NEDA week. Thursday. Let’s do this…
1. I really struggled with today’s post (sincerest apologies to anyone who had to listen to me nag about it yesterday). Thursday posts have always been my favourite to write because they let me just talk about whatever randomness happens to be running through my head at the time… but what do you do when you promise to talk about ED-related topics and you never really think about ED-related topics? Well, I guess you talk about that…
2. I started blogging when I was in the darkest depths of my eating disorder (this was long before Spoons). I needed something that would hold me accountable and distract me from my recovery-related anxieties. Back then, every post I wrote focused on my disorder — probably because it was the most salient thing in my life. Over time, those posts became less frequent as I started feeling more and more removed from my disease. I would still write about it occasionally, but I found that it was more for my readers than it was for myself…
3. See, I wanted to help people. Not because I saw myself as an expert or because I thought I had all the answers, but because I was in that same hopeless place where I thought that I would never get better, yet by some miracle, here I am — living and loving life. I can’t necessarily tell you how it happened, because recovery is so different for everyone and I can’t even put a finger on it myself, but I can tell you to never give up hope…
Don’t write yourself off. Don’t try to define what “recovered” means. Don’t set your sights on the end goal, but instead focus on making small improvements every day. It can be overwhelming to look at how far you have to go — take baby steps and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. An eating disorder isn’t a life sentence unless you accept it as such. Your thoughts are a powerful thing…
4. … and so are your words. I never referred to myself as an anorexic — I was a girl (Amanda… hi!) who was struggling with anorexia. See the difference? The first identifies me as my eating disorder, whereas the second lets me keep my own identity and simply states that I’m dealing with a problem. What you say to yourself has a powerful effect on the way you think and act, oftentimes without you even realizing it. You can’t easily let go of something that you see as being a central part of your being, so remember — You are not your disorder; I was never mine. My disease never defined me, it simply robbed me of the things that made me me.
5. What things are those? I’m glad you asked! I’m a girl who loves to snowboard…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I a) didn’t have the strength or energy, and b) couldn’t handle being out in the cold for long periods of time without parts of me turning blue.
6. I’m a girl who loves to read…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I was in a constant brain fog and lacked the ability to focus. I would get to the end of a page in a book only to forget what I had read just seconds before.
7. I’m a girl who loves to travel…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because the anxiety of being taken away from my routine and safe foods was more than I could handle. Vacations were such a huge source of stress that I preferred to stay home.
8. I’m a girl who loves to bake…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because being around food that I wouldn’t allow myself to eat was torture.
9. I’m a girl who loves to play with makeup…
… which I could do in my ED, but I didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered to put extra time into my appearance. I didn’t think I was worth the effort.
10. I’m a girl who… is a whole lot more than a number on the scale, a label on a pair of jeans, a balance of macronutrients, or a certain amount of units of energy burned at the gym.
More places to find me!
E-mail — [email protected]
Twitter — runwithspoons
Facebook — runningwithspoons
Pinterest — runwithspoons
Instagram — runwithspoons
Bloglovin — runningwithspoons
I freakin’ love you. You already knew that, but it bears repeating.
I think this is so, so important to talk about. And I love how you focus on the fact that you had an ED, as opposed to it being your only label. In recovery, I did the ‘personification’ thing – my eating disorder became Ed, and it was something I had to separate myself from – like ending a bad relationship. It’s important to remember who we are outside of an eating disorder.
And I have Red Rising on hold at the library…but I’m like number 435263 on the list so it’ll be a little while before I get to read it…looking forward to it though!
You’re a girl who brings lots of smiles to lots of faces. 🙂
For someone who struggled with this post, you totally nailed it. I know you’re scared of helping people by divulging advice that really is so individualized, but you should know that you help people by just being yourself. You’re like a phenomenon who inspires without having to say anything inspirational but just being YOU.
I know today is gonna be a loooooong day for you (38 by 8am WHAT?!). Hope to see you in my inbox soon 🙂
Love it–for not thinking much about the topic you did a great job putting your thoughts together. I absolutely love that Henry Ford quote as I think it can apply to a lot of situations. Also love A Thousand Splendid Suns. I’m actually not much of a reader but I actually read that book and it is one of my favorites.
Right?! That book seriously gave me the chills. Have you read The Kite Runner? It’s another great one.
Awesome text, words, and heart. You are incredible!!
Thanks for being such an inspiration for so many of us!
I’m definitely not an expert on EDs but I love that you separated yourself from the disorder. You are right, you are a girl (woman!) and have so many qualities besides your experience with the disorder. And, I must say, I love you for your love of make-up and baking and running (hopefully again if it ever warms up!) and traveling and for YOU <3 xoxo
Great post, girl. It’s so important to understand the disorder doesn’t define you. I think it allows you to look at the big picture and put things in perspective. So glad you are in a good place and can now enjoy the good things in life such as playing in the snow, baking and books. 🙂
This is a really powerful post 🙂
I especially love this – ‘You can’t easily let go of something that you see as being a central part of your being, so remember — You are not your disorder’ – I think this is so important!
p.s. your traveling photos are stunning!
In love with #4. We don’t have to let our experiences define us, but instead let them make us better, more fierce livers of life. Thank you so much for this!
This is beautiful. Even in the past year I feel like I’ve seen major differences in you and it’s really nice to be at a place where you’re just living life and life is no longer consumed by the disorder. Proud of you girl! You’ve become an inspiration to SO many girls out there.
I love the way this turned out, love 🙂 I had a hard time trying to get my thoughts together on my post for today too since it had been awhile since I’ve really talked about it…which I’m taking as a good thing haha. From the moment I found your blog, your attitude of hope and positivity has been amazing to me and is one of the many reasons I find myself coming back on a daily basis; I’m incredibly happy to know that the ED didn’t take that from you…and I think that last line says it all. You are amazing <3
This is such an empowering post. Yes, everything in this post is great but you #4 just gave me goosebumps. I love how you are not letting your ED define you because there is so much to your identity than that. I don’t know you but I want to give you a hug!
Now on a lighter note, it is great to see another person who loves makeup as much as I do! Makeuo makes me happy! lol
You and a select few (like Sam) are such incredible role models in the HLB community. I love how open and authentic you are. Why are you so awesome at everything? Is your snowboard getting excited to come to Kananaskis?
Ps. I sweetened your protein granola bars with maple syrup. OMG.
It’s currently not speaking to me since I’m abandoning it for Hawaii, but I have a feeling it’ll forgive me shortly after that 😉
What a great post – I love that you didn’t let you ED define you, because you are so much more!
P.S. I’m loving your book pile! Except Shadow of the Wind. No matter how hard I try to get in to, I just can’t!
You’re spot on with #4 [and obviously all others]: Wording makes such a huge difference in my opinion. I have never referred to myself as anorexic because no matter how strongly it influenced and influences my life the disorder isn’t me. Maybe it’s odd to say it that way but choosing to call ourselves anoreic/bulimic/… seems like handing over the keys to our happiness and lives to the ED.
Even though I’m by far not recovered yet reading your posts reminds me that it’s worth to keep fighting. Thank you, Amanda – for everything!
More than worth it — you won’t even believe how much better it is on the other side 🙂
I almost don’t have any words because this is so beautifully written. My favorite sentence of yours: “I never referred to myself as an anorexic — I was a girl (Amanda… hi!) who was struggling with anorexia.” That is a wonderful way to look at it. The disorder doesn’t have to be a part of who we are; it is just something that affects us (as deeply as that may be).
This is such an inspiring and uplifting way to look at the past that ONCE consumed you. I’m a firm believer that God can bring good out of anything bad, and your joy and love of life today is proof of that 🙂
Great post! You are such a strong woman for sharing your story! I love to read and bake as well 🙂
This post is so lovely and I am truly proud of you. I am glad you are happy where you are today and I hope that everything goes as smoothly and as well. You truly deserve it.
I really love point number four. Language can be so powerful in recovery. I still remember working with my therapist on changing my language around even the smallest of things so that I gave myself and my power full credit in the process. Beautiful post, per usual!
I love this. It is so honest and REAL. It makes me really happy that you are where you are because even though I didn’t know you then, I know you now. And I love the girl who you are now.
Gushing. Right back at ya, lady <3
What a brave post Amanda! You are inspiring! As a college coach, and being an elite athlete myself, I see a lot of eating disorders daily, and it is hard to know how to handle it if you have never been around it before, but you are so right about the defining thing. I feel like I also had that problem when I went through my darkest phase when I became obsessed with running. I felt like I was the runner named Tina, rather than Tina the runner. It meant that I felt I had nothing to offer the world. It is interesting how we can let things people say (or not in your case) influence the way we see ourselves.
So glad you shared with us the things that helped you! You have so much going for you in your life, especially now with your blogging family behind you 🙂 I hope one day I can reach your status 🙂 Keep inspiring people, you may be saving lives!
Great post! I think a huge part of recovery is discovering who we really are. When I began the process, I honestly didn’t know who I was. I defined myself by accomplishments and what others thought of me. Discovering who I am and living as ME is a much happier experience. 🙂
I’ve never had one myself or been very close to anyone who did so I actually think it’s really powerful to read just how much it impacts your life beyond eating. I would have never thought of things like reading or vacations as being impacted by an ED. So glad you’re in a better place now!
I think you somehow pulled together a powerful post! See, I knew you would find the inspiration. I am so glad you are here today able to speak about your journey and recovery. You know, you really need to write a book….
Ohh that’d be a dream. Now if only I knew where to begin…
#4 is my favorite! Is a strong and powerful statement, but more than everything is the truth! we were girls struggling with eating disorders, we weren’t the disorder! Congratulation on everything you’ve accomplish! Specially, let’s be honest, since eating food is so darn good, that I wonder why did I ever eliminated it from my life? Now, I’m proud for every girl that beats this! Our worth is not defined by a number on the scale!
This post just made me more in awe of you than I already am, if that’s even possible. 😉 I don’t have any personal experience with ED and can only imagine the strength it takes to come out of it. Bravo Amanda, you’re one amazing lady!
Even though you started the post of with not knowing what to write about, it turned out amazing as always. Such an important topic and you managed to find the right words. I hope that girls who struggle with disordered eating will read your post or one of the others who link up with you an feel inspired to get better.
Just beautiful!!!!
It’s interesting that the more you got away from your ED, the less you started blogging about it and the more you started to blog about the things that are YOU. I like YOU. 🙂
I just want to hug you right now! I am so glad you are in a better place right now and that you can do all of the things you LOVE to do! I’m also glad that you high-lighted the different things that happen as a result of being underfed and underweight. I feel like a lot of women wish they could just be skinny, but there are things that happen like being cold all the time or not having enough energy that result from such low body fat.
You are amazing!! Keep writing!! <3
Ohmyword yes *applauds* *wipes away tear*
I am me. And I’ve just started to live. Reading, baking.. maybe one day I’ll ride again :). This winter I’ll be ready to embrace and enjoy the chill. I was so sure I was going to die last winter.. baby steps yes. Every little inch forward counts. Thank you Amanda <3
If I’m riding [a snowboard] again, then you’ll ride again too 🙂 All the more reason to keep fighting.
I really, really love this post. And I love that you have found your identity. I think my struggle is that because I was so young when I first had an ED (8 years old) I hadn’t yet developed my passions, hobbies or interests, so now I literally don’t know what I like. It’s a horrible place to be in, as it makes me feel as though my identity is always linked to my disorder.
Thank you x
Excellent post – I think that realizing your disorder and your identity are separate are key things. This was something I talked about in my NEDA post Tuesday (http://txa1265.wordpress.com/2014/02/25/take-care-tuesday-national-eating-disorder-awareness-week/). And where I came from a place of obesity rather than anorexia, food and eating and that control were still central to every day … until I stopped them from having that controlling power.
#4 – so completely agree with it! “What you say to yourself…” and what others say to you “.. has a powerful effect on the way you think and act, oftentimes without you even realizing it” this is my fav line for the day!
I think this whole week of posts has been awesome! I love how you said that you were not defined by your ED that you were just a girl with an ED. You can see just how far you have come since your ED and how you now inspire so many people, myself included.
Love all your hobbies and passions. I think with a lot of self love and body love issues you want to wait till you have the perfect body before living the life you truly want when you need to just do what you love and it helps you to realize how much more there is to life.
<3 <3
Amen to that, girl! Couldn’t have said it better myself <3
Bravo. Bravo, my LCP.
I still consider the text today to be absolutely golden. That one sentence in itself was what true recovery really is. Setting your sights on the end goal could easily do more harm than good- celebrate each success, pick yourself up after every set back and things will move on…up.