I’ve been keeping things pretty light around these parts lately, and it’s not because I have nothing serious to talk about, but because I can’t make sense of the more serious topics that I do want to talk about. Remember how I mentioned that I wanted to write a post addressing my thoughts on “constantly feeling like I have to be on guard with diet and exercise to make sure that people don’t think I’m falling back into old habits“? That was last Monday, and to be honest, I’m no closer to figuring out what I want to say about the subject now than I was back then. Sigh.
But enough is enough. Having this float around in my head is starting to drive me crazy, so it’s time to sit down and get ‘er done… or out, as it were. Apologies in advance if this makes little to no sense – I’m just going to type the words as they come and worry about the coherence factor later. Or never. Here we go…
I realize that my blog doesn’t exactly make my eating habits out to be all that clean…
I eat a quite lot of sugar (the good and not-so-good kind)…
I don’t always eat my veggies…
Breakfast for dinner, anyone?
I eat processed foods on occasion…
I treat myself on a daily basis…
And I don’t sweat every day; unless it happens to be really hot, which it hasn’t been in quite a while.
Needless to say, I’m definitely not a poster child for a clean and healthy lifestyle. But I’m okay with that. Why? Because I was probably the unhealthiest that I’ve ever been back in the day where I was a healthy living poster child. It didn’t matter that I was eating plenty of veggies. It didn’t matter that I never touched process foods. It didn’t matter that I avoided white sugar and flour. It didn’t matter that I was going to the gym 5 or 6 days a week. All of that meant nothing because my mind was in a bad place and that one thing seemed to negate all of the other “positive” things I was doing. It wasn’t until I eased up on my restrictive, obsessive, “must eat 100% clean, 100% of the time” mentality that I started to feel (and look) better.
But the thing is…. my eating and exercise habits aren’t even that bad – they’re actually quite good – I just feel like I have to highlight the not-so-healthy aspects of them to prove that I’m healthy. I mean, what would people think if I told them I just snacked on an apple? And heaven forbid all I wanted was a salad… Those are the kind of things that you only do within the confines of your own home.
So I share my more interesting eats…
… while keeping the healthier ones hidden…
But it’s starting to feel fake. I’m tired of constantly feeling like I have to project a certain image, and I’m tired of seeing healthy as something negative – these days it almost feels like the healthier you try to be physically, the unhealthier you must be mentally. Maybe it’s all in my head (a lot of it probably is), but I feel like I have to go out of my way to bring attention to my unhealthier habits just so people don’t assume that I’m going back to my “health”-obsessed bad habits. The constant vigilance is starting to take its toll though. Heck, I don’t even feel like I’m allowed to talk about healthy eating and exercise because of the negative connotation those things have in my mind, much less do those things myself.
Feeling guilty for wanting to be healthy? Strange, I know.
It’s a mindset I really need to get over. Yes, healthy habits are often taken to the extreme, thus becoming unhealthy habits, but there’s nothing wrong with the habits themselves – it’s the mindset behind them that matters. It’s like when a guy buys a girl flowers – the act itself is sweet, but if he’s only doing it for a better shot at getting into her pants well then… no longer so sweet. But I digress.
The point is, I developed quite a nasty bias against the whole idea of healthy living as a result of my eating disorder, which caused me to slingshot in the opposite direction in my recovery. I need to work on finding that balance, that middle ground. I’ve always had a passion for health and fitness, and I miss being able to engage in those things without second guessing myself or feeling guilty…
. – . – . – .
Can anyone relate to my bias and/or guilt?
Bloggers, do you feel like you need to be careful when it comes to how you project yourself?
Can I just mention something else I adore about your blog??? The comments! I think your posts (like this one) are consistently thought-provoking and wonderful, but I also really enjoy reading the comments left by others. You have a really good community going here xx
Engaging with readers is definitely my favorite part of blogging <3
I relate to this so much! I struggle with posting certain things on my blog, from raw desserts to simple salads or talking about struggles I still have versus something I’ve conquered lately. I feel like if I go one way, posting my cleanest eats, everyone thinks I’m restrictive and obsessive but if I go the other way and post about how well I’m doing with not being so strict with myself, then everyone will think I’m fine and never have any struggles anymore. It’s such a fine balance, and I’m not sure anyone can get it quite right! But for the record, I never for one second questioned your lack of veggies in your posts. I just figured you wanted to show the more fun, drool-worthy pics, like I usually tend to do too! But at the same time, I appreciate you posting the treats and so-called junk food because it shows that there can be a balance between whole foods and processed foods in a healthy diet! A lot of bloggers (me included, let’s be honest) tend to show just one side of healthy living, the clean eating side, and it can make it seem like you have to eat that way to be an HLB. But if that’s not what works for you, then you shouldn’t feel bad for eating the way that does.
you are so right, the more we focus on being healthy, the more UNHEALTHY our minds come. But that’s only is we focus MORE, not just enough. Hmm, do i make sense? I think you are healthy enough. Which is the perfect way to be.. mentally. Yes?
Hi! I am a a new reader to your blog and I must say I really like all your posts and they are inspiring! I can totally relate. Sometimes I feel like I need to eat fast food just to prove that I am recovering from my ED but I never actually liked fast food before my ED anyways. I think there is nothing wrong or unhealthy about wanting to live a health lifestyle- most of us want to live a long and happy life and a healthy body is the foundation of that goal, as long as we are not obsessed with it. We can eat all the fruits and veggies we want but also not to feel guilty about the chips/ice creams/desserts.
There’s definitely nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy… as long as we don’t take it too far. I think part of the reason that I became so biased against all things “healthy” was because my own ED started out as an innocent desire to clean up my diet a little and try to get healthier. Everything seemed so good at first, but it quickly spiralled out of control and led me to a really bad place.
As always, wonderful post love! I just want you to know that it’s okay to be YOU! You are such a beautiful person, that if anyone has anything negative towards you, or feels a certain way, it doesn’t even matter because honestly they are just crazy. You need to eat how you want, not what you think others want to see. If that’s healthy, great, if it’s processed food, then great. You’ll find your balance girl <3
Love this post! I just got back from a vacation that consisted of no working out-minus one day of yoga that was purely for my mental health, and all treat foods, non healthy dinners, and lots of beer. I can eat some more veggies this week but shouldn’t feel guilty!! A one week break out of the year of no running and funnel cake and pizza won’t kill me. My clothes still fit and I felt happy.
Totally with you on the health-guilt! Because of the nature of my blog, I don’t like posting things that people would think of as low calorie or diet food. I always feel like I have to show everyone the froyo and chocolate so that they will see I’m doing well and I hope it inspires them to step out of their comfort zones just like I am doing.
I have totally changed the way I think of healthy food now. Now I think that most things are healthy in moderation. Butter? Go for it! Ice cream? Don’t live your life without it! The things I am trying to eliminate from my diet the most are the low-cal “extras” like gum, diet pop and sugar-free food. That stuff is a carry-over from my ED days that I don’t need anymore!
I think salads are sexy and asparagus is phallic for a reason. Healthy eating can be HOT with a capital H. O. T. so long as it’s truly healthy and balanced eating. You can eat your veggies and have a slice of cake too. In fact, I’d love to see more veggies, preferably sautéed in oil and sprinkled liberally with cheese.
it’s such an interesting point. i could sit here and say of course we wouldn’t judge if you said you only ate an apple or a salad. but that’s probably not the truth. i try to remember what a small slice of life i share on my own blog. sometimes i don’t realize that i post back-to-back domino’s trips. that’s probably judged just as harshly as back to back veggies-and-nothing-but-veggies.
i don’t think criticism on a blog (even if it’s well-meaning) would make a true difference if there’s a lot going on under the surface. it is incredible to know that readers and bloggers are reading and they care. i just mean, if a blogger realizes an issue is going on mentally (regardless of the salads/desserts pictured), they’re either taking care of it or not, on their own or with some licensed help. i kind of feel like… if you don’t have anything nice to say, move on to another freaking blog.
i’m here for your words more than anything, and the pieces of life you decide to share with us. and i’ll be interested in your photos whether they’re textbook healthy or textbook unhealthy. as long as you know what’s going on with you, and are still enjoying sharing such awesome posts, keep them coming, lady.
Thanks Kristen 🙂 Having readers like you is truly a blessing <3
Wow – I’m constantly amazed at how poignantly you express in words what many of us are thinking; it’s as if you have some sort of magical skill of being able to concisely express what we a lot of us feel deep inside! But I love that with every “confession” of yours, it’s like you are bringing you and your readers a lot closer since many of the things you say are things we, the readers, have experienced.
Amanda you should never change for other people! I think you’re absolutely perfect, and I enjoy your healthy living posts. All of your fellow blog readers understand that you eat healthy things and not-so-healthy things in a balanced way 🙂 boy do I feel like I live in the situation you described. I try to eat healthy around my family, but they’re so stubborn! If I pass on dessert, I’m suddenly obsessed with dieting. If I choose not to go to KFC with my friends, I’m trying to loose weight. Is there a middle ground nowadays?
I love this. but i think you know that. I have found my one big back side of blogging is this all of a sudden notice that I eat differently but heck I eat for me. I need to realize my body is what I have and I can’t be the person next to me or who I read about. I have to say, I am with you. I eat what makes me feel good and candy is sprinkled in there.
I think that reading blogs and blogging about our own diets makes us a lot more aware of what we’re eating. Most people don’t really give it another thought, but they’re not exactly being exposed to food as much as the average blogger is.
Great post! This is such a unique topic that I haven’t seen touched on in a blog post before, and I’m really glad you wrote about it.
It’s kind of funny actually. Healthy living blogs were originally intended to help inspire people to exercise more and eat healthier – and eating junk food was seen as a bad thing. But disordered eating has become so prevalent in HLBs that people now get praise for eating junk. It’s funny how it’s become so backward.
I don’t really know what to think. On the one hand, if a blogger is openly and honestly struggling with disordered eating, then yes, I would probably raise an eyebrow if I saw too many healthy foods on their blogs and no “unhealthy” foods. But for bloggers who are healthy living bloggers in the original sense of the word, we shouldn’t feel bad about posting a picture of a salad or an apple! But I often feel that way.
Ultimately I think we just need to be comfortable with our eating habits and the image we project – and not worry too much about what people think!
Oh, I can so relate on that one. Not only on my blog. I always feel like when I go out for dinner with friends I need to ‘prove’ by ordering an ‘unhealthy meal’ that I am no longer obsessed with calorie counting. Or I feel guilty iof I say no to wine because they could think I am not drinking because of the calories. I am getting better though. The more I recover amd the more I blog, I just really don’t care what others think. I eat what makes me feel good. I certainly never want to make anyone feeling bad around me, but really, I don’t think it’s right to judhe somebody by their food and exercise habits – if in recovery or not.
Okay so I’m kind of late in commenting on this post, but nevertheless I want to give my two cents. I’m actually in the process of writing a blog post about this myself. This may make no sense – it’s word vomit.
So basically when we decide to give in to our eating disorder, and stop the ‘extremely healthy’ habits that made us unhealthy, the healthiest thing we can do, is give our body what it wants. It’s probable that the digestive system has had some damage, so we want to nourish ourselves with low fibre, erring towards more processed foods. And this is totally healthy for us at this time. But, because we are human, and we know that healthy food can make us feel good, after a time, it’s normal for us to want to find a ‘balance’ between healthy (without being over zealous like before) and ‘less healthy’. This is actually a big milestone in recovery, as you trust yourself enough to eat healthily, and allowing yourself treats. It may feel weird and abnormal at first, and yes, some people may see you eating a salad and think the worst, but we are now able to have this balance and develop a healthy relationship with food (because its not all about the food you eat, it’s about your relationship to food).
Woah, sorry for the long comment! Have a lovely day xx
That’s a really great way to put things into perspective, Aimée. Eating unhealthy foods was definitely healthy for me while I was trying to heal my relationship with food, but now that that’s more or less normal, I figure it’s alright to go back to more traditionally healthy foods. Hopefully I’ll get to the point where I don’t have to keep second guessing myself!
I can completely understand. I’ve learned the hard way not to make any “healthy eating promises” on my blog, because I always feel so guilty if I break them. Really, though, it’s my life and my body, and I know that, for the most part, I’m treating it right. It will tell me if I’m not, so I shouldn’t wait for society or the media to do that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and encouraging some of mine.
I agree with you completely! There’s a mental component to eating healthy and when I was eating a strictly healthy diet, it caused problems. I’m sure when I swore off anything processed, it was annoying to friends and family at times. Now, I feel happier with my diet even if its not perfect. I watch what I eat, but I leave room for enjoyment too. Besides, strictly healthy diets are boring haha.
It’s still possible to feel bad for eating something not ideal for yourself, but the mental relief often outweighs it. Somedays you eat healthy, somedays you don’t and who should judge you for bad eating? You ‘re healthy and happy, so nothing what does it matter? Loved this post.
all of that food looks amazing, especially that ice cream cone, omg!
Oh Amanda I’m afraid I can’t imagine the responsibility you feel about your blog! I think just be honest and show what and who you are, that’s all you can do and probably the best thing you can do for everyone 🙂
This is like a whole other level of irony. I don’t think you should have to keep up any front- whether it being pretending you’re eating healthy or pretending you’re not trying to eat healthy or pretending to eat unhealthy to prove your healthy…wait you lost me. Just be yourself. Who cares what random people on the internet think?
Im glad youve said this.
Ive always felt like lately when reading your blog that youve tried so hard to be like ‘yeah eat what you want, fuck healthy foods, as if you would want them’
And yeah, okay, ‘unhealthy junk foods’ are okay sometimes, but ‘healthy foods’ are bloody great too. And maybe people just simply don’t want junk food in their bodies. I personally choose not to eat it very often.
Not because I’m restricting myself, and no I dont secretly cry inside because I crave it so bad. I just simply would prefer some other kind of real food over it. And thats OKAY!
I can see your side of this story and its because youre completely right. People watch you like a hawk. And for what reason I dont know. Don’t they have their own lives to worry about?
In the end. Do what ever makes you happy my love.
I think the same way when making designs ‘what do my fans wanna see.. maybe i shouldn’t do that and work on something else instead’ then I think.. hell no. I do what ‘I’ want and if no one likes it, too bad. Im doing it for myself, and anyone else who loves it is just a bonus.
“People watch you like a hawk.” <– And here I was hoping it was all in my head 😡 I'm tired of constantly worrying about it, though. You're right to do what you want instead of trying to cater to others. That's something I'm definitely striving for as well 🙂
I think i’m still so excited that I actually crave vegetables all the time, I haven’t stopped to think about it. I am always saying that I eat chocolate, but it’s true I do always eat chocolate ha! I don’t know why there is a stigma around healthy, other than I believe that it makes people who know they aren’t making good choices feel bad and they don’t like that obviously. I don’t think anyone is trying to make them feel bad it’s self imposed.
I love this post! I know it can be hard to just do what works for you and makes you happy! I constanty struggle with trying to do what i should and what society says i should… I wish i could just live and eat for myself! Oh BTW, I LOVE poptarts! They used to be a huge fear food for me but now I have them every once in a while and they are delicious!!
I think I know where you are coming from, and one thing that I think all of us forget is that it’s called Healthy LIVING. Not Healthy EATING or Healthy EXERCISING or even Healthy THINKING. It’s a combination of all three and so much more. When you were technically speaking exercising/eating healthier, you say that your thoughts weren’t healthy, aka, not healthy thinking. We need all three parts to jive. It’s a balance and honestly I personally believe the thinking part to be the most important. It’s what keeps us sane and happy. Eating and Exercising can be building blocks and pillars to making us feel better, but ultimately I would prefer to eat junk and never take another step in my life if I was happy and my mind was clear of negative thoughts.
Since you are being honest, I am going to be honest as well. I judge people on what they eat and how much they exercise. Not in a “you are so bad” type of way, but I put people into categories. It’s only natural. But sometimes what I think (again- all of us) forget is that these categories aren’t separate. They overlap like those venn diagrams from school. It’s the point in the middle that is most important. Alone none of those circles can fulfill us. It’s when they combine that we are whole and that list that is essentially “us” is complete.
I think this blog post of yours is probably my favorite so far and it is going to spurn me to write one of my own… Most likely referencing many things in this comment actually… Some of which I have just thought of now 😉
The mentality behind it is definitely the most important part… I basically lived off junk food before I got sick, but I didn’t stress about much and I was honestly perfectly happy and healthy. Looking forward to reading your post 🙂
I’m so glad you brought this up Amanda. I think the difficulty with the whole “HLB” stigma is that is really has nothing to do with “health.” It’s really about being as skinny as one possibly can. Bloggers mask it as “healthy living.” But it’s not. It’s about doing all that one can to maintain being as lean, toned, as skinny as one can be. To be able to see your abs. I honestly don’t know why people label themselves as healthy living when really “health” has very little to do with what these bloggers obsess and talk about.
I truly hope to see some healthy food around here tomorrow for What I Ate Wednesday! Nothing wrong with cheating on your diet with some salad or a god old apple 😉 . Cannot wait for the change to come. I am sure it will be a good one and another step closer to the healthiest, happiest, self confident you!
I have to admit at first I was perplexed by your post. I wanted to scream “be true to yourself and don’t be ashamed to be healthy” as bloggers I think we feel we have to be perfect for our readers but we must also show we are human too. I dealt with bulimia for sometime and god me, opposite you, if I find myself giving into temptation and go overboard, I worry people think I’m relapsing. Hasn’t happened in 2 years thank goodness. So I understand where your coming from totally. “Just do you.” It’s what I tell my clients everyday!
i agree sooo much with this! though I have my bumps in the road through recovery I know how far I have come that I find myself sometimes telling my friends like I ate prob 1/2 jar of peanut butter today yet when I say a green smoothie, I am a freak. I try to also highlight my “unhealthier” eating habits so people think I do eat and not just have green smoothies 24/7 when really if I did. I dont care, I like my healthy food and I like my unhealthy food. You just cant please everyone aND i think that is what I am slowly understanding and have to get over it
You and me both, girlie. No matter what, someone is always going to have a problem with something that you do, so you may as well focus on making the most important person (yourself) happy and not worry about the rest.
I absolutely relate to this post (as well as all of your other posts lol)..it is very hard to deal with people watching, looking, judging all of time, questioning what you are eating, it is enough, right etc. Very hard to deal with, especially when having suffered with an eating disorder. While I didn’t have an eating disorder, I have plenty of close friends/family that follow my blog who have tendency to hang on the words and photos and then call me and question if I am eating right, wrong, enough, exercising too much, running too many miles- ugh! I try not to post my daily meals just to keep some things to myself and avoid ridicule in areas that I just don’t need. The meals I do post usually have a reason behind them other than hey look what I had today… Keep up your good work!
I really liked this post! It’s so difficult to find a balance of healthy eating and enjoying yourself…and it’s even harder to portray that balance. We constantly worry how does this look, am I eating enough, do my meals look too healthy or too fattening…what example am I setting? But it doesn’t matter – what matters is that your eating/fitness choices work for YOU since you’re the one that has to live with them. Everyone is different, and it definitely sparks a comparison trap throughout the web, but I say if you can find what makes you happy than that’s the best thing you can do for yourself!
I love this post. I have the same mindset as you. Whenever I do something healthy, I second guess myself to make sure I’m doing it for the right reasons. It gets so hard sometimes to find that middle ground you were talking about. If you find the solution, please let me know! 🙂
I definitely know what you mean in the blogging sense. There is always going to be someone who criticizes you for something – too healthy, too unhealthy, etc. But in reality, bloggers don’t show EVERYTHING. Honestly, that would take a lot of freaking time and probably be really boring 🙂 I just show whatever I have on my camera, really, or whatever I’m talking about. Being yourself is most important, screw what anyone has to say! 😉
Oh hell yes. I feel like I have that balancing act to do sometimes and I really do make sure that I highlight the not so healthy things I eat as well so show balance. But all we can be is ourselves, and I got fed up with the idea of having to prove myself to anyone. It just goes to show that it can work both ways though, I had a comment on my FB page declaring that I eat junk and set a bad example as a health coach. You can imagine how I felt about that! The commenter was a raw vegan advocate, nothing wrong with that, but saying I eat junk? Er I don’t think so. Just shows that you can’t please everyone, so just please yourself 🙂
So, I always thought the fact that you ate “junk” (which is totally not junk) was what made you such a brilliant health coach. Extremes may work for some people, but I think a lot of people are put off by the idea of turning to a healthy lifestyle because they feel like they won’t be able to enjoy themselves anymore… but you totally show that that’s not the case at all!
You make sense, Amanda!
In actuality I sort of sensed this about you (and some other bloggers) and it’s a shame because I actually DO think there are the people who are gonna “de lurk” and comment when they see a salad or an apple..; but screw em!
I recently got lambasted for posting “low fat” vegenaisse right next to copious amounts of peanut butter.. “WHY LOW FAT?” Sigh. Because I that’s what I want!
LOL. I know you will find a healthy balance and I hope you continue to share what is TRUE for you.
yup.. what she said. i concur
I know EXACTLY what you mean with this post love! i think we’re in the same boat in the sense that we’ve made names for ourselves in blogging as not-so-crazy-healthy-living-HLBs, that to actually eat something healthy seems to be betraying that image. I’ve been re-evaluating my diet a little bit lately and trying to clean it up a little, but I’ve been keeping that quiet on the blog because there’s almost a shame factor with putting forth an effort to be healthy. It’s an awkward balance. I like sweets and greasy fried things, and I always end up showcasing them on my blog even though in actuality, they make up a very small proportion of my diet. So if I choose to pick at the fruit in the mail room instead of the bakery-fresh cookies (as I’m doing right this this moment)….I feel awkward announcing that. Or, the massive cake I made my mom for her birthday? I didn’t take home any leftovers, because I wanted to stick to healthier snack and dessert options, which will not happen with a chocolate cake staring me in the face. Buuuuut again, not something I make public blog knowledge.
I think I need to worry about being more transparent with this too – yes, I adore sweets, but I also my fair share of veggie, chicken breast and avocado-type meals too.
!!!! So you realize that I had no idea about all this, right? 😛 You’ve been holding out on me! Serious text conversation coming up soon…
Especially around my friends, I definitely feel like I “need” to eat junk food when they do. I don’t usually, but I feel that guilt on a regular basis. There is absolutely a fine line between healthy and unhealthy clean eating, and lots of us have a hard time knowing the difference. I think that people are always going to judge, but it hurts more when you doubt yourself. So if you just portray a little bit of everything – the cupcakes, the carrots and the cardio (clever, hey? 😉 ), then no matter what people say you will know you are being true to yourself! Perfect post 🙂
I can totally relate to this. I always feel – as a blogger – that I need to portray the kind of persona that I want to depict on my blog whether that be with my food or my health or my fitness or my hobbies. It is such a hard thing to balance but in the end, it is obviously best to do what feels right for you! I think it is awesome you want to eat healthy foods along with cookies and ice cream. It is all about balance 🙂
I feel the same way sometimes! I try to eat clean most of the time and portray clean eating on my blog, so when I happen to eat processed foods, it’s almost like I feel ashamed of eating them and like I’m lying. I think most bloggers deal with this to a certain point because you are putting your life out there and are subject to judgement and criticism. I try to have the mindset that it doesn’t matter what others think, I need to do what’s right for me. I think that you should totally show your readers the good, the bad and the in between. No judgement here! 😉
I really think that the pressure you feel to prove yourself as being completely ‘healthy'( whatever that may mean) on your blog ,is in your head.
Well, at least I know I never expect anything of you on here, aside from you to be yourself…and since that seems to be pretty awesome, I keep reading years down the line :).
Honestly though I can see that there are some judgemental readers out there, that could possibly try to make you feel like you have to live up to certain expectations. Those readers are insecure with themselves. You aren’t the problem.
Xxx
<3 <3 That's definitely a comforting thought. Thank you, Sarah :)
I completely relate to what you are saying! I feel like every time I chose a “healthy” option like a salad, that the people around me always think I’m just trying to lose weight or diet. I feel like I am having to constantly defend my good choices! Why should I feel guilty about eating something with nutrients?!