No fancy intros today, friends — we’re cutting straight to the chase.
I’ve put on a few extra pounds this past winter. I’m not sure how many, since I don’t weigh myself, but my clothes are definitely feeling a little bit more snug and parts of me wiggle that never used to wiggle before. Some of it is probably muscle (thank you, snowboarding), but some of it probably isn’t. And with summer and bikini season in full swing, you might be wondering what I’m planning on doing about this conundrum that I suddenly find myself in.
My answer? Not much. I’m not going on any strict diets; not taking up any elaborate fitness routines; not doing any crazy cleanses. Not doing much aside from maybe going shopping and investing in a few pairs of bigger jeans so that I no longer have to perform complicated dancing/shimmying/cursing rituals whenever I want to put on the ones that I currently own #yogapantsforlife.
Is that crazy? I feel like it might be. We live in a society that’s obsessed with achieving the “perfect body.” It’s been a while since I’ve glanced at the fitness magazines while standing in line at the grocery store, but I’m willing to bet that most of them are [still] trying to sell us the secrets on how we can achieve a bikini body or lose 5 pounds in 5 days. It’s basically insanity not to want to change your body in some way, shape, or form… Or is it?
If Mr. Einstein can be trusted, insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” and by that definition, my current choice is actually one of the few sane decisions I’ve made in life (kidding… sort of).
See, I’ve been there… I’ve done that. I had the bikini body, the 6-pack abs, the super lean figure. And to be perfectly honest… it didn’t make me happy. I thought it would, which is why I pursued it so doggedly at different stages of my life, but I never found the happiness and satisfaction I was looking for. If anything, I only became more and more miserable. I never loved (or even really liked) my body. At best, I simply didn’t hate it. Or, most of it, anyways — I always seemed to find something to criticize and obsess over.
And that right there is why I won’t be actively trying to get get the oh-so-coveted bikini body this summer — I just can’t justify devoting so much time and effort to something that never actually made me happy to begin with… especially when there’s nothing really wrong with the body I currently have. I mean, sure… I have days where I b*tch and moan about my jeans fitting differently than they did the day before, or the fact that I have extra dimples on the wrong set of cheeks… but those days pass, and for the most part I feel pretty darn good — the best I’ve felt in years, actually. That’s not to say that I felt bad before, but this is a whole new level of good.
Recovering from an eating disorder is a funny thing… You constantly think you’re 100% better because you honestly feel tonnes better than you did before… never really realizing that “better than before” doesn’t necessarily mean “as good as you should.” Oftentimes it’s been so long since you felt “as good as you should,” that you honestly don’t remember what that’s supposed to feel like, making you think that any shift closer to that direction is finally it… especially when everything looks perfect on paper. Does that make sense? Allow me to explain.
I was at a healthy BMI; my body functioned the way it was supposed to (ladies, you know what I’m talking about); my blood tests always came back perfect; I got high-fives from my doctor after every check up; I didn’t obsess over or restrict food… but I guess there was still room for improvement. I guess my body wanted a little more oomph… which I guess makes sense considering I was hovering around a similar weight to what I was before I got sick, and I’m no longer a wee little lass in my early 20’s (sorry… I recently watched Brave). Time has passed. My body has changed.
I don’t know… I’m still trying to work out the logistics of it (not really). All I know is that I feel pretty darn great (with, let’s be honest, the occasional crappy day thrown in the mix too), and if that means carrying around a few extra vanity pounds and more dimples on the wrong set of cheeks, then I can deal with that… Weight and pant size are too flimsy a thing to tie your happiness up into. It’s taken me years to finally internalize that, but there it is… extra pounds or not. I’m not the same weight that I was at this time last year, and I probably won’t be the same weight at this time next year — does that mean I should be any more or less happy? I don’t think so. There are other things going on in life that require my attention.
I eat the way I eat because it makes me feel good and I exercise the way I exercise for the same reason. I don’t get too caught up in the details because I honestly don’t have to; and that’s not to say that my way is right or wrong — it’s simply what works for me. So there you have it… Why I won’t be working for a bikini body this summer in approximately 1000 words and no pictures. Thank ya for listening to my rambles 🙂
No questions today — I’d just love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences.
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Amen, sister! I haven’t ever really had a “perfect” body per se, but I’ve been leaner, stronger, thinner, all over the place and agree that it doesn’t beat HAPPINESS. I have dimples on both sets of cheeks and I don’t imagine either set will ever go away for good. Thanks for sharing! <3
Wow, so many wonderful things to say about this post!!! First off, thank you for writing it. Secondly, you are 110% correct in saying that having a body like the one you described does NOT usually make us happy, so why suffer through it?! I’m on my own road to recovery, and while I’m not quite there yet, I am so much better than i used to be. You’re an inspiration and proof that recovery is possible. Go girl!
This is such a refreshing post to read and good for you for putting this out there. I was going to Race in and add (before you already mentioned it) that age is a huge factor.. I think you are about a year older than me, and I have totally noticed a difference in my body in my late 20’s… it was frustrating at first cuz I’m like I exercise, eat my veggies, etc… and out of nowhere the weight creeps on in certain choice areas.. but I’m coming to terms. Maintaing my 18 yr old body for life is ridiculous and at the end of the day… who carrrrres if I’m up a pant size, eh?? Time to go summer clothes shopping. Nothing worse than the too small clothes to bring you down! Keep on feeling great girl.. and you know what they say.. if you have a body.. and you’re in a bikini.. BOOM you have a bikini body..
“I eat the way I eat because it makes me feel good and I exercise the way I exercise for the same reasons”. That is perfect and I can only agree. When you know you feel good in yourself you know you are doing right. I see I’m so far the only guy to comment on such a topic, lol but it’s what I advocate in my blog too. Thanks again for this great post.
Thank you so much for posting this! Currently going through the same thing except I’m having a little bit more trouble accepting it. Reading this helped clear my mind a lot. Mentally happier than ever, and the bad body image days pass. When I was at aower weight, bad body age days were like every day and my disorder had so much control! So thank you! 🙂
Don’t beat yourself up for having some trouble with it — it’s definitely not something that happens overnight. One thing I’ve found that helps is to remind myself that “life’s too short to constantly be at war with yourself.” You’re in a lifelong relationship with your body — might as well make it a good one.
i love this! Since recovering doing Pilates has calmed and focusing on that really has helped. Making my choices about being happy and not what the scale says. here is a link to my feelings on gaining 5 pounds
http://www.inallofhersplendor.com/2014/06/13/i-have-gained-5-pounds/
It’s funny because I think you’ve discovered the key to life here – there is so much more to life than whether or not you can fit into a bikini, or whether or not you ate perfectly, or whether or not… We all struggle with internalizing that, especially when it comes to certain things (different things for all of us), but getting that message is nothing short of life changing. I know it’s something you have been working on, and I’m happy for you that you feel like you are on your way. For the record, I think you look BEAUTIFUL. It may not be all about that, but it’s still the truth.
You are amazing <3 I haven't commented for a while, but I still read your posts and this is awesome. I share your thoughts as well – I used to have really great abs and thin legs – which I still do, but now I have muscle on my legs and my abs are a bit covered. And you know what? I am so much happier than I used to be, because I can eat food and (for the most part) not worry about calories, fat, or how much I will have to run to burn it off. Thank you for being an amazing example! And by the way, you're beautiful, which I hope doesn't sound weird.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for giving everyone the courage to be happy for reasons other than their dress size or their thigh circumference. I struggled with anorexia for years and can definitely understand the “better, but not exactly good” place. I think I’ve finally reached a good place, too, and it feels super great. High fives all around!
This is refreshing to see! I’m happy for you that you’ve made peace w/your body… something most of us don’t really do. I am trying to… I’m also a bit heavier than I used to be, but I eat SO much healthier & nutrient-dense than I ever did previously. I’m pretty sure my body is much healthier (& happier) with a bit of added weight & probably some extra muscle. I’m just trying to make peace with it & getting older doesn’t really help either. Thanks for putting this out there! You go girl!! 🙂
One thing I always tell myself is that “life is too short to constantly be at war with yourself.” In the battle of wills, the body always wins… or it makes your life a living hell until you give in 😆
Ughhhh I love this. I love your attitude and I love how carefree you are. I think fitness should be for endorphin’s and for self confidence, never for a bikini body. What is a bikini body anyway?! Who defines that? That magazines are just making secure people feel insecure, which I am not all about.
Love love love everything about this post. I never thought I’d be happy with my body again. When I was 85 pounds, I was happy with my body. Then got injured, gained 30 pounds, gained an ass, some boobs, and a period. I wasn’t happy then. I tried for years to run off the weight, to get back to where I was before. But that just wasn’t’ possible anymore. My body wanted to keep the weight on. I had everyone saying I looked great, but I disagreed. It wasn’t until I started lifting weights that I truly gained an appreciation for my body, and I can honestly say that I truly love my body. I may have a hard time trying to get my ass in shorts and pants now, and have bigger arms now due to muscle, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the world, I love the strength I’ve gained. And I knew with the history of an eating disorder that I may not be able to ever love myself or ever really forever myself for what I did, but I feel lucky to be where I am now.
Funny, when I was soooo concerned about my weight (i.e. my really disordered eating days) I looked worse in a bikini than I do now… probably because I didn’t have any muscle mass to even look good in one. I always just think that if you’re confident enough to be in a bikini, then girl, rock it.
What an amazing post. So often we don’t trust ourselves and rather get caught up in what we should be doing. Or looking like according to someone else’s standards. Love your honesty!
Such a great post, and a great attitude. 🙂 You are right about the fitness magazines, I’m sure. I don’t read them any other time than standing at a check out either, but I constantly see headlines like ‘get the perfect abs this summer.’ It’s sad.
Well-said! Virtual high fives to you!
As I get older (I am 35), the goal is more around health – being in my healthy BMI range, feeling energetic, being mentally sharp, feeling productive, etc. It is LESS about the looks/aesthetic. Sure we all want to feel comfortable in our own sin…but I have absolutely no desire to be a bikini model! I do not want to deprive myself. Food is a joy, and I want to enjoy my life.
Basically, I have a lot of thoughts about this post and to sum them all up….you are amazing. and beautiful. and I adore you.
But to add to that: you know I completely understand where you’re coming from. I weigh more than I ever have in my adult life and I’m ok with that – my body is healing and it needs the extra fat and the weight to do so. But if I had tried to do this a year or two ago? I’d be freaking right the eff out. It’s nice to be in a place where motivation to be healthy just comes from the idea of optimal health, rather than looking hot or obtaining a ‘beach body’. There are just so many more important things in life, and I’m a lot happier to have interests outside of food and exercise.
There’s a lot of disorder and the like in the blogging community, and I’m so, so happy that there’s bloggers out there like you to cut through that bull and show what health really is. Our happiness shouldn’t have anything to do with our weight or our pant size.
All those things you said about me? Right back at ya, lady <3
Good for you miss! That is very refreshing to see someone who loves who she is, few pounds or not. You are beautiful inside and out as you are, and it is wonderful you can share it with the world that you will not conform…although I am sure you are not anywhere close to as big as you think! I put on quite a few pounds the last few weeks with traveling, but that nagging voice in my head is warning me that racing season is coming and I need to eat healthier to feel stronger. However, I truly made the most of the last few weeks, indulging in everything my heart desired, and it was wonderful.
It is SO inspirational to read your outlook on body image! You only have one shot at life and to waste even a day of your life obsessing over workouts, calories, muffin tops, or whatever is sad. You are incredible and so strong!
I love this and it is such a beautiful and appropriate message in today’s day and age. Happiness should come from the memories you make and the experiences you have and NOT how much you weighted while doing so. Keep being beautiful <3
Thank you for sharing, Amanda! I am glad you are healthy and happy and at a place where you are comfortable with your body. I’ve done the disordered eating/exercise addiction thing, so I can empathize with all of that. Feeling comfortable in my body was all I ever wanted! (I’m there, woohoo!) Anyway, glad you’re in such a great place right now. 🙂
Woohoo is right! Glad to hear it, girl! 😀
Brilliance…”Weight and pant size are too flimsy a thing to tie your happiness up into.”
It’s been a long time since a “bikini body” has been my motivation for working out and healthy eating. It’s just not that important.
Great post, it really hit home for me. I also struggled with ED and am currently a little heavier than I have been the past year. But I don’t care! I’m happy and healthy. Thanks for posting.
Is it Thursday? Lol… But seriously I’m glad that you are in a place where you are accepting yourself. That is something difficult to do. When I give motivational speeches, that’s something I always tell them.
I’m in Hawaii and I’ve been at the beach without a bikini. My aunt was like ‘You’ll regret not wearing a bikini when you’re older!’ ….actually, no. I won’t. It’s just not my personality to wear one!
Big high fives to you!! I’ve found similar freedom after having a watermelon-like belly from pregnancy. I have wanted to get back into my old clothes, and am glad that I have, but my less-awesome bod doesn’t worry me like I thought it would. I’ve got bigger fish to fry, I suppose.
Thanks for sharing. You rock!!
I love this post and the honesty of it! It sounds like you’re in a REALLY good place. I’m so happy for you that you’re feeling comfortable in your own skin, even if it comes with a couple of extra pounds. 😉
Great post, girl! I feel like this is something a lot of us go through as we get closer to the big 3-0, realizing our bodies just aren’t going to be the same as they were when we were 20 years old. I think it’s awesome that your happiness is no longer tied to all those numbers.
As far as a bikini body goes? Well, a good spray tan has been my best friend this summer!
Ha! I hear that. But can you believe that I’ve even given up on tanning? I think about it and I’m just like… ahhhh too much work and maintenance 😆
GREAT post lady! I was so looking forward to this post when you mentioned it last week and you delivered BIG time! Such a captivating read! I have said this before and I will say it again (this post is proof) YOU, my friend, are one heck of an amazing writer! You manage to always express your point of view, but never put anyone else down in the process (and there’s a lot of that kind of junk going around).
In my older and I like to think wiser (though others might argue the fact) years, my mantra has always been that “healthy = happy, and happy = healthy”, while everyone’s definition of healthy might be different, and there might be different things that make each of us happy, we all know what happy feels and it’s hard to live any other way! 🙂
<3
Sounds to me like you have a bikini body ready for the summer. Being happy is the only thing to me that clarifies that. I am just so proud of you for not stressing about those extra pounds, but looking back and realizing being “skinny” wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, so why go back. I bet you enjoy life a lot more now not worrying about being a certain size. I am totally with you and some days are just bad days where nothing feels right and we may be a tad harsher on our bodies. However, it’s one day and then we change our outlook the next day. SO happy for you!
Beautiful! You are so lovely Amanda and have come so far! Keep up the amazingness and self love 🙂
This post is truly amazing!! As much as I love your pictures (so much #foodporn) you have a gift with writing both humorous and inspirationally truthful thoughts. So many HLB, even ones that I love, make me feel as though I need to “clean up” my diet or eat more natural or work out harder, push myself, GAINS, etc.
And there are times when I need those encouragements, but there are so many MORE instances where I need to read a post like this. To be happy with where I’m at and to be happy in whatever direction the future takes me, without feeling like I always need to work for or change something. That I won’t be lost if I don’t have something to work for. So thank you every day for inspiring me, making me laugh and unforgettably making me drool 🙂
Where do I even start? Wow. Another amazing post. I’ve been following along your blogs since the ‘seek’ days and you’ve come so far and become a great role model with a truly healthy mindset for many. While I’m not there yet I hope those pounds [and years of life] adding up will aid me in ingraining those realizations myself and not fussing too much about what others think. Because yes, my happy weight might not be where I want it to be and that -should- be okay.
The funny thing about me working out and eating to achieve that ‘bikini body’ in past years is that swimming isn’t my favourite activity at all so I actually never wear bikins. So it makes no sense to work towards a so-called ‘flawless’ bikini shape. I’m not a model whose income depends on looking good while wearing next to nothing on a catwalk – and thank goodness I’m not.
😆 I’m sorry but I totally had to laugh at the swimming part, because I can completely relate. Couple that with the fact that there are no beaches anywhere near me, and yeah… the whole beach body thing doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Amen! What a fantastic post Amanda. There is so much more to life than the body. I am thrilled to hear your recovery has progressed above and beyond your expectations. It is apparent in every post, the way your “voice” shines through in your writing I hear the freedom in your words. I once read that in order to recover fully from an eating disorder you have to want to live more than you want to fight. You are an example of living. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience.
Fantastic post Amanda. I feel in a similar position. Some days I can get caught up that my stomach is not flat anymore but then I realise that I am not 18 anymore and that my body is going to change. Like you said we all have off days and I really appreciate you being honest about that. Even though I have gotten to a point too that my happiness does not rely on my clothes size or weight, I can still have an off day. Like I legitimately cried the other day because I got some new stretch marks. I seem to walk half a step and I get a new one (my Mum and sister have them bad too, genetically crappy skin ;). I kindly remind myself I have an AWESOME body that allows me to experience the amazingness that is life. Not being the “perfect” size or having stretch marks is not something to get attach happiness too. I am so lucky to have a happy and healthy body and that is all that matters 🙂 Life is too bloody short to be worrying about this stuff. Be a healthy weight and enjoy life!
You are such an inspiration to young ladies (and gents!) out there girl!
I agree with a lot of the things you said being in recovery myself BUT I also think it’s easy for people at a healthy weight to say it. I mean, would I be happy with the life I have right now if I was obese? To be perfectly honest I don’t think I would!
True… but the same can be said about being severely underweight — there’s no happiness there either. And even then, it usually has more to do with overall health and quality of life than it does with weight, as both extremes severely impact how you physically feel and how you end up having to adjust your daily life.
Oh definitely and after experiencing both I know that I’m happy at neither! My point was just that I feel it’s easier to be happy with your body when you’re kind of in the middle.
When I was heavier there were moments where my life was better than it is now but despite that I always felt self-conscious as I knew I was overweight. I know every person is different but I need to like what I see in the mirror (or learn to like it!) and I’m just saying that I don’t think I could were I very overweight.
Love, love, LOVE!!! Kudos for you for not only being so open about yourself but for wanting to make such a positive change by bucking the norm. It’s sad to think that we’ve become so conditioned to constantly be improving our bodies but it’s the truth. So thank you for stepping out of the norm and posting something truly positive
Wonderful post Babe!!
Totally love your attitude. I DO work for a lean body, but this is just my goal. But hey – I put on about 7 kilos of muscles (and some fat in there too of course) – and when cleaning out my closet, I had to throw away a third of my clothes. Did I mind? A little. Am I happy with my curvy butt and muscly arms? Yes. I am happier like that? YES!!
Thanks for keeping it real and inspiring us love.
A-FREAKIN-MEN.
Brilliance all around, lady. Your ramblings need to be shouted from the rooftops!
Seriously inspiring, and so happy that there are girls out there like you who are confident and happy working through life struggles enough to talk about it and still be positive and optimistic and love their lives.
Well Done, Well Done. 🙂
great read! since recovering, my focus has been less trying to achieve a bikini body and more eat whatever I want and be happy!
But what IS a bikini body anyways? I feel like my body is pretty great the way it is 😉 and I’m pretty happy so that’s all that matters right? 😀 My boyfriend thinks my body is “bikini ready” and so do my friends but my body % is higher than it was a couple months ago so according to magazines I don’t have a bikini bod but to my friends and family I do and isn’t that more important anyways? 🙂
to clarify: not saying my focus of ED was a bikini body but that my focus for the summer isn’t focusing on getting a bikini body! my wording was off sorry 🙂
I think we can all agree that a “bikini body” is in the eye of the beholder 😉