 5 days. It’s basically insanity not to want to change your body in some way, shape, or form… Or is it?
If Mr. Einstein can be trusted, insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and by that definition, my current choice is actually one of the few sane decisions I’ve made in life (kidding… sort of).
See, I’ve been there… I’ve done that. I had the bikini body, the 6-pack abs, the super lean figure. And to be perfectly honest… it didn’t make me happy. I thought it would, which is why I pursued it so doggedly at different stages of my life, but I never found the happiness and satisfaction I was looking for. If anything, I only became more and more miserable. I never loved (or even really liked) my body. At best, I simply didn’t hate it. Or, most of it, anyways — I always seemed to find something to criticize and obsess over.
And that right there is why I won’t be actively trying to get get the oh-so-coveted bikini body this summer — I just can’t justify devoting so much time and effort to something that never actually made me happy to begin with… especially when there’s nothing really wrong with the body I currently have. I mean, sure… I have days where I b*tch and moan about my jeans fitting differently than they did the day before, or the fact that I have extra dimples on the wrong set of cheeks… but those days pass, and for the most part I feel pretty darn good — the best I’ve felt in years, actually. That’s not to say that I felt bad before, but this is a whole new level of good.
Recovering from an eating disorder is a funny thing… You constantly think you’re 100% better because you honestly feel tonnes better than you did before… never really realizing that “better than before” doesn’t necessarily mean “as good as you should.” Oftentimes it’s been so long since you felt “as good as you should,” that you honestly don’t remember what that’s supposed to feel like, making you think that any shift closer to that direction is finally it… especially when everything looks perfect on paper. Does that make sense? Allow me to explain.
I was at a healthy BMI; my body functioned the way it was supposed to (ladies, you know what I’m talking about); my blood tests always came back perfect; I got high-fives from my doctor after every check up; I didn’t obsess over or restrict food… but I guess there was still room for improvement. I guess my body wanted a little more oomph… which I guess makes sense considering I was hovering around a similar weight to what I was before I got sick, and I’m no longer a wee little lass in my early 20’s (sorry… I recently watched Brave). Time has passed. My body has changed.
I don’t know… I’m still trying to work out the logistics of it (not really). All I know is that I feel pretty darn great (with, let’s be honest, the occasional crappy day thrown in the mix too), and if that means carrying around a few extra vanity pounds and more dimples on the wrong set of cheeks, then I can deal with that… Weight and pant size are too flimsy a thing to tie your happiness up into. It’s taken me years to finally internalize that, but there it is… extra pounds or not. I’m not the same weight that I was at this time last year, and I probably won’t be the same weight at this time next year — does that mean I should be any more or less happy? I don’t think so. There are other things going on in life that require my attention.
I eat the way I eat because it makes me feel good and I exercise the way I exercise for the same reason. I don’t get too caught up in the details because I honestly don’t have to; and that’s not to say that my way is right or wrong — it’s simply what works for me. So there you have it… Why I won’t be working for a bikini body this summer in approximately 1000 words and no pictures. Thank ya for listening to my rambles 🙂
No questions today — I’d just love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences.
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Thank you thank you thank you for posting this today of all days!
I have a confession to make, this morning I tried to put on my jeans…they didn’t fit over my thighs. I nearly had a complete freak out and was on the verge of breaking down in tears. Then I gave myself a mental slap and tensed my legs to prod them, they were (mostly) pure muscle (my weight goes on my stomach whereas my legs tend to stay the same). Sooo I was freaking out about gaining muscle?! Then I remembered all the awesome stuff my body’s been doing recently in CrossFit and how it’s been getting stronger and faster and I guess it all started to make sense…
I do have a bit more “junk in my trunk” (or jelly in my belly?!) since moving to Argentina because I’ve moved away from my typical restrictive self and had a bloody awesome time doing it – I can’t eat all my “feel good” foods here because they don’t exist! Mentally it’s been a great break although I am looking forward to being reunited with almond butter in 13 DAYS!!
I did rather love those jeans though…
PS apologies for the essay
It -does- feel so great to feel stronger and faster, doesn’t it? I still remember when even walking up the stairs was almost more than I could handle without having to take a break in the middle. God do I not miss those days…
<3 Amanda you are awesome and have left me speechless. I agree so much with what you have said!
just loving on this <3
Once again you seriously inspire me more than I can express! I’ve inevitably put on a fair few pounds during my recovery effort and I’m going for a beach vacation next week so naturally I’ve been feeling a bit nervous, but let’s face it – I’m truly happy that I’m finally more healthy, I don’t look ill anymore and I can enjoy the time away without panicking about food and exercise. And all that means a hell of a lot more than having perfect abs 🙂 this post has really helped me feel good about what I’ve been doing and like I’m not the only one who’s trying to accept my body in a world full of people desperate to change theirs. Thanks as ever Amanda, you kick ass!
Don’t be nervous, Victoria! I’m headed on vacation in a couple of weeks too, and there’s no way I’m going to avoid putting on a bikini and miss out on having a great time. I mean, life needs to be -lived-, right? Not tiptoed around.
Exactly!! 😀 have a great vacation!
Magazines are trying to sell you the “image” and the “body” (that according to them) you should work towards, instead of focusing on empowering women, and showing them to love their body as it is, while pursuing health. The goal should be to be healthy and happy 🙂 To enjoy life and feel proud of the body we have, not to feel embarrased to show it in bikini. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and as long as you love your body, who cares about what other people think? Great perspective 😉
Hi Amanda!
I have been “quietly” reading your blog for a few months now, and can’t thank you enough for your openness, honesty, inspiration, motivation, and so much more. I love your blog, and am always looking forward to your next post.
As someone who has been dealing with ED & disordered eating (mostly Anorexia & restricting, but I have also briefly “ventured” into the other extreme) on & off since my teenager years (and I am in my mid 30s), this post was just so wonderful to read, and I am truly happy for you that you are in the place you are in. You are giving me hope & inspiration that I am able to get there, too! I am currently working through a relapse of restrictive behavior, and this post is just what I needed to read – giving me a nudge & motivation to keep working hard on accepting & loving myself the way I am – like we all should (and so much easier said than done). Thank you so much! You are just wonderful!
Thank you, Katja 🙂 Believe me when I say that I know how hard the struggle is and how hopeless it may seem, but it -is- completely possible to be happy and healthy again — you just need to realize that that’s the kind of life you deserve.
Wonderful post, Amanda! I totally agree with everything you said here! I’m going to use this post as a “Link Love” on Sunday! Just…totally excellent outlook!
~Amy 🙂
and you look pretty darn SMOKING HOT! WOMAN, you are lovely! And i mean that. I think CURVES make us feel better. We are made to have softness in areas. I think God had that planned all along. <3 Love this and love you. Like i always say, God is using you to encourage others
Girl, you are amazing. You are a beautiful soul inside and out. <3
It’s been nearly 2 years since I began my official recovery from anorexia–I realized I had a problem right around this time two summers ago when I plunged harder into my behaviors out of fear of bikini season. This post makes me so happy and I thank you so so much for it. It reminds me why it’s ridiculous to believe that a “perfect” body will make me happy. I once had that tiny body during bikini season and it was just like you said: I wasn’t any happier. Society’s standards and pressure frustrate me to no end, and I’m still digging myself out of some things. But people like you are what remind me that it shouldn’t matter and happiness can be at any size.
Keep being awesome!
I. love. this.
You inspire me SO much; I could go on and on about how many times I’ve read your blog and wanted to turn my life around for the better. Your outlook on life is so different from the “norm” that I see every day, in a good way! Ugh. I need an Amanda in my life 24/7! 😉
Awwr thanks so much Janessa. Totally gushing 🙂
Perfect and I couldn’t agree more. I can’t look at fitness magazines anymore, they drive me crazy. Its better to enjoy life and focus on what will make you happy, and not let becoming something society is telling you to become drive your happiness.
“Recovering from an eating disorder is a funny thing… You constantly think you’re 100% better because you honestly feel tonnes better than you did before… never really realizing that “better than before” doesn’t necessarily mean “as good as you should.” …………………………… Does that make sense? ”
YESYESYESYESYES.
I say all the time it’s like peeling the layers of an onion.
I love this post, and I just wanted to let you know that you’re outlook on eating and exercising has REALLY helped me recover from my own eating disorder. I completely agree with your outlook related to weight and self esteem. This is coming from someone who has been there with the whole exercising and super healthy lifestyle and as a result has lived a life of stress and anxiety. I am SO MUCH happier now than I have ever been, and I just wanted to say thank you for being an inspiration and helping me on my journey to being happy with myself, my body and my life.
I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well! And thank you for the sweet comment — totally made my afternoon 🙂
hell.freaking.yes.
Great post! I read a line in one of my yoga books yesterday that really landed with me – “Take care of your body and then forget about it.” It’s easy and often encouraged to obsess about our bodies. If we are taking care of ourselves, there is no need to place so much focus on one subject.
I really like that! Thanks for sharing, Kate 🙂
It’s been a while since I last commented, but I read your blog every single day and I just want to say one thing: you’re amazing. Thank you for inspiring. You are one of my role models since I began to recover. thank you so much, And that’s me saying 3 things, actually 😉
I truly love this post. Thank you for your honesty and inspiration!
You are so cool. That is all.
Just kidding. That was excellently written and I love your message/attitude. Those magazines PISS ME OFF. I don’t need to lose 10 pounds in 2 days, actually, thanks though.
#strongnotskinny !
xo
http://www.youtube.com/sparklesandsuch26
Well said, Amanda! At the end of the day, all that matters is that you are healthy and happy in your own skin. If that means allowing a little fluff and some jiggle then so be it. But, like with anything, I also believe there is a balance. I think finding that happy place where you’re still maintaining good health but not stressing out about your physical appearance is key.
so so true- I mean, what is a “bikini body” anyways? Who defined it? I think it is whatever you are willing to rock! We recently got back from a cruise (and coming from Alaska- we do NOT ever wear swimsuits!) and I was just so amazed at the sizes and shapes of all the women in itsy bitsy teensy weensy bikinis. It is about attitude- I truly believe. If you have a happy, healthy attitude about you, your shape & your ability to wear X- it shows & “you go girl”! Spending time obsessing about wearing X just takes the joy of it right out. I SO enjoy your refreshing insights to every day struggles I know we all share 🙂
“I think it is whatever you are willing to rock!” <-- I absolutely love that you brought that up, and I couldn't agree more. I think that confidence is FAR more attractive than any physical attribute. And I always notice the same thing whenever I'm in any sort of beach/pool setting -- people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and the "bikini body" is actually a pretty rare thing.
This post was definitely worth waiting for. Bodies are such strange things…just look at my family. Because of complications from celiac disease, I am extremely underweight and actually using a calorie counter to make sure I eat enough to gain. My mom, on the other hand, is careful about what she eats to avoid gaining weight. It seems like 70% of the population wants to lose weight, 20% wants to gain it, and maybe – maybe – 10% is satisfied where they’re at.
I hope to one day love my body. It isn’t an easy feat, that I know, but I think we all deserve to love the vessel that allows us to enjoy life every day. Congrats on your new mindset, your new “better,” and your choice to focus on life rather than a scale!
Thanks for writing – amazing as always 🙂
Hell yeah, homey!
Our bodies absolutely change as we enter our late 20’s. In the past couple years I’ve developed hips and an ass. And I can’t get away with eating sugar & alcohol the way I used to, and I’m okay with that! I would say, in my experience, most days I’m happy with my body. There are physical aspects I think I “could” or maybe “should” improve, but then I think back to a few years ago when I was really lean and it’s because I was sick, stressed and really unhappy. I’ve never been happier! 🙂
Amanda I absolutely love this post! Lately I’ve been getting annoyed with the whole “get your perfect summer bikini body now” thing. Its not going to happen in 6 weeks or from doing this one certain ab workout. It’s humbling to see someone admit that they’ve put a bit of weight on and that you’re okay with it. You’re happy and feel good in your body. Thank you for the reminder that my body will not ever be as perfect as I want and that I need to come to peace with the body God blessed me with.
As I read each sentence I kept thinking “How on earth did she know exactly what I’ve been trying to articulate to myself”! I wish more than anything that mainstream media/doctors/everything would have your same attitude that happiness is way better than “perfection” (whatever that’s supposed to be) – thank you so much for writing this <3
There’s still hope! Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve definitely noticed a shift in the right direction lately… especially around the blog world! I think more people are realizing that exercising too much and eating too little literally suck the joy out of life.
Sure you may be one of VERY few humans out there thinking on these lines – hence the “crazy” label, but darn it, this the best kind of crazy I’ve ever come across.
I resonate so well to feeling “better than before” only because I don’t know what “my best” feels like. And ohmygoose yes: being a perfect combination of bone, muscle, and skin with a mind full of misery and emptiness where emotions should be. Uhm yeah, no thanks.
It seems like so many of us are swallowed in the quest (I really want a Quest BAR too!) for transforming ourselves -outwardly- in order to derive our happiness.. in a bid to disguise and camouflage the sadness within. If that makes any sense. Or not.
yup. yup. yup. I’m not 18 anymore and I don’t want to look that way either. I feel better with a little meat on my bones. I also don’t feel like I’m not anywhere close to that ideal body image we all create in our heads (that really doesn’t exist) so eating ice cream and drinking and just being more relaxed doesn’t feel like I’m taking away from my goal to get there. Does that make sense? I’m happy, feel fulfilled and have amazing friends and family and THAT is wayyyyyy better than a bikini bod.
Absolutely love this post and bless your heart for sharing this inspiring and much appreciated post. You are truly doing the right thing. So happy you have found peace. I am suffering from an ED and reading this post made my day. You are beautiful.
As a person who has been there too all I can say is WOW. I always believe I am so much better than I was when I was sick, and it’s true, I am better but recently I’ve been feeling the same way. Is this the best that I can feel? Probably. Do I still have issues with body image and foods? Definitely. But I also know I definitely have it in me to get even better. As you live your life I think you see that there are so many more important things than pounds calories and serving size
Thank you for the honesty it’s refreshing and helpful
I’m proud of you Amanda doing you. I think this winter was especially hard for everyone via exercise, motivation and just being so cold. There isn’t a need to lose weight. I bet you have a great bathing suit body.
I totally agree with this! I love it. As a fellow ED_recoverer I know what it is like to think you’re in a healthy place vs. being in a truly healthy and sane mindset. It’s a long journey (possibly never ending?) but all that matters is we keep doing our best and looking for health as our top priority!
I love this post! I relate to it so much and what you said is exactly what I have been doing for last six months or so! I think this is amazing 🙂 thank you for not making me feel alone for just deciding to accept rather than to keep on changing (when their really is nothing to change).
Kara
Maskaraandcrayons.blogspot.com
I almost spit out my coffee at the part about dimples and wrong cheeks. OHH my gosh what a great way to put it!! HAHA. This post is fantastic, as you already know. I am so happy with your mindset and frankly a lot of us could take a page out of this book of life. The last few weeks I’ve been in a “different” place..I haven’t been doing as much intense cardio (running/spinning) as I usually do, and have toned it down to 1-2 times a week. As you know I’m doing a lot more hiking and yoga instead and I have to say, I LOVE IT. I have moment where I worry about losing my stamina, and that maybe I’m just being lazy, but I have completely honored the change up and enjoyed calmer workouts. My body has been cooperating too, and what do you know I haven’t gained 100lbs by limiting my cardio! Total tangent…but sorta on topic with this post.
Also, I’ve never had abs..and never really wanted them. I don’t care much for swimming so I don’t see many bikini days in my future. I am still rocking the same bikinis from like…6 years ago. Whoops.
I was hoping someone would catch that one 😉 Also… you need to stop making me jealous with all the gorgeous hiking photos you’re always posting.
This is honestly the best post I have read about “bikini bodies” or recovery/body image/weight lately and that is not something I say lightly. You are such a breath of fresh air- thank you! (I especially needed to read this right now, struggling to articulate exactly WHY I am not doing a single thing about the few extra pounds I am carrying right now…!)
Amanda, seriously love this post and your attitude! I’ve been through eating disorder recovery as well and know that it’s a never ending process. Most days I feel completely normal and if asked would tell you I am 100% recovered because I feel so much better than before (physically and mentally). But my boyfriend will sometimes gently point out, “I noticed you recently doing ______” or sometimes I’ll notice myself thinking or doing something weird and consciously have to make a better choice. I really think trying to reach “as good as you should” is a lifetime project, but as long as we continue being “better than before” we’re moving in the right direction! Hugs!
To reiterate what we talked about over email, I totally agree. The thought of dieting, cutting back on the foods that I enjoy, and working out extra hard to lose a few pounds is an absolutely dreadful thought. It literally takes the joy right out of me and I couldn’t imagine slipping back to something like that. I don’t know about everyone else, but I have a life to focus on, not some measley pounds!!! (Which, by the way, actually make me look better I might add!)
So glad you’re of the same mindset 🙂
I love this post, especially the quote by Einstein! Your attitude is very positive and inspiring. I shutter at all the media promoting bikini bodies and diets. There are so many greater things to strive for in life.
Great post! I used to stress out like crazy about “bikini season” – restrict like crazy and exercise like a mad woman. Now? I don’t think I even thought twice about the fact that I’ll be wearing swimsuits for the next several months (yes, several months here in AZ – ha!). It’s SO refreshing. And you’re absolutely right – that “bikini body” (whatever that is) in NO way trumps happiness. I’ve experienced it myself. I’d much rather eat what I want, when I want, and have a little extra fluff thank you very much. I’m so glad to hear you’re at peace and content with yourself and your body these days. Keep up the great work!
Super post Amanda…love it and couldn’t agree more! I spent so long trying to achieve the ideal figure in order to be happy but I finally realised that there is little correlation between the size I am and my overall happiness. Does that mean I’m stuffing face with whatever I want now? Heck no BUT being “lean” is no longer my top priority…and definitely does not come before anything and everything. As long as I am comfortable in my own skin, I am perfectly happy without the “ideal” bikini body..whatever that even means!!
I just posted something of a similar nature yesterday. Health is about bringing your body, head, and heart into alignment, and that means finding a balance and a give and take between all of them. Ultimately, when you are at the right place in life, you don’t care what your body LOOKS like, it is about how your body WORKS, feels, and moves. I call it a “self love selfie”
Here’s the link if you are interested http://suzlyfe.com/2014/06/take-a-self-love-selfie-treatyourselftuesday/
<3 Loved it.