Ever have those days where you have so many thoughts floating around in your head, that the moment you try and attend to one, they all come rushing forward at the same time only to get stuck in the doorway that separates your conscious from your subconscious, consequently leaving you sitting there with a blank look on your face and a little bit of drool dribbling down your chin? That was me for the past couple of days…
I started writing this post on Sunday afternoon, gave up trying to finish it on Sunday night, tried again on Monday morning, and finally said “to hell with it” on Monday afternoon and decided to do some gardening instead…
And by “gardening” I mean going out to buy a potted plant, haphazardly stuffing it in my car, and strategically placing it on my balcony, but still… considering it made me feel slightly less homicidal, I can understand why people say that “gardening” is quite therapeutic.
But that’s neither here nor there.
The point is, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and trying to get it all out has been a frustrating process to say the least. Yes, part of it has to do with those flowers from the other day, but I’m not quite ready to share the deets on that one just yet – I have to be patient myself, so you can keep me company while I wait. Please keep me company while I wait?
But again – neither here nor there.
What I actually wanted to talk about today has to do with recovery. I feel like I’m in a pretty good place with my recovery. I’m not afraid of food; I’m not addicted to exercise; and I don’t feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. I mean sure, I have my downer days, but even when those nasty thoughts do pop up, they’re more of a back-of-the-mind “itch” rather than an all-consuming focus that goes on to direct my actions.
So, overall, I’d say I’m doing alright on the food and body front. What I am struggling with, however, is life. Or, more specifically, with picking up the pieces of what my eating disorder left of mine.
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I lost a lot more than weight and health thanks to my ED. Friends. Ambitions. Passions. Gone. The ability to laugh. The ability to have fun. The ability to feel. Vanished. What I was left with was a hollow shell of my former self – I became a girl who cared about virtually nothing outside of food and fitness, and catering to the destructive demands of my disorder.
But that’s not the point. The point is that with time and plenty of blood, sweat, and tears, I recovered. My body healed and the destructive thoughts ebbed. Wonderful! Yes. The only problem was… hmm, how can I put this… I guess the best way to describe it is to say that I felt like I had suddenly woken up alone in the middle of an unfamiliar place and I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I felt completely lost…
Allow me to explain…
Essentially, I had forgotten how to live a normal life. My eating disorder was the center of my world for so long that I didn’t quite know what to do with myself when it no longer was – there was this big, black void in me that I didn’t know how to fill. And I was alone. My ED hit at one of those awkward transitionary phases of my life… I ended up losing a lot of the friends I had from high school and not really making any new ones throughout all of college – severely isolating oneself tends to have that effect. After all those years, it was just me, myself, and I. Okay, so it wasn’t quite that bad, but you get the idea. I was basically starting my life from scratch when I was already in my late[r] 20’s.
I’m not going to sugar coat it – it sucked hardcore, and there were plenty of times where I questioned the point of recovering in the first place. I mean, of course it was great to have more energy and be rid of all the obsessions, but I just couldn’t stop beating myself up over the fact that I felt so far behind everyone else my age. Sure, I graduated college, had a job, owned my own place, and went about the daily motions, but there was still something missing. My social life was non-existent and, more often than not, it basically felt like I was just trying to get through the day. There were plenty of times where I’d be sitting at home in the evening, just waiting for a decent hour to strike so that I could finally go to sleep and put an end to the day… only to wake up and repeat the entire process again, and again, and again…
And the most frustrating part of all? I wasn’t doing anything about it. There was nothing stopping me from going out there and “living,” as they say, but it was almost like… I didn’t know how? Or I just wasn’t interested? Like I’d resigned myself to the way things were, even though the way things were wasn’t exactly how I wanted them to be. It was kind of a low-point for me.
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Where am I going with all this? To be honest, I have no idea… I’m used to being able to give answers and offer advice, but I’m afraid I don’t quite have any when it comes to my current predicament – I’m still trying to figure it all out myself. Granted, things are a lot better than they used to be, but I can’t help but feel like I’m floating around in some kind of strange limbo. Yes, I have some things to look forward to, but they’ll take time, and the waiting game is driving me in.sane. I already feel like I wasted so much time, so the thought of wasting more is just… ugh.
But I’m trying my best to stay positive, and if I’m being completely honest, that’s usually not all that hard… This is something I want to go into a little more detail about in a future post, but I really do see everything I’ve been through as a blessing in disguise. Sure, it was no walk in the park, but it taught me so much, and I really feel like I’ve come out of it a better and stronger person. Now if only I can keep trusting the rest of the process…
. – . – . – .
Can anyone relate?
Have you ever gone through a period of “limbo” where you felt like you were just waiting for something to happen? Any advice on how to handle it? I’m not quite sure if I should be doing something more proactive or just be… ugh… patient.
After reading your post, I had to stop and process your question for some time before I could comment, as it really hit home for me. Have I ever been in a state of limbo? Well…my initial reaction was…not really (at least nothing relating to anything significant in my life ), but then it hit me…I’ve been in a state of limbo now and have been for close to 2 years. I can’t believe I never really thought of it in that way before or maybe it’s more like I just push it out of mind (or at least I try to).
I don’t wish to discuss the subject of my limbo at this time, but I will say that it’s downright difficult. I try occupying my mind, but sometimes it just creeps up on me and I do have moments of anger, sadness and disgust. The way which I’ve been able to cope with these feeling is talking to my mom and dad and my husband about it. They’re good listeners and reinforce to me that it’s going to be okay. Also, my new found love for Zumba and blogging have benn the biggest outlets to relieve these feelings.
So Amanda, I’d like to say to you (as I’ve been reminded by those I love) that it’s going to be okay and to remind you that you’re strong — look at what you’ve accomplished so far. Be patient (trust me…I know it’s hard), but try to find an outlet to relieve those emotions. That is the way I’m getting through my state of limbo. The tough days will pass and better days will come.
Thank you Holly, both for your advice and opening up a little. Big hugs to you, and I hope that your limbo ends soon as well <3
I love that you are able to express yourself so honestly and that so many of us can relate to you. I find myself feeling “behind” everyone else all of the time. I’m going to be 29 in a few months and I’m not married, I don’t own a home, I don’t have a baby and I barely have anything in my savings. But then I remind myself that I love my life and I am so very grateful for the wonderful people in it. And if we can’t look perfect, eat perfect, and be at the “perfect” stage of life all of the time, then it is more important to be happy with ourselves and to cherish our health because you never know when it will be taken away!
It’s hard, isn’t it? When everyone else seems to be getting married and having kids? I talk to people I knew from high school who are “all grown up,” and it almost feels surreal. It’s like… when did that happen?!
I have struggled with being in & out of Limbo-land for the past ten years or so. No ED but I am pretty OCD & ADD so when I find something I enjoy, its all or nothing! Which is hard on relationships, with either sex or at any age. I have found that finding a few quality hobies that I enjoy & setting small, obtainable goals really has helped me a lot! It sounds silly but I book time for myself for reading blogs, pinterest & general relaxing, along with my obsessive fitness class teaching & meal prep. Living in the north, I know that the dark seasonal weather REALLY affects me & about two years ago, for Valentines Day, my hubs bought me a SAD light. I swear it changed my life! Its just a cheap amazon special but it sits on my vanity & when I do my hair & make up in the morning, its on & it starts my day off with sunny vitamins. Sometimes the best way to get out of limbo is to do something new, differnt & totally unlike you- Karaoke??!! no JK but something will change, I know it! The waiting is the hardest part….we out here in (creeper) blog land are all rooting for you!
Thanks Morgan 🙂 I was actually thinking about getting one of those SAD lights for the winter, since that’s definitely the time where I seem to sink further into a funk. And karaoke actually sounds like it would be a really fun idea 😉
Can anyone relate? You don’t even need to ask. I think that EVERY SINGLE SOUL in recovery has felt this way but has not been able to express it. Some to different degrees than others. But everyone, without exception.
But to read these words and know for sure that I am not alone, that you are not alone, that none of us are alone in these feelings. Well, it isn’t a comforting thought, per se, but it puts an end to some loneliness. Like feeling like you’re standing in the middle of a dark forest alone with nothing but a candle, and then turning a corner and realizing that there are so many others with candles, ready to join up with one another and illuminate the night.
The question is, what do we do about it? Where do we go from here? The answers are different for everyone, but I sincerely hope that by reading these words, many will acknowledge these feelings within themselves (as I know I have) and will go forward trying to not let any more moments slip away. You’re right, no matter if we’ve lost one moment or one million to isolation and insecurity, it is far too many, and we should do our best to make the most of every second from here on forward.
Thank you. Once again, I have NO idea where I would be without you. <3
Knowing how strong you are? You would be fine. I just help make the journey a little less lonely <3 <3
I can totally relate with you on the waiting game. Also you sound a lot like me-positive but uncomfortable with the present. It’s a strange place to be but I use distraction and healthy things like hanging with friends and running to get me through it. Sometimes though, there isn’t an answer and we just have to wait. :/ Hope the pretty flowers are keeping you happy though!
They’re definitely helping 🙂
I can relate, and I really hope that things get better for you. I’m not trying to get too personal here, but are you a Christian/a religious person? Email me if you want to talk
I am Christian, yes. Actually, I’m pretty sure that faith and prayer are a big part of the reason why I am where I am today.
I can relate in that I got married at 23, had a wonderful husband, house and a baby by 25, living the American Dream and suddenly going through a divorce process at my 30th birthday. As I turn 35 tomorrow, I can 100 % relate because over the last 5 years, I have gone from that feeling of what now, who am I, where do I belong, how do I start over, what do I do, with who and how and when…it has taken time to get to where I am now. And I like where I am now. Not where I thought I would be at 35, but you know, I will 100% take it! You will get to where you are meant to be. You don’t need to know what where how or when, you will just arrive there, all while going through the motions. I promise. Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Meredith 🙂 I’m kind of coming to realize that things never quite work out the way we plan, but that that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’re right… I’m not exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but honestly… I can’t really complain. It almost feels like we just have to learn how to make the most of what comes our way.
I can relate to this so much and am glad you wrote it to get it off your chest.. i was stuck in this for about 2 years where i had little to no friends because I wanted nothing to do with people because that interrupted my workout or eating schedule. I was not fun to be around and didn’t want to ever do anything spontaneous. I met a couple of friends in school and after so long and being in recovery already they seemed to pull me out of the slump. After I met them i got my confidence back and saw wow people still want to become my friends.. It’s hard putting yourself out there and get back into “life” but i think you are doing great just from this blog alone, you will def get there I got full confidence
Thanks Kaity 🙂 And of course people want to become your friend! You’re freaking fabulous 😛
I thought my comment had posted but clearly not…thank you computer. I’m in a limbo right now and I fully admit that. I have absolutely no idea where I will be in the fall (something I haven’t really said a lot via blogging/media at all) and it’s all that consumes my mind. When I went to upstate NY, I lost a lot of friends because we grew apart…now I’m back living at home and still don’t have a lot of friends. I don’t know, you thanked me for my honesty but your honesty is always incredible and so relateable as well.
I haven’t struggled with eating disorders but I do feel like the past few years have been hard with friends moving away, getting jobs, getting married and when you get busy it’s harder to keep in contact with close friends.
Sending you hugs, friend… but I feel like I have to say that even though it sucked what you went through (and it does, no question) you did a great job of pulling yourself out and your life right now ain’t too shabby. And things will get better, I have to believe that…
Awwwr thanks Ari 🙂 Sending you hugs right back… and good vibes with your Oregon plans!!
You do such a phenomenal job of expressing yourself & that has got to be hugely helpful for you & for others. I can relate as I tend to get in my own head way TOO much & exhaust myself with the “What If’s???” I vote for the being proactive with a hint of patience. We need to have that forward momentum & when we have that so many other good things will come!
Oh my GOSH did I need to see this post today. I am in the same place as you. I’m okay with food right now, I’m alright with taking days off exercise, and I’m happy enough with myself. But there’s something that’s missing still. Socially, I still struggle day to day with the exact things you’re talking about. I don’t let people close to me, I’m terrible about making (or keeping) plans, and I just feel lost a lot of the time. I spend so much time by myself since that’s what I did in the depths of my disorder. There’s something that honestly scares me about making plans with people. I don’t know why but I know it started when I developed my eating disorder. I used to be such a fun-loving person and now relaxing is next to impossible to me, which is why I picked up yoga. Basically, I totally get you and I really hope that one day we can find that life again we once had, even if it’s a different one than we used to live.
Maybe it could be that making plans with others prevents you from sticking to your routine and doing things your way? I know that was definitely part of it for me. I’d gotten so used to doing things a certain way and at a certain time, that deviating from that just felt all sorts of uncomfortable.
I cried when I read this because I did the exact same thing that you did. I’m now 28 years old and recovery just plain out sucked. I was left with the biggest black hole I could have ever imagined. As ridiculous as it sounds, I miss my ED sometimes because it at least kept my mind off what else I don’t have anymore. I lost all my friends after high school, my parents divorced, and my boyfriend left me all at the same time I moved to college. I haven’t been the same since. I got over it, past it, moved on, and went through 10 years of depression,an ED and recovery, but after all of that, I’m still left feeling like a mess inside the day I lost all of those important people. I never moved on. I moved to ED. Sure, I have a job now, but my ED stole my financial life as well, leading me to spend all of my money on that, and now I’m still living at home at age 28. I hate where I’m at in life and so want to be married, have a place of my own and be free of the hole that my ED left. This is such a terrible thing no one ever tells you about recovery. I wish we could meet .. I know that sounds creepy, but your story sounds so similar to mine, it would be nice to have someone to chat with. I write about my disorder on my blog alot and that helps pull some of the void out of me. Like you, I watch the hours of the day go by, just so it can get to the point where it’s time to go to bed at night and forget about things. I know this isn’t a way to live, but no matter how much I try to move on, I feel stuck. Thank you for writing this. It really made me feel a little less crazy:)
You’re definitely not crazy, Heather – judging by the comments, a lot of people struggle with this sort of thing. And we may not be able to meet, but if you ever need an ear, don’t hesitate to shoot me an e-mail 🙂
I struggled with this too but the further I got away from my eating disorder the easier it was to rebuild my life again. I would definitely suggest adding some more fun and friends in your life. It makes all the difference!
Definitely been trying to do that. It’s just a lot harder to make friends when you’re not in school and everyone seems to be married with kids 😆
I am sort of in this period right now. I have lost everything during this eating process and missed making friends in college thanks to isolating myself. A lot of my high school friends have moved away or found lives for themselves while I was trying to just live with myself and exercise. Also, my whole knee fiasco is not helping in this matter, but it isn’t the only excuse for completely losing myself. I told my mom the other day, I just count down the hours until I can go to bed because I’m just bored and alone the entire day. Thankfully, I have Elmo or I’d probably be in a rough place… If here at all. It’s amazing how much I left behind to just be THIN. Ugh, what the hell. It just makes me mad to even think about it. All I could say for advice is what I believe recovery is… Baby steps. And I have a feeling you’re in the right direction since flowers are becoming a part of your life 😉
It’s funny. I keep telling people that recovery is all about taking baby steps, and then I go ahead and forget that when it comes to looking at how I’m doing myself. Thanks for the reminder, girl <3
Um, yes. I can definitely relate. My “problem” is that over the past few years, I’ve outgrown a lot of my HS friendships, and have been experiencing some negativity from friends who are unhappy & stuck in their old ways and assume I’m being a snob because I don’t hang out with them anymore. I feel like I’m headed in a healthy, positive direction – one that feels right to me, and people who used to be my best friends make me feel negative/drained when I’m around them. So, yeah, I totally relate to feeling isolated & alone at times.
I get anxious about not knowing what I “should” do or what my purpose is/should be. Basically, I just need to get out of my head & chill out. Hahaha. It’s hard though, especially for a “type A” personality like myself – I just want to get shit done – NOW! Like, yesterday!
Once again I feel like you’ve taken a look into my head and found just the right words to accurately describe the struggle I’m in. Thank you! It’s something that’s been on my mind for ages – at times even more than food, exercise, … As you asked whether we could relate? Yes, I absolutely can. Not knowing what will be left once I’ve let loose of my ED, unsure where my life might lead me, how to live it in a “normal” way. That all might sound ridiculous to somebody who never struggled with an ED or dealt with similar thoughts. How some people can just go about their lives and trust in things falling into place makes me feel – dare I say it? – kind of jealous.
Thinking about what a huge part of my lifetime so far I spent absorbed in disordered thoughts and living a life that wasn’t your “normal” teen/young adult’s makes me feel out of place. So many chances I missed, so many opportunities I didn’t take or weren’t able to – will I ever be able to make up for them, catch up on life? It’s a constant worry for me.
Regarding the “limbo” you’re mentioning: what I’d meant to do – somebody please remind me daily to actually put these plans into action, sigh … – is look for new activies to try. Joining a book club (didn’t work for me as there don’t seem to be any official ones around), get engaged with a political or other group, … So yes, I’d guess being proactive seens like a good way to me. Though you don’t seem to do pretty well already what with cooking with friends, going out to meet others and else so don’t stress yourself to much. You’re awesome, Amanda <3!
It’s definitely hard to look at others who seem to have everything together, but I think that everyone struggles with feeling lost… they might just not show it as much. And girl, I can’t even begin to tell you how long I’ve been planning to get out there and get involved in some kind of group or community. I need a serious kick in the butt myself…
Umm you are inside of my head. I JUST wrote a draft post similar to this (not related to an ED, but my own struggles about feeling like my life is behind and similar to everything you are going through) I am not sure when I will be ready to publish it, but it’s there whenever I am ready! It did feel good to put my thoughts onto paper though (or well..online paper.) You’ve mentioned religion briefly on your blog before, but I’m not sure quite how religious you are. What’s been helping me is letting go of the things I cannot control and putting my trust into God 100%. Every day feels numb right now, but I know things will get better.
I’m not sure how long you’ve been struggling with these feelings, but I do think if you want some new friends and starting to build that social life you should put yourself out there (challenging FOR SURE, but part of what will make you stronger) join a group, join a volunteering place, join something that you can around your area that will introduce you to people. I think patience is key, but somethings you do have to get out there and do yourself with a little push and a little faith!! I loveee you, and I hope things start turning around (for both of us) and things start looking a little bit clearer!
I’m pretty sure that putting my faith in God is one of the main reasons that I’m still sane 😆 Knowing that He has a plan for me definitely helps. And you’re right… I really need to push myself to get out there more – it’s just a lot harder when you’ve kind of become complacent with the way things are 😕
This is (yet another) moment where I wish Edmonton wasn’t several provinces over, because I really just want to give you a massive hug right now. I feel like you took the words out of my head with this one. The majority of my ED occurred throughout my undergrad – the time in your life when you’re supposed to be having fun, making friends, drinking too much, staying out all night…and I didn’t do any of that. I felt like I couldn’t do any of that. I isolated myself so much – I was excited for weekends because it meant that I didn’t have to leave my house. I didn’t make friends, and I didn’t really talk to most of the ones I had.
When I started recovery, I thought that suddenly, my social life would pick up and life would be wonderful. But it doesn’t work out that way…and I’m legitimately angry at myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to have ‘the college experience’ and feeling like it was such a wasted opportunity. Some friendships are irreparable, and then there’s the opportunities that I’ll never have again with people I went to school with. It is depressing. While I know I learned so much and wouldn’t be where I am with my relationship with food and with my body without the ED, I can’t help but wonder where I would have been if I had never gotten to that point.
And then of course, there’s the being in an MA program and having no idea what I’m going to do with myself when it’s over. I definitely suffer from the ‘drifting’ problem – I’m not sure what I want to do with it or with my life in general, and that unsettles me. Bah.
And of course, I will be waiting with you! <3
You’ll owe me that hug in September 😉 And those “what if” thoughts used to KILL me, but there’s really no sense beating yourself up over the things you can’t change. I’m starting to get the feeling that most people struggle with that drifting feeling, we just can’t see it. Like if you hadn’t just told me, I would have had NO idea you were kind of going through the same thing. So I guess it’s kind of comforting to know we’re not in it alone.
I was stuck in a similiar sort of limbo last year between graduation and being accepted to graduate school. By the time I graduated I had been rejected from all but one program and it wasn’t looking good for getting into the one waitlist I was on. Instead of enjoying the last few weeks of the semester with my friends/BF I was moping around my apartment in a panic, applying for jobs (that I didn’t want) like crazy trying to get some feeling of CONTROL back into my life.
It was a mess. I was a mess, and as much as I wish I had had faith in the process at the time I didn’t. And in the end I lost out on that time, those memories and experiences with my friends that left 3 years of friendship on a sour note. It sucked and I still carry the regret of what I lost even now that things have worked out…
Excited to see what’s up with those flowers of yours 🙂
Oh yes, waiting is the worst! Hang in there. You’ve got a lotta’ good stuff going for you, and everything will start working together soon enough. I’m sorry you’re in this holding period. Hugs!
Thanks Tiff <3
I can SO relate. My eating disorder and ensuing depression forced me to transfer high schools right before senior year, and then I went off to college, so I’ve kind of been in a state of transition for a while now. There are times where I feel so utterly alone, even now, after I’ve established kind of my place at school. I have a solid group of friends, but sometimes…I don’t know. It’s just kind of, like you said, an empty feeling. I don’t really know how to deal with it, either. I guess I’m just trying to live and do my best at life and see what happens.
I can’t wait to find out what those flowers are about! I’ll wait with you. 😉 <3
Sometimes waiting it out is really the only thing we can do. One thing I keep telling myself is that life can change in a flash. You can meet someone, try something new, come up with a new idea, etc. and everything can take a whole new turn. It’s just about being patient.. unfortunately 😕
I can relate 100%. My story is a little different though. I also lost all my friends and clung on anyone who “loved me” and I ended up married at 19 and having a baby at 20. Both because I wanted to be loved. (Not the right reason) Now that I’m recovered and divorced I have times where I do feel lost. I don’t have a career, I don’t have the freedom to travel or do anything because of the kids. I’m learning that I can still live, I can still have goals and I can still dream big. Sometimes I panic and think OMG I’m already 25 and I work part time at a gym for minimum wage how am I going to move up when I don’t have a baby sitter, education, ect. In all honestly my blog is what keeps me going. I look at it as my “dream maker” and I truly believe that positive things will come from it. (I wrote a post about beauty box buddies I’m starting, II emailed you about.)
ED recovery is hard and that was a big mental block I had to deal with… the question of “What can I focus on now?” I think that’s a big reason I decided to train for a marathon too. It gives me something to think about, something to work towards. I also sat down and made a list of everything I wanted to do in life. Right now, I’m working on hanging out with friends more but it’s hard, especially with kids. I could go on and on but I think this comment is long enough!
Ashley,
I read your comment and had to reply. I suffered from both an ED and acute panic disorder. I got married at 21 which turned out to be a pretty awful decision. I was told that no one would want someone “like me”, so I stayed because I believed that. It was after my son was born (I was 23) that things started to click for me. He was proof someone else could love me for me, panic attacks and all. My marriage ended at 25, but through it all I’ve become stronger. I’m still working on recovering from both and sometimes feel likes “So this is what 29 looks like?”…. Like you I get that feeling in my gut of, “Oh gosh where do I go from here and how do I get there?” I am going to tell you what I tell myself everyday sometimes several times: You can do absolutely whatever you want to do and the first step is believing that you can. You can rock the socks off this life and make it exactly what you want. Embrace your dreams, work towards those dreams and don’t let fear be a roadblock. You got this! Good luck training for your marathon. I look forward to hearing how it goes. I’m training for a 5k, maybe a marathon one day in the very distant future.
B
http://smilingrunningshoes.blogspot.com/
Thank you for your reply! We sound so much alike! I have gotten the comment before.. You have two kids, no one wants someone with two kids. It’s definitely not true. I’m getting stronger and stronger everyday!
Honestly, I was thinking about challenging myself with something fitness related as well, but at the same time I’m afraid to start relying on anything food/exercise related because that was the beginning of the downward spiral for me in the past. And you e-mailed me? Ack! I don’t think I got it?!
It’s a very touchy situation when it comes to ed recovery and working out. I will admit I went a little nutzo a couple months ago, working out for 2 hours a day, not being able to get off the couch after. I’m balanced now. I do my run or whatever is planned and I’m done. I have a rest day and if I don’t get my run in for some reason, it’s OKAY. And yeah I emailed you lol. About my new project Beauty Box Buddies. It’s like foodie pen pals but I want to do it with unique beauty and fashion finds. from thrift shops, great deals, or handmade. All the info is on my blog if you’re interested 🙂
I don’t think I ever got your letter… I even checked my junk mail, and nothing 🙁 I’ll definitely be checking it out, though! You know I’m a serious beauty junkie 😉
I can totally relate. When I first came to college, I had a really hard time adjusting to the fact that, unlike high school, I didn’t have dozens of friends to call to hang out at a moment’s notice. It wasn’t related to my eating issues at all, but socializing can be HARD no matter what. I think lots of life periods, especially in your 20s, feel like limbo. I’ve been trying to embrace this. Also? The book MWF Seeking BFF helped me realize that a lot of my issues with making a big group of friends were totally normal, plus it’s a super hilarious book. Xoxoxoxoxo, amazing post (as always).
Huh. I never really considered the fact that socializing might just be difficult overall… I always assumed it was just me 😆 Thanks girl; I’ll definitely check out that book!
More than any words I’m sending a big hug your way, Amanda! I definitely can relate about waiting for things to happen or accepting that this is the way life will always be. For a handful of birthdays, I remember looking back and seeing no difference to the year before. Although I am not where I imagined to be at 25 (i.e. engaged/married), I can finally look back at the year and see a positive change…i finally feel like my life is coming together the way it should and honestly the only advice I can give is: “If you want to see a change, you have to make a change”. It’s daunting as hell but as you know from recovery itself, each step where you put yourself out of your comfort zone is one getting you an inch closer to a better place.
You’re right about that one, Khushboo… and I’m so happy to hear that you’ve been seeing those positive changes in your own life. You know I’ve already taken a couple leaps of faith 😉 so hopefully those get me somewhere good!
i can totally relate. when i was deep in my ED one of the most important things it took from me was my relationship with my fiance. well, it took it completely away. he took my ring back. told me i needed to get better. told me he didn’t know me anymore. we are now in the process of getting to know each other again. it seems ridiculous to me because we’ve been together for 7 years! how can we not know each other. but after my eating disorder we are both two totally different people. it’s so frustrating, but it’s also a great experience to find out who I REALLY am without the ED and I feel like I am a better person now. its frustrating to not know who you are though and have to re-learn to live WITHOUT the eating disorder. when you have one for so long you don’t even know yourself without one. but i always try to think of what the eating disorder gave me and my identity and i can’t come up with one single positive thing. so i am trying to embrace finding out who i am, and it’s going to be a long process, but one i think we all need to do.
so good luck finding yourself again, and maybe gardening isnt your thing, but find out what is. and i highly suggest being more social, meeting new people, or maybe reconnecting with old friends. friends who can remind you who you were and the happy fun person you use to be. she’s still in there 🙂
Thanks girl 🙂 It’s definitely been a long process, made even more frustrating by the fact that some of the changes are probably just the natural result of getting older… and it gets a little hard to figure out whether something is an ED thing or just a growing up thing.
Oh my gosh, I swear I could have written this post – I can relate to all of it! I thought life would be all rainbows and butterflies after I recovered, but it’s not. The ED sucked my life out of me and I’m still trying to get it back – and having a hard time of it. I was never the type of person to have a lot of friends, so I’m okay with my small group of closer friends. But the way I act in social situations isn’t the same as it used to be. I’m not that fun, spontaneous, care free girl I used to be and I don’t know how to get her back. I wish I had some advice for you girl but it looks like I’m stuck in the same boat as you. If you ever want to talk, shoot me an email. 🙂
I think I may just have to hit you up on that offer very soon 🙂
Okay! I would love to chat with you. 🙂
My gosh me Amanda!! This entire post is me to a T. Its like the contents of brain written out! I am going through this exact thing only I haven’t yet gotten past all my food/body issues as yet. But the whole social aspect..the way I seem to have no real desire to start relationships 🙁 .. I had no idea that you felt the way you do. Stay strong, I’m sure it’ll work out. Sending hugs your way 🙂
Thanks girl 🙂 Sending hugs right back.
I feel very similarly, love. Honestly, you just voiced a lot of what’s been going through my head the past few months. I kind of feel like I’m drifting,..I don’t know what i want to do with my life at all. I have a few friends but never made a ton in college thanks to everything that goes along with an ed and most of the ones I did moved away. I lost track of the number of times i went to bed between 8-9 because i had nothing to do. It’s getting better (having Joe home helps with that obviously), but I’m still trying to figure out where I’m going without driving myself crazy ha. All i can do right now is take it one day at a time and do my best to make the most of every opportunity i come across, but it’s definitely rough at times, hearing so many other people working towards something or pursuing a passion and I’m not. I know i have plenty of time to figure it out, and I usually am content with where i am, but i definitely have periods where i struggle with this too. Always here if you need/want to vent love!
I can definitely relate to being content but then getting hit with periods of “woe is me.” I think lot of it comes down to comparison, honestly. If I don’t look at what others are doing, then I feel a lot better, but as soon as I start playing the comparison game, everything comes undone.
I think that’s an excellent point, girl. Comparison rarely if ever turns out well, and it’s definitely something I need to watch!
I think a lot of people go through a similar experience of feeling alone and not really having any motivation. Have you looked at meetup.com to find out what’s going on in your local area? Might be a good way to find some people you have common interests with.
I haven’t! But I just looked through it and there are actually some pretty interesting groups. Thanks for the link, Jenni!
I think this is not only a problem for people recovering from an ED, but something that we go through in our mid-late twenties. It’s almost weekly that I think, “what am I doing with my life?” After college I lost some old friends when I decided that I would not continue relationships with people who were not supportive of me, and who did not make me feel good about myself. I’ve made new friends, and strengthened other friendships. It’s an ongoing process. I think it’s completely normal to feel the way you described. The best remedy during these times is to spend time doing your hobbies, or try some new things! I really, really like this TED talk about the topic:
http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html
Thanks Ashley! I’ll check that out.
This is why I love your blog-it’s so real! My eating disorder started in 8th grade and I went inpatient at the end of 9th grade. I switched to a new school to start off 10th grade. I’m a junior now and 17 years old and my life has made a total 360. It was a slow process, being comfortable getting social again. I was still focused on what I’d be eating and what people might think of me. I can honestly say though at the start of my junior year I just had like an epiphany. A family crisis made me see that it’s just not worth it. My confidence is through the roof now, at school I’m now known for being slightly obnoxious, fun and spontaneous. I go out with friends all the time, I have a boyfriend who adores me, and I love my life. It’s not all wonderful, and I absolutely have my bad days. Even 2 years since I started treatment I’m not exactly where I’m supposed to be weight wise, but I get closer and closer everyday. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I totally relate and one day you’ll wake up and be like “F it, this is my life and I want to make the most of it.” Focus on yourself, do what is right for you, and get out of your comfort zone every now and then-you won’t regret it. I had a therapist in the early days of my ED who really hit the nail on the head, and I’m just starting to understand what she meant… she told me “Just try recovery, just try doing things differently. If you don’t like it you know you are very good at listening and acting on your ED so you can always fall back on it.” Now I get it-once you taste freedom ( no pun intended ;]) you know there is no way in hell you could ever go back, life is just too precious.
That’s such an inspiring story, Sarah… thanks for sharing 🙂 You’re right that getting a taste of the freedom that comes with recovery is totally addicting. I honestly couldn’t imagine ever going back to the way things were… it’s just figuring out what to do with all the freedom that’s proving tricky 😉
Wow Amanda. Amazing, honest, personal post. It’s really admirable that you’d write about this. Lately (as we kind of discussed) I’ve been thinking a lot about my recovery and how it was such a bad place in my lift, but kind of a blessing in disguise at the same time. You’re right, it sucked. It took almost everything from me in my life as well.
Everything we both went through, taught us so much about life, ourselves, and others. In a way, it’s matured us a lot and made us really aware, which can be a blessing.
I look at you now, and think of you as so admirable and an inspiration to me and that’s what your blog is to many other.
Love you friend!<3
Oh and I also meant to write, I also kind of feel like I’m in a similar limbo place, and I know what you mean that it can be frustrating. Just being honest about what’s happening is a big step and being patient. It’s so hard because recovering is a slowwww process. Slower than most people would like. So I can definitely relate to that feeling of limbo.
Awwr thanks love <3 Right back at ya 🙂 It's definitely hard to ignore all the good that came out of this, but it's having to be patient and hoping that I'm actually going in the right direction that's proving to be difficult. I guess that's just true of life in general, though... we never really knowfor sure - we can only do our best.
I think being patient is the best thing you can do right now. I don’t have the exact story like you do, but I have felt in limbo. When I would try to do things, it wasn’t the right time, and it never helped, but instead hurt more. I applaud you for writing this and sharing your struggles still. Many people think that with any disorder or addiction, once you beat that one aspect, you are fine, but there is SO much more to it, exactly what you expressed.
Definitely not. And the most frustrating thing about it is that everything looks fine on the outside, but that’s not always the case on the the inside…
I feel like I’m in a transition phase now. After graduating college last month, so many friends are moving away for their jobs. I feel stuck, where I haven’t reached where I want to be yet. I believe being positive will always brin positive results. There is always something to be thankful for!
Exactly! And things can change in an instant, so we just need to keep ourselves open and not be afraid of that change 🙂
Thank you for this RAW honesty, sweetheart. Listen to yourself. You wrote, that everything you went through, taught you a lot. So it wasn’t a waste AT ALL. I can extremely relate on having the feeling I wasted time, but we don’t. Life is not about partying all the time and I know you know that. What you’ve been through is your story and it made you stronger, and TODAY, WE can be inspired by YOU. This is SO MUCH good. I wasn’t hit that hard by the ED, I always had friends and a social life, but believe me, I was LONELY too. The only advice I can give you, is to be authentic, honest and yourself. And as much as I can see from here, you are doing a brilliant job in this. Look at all these readers and followers – you are a person one wishes to be around. Believe me. And because of that, things will turn out right. Action? Yes – go for everything you wish for. Don’t postpone and don’t procrastinate. Take an adventure, take a risk. All the rest is patience. and all is coming. Promised.
Gah! Thank you so much love <3 You need to make a detour up to Canada on your trip to the States!
I can absolutely relate. I’m in a similar phase now, finally feeling a sense of “normality” about food and my body, and now I’m branching out to other areas of my life…trying to remember how to have friends and make plans, for example. It’s something you feel like should come naturally, but then just doesn’t. I’m slowly getting there. The key is not to stop trying. It is a process, and the more you push through the hard times, the easier things will get. And at the end of the day, there’s no “normal”, there’s only the way we choose to live, so don’t worry so much about figuring it all out. Thanks for sharing, and we are in this together 🙂
Thanks Jenny 🙂 You’re definitely right that it starts to feel easier over time, but it’s the waiting process that’s just the absolute worst. It helps knowing I’m not alone though.
I swear Amanda, I could have written this myself. My eating disorder/depression/anxiety was everything to me from the ages of 8-17, and now that it’s almost not there anymore, I feel empty. I have no friends, no passion, no understanding god what I want in life. Apart from working my jobs at a cafe/supermarket – which I don’t enjoy but do for the money, I sit on the computer and watch TV. I don’t know what I enjoy doing (I always thought it was cooking – LOL that was just the ED). Sometimes I feel like my issues were my ‘identity’, which is a bad thought, and my parents are suddenly so focused on me being ‘independent’ that I sometimes feel like I don’t have them anymore either. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one lost in this crazy world right now xxx
You’re definitely not alone on this one, Aimée… Judging from the comments, tonnes of people seem to feel this way; and if you ever need an ear, don’t hesitate to hit me up 🙂
holy… i can 110% relate. when i allow myself to think about how i wasted my early/mid 20s on bad habits, EDs and just being lost- it makes me SO mad at myself. in fact it happened a couple weekends ago and I ended up sobbing about it. however, i truly feel that where i am now in life is exactly where i was meant to be, and if that was the path I had to take in order to get here, then so be it. you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and you wouldnt be you without all the experiences and decisions (good and bad!) that got you here. if anything, feel proud of yourself for an amazing life thus far 🙂
“i truly feel that where i am now in life is exactly where i was meant to be” <-- that's actually pretty much exactly how I feel as well. Overall, I really don't regret what happened... the only time it hits me is when I start playing the comparison game, and we all know there are no winners in that one.