So I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking lately. It happens every now and then – no cause for concern. This is actually something that’s been on my mind for quite some time now, but I just really haven’t wanted to get into it because it’s not exactly the most pleasant of topics. May as well stop putting it off, though, and today seems like as good a day as any to bring it up. Why? Because it’s Tuesday [read: I have no idea].
So we all read blogs, and I can say with 99.9% certainty that we all come across certain things on those blogs that we don’t necessarily agree with. We see people undereating, and we see people overexercising. We see frighteningly thin girls doing hardcore workouts seven days a week, and we see those same frighteningly thin girls restricting “watching” their intake of carbs, sugars, and fats – oftentimes under rather questionable guises.
Hands up if you’ve ever come across someone whose cooking substitutions are just downright strange. Hands up if you’ve ever come across someone who’s cut out gluten/sugar/dairy/whatever when they didn’t have a medical condition that required that kind of elimination. Now, I know that there are plenty of instances where those claims are actually true, but I also know that for every legitimate claim, there are about ten that aren’t.
Just saying.
So we see people doing all of these disordered things while maintaining the facade that everything is fine, and we… go ahead and pretend along with them. This is where my thoughts start getting a little muddled, so bear with me. Maybe a shot of sugar will help clear my head…
Okay. So we see all these things and we know something is amiss. We want to shake these people and say: “Wake up! Can’t you see that what you’re doing is wrong?!”… but we don’t. We turn a blind eye to their obviously disordered behaviors, and the comments we leave on their posts (if we leave any at all) err on the side of politeness and propriety, and sometimes even verge into the territory of praise. Why? It’s not an easy thing to watch people engage in self-destructive behaviors, especially if they trigger disordered thoughts in our own minds, but why is it so difficult to call people on those behaviors? I have a few theories.
First, blame Bambi…
We don’t want to be a jerk, and more often than not, telling someone what they probably need to hear makes us look like one. Even when it’s put gently, the truth can be a hard pill to swallow – it’s much more pleasant to live in a world of comfortable delusion than it is to be faced with the reality that you’re doing something wrong. As such, people don’t tend to look favorably on those who call them on their bullsh*t – they prefer those who encourage and support their [bad] decisions. We want to be liked, so we smile, nod, and keep our opinions to ourselves.
Second, is it really our place to say? A blog is just a tiny piece of a blogger’s life, and using such a tiny piece to judge the entire picture is just bad practice. Yes, we can pick up on certain problems that are blatantly obvious, but most things are a lot more complicated than we could ever imagine. Unless I get to know a blogger really well and start engaging with them on a platform outside of simple blog comments, I don’t feel comfortable commenting on their eating/exercise habits. I hate it when people make assumptions about me, so I do my best to practice the same courtesy and not make any assumptions about them; and if I’m really concerned, then I’ll voice my thoughts in a personal e-mail – a comment section just doesn’t seem like the right place for that kind of discussion.
Finally, I think part of the reason we don’t say anything is that there are certain instances where we just don’t care enough to; that, and we don’t feel like our comments will make a difference anyway so we say nice things just to be liked. It sounds cruel, but let’s be honest… Yes, we form close relationships with some of the bloggers whose blogs we read, but for the handful of blends we make, the rest remain more-or-less strangers that we don’t really have any sort of emotional investment in. Would you tell a stranger you met on the street that they look too skinny or too fat? Would you comment on a random person’s choice of entree when they’re sitting at the restaurant table next to you? My guess is probably not. Furthermore, most people know they have some sort of problem, and if they’re not doing something to change it, it’s probably because they’re just not ready to – a comment from a random person on the Internet isn’t going to spur them into action, it’ll probably just make them defensive and angry – so we play nice.
Is that wrong? Is it wrong to see a problem and not speak up? I’m not quite sure. I wouldn’t exactly say that readers have any sort of responsibility when it comes to pointing out a blogger’s questionable habits – after all, the blogger has friends and family that should be playing that part – but at the same time, a gentle “what the heck are you doing to yourself?” can make a person realize that what they’re doing isn’t exactly healthy.
So I’m not sure. It’s a difficult issue to navigate, and I’d love to hear your guys’ thoughts and opinions on the matter. Should we speak up when we see a problem? Or just hold our peace?
I write, share and admit openly about my struggles with eating dis-order on my blog (but not everything) so this may be a different circumstance but I REALLY appreciate when people question me on something, call me on potential BS…etc. But I already know and admit I have issues. A hefty amount of self doubt and second thinking are healthy as my disorder deceives me sometimes. It’s nice to have friendly kicks in the azz and the occasional “Girl? Check Yo Self.”
Even when they ate not that friendly — I really appreciate them.
So – What I am saying is I think it is VITAL to try and at least delicately say something if the blogger has openly struggled in the past. Otherwise? It’s a tough call.
I really appreciate people calling me on my sh*t too, but not everyone shares that mentality and they tend to go on the defensive whenever their habits are questioned 😕
Truth!… and I for sure know I am an anomaly.
It’s all rather complicate and all -ALL- of the points you made above are valid and…the truth!
This post answers the question that many probably wonder….”Why doesn’t anyone “see” this as not good or “say something” and the truth is it IS complicated and not just that everyone who comments are just vapid.
I should mention that on record I don’t see anything worrisome in most blogs I read — but there are two or three I get worried.
I do love the praying bit mentioned above.
Wow, this is a toughie…..I know people mention these “type of bloggers,” and it seems like I just don’t follow them. I can think of one in particular who might fit this bill- but i”m not naming names- but really just that one, and I chose not to follow her “tips.” I do know this, when I first developed my ED and was very thin, a girl approached me at the gym one day during college. I had had a class with her years prior, but didn’t really know her. She said something because she had been in treatment for one. At the time, I didn’t want to see or admit to myself that I was headed down a bad road, and never thought it would become what it did. But I didn’t listen. I said thank you, but no thank you. I can’t say that affected my road to recovery, in fact things just got worse from there. But I still remember it clearly. I guess I just tend to read blogs that support ideals that I feel are healthy- moderation, balance, and strength.
Oh my goodness Amanda, this is exaccctllly what I’ve been thinking about lately! I know that many times I catch myself not wanting to assume that they’re struggling inside, simply because I don’t know them in person and I think their dedication to healthy living is awesome (from what I can see)~and other times I feel like YES, this is NOT SAFE and I want to speak up. I always want to speak up in those times, but sometimes I feel like praying for the individual is faaaaaarrr more powerful than me saying something! Because I’m sure that 100s of people have already commented, sent emails, etc. and even then they haven’t considered others’ concerns. And then there are those times when yes, we should say something but there’s a way to do it–and it should be more private, without humiliating that person. It’s a very difficult topic and I’m glad you brought it up! If someone saw things about me then I’d want them to point it out, BUT be as gentle as possible. No one likes to be corrected, but we all need it from time to time. Even God disciplines those whom He loves. 😀
Praying for them is a beautiful way to approach it, Ellie. It’s all in God’s hands anyways 🙂
Completely. If something is really, really grating, I figure I’m doing us both more harm than good by continuing to read. If something is generally okay, but like you say, recipes have excessive,bizarre substitions, I generally just don’t comment.
What I don’t like is the decisive terms people use -vegans, gluten-free, sugar-free, paleo blah blah…Healthy eating really is just making sure you get enough of what makes you feel good and avoiding too much of what doesn’t. Basically, does your diet let you ever have an odd peice of cake, without irretrievably breaking some rule or other? Because if not, it’s getting a bit unrealistic and probably more difficult to follow than it’s really worth. And it’s so frustrating to see that applauded.
LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!
It’s an interesting debate. In real life I’m a bull in a china shop when it comes to tact. I’m one of those overly honest people that blurts out thoughts that would be better kept to myself. So consequently, I say nothing to people I don’t know anymore. It’s much too easy to offend when you don’t mean to and really, at the end of the day, people don’t like being judged. Whilst I’m sure emails and comments are made in good faith and borne out of concern, they can be construed as assuptive and I work on the policy that if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, don’t say it in writing.
But communicating over a medium like the Internet doesn’t allow you to say something to someone’s face 😛 But you’re right… a lot of things can be misinterpreted when you aren’t there actually talking to a person.
Beautifully written! I wrote a post about body image the other day and I feel like this topic has been coming up a lot lately. We can’t change everyone, but I agree, it’s important to keep an eye out for disordered behaviors. I’m by no means a health or fitness expert and I have a TON to learn, but I do know enough to know when someone is doing too much or too little. Great post! (And I’m not saying that just to be nice 😉 )
I try to be extremely honest with myself when I’m posting because I know it can trigger a random blogger who happens to stumble upon my site. I will call myself out on how disordered and weird my eating style is at the moment. I would LOVE to take part in WIAW but I just cannot because I know the things I eat should not be a “model” for someone else. It’s an odd mindset when you know what you’re doing wrong and do not fix it. It’s the biggest issue with disordered eating… To make the change yourself. And you’re absolutely right, complete strangers commenting on a post will not make the individual change. Also, it can trigger certain things but I believe the “wake-up call” comments are needed sometimes because EDs do throw a blanket over your eyes.
This is a really great post Amanda!! You raised so many good points. I have mixed feelings about whether or not us readers should speak up or not when we see a problem. On one hand, I think it is not our place to judge, because like you said, we don’t see the whole picture. We only see what the blogger wants to show us. Also, if we don’t like what we see on a blog because we see it as disordered or triggering, we can just stop reading it. No one is forcing us to read blogs.
On the other hand though, I know for a fact that a lot of readers (like myself) have suffered/are suffering from an ED. When you are in recovery, it is very easy to be triggered by the blogs we read. Since the bloggers know that their readers have issues with food, I think they have at least a little bit of responsibility, and they should be careful of what they write. In my case, even though I know some blogs are disordered and triggering, I have some weird fascination with them. I can’t stop reading them even though I know they are a bad influence. And I let them influence me and my choices, even though I know it’s wrong. But I am just not strong enough.
Oh how I wish that more bloggers would realize what kind of effect they have on their readers. If you’re putting your life out there for the public to see, you need to be aware of the fact that you DO have an influence on people, whether you realize it or not. The sad thing is that a lot of people who display disordered habits don’t even see them as disordered, and thus don’t see themselves as a negative influence 😕
So…to quote you on my post today: “You’ve proven that it’s clearly possible to fall more in love with someone” 😉 — right back at you!
I’ve discussed before how I feel about bloggers who portray some clearly unhealthy lifestyles as normal and healthy. While I may comment about it on my blog (and do a vlog on it, apparently) and talk about it in private conversations with people, I do have trouble approaching people with my concerns.
Yes, I do want to be liked and don’t want to rub people the wrong way, but really, it’s just hard to approach someone in this forum. For one thing, I see a lot of bloggers just refuse to publish comments or immediately delete any that question their lifestyle. It’s easy to shrug of the people that question them as “haterz” and take a “you don’t know me!'” sort of approach. It leaves me in a weird situation where I don’t know if there’s any point bringing it up to them at all.
I’m in the same boat – I just don’t see any benefit to bringing things to their attention, since most of the time they’re not willing to accept it. I’d definitely never turn away anyone who was looking for help or support, but I’m not going to try to force it on them if they’re not interested.
As usual such a great and well thought out post. I have actually come into this a lot in the last two months, I’m not sure if I started to read a lot more blogs or just read more closely. I don’t know-I don’t feel like it’s my place in a public forum to call them out because like you said, would it really be beneficial for anyone? Would they listen to me? The bloggers I feel most comfortable talking to are (normally) ones I’ve met in real life in have deeper connections with. And I have talked to them.
It isn’t like any blogger protreys their exact life either. Some one may just be showing a little bit of what they eat. And also some are so unaware of what they are doing. I’ve sent an objective email before stating something along the lines of I’m a bit worried about you…x,y,z…was it my place? maybe…maybe not. But they were so unaware of what was going on, they didn’t want to believe me. I guess as you said I often feel like sending an email is great and I’d love if it worked but I think it’s so hard when you all you see is a bit of piece of their life.
Fab , thought provoking post, per usual. I agree with it all :).
‘ Would you go up to a stranger in the street and tell them they look too skinny or fat?’… A certain chick in Starbucks should maybe read this & take note.
Xxx
I don’t find myself reading many blogs where the blogger is doing anything excessively unhealthy. I tend to stick to running blogs, everyday blogs, and vegan/good looking food blogs. I have noticed some blogs that fit these descriptions, but I don’t comment or put my two sense in. I also don’t find myself coming back for more to read. I don’t feel it’s my place at all in most situations to comment on how they eat or move. I think you said it perfectly, we don’t know the rest of their life, we don’t know what they do and don’t do. I’d rather not stir the pot without all the facts. It’s a tough one, but I think that if you feel the need to speak up doing so in an e-mail is perfect!
Like many of the other commenters, this is something I think about a lot in relation to healthy living blogs and the HLB community in general. I really think you hit on something important in saying this: “Would you tell a stranger you met on the street that they look too skinny or too fat? Would you comment on a random person’s choice of entree when they’re sitting at the restaurant table next to you? My guess is probably not.” Ultimately, I think that’s what it comes down to. I think people in general–not just bloggers–have a hard time realizing that the Internet is the real world. We talk about it like it’s not–“Oh, I only know her through her blog. We’ve never met IN REAL LIFE.”–but the thing is, this is real life. The people who post things on blogs are real people with real feelings and real problems and real emotions, and just because you can’t see a person’s face when you’re on the Internet doesn’t make it okay to treat them in a way you would never dream of treating a person “in real life.” By that same token, being behind a computer screen doesn’t give you an excuse to not confront someone the way you WOULD confront them in real life if you thought they had a problem. If one of my closest friends seemed to have a problem, as her friend, I would feel responsible for mentioning it and encouraging her to seek help in whatever way possible. It wouldn’t be okay for me to sit back and assume someone else was going to deal with it, because if everyone thinks that, no one does anything.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is that if you see a blogger that you do consider yourself to be close to, someone that’s important to you not just from a oh-I-like-her-blog place but from a I-care-about-her-as-a-person place, then you should do what you can to guide that person towards help. If it’s someone you barely know–the theoretical person next to you at the restaurant with the questionable entree–that’s a different story.
The degree of relationship definitely seems to be the deal-breaker in this case. I consider blends real-life friends, but until I’ve known them and read their blogs for a little while, I don’t feel comfortable offering them any advice.
‘Would you tell a stranger you met on the street that they look too skinny or too fat? Would you comment on a random person’s choice of entree when they’re sitting at the restaurant table next to you? My guess is probably not. ‘
The problem with this idea is that strangers are not projecting an image of themselves and their lives towards potentially vulnerable people. Strangers do not have a blog that, sometimes by implication, covers their state of emotional wellbeing and lifestyle, to the point whereby it suggsests very strongly that they are not damaging themselves, they are not disordered, and in fact they are impossibly thin, lean, muscular people who do not have to sacrifice their health to be that way. The truth suggests quite the contrary. Readers ARE responsible for the blogs they choose to follow but there is a compulsive element in reading blogs, particularly those we know are not good for our mental health but cannot stop using as an excuse to beat ourselves up for being big, fat failures by comparison (not that I know anything about that, of course…)
I find it ironic and intensely uncomfortable when posts like this are written and some of the responses are from the very bloggers guilty of some of the self-harming aspects you’re pointing out (just saying…) Awkward, much?
I think this is a very well written post but at the same time I think perhaps you have a few blind spots simply because you are too nice. I’m not, on the other hand – I will state my opinion in the comments section if I think someone is lying through their teeth. Half the time it will not get published. However, readers need to know that there are voices of dissent out there. If there are no negative comments, then readers will believe everyone endorses what ‘the Blogger’ is doing and private e-mails may be more sensitive but they do nothing to question the damaging image these bloggers project of themselves.
People need to learn that they cannot be some kind of health/fitness guru while clearly looking neither healthy nor fit. I have no problem if people acknowledge their behaviours (Hell, I’m no model of health and I accept my ‘disordered’ habits, but I’m not going to change the ones I see as positive) but constantly posting about one thing and then continuing with the same old habits, the juxtaposition sometimes evident within a single post? I’m never going to shut up about that, because it is absolutely infuriating. My remarks don’t come from a place of care for the blogger, they derive from caring more for the readers that said bloggers blatantly do not give a sh*t about so long as they can Instagram themselves all day and ‘sweat pink’ or whatever the Hell it is they do.
Oh, and if Thumper was real I think I’d have to run him over, despite being vegan. That obnoxious rabbit deserves to die 😛
ಠ▃ಠ
Please don’t kill Thumper. 0_o
Perhaps I have found my true calling as a future Disney villain 😛
“I find it ironic and intensely uncomfortable when posts like this are written and some of the responses are from the very bloggers guilty of some of the self-harming aspects you’re pointing out” <-- This. And that's all I'm going to say about that. And you're right. A big problem with blogging is that anyone can be a blogger - no credentials, expertise, or real knowledge needed. I can handle someone struggling if they own up to it. I can't handle the people who pretend to be fine when they're clearly not.
“I find it ironic and intensely uncomfortable when posts like this are written and some of the responses are from the very bloggers guilty of some of the self-harming aspects you’re pointing out.” <– This x 2.
I was JUST thinking THE EXACT same thing!!!
Yes!!!!! I love that you pointed this out. Most of the bloggers that have commented on this post are guilty of the exact things that they are commenting about and what this post is about. I’m so happy someone finally said something.
Very interesting food for thought. It can be pretty tough, even outside of the blog world, to call someone on something that person is doing wrong. It takes guts, but if it’s something that’s truly harming a person, I think it could be worth it to speak up.
Now this is something I’ve been wondering about for awhile. And I have yet to come to any conclusion ha. I think if I’ve been getting to a know blogger for a little and have some concerns after doing so, I might address them in an email. Comments seem too impersonal to me for something like that. I make sure that I have specific reasons for my concerns, too, so that when they ask why I’m concerned, I can specifically show them/reminder them what has raised some red flags/questions. I agree with you 100% about the fact that if they aren’t ready to hear it/make the changes, any concern you raise isn’t going to be well received. It makes me sad, but there’s nothing you or I can do if that’s the case. Hard but also important to keep in mind so that you don’t blame yourself and get on an unhealthy/safe path yourself.
as usual, you touch on everything i’m thinking recently in your post. i agree with you completely on seeing things and not know what the right way to say something is, or even if saying something at all will help. i’m trying to think back to the times where i felt most “disordered” or out of whack and what really helped me was realizing that i was missing out on the stuff that life is about. lots of people tried to say things to me but didn’t know how and all that did was make me really defensive. so i also don’t say anything…i read in silence. lots of times i don’t read at all because it either triggers me a little to see it or it downright pisses me off. oh, you’re confused as to why you’re tired or hurt all the time? maybe it’s because your calorie intake is dwarfed by the amount you burn on 12 mile unnecessary runs. i don’t know how to say that politely, so i just don’t say anything at all. and yet i remain frustrated and worried because believe it or not, i CARE a lot about these blends i’ve made and when i see them in these (what i view as) destructive patterns, it worries me to no end. blah. confused.
I know what you mean. You could always try to drop small, helpful ‘hints’, like… maybe you could try having a snack, or maybe you could try resting a bit… If that doesn’t take, then all you can really do is be there to give support and advice when they ask for it.
Wow you really took the words out of my mouth with this post. I always debate writing posts on this subject but you have such a way with words and expressed my thoughts so thoroughly that I don’t think I even have to! I’ll just refer people to this post lol! Anyways I completely agree with everything you’ve said here….and I am in the same boat as you with not knowing how much or how little to say. You are so right that blogging only gives us slight insight into a persons life and that I wouldn’t want Someone judging me based on what I share on my blog….but sometimes it is just SO CLEAR that someone is self harming and unhealthy. But again is it really our place to comment? You would hope that if its that obvious through the Internet that someone in their personal life would be aware as well. But I guess you never really know! One thing I don’t like is how defensive some people get when you make a comment that is thoughtful and constructive, and yet they act like you verbally attacked them! It’s one thing if ur being flat out rude but being respectful in a comment shouldn’t be met with such anger!
Anyways, amazing post! You are a fantastic writer and have a wonderful expressive voice.
Yeah people tend to get super defensive… no one likes to hear that they’re doing something wrong 😕
Great post! I know this isn’t the right approach, but when I see “disordered” behavior on a blog, I tend to not read it. Part of me knows (as a fellow blogger) that what we see is just a small glimpse into the person’s life (as you mentioned). And the other part of me sees what happens to people when they do try to make a constructive comment – all kinds of craziness ensues. I just hope and pray that someone in that person’s life does something if needed (a parent, sibling or close friend). But I honestly think you’ve touched on a very pertinent topic, as from what I’ve been seeing lately, there are more “disordered” bloggers out there than not.
I actually think that’s one of the best approaches. If I see a blogger regularly displaying behaviors that I don’t agree with, I don’t read. I know none of my comments will make any difference, and you’re right… it only results in all sorts of craziness.
You have just said exactly what I’ve been wanting to say for sometime…and I definitely could not say it as well as you have! So thankyou <3 I've actually been texting with a fellow blogger friend of mine who I am best friends with in real life about this very thing because we can both understand the topic I suppose. Now if I saw anything on her blog, of course I would say something because I also know her history, her life currently and things that are going on that might affect how she's living. That saying, I also know from her blog that it doesn't show the full picture because I've seen how she lives and I think that's true with a lot of blogs, like mine. I don't show 90% of what I eat and 90% of how I exercise and live everyday because well..I'm just too busy getting on with life! So if someone jumped down my throat at how they *thought* I was living then I would have a lot to say back because I know I am healthy, I eat what I want, when I want and don't consider my behaviours disordered and neither do any of the *normal* people I hang around everyday with!
When it comes to blogs that are obviously disordered or doing things that just aren't helping themselves…well if they continue to bother me over a long period of time, I will simply stop reading. There are few blogs like that right that now for me..they used to be good but then they've changed and become quite disordered and I feel sad for them because they think that they're becoming a better person when in fact they are only blind to the fact that they are denying themselves of really living. I want to say something but I guess I'm scared to be that person that they have a go at, given my history of an ED anyway, even if they know I am right…
I think one of the main reasons that some people tend to leave negative comments on the limited info they see on blogs is because they’re projecting their own problems onto the blogger. If they have a problem with something like undereating or being afraid of certain foods, seeing a blogger do anything remotely close to that will raise a huge red flag in their minds. I know that when I was deeper in my disorder, I used to see problems EVERYWHERE, but now that my mindset is a lot healthier, how others eat doesn’t really bother me.
Personally, it pisses me off when I come across bloggers who are like the ones you describe. I feel like if you are going to publicly blog about your life, especially in a”healthy living” community, you have an obligation to do so in a healthy manner. Making your blog public opens it up to any and everyone who can search on the internet. We often hear celebrities say they don’t want to be role models but the truth is, when you are putting yourself out there for everyone to know you, there is little choice in the matter. Sure, we should think before we speak but people should also think before they they post publish.
Personally, I just don’t follow bloggers who I feel are not authentic and actually leading a healthy lifestyle. I read blogs for health info and entertainment and when I get irritated reading one, I just choose to not check back in with that person.
Very true, Suzanne! And I’m totally feeling your frustration. The problem with the blogging community is that any old person can start a blog… they don’t need credentials, knowledge, or expertise… they just sign up with WordPress or Blogger and poof – they can share their life with anyone who will listen. Readers definitely need to be aware that what they see on blogs isn’t the be-all-end-all, but unfortunately a lot of readers themselves are kind of lost when it comes to what makes a healthy lifestyle 😕
What a very interesting and thought-provoking post! I think it certainly depends on the blogger with who one is talking about in regards to whether you should “speak up.” We each develop more personal relationships with some bloggers than others, so being open and honest with the bloggers that we are closer to would prove to be easier. It is also important to keep in mind the personality of the blogger. Some bloggers are more open to advice/constructive criticism than others, and some may take a personal concern as an attack. Therefore, I think that how one approaches this type of situation depends largely on who the subject at hand is.
Did that make any sense at all??….who knows! 😉
THIS! omg. so true.
This is EXACTLY what’s going through my mind when I read or come past several blogs !! Just a couple of months ago I approached a colleague on that (that I get along really well with!). We talked, she told me about her workouts (I cannot miss a workout, I’d blow up etc) and her eating habits (I just can’t have that chocolate, I step on the scale at least twice a day and I think about the amount of food I eat – to sum up her comments- ). And in my mind a little siren went off. If you’ve experienced disordered thinking (I had it around six ears ago), you recognise those little thoughts when you come across them again. I gently reminded her that this is not healthy thinking, that I know what I am talking about, that I am there for her and – even though she might not believe it right now – those thoughts will disappear and it IS possible to eat food, enjoy chocolate, enjoy exercise and rest and not judge oneself. She was not offended and I hope it has helped her.
I think especially because the blogsphere is such an anonymous space, it’s a lot harder to approach the person in a manner that’s best for them ??
You’re right, girl! It’s a lot harder to comment on a blogger’s life because of the anonymity involved. Friends/colleagues that we can talk to face to face are one thing, but offering advice as a mysterious voice behind a computer screen? Usually doesn’t go over so well…
That is definitely a fine line that all active bloggers have to walk. How much is saying too much? How much is saying not enough? I think you made some incredible points and really opened up my mind to a lot of “unhealthy” blogs and how to comment on them.
Im not really the kind of person to speak up when it comes to other peolples blogs…we read their blogs because we like them, all for diff reasons so if we dont like something then I dont think its really our part to say…IF it was me I would prob keep my thoughts to myself 🙂 Giving tips here and there I beliecve is OK…I think it just depends on the topic also!
AWESOME post Amanda! You are so right! I keep gravitating towards certain blogs wanting to see them change, but it sadly never happens. It’s a very tough topic to cover, because as bloggers we also control what we want others to see, we could be living completely different and no one would have any clue. People could always say they are exercising x amount and not, or the same with eating. But, I do think bloggers do have to be semi appropriate about what they post, like not influencing people to eat low calorie amounts and exercising hours a day. I also hate when people post their calorie burns on HR monitors, I guess it’s because its a trigger for me, ah tough thinking. And now I’ve just rambled forever;)
Ohhh man. Don’t even get me started on the recent explosion of HR monitor pictures. That’s been something that’s been driving me insane for a while now. Ain’t no one need to see that sh*t!
This reminded me so much of Alex and Chelsie’s post today. I think you said it SO WELL. It’s really hard to separate what’s appropriate and what isn’t and where that line lies. I definitely have gotten to the point where i read some blogs and roll my eyes. I can’t do anything about it because a lot of times, that concern you express just fuels it even more. I don’t agree with a lot of the fads bloggers follow. I’m openly against them. It’s so awkward to approach people about that sort of thing but the fact of the matter is, a lot of bloggers have been in those shoes and can see right through the b.s for lack of a better term. You hit the nail on the head.
Amanda this really is a great post and something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Whether we’d like to admit it or not when we read blogs everyday they become our norm. So it’s scary to me to think that someone may be reading some of these blogs and thinking that working out 7 days a week or counting calories even though you are underweight or within a healthy weight is totally normal. I also have to agree with on the question of when it is appropriate to voice your opinion. Some blogs I have just stopped reading because I didn’t necessarily agree with the way they were going about things but at the same time I do feel bad to judge because it is virtually impossible to really know what’s going on. Bottom line it’s definitely an uncomfortable topic for many and one with a lot of grey area but I think it is so awesome that you are addressing it! Well done 🙂
“when we read blogs everyday they become our norm” <-- absolutely love that, Danielle! So, SO true. The HLB community is completely different from the real world, and when we spend such a long time reading blogs, we tend to forget that the majority of people don't live that way.
A very tough and very timely topic. The world of “healthy living” blogs has been in a downward spiral for a while now, and people are finally starting to open their eyes and speak up about it. What bothers is me the most is when someone who is clearly disordered makes claims to be an “expert” or a “coach” for others. It is blatant negligence and completely unacceptable. Those are the people who can and should be “called out,” though most of them (and their readers) are so brainwashed that it does little good. I do think it’s important for readers to realize that the behavior is NOT healthy and shouldn’t be emulated, even if the person who’s writing isn’t at a place yet to see it in herself.
Ah, yes, such a difficult topic. Thanks for bringing it up, Amanda!
At times I wish I could just stop reading these peoples’ blogs and that’s what I actually do every now and then. But if I like the bloggers in question as they seem to be kind and interesting persons I keep reading for that reason.
Families definitely have a closer connection to these persons but at times I find outside comments can be a good nudge to wake up and see what I’m doing. Anonymus comments on a bloggers eating or exercising habits certainly are more hurt- then helpful. But if true concern is voiced in a friendly way – and, like you said, in a personal e-mail rather than the comment section – I do find it helpful. Being called out in public/internet-wise: in the comments can make one – including myself here – block off and be hurt. Helping and supporting each other is one of the benefits I find in blogging.
What kept me back from mailing others so far was that I’m not recovered myself yet. But that’s what could actually be helpful because it mean I’m not pretending I knew it all. Rather than that I find it helpful to not only point out the other persons “problems” but at the same time admit to mine. Just yesterday I was talking to a blogger friend (um, blend, right :)?) about our issues with eating and we were making suggestions to each other on how to change things. It’s this mutual support that I think can help.
Phew, sorry for my blabbering. Now mail me some of those mint chipits, okay?
Ugh. Anonymous comments are the worst. I can’t even begin to try and understand why people won’t own up to their opinions and hide behind anonymity instead – comments like those definitely aren’t made with good intentions in mind. And I don’t think you have to be fully recovered and perfect to contact someone who is struggling at all! Like you said, it’s the mutual support that can end up being so valuable.
It is really difficult. I myself notice some things from time to time, but very rarely say anything. The only times I have said anything at all is when I personally know the person. But you are right, a blog is only a teeny tiney part of a person and obviously they do not share everything.
I think an email would suffice. Usually when one puts a “pointing things out” comment on a person’s blog it gets blown out of proportion. But even with an email – all the person would have to do is click delete and boom comment gone.
did you read my email? because you just basically wrote the post I wanted to write but had no idea how to say it. I couldn’t agree more to all of these. yes i look I read I literally hate some things I see. Yet is it my place? do I even have the justification to give my opinion? call it out? I think sometimes you want to just let it be, let them play their facade game. I have taken the approach where they need to learn their own lesson, heck when I was my sickest no matter what people said it would spur me on. it wasn’t until I cracked that i realized how freaking sick I was. it is hard to stomach though, I struggle to hold back my thoughts and put on that face when in reality I don’t want to. I want to call them out, i want to help them. Uck sticky ground. Yucky sticky ground
I remember being completely immune to the opinions of others when I was at my sickest too. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t ready to get better. That’s why I think it’s pretty useless to start sh*t when it won’e make a difference in the long run either. You can’t force help onto someone – just be there for them if they come to you for support/advice.
I absolutely love you. I think this is a tough topic because on one hand you see someone hurting themselves, and on the other– like you pointed out– it’s not really your place to say anything. I look at some bloggers and wonder how they’re still breathing because some of the stuff they push their bodies to do is just crazy to me. I know I’ve had my fair share of crazy days.. but honestly looking at it… a 4 mile run 2x a week isn’t that bad. Especially when some people do 20+ lol But it was bad for my body, so now I just know to keep my mileage down. I think with women the main thing I’ve seen– and I’ve gone through it too– is the missing period. That’s a HUGE thing when it comes to being healthy, and although I only lost mine for 3 months (which was normal according to my Doctor), it killed me.. I hated it. And I sometimes I just wanna shake some girls who question why they still don’t have it when they’re working out like crazy people. It’s definitely a tough situation, especially when people start eliminating stuff. Some Doctors (like mine) suggest it — but that’s if you go to a doctor lol for me, I’ve always had a dairy thing (I was a soy milk baby lol), and bananas/avocados give me hives lol but that doesn’t mean what my body likes and doesn’t like will work for others.
I couldn’t agree more – I look at some bloggers and wonder how the heck they do it, and definitely question whether they’re as happy as they pretend to be. The missing period thing seems to be a huge problem in the HLB community, and there are a lot of women who aren’t willing to do anything about it… they don’t think it’s a big deal, and don’t realize how damaging it is to their bodies in the long run 🙁
I couldn’t agree more with your stance! There are some bloggers who are clearly disordered yet I am more amazed by the comments she receive, which only encourage her behaviour. At the same time I don’t think a comments session is the place to call someone out- it’s hurtful, embarrassing and immature. Getting in touch with the blogger privately shows a genuine sense of concern and may actually hit a note with the blogger in a way that doesn’t come across as accusational. For those bloggers who do show disordered behaviour but I don’t feel like I “know” them well enough, I would either stop reading or take it with a pinch of salt- blogs only paint part of the picture and it’s not fair to blindly call someone out.
Also while it can be argued that portraying disordered behaviour as “normal” is not fair to readers, I definitely think we as readers need to take responsibility too. While blogs are great for so many reasons, individual bloggers shouldn’t be a benchmark for anyone but themselves.
Really great, thought-provoking post, Amanda!
Great post, Khushboo! People definitely shouldn’t base their views on what makes a healthy life solely on what they find on blogs, but the unfortunate reality is that a lot of people DO. There are so many young and impressionable girls out there who are lost when it comes to how to eat/exercise, so they turn to blogs for an example… and it becomes a big problem when the blogs they turn to portray disordered behaviour as healthy.
That’s really a difficult topic which I already spent quite some time thinking about. Usually when I stumble about a blog which promotes eating or exercise habits that I consider being disordered or the person blogging is scarily skinny and still seems to follow some kind of diet, I just close it and never come again. I know that it would be probably better to give her a hint (I am talking female here, since I never stumbled over a male example of the case). I know that someone should make her realize how wrong she treats herself. But then I am kind of egoistic in thinking that I want to avoid such topics and not get to deep in those struggles I fought myself a while ago. Guess it would be different if I knew the blogger for a while and the disordered eating suddenly comes up. It would still be a difficult topic to talk about, since nobody is perfect and definitely not me… but yeah, I might say something in this case.
Hard question. I can only speak for my part. I would only approach a blogger with my thoughts when I know him/her closer. I think it would appear assumptive if I just shout my opinion in that public space, without anyone asking me for it. All of us are ‘grown-up’ persons and decide ourselves how to live our life and if and how we want to write about it. If the person is asking specific thoughts of her readers, or is outing her fears/insecureness etc. and needs help, then YES. As for me – I know that I am disordered and I hope that it comes across in my blog that I am aware of it and working on it. I never want to inspire somebody with disordered behavior. But I am definitely not YET a very good example, but I am not ‘advertising’ myself like this either. This – ‘ it’s much more pleasant to live in a world of comfortable delusion than it is to be faced with the reality that you’re doing something wrong’ – might be true for some, not for me. I want to know the truth, no matter how hard it is, because in the end it is less hard then when you find out the truth after living in delusion. I had this experience in a vary sad story and I would have been much happier if I’d known the truth right away. If you know the truth you get at least a chance to face it an doing something about it – if it is possible.
But you ARE a good example, Lucie, for all of the reasons that you mentioned. You’re open and honest, and what’s more important, you’re fighting to get healthier. If that’s not a good example, then I don’t know what is.
Good topic – definitely deserves attention. I suppose the “we” depends on the “whom.” I know it would not be so great for me to let someone know I think they’ve crossed the line because I follow Thumper’s wisdom and because I’m pretty non-confrontational. However, perhaps someone else is more inclined to speak up and is also be more inclined to not feel guilty for doing so. I see what you’re saying though, and there’s no easy answer.
Thank you Amanda for your great post. I think you’re totally right and it’s good that you dare talking about it.
I must admit that I am trapped too… And I came to a sort of conclusion – not a real conclusion because it’s more an excuse than something that comes from a real inner debate : “you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped”. It’s cruel, I know…
Admitting that the blogger and most of his/her readers have “a problem”, it probably won’t change anything – as you already said – to mention what no one wants to know. It might even be worse… ?
Sometimes I feel that people get frustrated and so they stay with the ones “in the same camp” (let’s roughly say health blog community VS GOMI community), which is a little bit sad, isn’t it?
Maybe there’s something to do in joining these people on a third, “neutral” platform… Will come who wants too…
It’s not cruel at all, Karine – you definitely can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and if you try, you’ll probably just end up worse off for all your trouble.
This is a great post and definitely raises a question with no clear right or wrong answer. I guess I feel like the time to speak up is when you have a genuine and respectful relationship with the person. I would never cross my boundaries with someone the first time I read their blog and say, you should eat more, or exercise less. But if I know them, and know that they would appreciate where I am coming from, then I might personally talk to them about it!
That’s exactly how I feel about it, Kate. Honestly, if I was reading someone’s blog for the first time and came across a bunch of things that I didn’t agree with, I would probably just stop reading.