I generally like to keep Fridays pretty light around these parts since I figure that everyone could use a fun and relaxing read after a hectic work/school week, but I’ve had something on my mind for the past couple of days that I really want to share with you guys
After Tuesday’s post about living a number free life, I got a lot of comments and e-mails from girls revealing their own struggles with numbers, and saying how badly they wish they could free themselves and live the kind of life I described; the kind I’m living right now. Not gonna lie – it broke my heart. Why? Because I remember being in that same hellish place far too well. Because I remember looking at people around me who were happy and carefree around food and wondering why I couldn’t be the same. Because I remember wanting things to change but never believing that they would.
If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be living a life without numbers, scales, or food fears, I would have laughed myself sick. Those things were so ingrained into every moment of my life that living without them was inconceivable. Desirable, but in the same way that one desires to win the lottery – as some far-off dream with the underlying belief that it will never actually happen. But, lo and behold, it actually did.
The girl I am now is so different from the girl I used to be that sometimes I look back on all those years and feel like I’m looking at someone else’s life. It’s a little hard for me to imagine that in the depths of my ED…
I was a girl… who weighed lettuce leaves…
I was a girl… who was terrified of eating salt… and sugar, and carbs, and fat…
I was a girl… who counted the calories in gum, vitamins, and coffee…
I was a girl… who was afraid to go even 10 calories over her daily “limit”…
I was a girl… who spent hours each day calculating and planning our her meals…
I was a girl… who wouldn’t allow herself to eat the same thing more than once a day…
I was a girl… who constantly watched the clock, waiting until she could have her next meal…
I was a girl… who got physically sick from stuffing herself with low-calorie vegetables and water…
I was a girl… who would choose a flavor/variety of food that she didn’t want because it was 15 calories less than what she did want…
I was a girl… who hadn’t enjoyed a birthday cake in years…
I was a girl… who never wanted to travel because she wasn’t willing to leave her comfort zone…
I was a girl… who went to bed starving, woke up starving, and spent the day starving…
I was a girl… who forced herself to exercise every day, even when her body was begging for rest…
I was a girl… who could neither sit nor move without something hurting…
I was a girl… who hated everyone and everything because of how miserable she was…
I was a girl… who wanted to die…
There were times where my situation seemed so bleak and hopeless that I honestly wanted to give up. I remember wondering how the heck I let things get so bad, and feeling completely overwhelmed when I tried to figure out how to make them better.
I didn’t write this post for sympathy, and I certainly didn’t write it to boast about how far I’ve come. I wrote it because I wanted to give hope to those who are losing it. I wrote it because I wanted to show that no matter how deep you are, and how far off recovery may seem, it’s not impossible. I wrote it because there’s nothing special about me or my situation. I’m not some superhuman freak of nature with an iron will – I’m just like you, I’ve suffered just like you, I’ve lost hope just like you. And if I can recover, then so can you.
This is beautiful, Amanda. Thank you for your honesty and compassion! Last year I struggled with similar things like counting calories in gum/vitamins, choosing a lower calorie flavor, planning meals for a very long time, watching the clock, forcing myself to exercise, and looking up the calories to foods on my phone when I ate out. My parents and dance teachers stopped me and made me look at reality…I was sick. I started to become obsessive over time because I wanted to “have a healthy lifestyle” and maybe lose a few pounds. I lost a dangerous amount of weight in a fairly short period of time, and the worst part is that I’m still only 16. Luckily, the people that love me took care of me before my disorder became too severe. I only counted calories after that to make sure I was gaining weight and eating enough to fuel my physical activity. However, as I came to a healthy weight, I still counted and planned everything..and it felt slightly obsessive again. I wasn’t losing weight or anything, but I still knew in the back of my head that seeing the numbers restrained me a little. Just in this past week I stopped counting altogether because I think I have enough experience and respect for my body to listen to what it needs and fuel it properly. 🙂 Thanks again, Amanda for your inspiration!
Love this, because it used to be so true for me as well. KEy word here is USED to, and I am so thankfull to be free and happy for all the people that have reached that place as well 🙂
What a powerful post. Reading some of these comments, your openness and honesty has truly helped many people, and that’s incredible and sometimes what it’s really all about.
I’m struggling now.
I should have fisxed this at age 27 and 28 when it was going downhill.
Instead, it was obsession, flailing, searching…for years….result is a RUINED digestion and bowel system, cramping pain all the time, brain fog, fatigue, metabolic and hormones out of whack, potentially thyroid and adrenal burnout issues. And no way to know how to fix it.
And
NO
ENERGY
mentally or physically.
losting my dreams and hopes…
and swung the “other way”…i.e. “binging ” every night after a very very full and consistent day of eats …binging late at night SILL on 700+ calories (including so much sugar, dairy, fruit, and chocolate and not the safe chocolate anymore either but anyything…aero and kit-kat bars…the entire ones). Do not purge or exercise to “get rid of it”. Can’t even move bowels.
Wasting my mind and dreams and can’t escape them.
I feel so utterly lost and need a guide to take me through this day by day and can’t afford and don’t know who to trust anymore. My entire body…its just too far gone…and I’m nearly 32 years old now…its different this time…I’m too far gone and I’m SO SO
tired of it
I’m just tired 24-7. All. The . Time.
What an honest post, I think its very brave of you to share this post with your struggles, and some of the things you have worked through.
i literally laughed when i read this post, and not laughing at you by any means, but laughing because i was that girl too. and it is such an amazing thing to NOT be that girl anymore.
reading it makes me realize how ridiculous i was. because seriously it sounds so stupid.
-“choosing a flavor because its 10 calories less” – did that.
-“counting calories in gum” – i did it with mints too
“go to bed starving” – guilty
“worked out when your body demanded rest” – to the point of having almost no body left
i am so glad to not be that girl anymore and i am so glad YOU are not that girl anymore. are we 100% normal and recovered yet? probably not, but i feel we both are in a MUCH better/healthier place to where we can be.
best of love to you.
I look back at some of the things I used to be afraid of and can’t help but laugh too. When I first started baking again, I was afraid of baking soda. Baking.freaking.soda. Why? I haven’t the slightest idea, but that’s an ED for ya 🙄
Thank you. Thank you just so much for this.
I’m happy for you,Amanda. You deserve it.
Amanda this is such a powerful post and it’s amazing how far you’ve come! xoxo
Wow, Amanda, this was an AWESOME post. It really is mindboggling to see the difference between who you are now and who you were back in your darkest days…..and I absolutely think you achieved the goal of giving hope to others who are suffering that way. I definitely had a lot of the same issues – eating by the clock, counting calories religiously, denying myself foods because of the calorie count (for so many Thanksgivings, my mom would make pumpkin pie and homemade whipped cream – my favorite holiday dessert EVER – and I would refuse it in order to have peanut butter on toast, my “safe” bedtime snack), fearing travel because it meant I wouldn’t be able to exercise the way I wanted (which is silly – you can go running anywhere! Running in Paris was amazing). I had a lot of these issues right up until my surgery, and I think it wasn’t till I had to literally stop all exercise and spend all day on the couch that I realized…hey…look…I still have an appetite…and if I feed myself, I heal faster…and look…it’s been 12 weeks and my body looks exactly the same….I realized that you don’t have to be a Spartan to be healthy and fit. You don’t even have to do formal exercise to be in good shape! And all that time where I would avoid going out with friends, avoid travel etc….Omg, I regret that big-time. Life is too short not to experience these things!!! There is a huge difference between being alive and really LIVING. Everyone should be able to experience a LIFE free from calories, food worries etc.
It wasn’t until I completely gave up formal exercise that most of this stuff REALLY started to sink in too. It goes against pretty much everything that popular media would have us believe, but lo and behold… it really is true.
I am so proud of you. You are so beautiful inside and out. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that you are going to help so many women who struggle with this. I didn’t go as far as you, but counting is a slippery slope. I know you are an inspiration to me!
This is such an amazing post, thank you for sharing! I think it’s amazing that you are living a life without numbers and so inspirational!
This is such an honest, powerful post. Chills. Thank you for sharing it. 🙂
This is incredibly beautiful and speaks to SO many of us out there who have been “that girl” in one or more ways before. Thank you for being so raw and sharing it!
Girl, your strength is going to help so many people. There really are no words for how much I admire you and especially posts like this. The person you’ve become certainly is an amazing one and I have no doubt that transformation will inspire. Enjoy your weekend <3. (Also, completely unrelated but mentioning the weekend made me think of it, I was out with a few friends tonight and one mentioned how he couldn't wait for Sunday not because of Easter because of Game of Thrones and I immediately thought of you :-)).
Awwr! That totally made me smile! Thanks girl <3
*Hugs.* This post resonated so deeply with me–like in my gut deep. I can vividly remember being so transfixed by numbers–by weighing, measuring, calculating–that my mind literally couldn’t go anywhere else. I’d sit in a movie theater and pretend to be watching, when all I could think about was keeping my next meal within my calorie quota; I’d hang out with friends, but find an excuse to leave when someone suggested stopping at the ice cream shop; I’d jot down my gum calories on post-it notes, so that I wouldn’t forget to add them to the “tally.” Ooof. My rituals provided temporary comfort, however it was only that–temporary. Over time, I realized that my rigid lifestyle was causing more pain that I’d ever known. That realization is what ultimately drove me to take begin taking mini leaps of faith–and they were MINI. However, as with most things, I think slow change is sustainable change, and it really worked for me.
Your story is providing a light of hope, Amanda! Thank you for sharing, and for inspiring so many women to begin taking those mini leaps of faith. I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Happy Easter! xoxoxo
I’ve never commented on a blog before…thank you I have missed out on so much and made so many excuses to friends and family afraid to leave my comfort zone and before you know it your comfort zone is your own mental madness and all you want to do is be happy and take that first step to make that change..I know that I am ready now…
That;s really wonderful to hear 🙂 Be strong. The freedom is more than worth the fight.
I don’t see “i’m begging for sympathy” anywhere in this post. What I do see is a honest, strong, and powerful message that so many girls will be able to take away and learn from. <3
You’re amazing 🙂
Amanda, you are such an inspiration to this community! Thank you for shining light on this topic, so many of us use numbers and let them rule our lives I recently got over numbers and I have the best body I have ever had because I stress less and am enjoying my life which is a whole heck of a lot easier on my adrenal glands and stress signals which means less stomach fat! Plus my cravings have gone away because I don’t feel guilty having a bite of cake anymore. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story you rock :-). Have a great weekend love + shine Courtstar
i see a girl turned confident woman! and with God’s strength, has overcome!
Couldn’t have done it without Him 🙂
This is a great post Amanda. I am sure that your message got across and that you will bring hope to plenty of girls who are suffering from those things. Cheers to overcoming massive obstacles and insane mental daemons.
Amazing post. I am so happy for you! 🙂
Wow- what an amazing heartfelt post!! I felt like I was writing this post. I too was at such a dark place in my life a few years ago and I never thought it would be possible to be complete,y free of this horrible disease. Thankfully those days are long gone for me…… I too want others who struggle know that recovery is possible and that the life you yearn to have is at your fingertips. My advice – one day at a time …that’s what worked for me, looking at the big picture of going from being sick to healthy was so overwhelming..,, one meal at a time became one day at a time became one week at a time. Final,y I got there!.,
I’m so happy that you too seem to really be at a good place I. Your life and I know that this post as well as many of your others will help others see who truly wonderful recovery can be!!
You really have a knack with words and should consider writing a book!!
A few months ago, I stumbled upon your blog and was one of those people you reference, who envy your freedom from numbers and carefree lifestyle in relatin to food. I was in the depth of my own struggle, almost identical to your story. I was obsessed with tracking my micronurients and calories, and I couldn’t imagine NOT being that way. I couldn’t fathom not counting my calories, or weighing myself everyday, or measuring every morsel of food that went in my mouth.
And then, in January, I sought treatment. My family deleted the MyFitnessPal app from my phone. My scale was taken away, I do blind weigh-ins multiple times a week, and all my meals were prepared (initially) by my parents. I was released from all control regarding my food intake, and it was such a relief. I have now reached the other side – I am with you now. And the reason why I’m writing this is to provide some hope to some of your readers who are still on that side that is so torturous. I don’t know how you managed to do it but for me, seeking treatment was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Becky. I’m glad to hear that you’ve found yourself on the other side, and I hope that your success will encourage others as well 🙂
Amanda this is such an honest and powerful post and you’ve probably helped more people than you know. I’m so glad for you that you’ve been able to come out on the otherside. Thanks for sharing something so personal.
Have you ever considered writing as a career? I’m serious, though, not just saying that to flatter you. This is so well written, in such a way that doesn’t alienate anyone, or seem like you’re asking for pity.
It’s such a powerful message that the world, especially young women, really need to hear. Too many of us can relate to one or all of the things you mentioned – and kudos to you for being a support system to so many. This has more impact than you will ever know!
And on that note, happy friday <3
Gush. Thanks so much Rachel… I have actually considered writing, and it would honestly be a dream of mine, but it seems so daunting when I start to think about it more seriously and I have no idea how I’d get started!
Again, I always appreciate your honesty and I know many many others out there who feel the same! These kinds of posts really make me reevaluate where my thoughts have been heading and they give me hope that I can turn my life around and not allow it to be controlled by thoughts of food and exercise. I’m finally realizing that I truly love food and fitness, but I don’t have to let them become all-consuming. I want both of them to be a fun but small part of my life that I can enjoy in the moment but won’t dwell on too much afterwards. I’ve stopped counting calories and tracking macros which has helped immensely but it’s still hard to let go of some of my disordered thoughts and patterns. But your story makes me realize that it IS possible, if I want to make it happen, I can, I just have to actually DO something about it instead of just wishing it would happen!
Yup! Change requires action, and you’ve already been taking some so you should be proud of that! You don’t have to change everything at once, but as long as you’re always challenging yourself to something and not letting your recovery stagnate, then you’ll get to where you want to be with time 🙂
(So, initially today I was going to comment to declare my lust over your fabulous blueberry nanner muffins that I made yesterday. Whoa..yummy!!)
BUT, instead I have to thank your for this wonderfully inspiring post, that’s full to the brim with hope.
Unfortunately many of your points: The Girl you Used to Be, I am still stuck being that girl. So it’s just lovely to see how far you’ve come in being happier , healthier and more grounded. Closer to the TRUE YOU, how you were pre-ED if you know what I mean?
Ya’ know it’s funny, I often think of Amanda@Seek, and now Amanda@Runningwithspoons…it’s like 2 different worlds! ( Well not COMPLETELY different worlds. Your love of writing, baking, books, cars and Game of Thrones for example :D).
Xxx
Hehe well I’m glad you liked the muffins 🙂 – I think I need to bake some more myself. And I was actually reading over some of my older posts the other day and even I had a hard time believing that girl was me. I hope one day that you’ll be able to look back and do the same <3
May I just say that you are killing it lately with the amazing posts, you are awesome chica! We all are so lucky to be inspired by you, thanks for sharing your journey so open & honestly!
I used to be that girl too, and although I knew I couldn’t live like that forever, I didn’t know how to let go and live again. Slowly, it happened. And it will if you want it to, and you let it. Thanks for writing this. <3
What a really honest & beautiful post! I love how real & honest you are & that you wrote it to give others hope. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for this post! As I am going through a lot of this it is nice to know that there have people who have got through it. The worst thing for me is not being able to travel and go out with friends because I am afraid to leave my comfort zone. I am a freshmen in college right now and this has had a big impact on my social life. I also wish I did not think I had to exercise everyday. Taking a rest day is so hard for me. Thanks again.
You are really such a talented writer, Amanda! I really think you should write a book someday. 🙂 This post is so moving and I think it’s so wonderful how you have been able to reclaim your life and live fully. I can relate to so many of the points you made in this post. Heck, I even worried about the calories in my toothpaste at one point. And restricted my water intake. And of course went to bed starving each night, which is a horrible way to live. That’s when things were really bad. Thankfully, I don’t count calories anymore, but I still struggle with disordered eating and portion sizes. I just can’t relax around food. My anxiety still goes through the roof when I need to eat. I really do lose hope because this has been going on for such a long time. But I just want you to know how powerful, encouraging, and uplifting your words are. Your story really does give me hope that this isn’t how it’s always going to be and that I’ll get through it. 🙂
its great for how far you’ve come!!
i look back on how bad i was now and it is definitely like you say…looking at someone elses life, its crazy!
so happy to know how much better & freed you are now 🙂
Thanks a lot, Amanda. This is exactly what I needed right now 🙂
I am SO HAPPY to be seeing all of these “struggles with numbers” posts lately–Time for some blogging honesty and openness, and it can only lead to MORE people examining their relationship with food, calories, scales, etc. I know I have a long way to go before I leave numbers behind, but hey, realizing the problem and getting started is step one, gotta master that one first! I love this post, this positivity. It’s good to read when I’m having a hard time of my own letting go of numbers–other have been there/ARE there, so we’re all in it together, and we can get back to healthy food and fitness attitudes 🙂 Much love for this post–and off to read your other one about numbers.
Realizing the problem is definitely the first step – as is truly wanting to be free from it. There are, unfortunately, so many that are fighting the same battle, so remember that you’re definitely not alone when things get rough.
The last paragraph gave me goosebumps. Thank you for all of the encouragement. People like you are the reason I keep trying, to be honest. You’re amazing and I love hearing everything you have to say! Awww, I just <3 ya!
Such a great post Amanda! And one that past-Meghan definitely can relate to. I am sure that many, many people out there reading will take something home from this message. Maybe it’ll be the push they need to stop counting the calories in their cup of coffee everyday and start living.
You are a strong and beautiful woman! Thank you so much for sharing!
Hug. A big big hug from Istanbul – I am sadly on the run and therefore have no time for a great, long, thoughtful comment. <3