NEDA week. Thursday. Let’s do this…
1. I really struggled with today’s post (sincerest apologies to anyone who had to listen to me nag about it yesterday). Thursday posts have always been my favourite to write because they let me just talk about whatever randomness happens to be running through my head at the time… but what do you do when you promise to talk about ED-related topics and you never really think about ED-related topics? Well, I guess you talk about that…
2. I started blogging when I was in the darkest depths of my eating disorder (this was long before Spoons). I needed something that would hold me accountable and distract me from my recovery-related anxieties. Back then, every post I wrote focused on my disorder — probably because it was the most salient thing in my life. Over time, those posts became less frequent as I started feeling more and more removed from my disease. I would still write about it occasionally, but I found that it was more for my readers than it was for myself…
3. See, I wanted to help people. Not because I saw myself as an expert or because I thought I had all the answers, but because I was in that same hopeless place where I thought that I would never get better, yet by some miracle, here I am — living and loving life. I can’t necessarily tell you how it happened, because recovery is so different for everyone and I can’t even put a finger on it myself, but I can tell you to never give up hope…
Don’t write yourself off. Don’t try to define what “recovered” means. Don’t set your sights on the end goal, but instead focus on making small improvements every day. It can be overwhelming to look at how far you have to go — take baby steps and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. An eating disorder isn’t a life sentence unless you accept it as such. Your thoughts are a powerful thing…
4. … and so are your words. I never referred to myself as an anorexic — I was a girl (Amanda… hi!) who was struggling with anorexia. See the difference? The first identifies me as my eating disorder, whereas the second lets me keep my own identity and simply states that I’m dealing with a problem. What you say to yourself has a powerful effect on the way you think and act, oftentimes without you even realizing it. You can’t easily let go of something that you see as being a central part of your being, so remember — You are not your disorder; I was never mine. My disease never defined me, it simply robbed me of the things that made me me.
5. What things are those? I’m glad you asked! I’m a girl who loves to snowboard…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I a) didn’t have the strength or energy, and b) couldn’t handle being out in the cold for long periods of time without parts of me turning blue.
6. I’m a girl who loves to read…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I was in a constant brain fog and lacked the ability to focus. I would get to the end of a page in a book only to forget what I had read just seconds before.
7. I’m a girl who loves to travel…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because the anxiety of being taken away from my routine and safe foods was more than I could handle. Vacations were such a huge source of stress that I preferred to stay home.
8. I’m a girl who loves to bake…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because being around food that I wouldn’t allow myself to eat was torture.
9. I’m a girl who loves to play with makeup…
… which I could do in my ED, but I didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered to put extra time into my appearance. I didn’t think I was worth the effort.
10. I’m a girl who… is a whole lot more than a number on the scale, a label on a pair of jeans, a balance of macronutrients, or a certain amount of units of energy burned at the gym.
More places to find me!
E-mail — [email protected]
Twitter — runwithspoons
Facebook — runningwithspoons
Pinterest — runwithspoons
Instagram — runwithspoons
Bloglovin — runningwithspoons
You’re a great girl and I looooove your passion for baking and make-up. And exercise 🙂 I love it all. Thank you for sharing. Although I don’t comment too much, your blog is always so pretty and makes me smile 🙂 I love the positive message you send <3
I love your point about referring to yourself as someone with a problem – instead of letting a disorder define you. Your blog has really helped me to step away from disordered tendencies and focus on the awesomeness of life!
And hearing that just totally made my day 😀
Beautiful post yet again Amanda, You are on a roll.
Im so happy you decided to start blogging again because your blog was actually one of the first things that inspired me to recover 2 years ago. I remember thinking “If she can do it; I can to.” and well the rest is history.
Love your travel photos, especially the tropical ones! They’re a great mental escape from the snowy and cold winter weather =)
Um okay so this is amazing <3 everything is so, so true!!
This is such a powerful post. I work with students who have learning disabilities and we are taught to refer to them as people first. We say “a student with disabilities” because it does not define them, and we are not defined by ED. This probably isn’t the most appropriate comparison.
In any case, I put my career on the backburner for so long and now I’m in love with it all over again. I can’t believe I ever fell out of it, but that’s what defines me now: I’m Julie and I’m a teacher. 🙂
Love it, girl! The world definitely needs more teachers who are passionate about what they do. They can have such a positive impact on their students’ lives.
It’s amazing how you think being thinner will make you feel like a GREAT person when it completely strips you of energy, attention, and the desire to put on makeup. I’ve been through all three and the WORST times were definitely when I stopped caring about putting on makeup every day. Definitely the lowest point, I believe. Thankfully, most of these I can check off my list too! I remember finding your blog RIGHT before you stopped blogging for a while. I’m glad you’re back 😀
Wow, great post Amanda. I’m kinda speechless. I admire how far you’ve come & how open you are about your struggles. I’ve never had an ED, but have come from the opposite overweight end & even though it’s different, I can understand a lot of the feelings.
Girl, you are so amazing. =)
Fabulous post Amanda!:) I love this! You’re so right about letting ED stay a separate part of you. That’s something I had the hardest time doing in the beginning of recovery, but one I’m getting better at now. It’s not easy, but making DAILY BABY STEPS really is the key to it! Great thoughts for a Thursday, and I think this was my favorite yet! Aren’t you tired of snow?:)
😆 Definitely starting to get there. I’m actually more tired of the cold, though. A couple weeks of -25C is a couple weeks too long…
What a beautiful post. You are a remarkable strong woman. I am sure you have helped many who struggle with ED’s. Keep moving forward. Be strong.
For saying you were struggling write this post, you did an excellent job writing this! I like your honesty in #2 about why you started to blog. I wouldn’t have expected it to be in a dark moment. In a way, it must have been therapuetic for you. As for #3, everyone has struggles & you’re never alone. Just remember that…
Well, despite the fact that you weren’t sure how to start the post, I think it turned out pretty darn good!
I want to focus on #3 though. I think writing about difficult topics are so important because we all struggle with difficult things in our lives. Knowing that there is someone out there who’s been through the same thing or has experienced similar things really makes such a huge difference (I know this from personal experience; although on something unrelated from an ED). We’re not alone in our struggles, whatever those struggles may be, and those are the times that we need each other the most.
I really enjoyed this post and your others from this week, whether it brings awareness to someone’s true self, someone who knows someone or just to get it more out there. you rock pretty lady <3
Fantastic post, loved it!
I’m also a girl who loves to read, my Goodreads “to read” list is ridiculous 🙂
Number 4. OMG. THIS insight changed my world SO darstically, I actually have chills now. It was a day at the lake and I thought – who the eff says that I AM bulimic??? I decide that I am NOT. Me, I decide that I WILL get ovee bingeing and that I am not a sick person anymore. This was the beginning of my recovery, I will never forget that, it was SO eye opening that I always hid behind the ‘excuse’ that I am a bulimic or anorectic girl, which legitimatized my behaviors of starving, bingeing, exercising, purging. I realized that it was in MY OWN hands to change this.
Thank you for this love!
Love it, lady 🙂 You know I think you’re amazing for all of the progress that you’ve made, and you’re right — the choice of being recovered is ours to make.
Um I’m sorry, did you say you struggled with this post? Because you nailed it, totally nailed it. Love how raw and real you were and you are such a motivation. I never struggled with an ED but I struggled with body image issues and I carried a lot of hate for my appearance for a long time. It’s people like you that are an inspiration to others!
OMG. YES YES YES. This made me totally tear up, it was so beautifully written. I’m relatively new to your blog, but I can tell you are a strong woman who loves life and everything it has to offer. 🙂 You are an inspiration to many Amanda, keep on being YOU.
Thank you for bringing NEDA to so many people’s attention. I honestly had never heard of it until I read your blog on Monday. It is so important to be educated on these topics! Your story is a beautiful one and I know there are middle and high schools girls out there who are looking up to you as a role model. You are a rockstar!
“I’m a girl who… is a whole lot more than a number on the scale, a label on a pair of jeans, a balance of macronutrients, or a certain amount of units of energy burned at the gym.” YES! Love it!! We’re all so much more than that, and it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy exercising and eating healthy along with those 2 or 3 cookies after dinner 🙂
I’m finding everyones ED-related posts so honest and inspiring. Thanks for sharing!
Awesome post as always babe.
The key here to me, is that an ED doesn’t DEFINE who you are. No one wants to be labeled, even if the label is “survivor” or “warrior”. Sometimes, especially when you are “recovered” you just want to be able to be normal. You don’t need that constant reminder of who you WERE and what you DID in the past, because that stuff doesn’t matter as much anymore. Love that you put all the things that you love to do at the end, because that stuff makes up who you are NOW, and that’s the stuff that really matters. Because your disease didn’t win. And it’s important to show that!
So very true. To be honest, I never think of myself in terms of “recovered” — I’m just Amanda and I’m living my life. It feels great to be able to say that I feel so far removed from my disorder that sometimes I don’t even remember that I overcame one. Have God to thank for that one.
I really love #4. No matter what somebody struggles with, (s)he is still a unique, knowledgeable, and beautiful individual with SO MUCH more to offer, contribute, and share. This advice can be applied to ANY struggle, disease, etc., not just EDs.
Thanks for always being so open and honest with us readers. You really are an inspiration to many. 🙂
i agree 100% with # 4. so proud of how far you have come along and helped other people in this journey. big hugs 🙂
Even though I haven’t struggled with disordered eating…I love reading yours (and others) thoughts on this topic. I think it is quickly becoming just as prevalent as obesity, and it certainly is just as unhealthy. I love that you focused on keeping your identity and not letting it define you. You are a strong woman inspiring so many people! Keep on kicking! And spooning into some almond butter 🙂
Even though I technically never had an eating disorder (though I teetered on the borderline), these posts really help me move forward and fight against thoughts that may lead to one. It warms my heart to know that the blogging community can be such a safe haven for girls struggling with ED’s among all the crap that’s out there on the internet.
I love this post. It puts into beautiful words what I always try to emphasize (sometimes successfully, sometimes not…whomp.) I started a blog for a very similar reason, even though I was still in the depths of my binge-restrict cycle. Once you break out of the disorder though, the freedom you feel and the freedom you have is indescribable and so worth all the hard work it takes to get there.
Couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂 And I remember you talking about overcoming your struggles — so glad to see that you’re in a better place now too <3
Beautiful thoughts. You are so much more than a girl with an ED … we all are! Remember that you’re also a girl who inspires so many and encourages them to lead their happiest and healthiest lives :).
This post is wonderful. I love that you don’t let your past define who you are, and instead see the things you get to do in your life now that you are on a path to healthy and well. We often forget how important fueling our bodies are for living an awesome life.
Love & Hugs 🙂
This was such a unique perspective, Amanda. I had no idea that EDs could be so far-reaching as to interrupt your reading, your skiing, etc. I didn’t even think about that. They take over so much more than people realize. All I can say is that I am so happy that you’ve come so far and are here to share your thoughts and amazing recipes with us each day. Reading your blog is a joy and a bright spot in my day.
Love this post! It is so true!! our mind is such a powerful thing, and thinking about the end goal, was the hardest part for me. Luckily I had my boyfriend, but it was hard to think about being better, about thinking that I would ever recover. It gave me so much anxiety. He was the one that told me to just focus on getting better a little at a time. Because all those little steps would eventually add up. That and he told me to focus on being active. Being active is what helped me. Because I needed to fuel my body, and I wanted to see changes for the better in my body (strength, endurance, etc). But now it is so hard to think of how I use to be. It really does seem like another person’s life, or a life time ago that it happened.
beautiful.. your words are so inspiring. the message about how we’re “struggling” with the ED really shifted my perspective with my own struggles. i love hearing about your story because it lets me know recovery IS possible!
I love that you brought up being more than an eating disorder, and more than a number on the scale. Rediscovering who I am and my passions after disordered eating stole them has been unbelievable – in the best way. Having a goal that I truly care about, and something I love to do just pushes food even farther down the list of things that matter in my life.
Annnnnd, I’m still trying to forgive you for being a snowboarder. We’re almost there – but not quite. 😉
Sorry lady, but I’ve been snowboarding more years of my life than not, so it probably isn’t going anywhere 😆