I generally like to keep Fridays pretty light around these parts since I figure that everyone could use a fun and relaxing read after a hectic work/school week, but I’ve had something on my mind for the past couple of days that I really want to share with you guys
After Tuesday’s post about living a number free life, I got a lot of comments and e-mails from girls revealing their own struggles with numbers, and saying how badly they wish they could free themselves and live the kind of life I described; the kind I’m living right now. Not gonna lie – it broke my heart. Why? Because I remember being in that same hellish place far too well. Because I remember looking at people around me who were happy and carefree around food and wondering why I couldn’t be the same. Because I remember wanting things to change but never believing that they would.
If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be living a life without numbers, scales, or food fears, I would have laughed myself sick. Those things were so ingrained into every moment of my life that living without them was inconceivable. Desirable, but in the same way that one desires to win the lottery – as some far-off dream with the underlying belief that it will never actually happen. But, lo and behold, it actually did.
The girl I am now is so different from the girl I used to be that sometimes I look back on all those years and feel like I’m looking at someone else’s life. It’s a little hard for me to imagine that in the depths of my ED…
I was a girl… who weighed lettuce leaves…
I was a girl… who was terrified of eating salt… and sugar, and carbs, and fat…
I was a girl… who counted the calories in gum, vitamins, and coffee…
I was a girl… who was afraid to go even 10 calories over her daily “limit”…
I was a girl… who spent hours each day calculating and planning our her meals…
I was a girl… who wouldn’t allow herself to eat the same thing more than once a day…
I was a girl… who constantly watched the clock, waiting until she could have her next meal…
I was a girl… who got physically sick from stuffing herself with low-calorie vegetables and water…
I was a girl… who would choose a flavor/variety of food that she didn’t want because it was 15 calories less than what she did want…
I was a girl… who hadn’t enjoyed a birthday cake in years…
I was a girl… who never wanted to travel because she wasn’t willing to leave her comfort zone…
I was a girl… who went to bed starving, woke up starving, and spent the day starving…
I was a girl… who forced herself to exercise every day, even when her body was begging for rest…
I was a girl… who could neither sit nor move without something hurting…
I was a girl… who hated everyone and everything because of how miserable she was…
I was a girl… who wanted to die…
There were times where my situation seemed so bleak and hopeless that I honestly wanted to give up. I remember wondering how the heck I let things get so bad, and feeling completely overwhelmed when I tried to figure out how to make them better.
I didn’t write this post for sympathy, and I certainly didn’t write it to boast about how far I’ve come. I wrote it because I wanted to give hope to those who are losing it. I wrote it because I wanted to show that no matter how deep you are, and how far off recovery may seem, it’s not impossible. I wrote it because there’s nothing special about me or my situation. I’m not some superhuman freak of nature with an iron will – I’m just like you, I’ve suffered just like you, I’ve lost hope just like you. And if I can recover, then so can you.
I wasted so much of my life.
What’s done is done… The good thing is that you don’t have to waste any more 🙂
Thank you for writing this, Amanda.
Thank you so much again for posting this. Yesterday I actually had a breakdown regarding food after a party I went to at work. I made the mistake of not eating anything before the party and I was so hungry that I started eating everything. By the time I had eaten a few things I didn’t know how much I ate and started to feel like I was out of control. I was doing so well from here on out and I hated myself for thinking that I made a “mistake” for having a piece of cake or eating “too many” pieces of cheese. I hate this warped mindset that I have. It’s so unhealthy. I know this takes time and I’m working the hardest I can to get through this. I decided to take away my scale and get rid of the numbers. I know it’s one step at a time.
If you don’t mind me asking what was the first step in your recovery? Did you do this all yourself or did you get professional help? I’m trying to do this on my own by taking away the measuring but I’m worried it may come back.
Let me know what you think. You are such an inspiration to me. You are my favorite blog and seriously you make me happy to be who I am and that I can do this and change myself. Thanks for writing.
The first step? I suppose it was just committing myself to the idea that I really wanted to recover, and then making small changes to my habits. I made sure that I was always challenging myself with something instead of allowing myself to stagnate and stay in one place. And I never saw anyone professionally… I did it all on my own. I found that going at my own pace and being the only one responsible for my recovery took a bit longer but made it more permanent.
Thanks so much for the response, really appreciate it. I’m definitely going to do this and try as hard as I can. You’re right just one day at a time. Thank you again for all your inspiring posts! Really helping me.
Thank you for opening up! I’m 110% sure this post is going to help a lot of people. You rock!!
I continue to be amazed by your struggles and accomplishments! Along with your humble attitude about it all. I know that this message will help at least one person, and that’s all you can ask for! I am so SO happy that you have come so far and you deserve every moment of happiness you now have because I can only imagine how hard it was to pull yourself away from the dark hole. <3<3
This shows how far you have come and how strong you are. I read this and immediately knew that you are one of the strongest to be able to overcome all of that. It is so easy to get into the obsession of numbers and rely on them to live our life, but you stepped AWAY from that and look at who you are today! You are such an inspiration to so many, and I know this post will be able to get someone to forget about numbers, maybe slowly at first, but eventually forever!
I remember eating iceberg lettuce over romaine or spinach because it had fewer calories. I’d mix a half cup of iceberg lettuce with plain balsamic vinegar and eat that for a snack. Geez, I can’t even fathom that today!
Thanks for this post. You really have a beautiful way with words! XOXO!
I love this post because I was the exact same girl! Since making changes away from these behaviors I feel amazing and enjoy life so much more without the focus on numbers. Good for you for making that change too!
such a genuine post and I am sure a lot of us an relate to this. I am so proud of how far you have come along…
I love your posts because no matter what is going on in your life, you are always so open and honest. I’ve never suffered from an eating disorder, but I certainly could relate to many points. When I go out to eat I tend to always pick the lowest calorie option, even thought it’s not even what I want.
I can relate to so much of this. I remember counting every single calorie and not being social if it meant going over that limit. I remember my long list of forbidden foods. I remember drinking diet coke to keep myself from fainting before my next meal. Watching the clock, stressing over holidays… I still get nervous around holidays, I still feel guilty for overindulging sometimes and I still have safe go-to meals that I eat when I don’t feel like a challenge. But I hadn’t had a birthday cake in years and this year I had 2, I always have PB in my cupboard and if I’m hungry, I’m damn well going to eat! Love this post, and you 🙂
i have one question…how????????? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
love you girl
I’m pretty sure that you know how; you just have to be willing to do it. Stop thinking and start doing – it really is that simple You have to realize that you hate the way things are now enough to do something about it. Things will never change unless you change them, and as scary as that may be, isn’t the thought of looking back at your life and realizing you wasted so much of it even scarier?
Oh my, I can relate to so many of the points you mentioned – more than I’d like to admit. No way I’d have assumed you to ask for sympathy or trying to boast writing this because that’d just not be you. You know about my struggles so therefore reading it was just what you’d intented for it to be: a reminder that, yes, it is indeed possible to get to the happy place you’re at now. Thank you, Amanda! It can really be hard for me to keep up my hopes for recovery at times and it’s reminders like this that I need.
A very strong post that truly resonates with me. Numbers controlled my life (ironic since I hate math and suck at it ha). And to a point they still do. I clawed my way back out of the damn hole I dug myself and still, every now and then I find myself teetering on it’s edge. I find myself watching the clock trying to hold out to eat my meal, estimated numbers flash in my mind, and the God damn scale still exists in my house, silently mocking me. Yeah. I still got problems. But they don’t change overnight but they truly get better once we recognize and fight to be healthy, free and alive.
Thank you for the post <3
As someone who has never had an eating disorder but works with so many females that does, this is such a powerful post for everyone. I think what people don’t realize is that eating disorders aren’t to “look good”. 1 calorie is enough to send some of the females I’ve worked with into a tailspin.
Hi Amanda – I’ve been reading for a while now, but have never commented … just wanted to say I love your blog, and so appreciate what you have to say. Really, really good stuff. Thanks. 🙂
You are amazing.
And you’re doing a great service with these posts!
Thanks for being you, hope you have an awesome weekend!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I could have put a check mark next to nearly all of those things, except for the weighing of the food. But yes, that was me as well. And I think a lot of girls can relate to the bottom few as well…. where you get drug down so deep in your ED that you don’t even care if the end result is death. In fact, for me, I wished I would just waste away because I hated my life that much and could not fathom that it could be any different.
Unfortunately, it took hitting rock bottom for me to turn my life around. I don’t wish that on anyone who suffers from an ED, but it seems like a lot of times, that’s what it takes — is being so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted that you just don’t care what you do next and embrace recovery out of sheer weakness to fight against it. I should add too that I could not have done it alone. I was too scared to wade into recovery waters… it took the overwhelming support of my family to hold me and lift me up and calm my fears. It got better and better, and like you, sometimes I look back to what was just 2 years ago and think I’m looking at someone else’s life. It’s scary but it’s also so refreshing to get away from it all finally.
It took hitting rock bottom for me as well, and I couldn’t agree more about the importance of a good support system. The way I see it, looking back and feeling like you’re looking at someone else’s life is a good thing – it means that you’ve come so far that the thoughts that used to plague you no longer make any sense. Here’s to freakin’ recovery
Holy freakin’ crap I want to hug you right now. Like, would jump on a plane to Edmonton for that sole purpose.
I can relate to this so much…how I behaved in the depths of my ED is so different compared to my attitude and behaviours now. I remember thinking at the time that I wanted it to stop, begging for it to stop…but I didn’t know how to make all the fears, behaviours and thoughts go away. It took years of work, but eventually, I got to a place where the numbers just don’t matter like they used to. Sugar, fats and carbs are just part of my life, without having to think about it, weigh or count anything. So much freer and happier that way.
You are such an inspiration to so many people. <3<3
One strong line came to mind while reading all of this. A line that I think that in our individual lives, you and I can both relate to ….
“now that’s just somebody that I used to know”
<3
Now you just got that song stuck in my head… and now I might just hate you for it 😛
<3 <3
I am so happy you wrote this post. It’s comforting to know that there are people who actually felt the way I did and went through the same experiences ( that’s not saying that I’m glad you went through the struggles though). I can relate to you and your story because I was there once in my life too and it was the hardest time of my life. I lost a huge amount of weight and still didn’t feel good enough about myself. It was scary. I still have struggles today but I am progressing. I’m glad to see you come so far along into better health! You truly do give hope and motivation for those people who are struggling!
You are such a different person now and you should be proud of that. What you have overcome was not easy and will never be easy. i think reminding yourself of how far you have come is the best way to stay in the moment and move forward. I can relate to a lot of these. I never thought of writing a post like this but I like it. The crazy things my ED made me do.
Yesssss Amanda!! Thanks a million times over for this. . .you have no idea how much it helps :). I’m on my way to getting there. . slowly but surely, one day at a time. I was once a carefree young girl who loved chocolate with a passion (couldn’t go a day without Oreos and Snickers!). When ‘health’ became an unhealthy obsession I not only lost my chocolates but my bubbly personality as well. I didn’t even realize how I was changing, but my family did and begged for me to bring back the old ‘me’. Lucky for me its not been too long, and besides its never too late right!? I’m at the peak of my life – 18 years old – and I’m going to win this battle for good :D. Today after a looong while I enjoyed a long time favorite chocolate bar sans guilt. Not as a substitute for a meal to keep calories low, but as a dessert/snack like any normal person. Sorry for the novel ;D !
Don’t apologize, SD! That’s really great news! 😀
You are so strong and brave. Way to go, my friend!!!
I dedicate my rest day today to you. Cheers!
It’s really hard to escape a life of numbers. I’m a very OCD person, so the obsessiveness hit me like a ton of bricks. I would measure EVERYTHING on a food scale, count my water glasses, etc. I realized it was getting bad when I made a weight watchers milkshake and when I measured everything out a four point milkshake, it was like one sip. My mom actually laughed a the milkshake, not in a mean way, but that’s when I realized it’s okay to just have a treat, so I did!
Oh man, I can relate to every. single. one of these and it pains me to realise that that’s how I lived. But I can tell everyone one thing, on those frequent times when I did feel like ‘ending it’, I am forever grateful that I didn’t. Life now is amazing and free and I can enjoy the things that really matter. And if I had hurt my family by killing myself, I just can’t even begin to think how they’d go on with their lives knowing that they couldn’t have helped me despite giving up basically their entire life trying to…
Reading this post just shows me that there are girls out there who have struggled with the same things I have/am. Thank you for being so courageous and being wide open with your readers. That must be kind of hard. I’ve been doing really good lately, but sometimes I fall back into it. I’m so glad I read this post today 🙂
This is amazing of you to share your story and to be so honest about what you have been through. I know that so many girls and women can relate to these feelings and there is something to be said for coming together and being open with one another about our experiences. Have an awesome weekend!!
Reading this, I can’t thank you enough for posting and sharing. So often, I’ve found myself wondering if I am the only one who feels this way, or if I will feel this way the rest of my life. It’s comforting to know how far you’ve come and how you can truly relate, firsthand, to all I experience and endure on a daily basis. Lately, I’ve been contemplating recovery and change more than ever, and reading this post, is a reminder of how important it is to start now and how life can truly be different, in a positive way. On a daily basis, I read your blog and it’s entries like these that make me so very, truly thankful for making that choice.
You’re definitely not alone, Melissa – unfortunately, there are far too many people out there who struggle with these kind of thoughts. But you definitely don’t have to struggle with them for the rest of your life. Even if you’re not completely ready to act, the very fact that you’re seriously starting to consider recovery is a huge step. Once you really become determined to change then the anxieties and challenges will become a lot easier to face. Stay strong, friend.
Awesome post- great words of wisdom is all I have to say. If women in the world could just LOVE their bodies how God made them…not to say that we shouldnt take care of ourselves or anything, but ytou are def giving hope to women. thanks!
Thank you for sharing love. So much of this resonates with my own past, the weighing food, choosing options with less calories that I didn’t want, not wanting to go places, always being hungry, hurting, forcing myself to exercise, etc. It makes me so happy and thankful to see how far I’ve come. I know I still have some work to do, though. I still watch the clock too much, usually waiting to eat till the “normal time.” Part of that is working with the kids, I know, to help keep us on some sort of schedule so things don’t get too crazy but I definitely still find comfort in eating around the same time each day, and the weekends can still be a little rough when things get hectic and I can’t eat when I usually do. I know I’ll get there…just have to keep practicing
This is such an honest and personal post. Thank you for sharing. I can/have been able to relate to so many of these within the past couple of years. I have stopped counting calories over the past several months and it has been so freeing. I am still working on not having feelings of “guilt” based on the food that I eat, though. This is definitely a struggle for me.
This is just such a compelling, honest, brutal but wonderful post all at the same time. Thank you thank you thank you for putting your inspiring progress into words, words that people can read and feel hope that someday, they will get to the place you are at now. Amanda, you are just amazing, so glad to have ‘met’ you through this whole blogging thing 🙂 Love ya lady xo
Right back at ya, Tessa 🙂 <3
This is such a beautiful post. I relate a lot to everything you wrote down here– I was exactly the same. It’s refreshing to know that others have been through similar struggles, and that we can come back from those dark times.
Have a great weekend, friend! <3
And I am a girl who is soooooooo happy to know the new girl you have become. You’ve let yourself be you- every wonderful, strong, beautiful ounce of the real you! It brings me joy to know that you have found joy not only in food, but in life!!!
I know it may still be a work in progress, but it’s worth the work. 🙂 Now pass me some cake…
This is such a beautiful and honest post Amanda. I truly appreciate your honesty with us all. I’ve gone through all of that as well, and it was probably the worst moments of my life. I was living by numbers, completely obsessed by what they told me, I never listened to myself. A lot of the tendencies you mention, I still participate in, even is they are smaller than they once was. Looking how far I’ve come makes me think I can make even more strides and be in an even better position a few years from now.
Thank you for this post my beautiful friend! And have a superb Friday! 🙂
You definitely can, Lisa! It was a long and gradual process for me, but over time those disordered habits seemed to slip away and they became easier to KEEP away when I started to see how much better life was without them.
I agree.. this is such a powerful message… and I think a lot of people can relate to it. Food/diets/weight plays such a major role in our lives and I think a majority of that is the media’s fault. There is so much pressure to look “bikini” ready or to look a certain way, when the truth is everyone is different… no one has the same figure. Listening to your body and getting past those thoughts takes a lot of strength, and although I didn’t have an ED, I did struggle with eating enough and not listening to my body and that’s a place I’d never want to return to. I admire how far you’ve come girly, that’s something a lot of people strive for 🙂
Wow what a powerful post, Amanda..it’s not easy to countlessly open up like you do but just know that you are helping SO many girls in doing so. It’s scary how many of those tendencies hit home for me:
*Choosing a flavor merely because it was 10 calories less
*Filling up on ridiculous amounts of vegetables
*Planning my meals all day long, every day
*Clock-watching because you know, God forbid I ate before a certain time
It makes me cringe looking back but it’s also helped me develop a much bigger appreciation for food in general…to be able to just eat without constantly worrying if I’m eating enough protein, if I’m overdoing it with the bread, or if healthy options will be available in a certain restaurant. As much as I love food there really is more to life and the minute I stopped putting food on a pedestal, everything seemed to sort of fall into place.
Also going back to your point yesterday about cravings changing and everything balancing out, in the end I just want to reiterate that to others who are scared to listen to what their body wants. All I craved on Wednesday was carbs, peanut butter and breakfasty foods…and I obliged it. Unsurprisingly the only thing that sounded good today was chicken and loads of vegetables (and unlike the past it didn’t have anything to do with trying to “compensate”)
“the minute I stopped putting food on a pedestal, everything seemed to sort of fall into place.” <-- exactly this! My whole life and even my body were so completely out of whack when I was trying to control/calculate everything, but the minute I let go and adopted the "screw it" mentality is the minute that everything just started working out on it's own. It seems so counterintuitive to think that the harder you fight for some kind of results, the further away from them you get, but there you have it...
This is really such a powerful message. Eating disorders are scary things. They literally take over your body (and mind) and cause you to do some pretty crazy things. Reading this, it is clear how far you have come and it’s truly inspirational. I don’t really find myself struggling with much of that anymore but I remember the days when it hurt to sit, stand, or lie down. And I know that I never want to be back in that place.
Thank you for being so honest and open with your history. I too was the girl who over exercised and made herself sick with foods. It took some time, but I dug out of that disordered eating hole. Thank you for showing that we can all come out ok on the other side 🙂