Hey loves!
Have you tried Wordle yet? If not, I highly suggest that you go and check it out. It’s a fun little gadget that lets you plug in a bunch of words, or the URL of a site, and then comes up with a visual representation of the most common words on that site. Here’s what I got when I plugged in my little bloggie’s URL…
Like. Almond. Butter. 😆
Not bad, huh? I’d say that was a pretty accurate description of my cozy little place on the web – God only knows how much I like love my almond butter. In fact, I just polished off yet another jar of the stuff last night, and had to open up a new one this morning, which only meant one thing…
… stirring… lots of stirring…
Nothing like a good arm workout first thing in the A.M. Guess that means that I’m set for the rest of the day 😉 Besides being absolutely delicious, one of reasons I love almond butter so much is because it serves as a constant reminder of how far I’ve come since the darkest days of my eating disorder. Back then, I wouldn’t touch almond butter, or any fat, with a 10 foot pole, much less bury my food in it.
Obviously, that’s no longer the case…
But where exactly am I going with all this talk of almond butter? Somewhere completely unrelated. I get a lot of questions concerning my struggles with, and recovery from, an eating disorder, so I figured that I’d answer a few of those questions in the first part of my Q&A. As always, if you have any more, just ask.
. – . – . – .
How long did your Eating Disorder “last” and what made you snap out of it and take on such a healthy and positive view of life?
Hmmm. It’s hard to say exactly how long my ED lasted because I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment when my healthy thoughts turned into disordered ones… I know that it all started out with an innocent desire to get healthier and clean up my diet, but that it quickly took a turn for the worst. If I had to guess, though, I’d say about… 4 hellishly long years? As for what made me snap out of it, I go into a lot more detail on my old blog, so you can check it out there if you want the full story…
. the cause . the effect . the healing .
… but basically, I had reached a point where it was either eat or die. My body was in such bad shape that it threatened to give out at any moment, and simply getting through each day became a living hell. I was sick. I was exhausted. I was miserable. And I got tired of it – tired of being sick and tired all the time. So I guess that’s what made me snap. Sheer frustration at how crappy my life had become.
And the healthy and positive attitude? That didn’t come right away. Ohhhh no. The first few months of recovery felt almost worst than being sick. The physical discomfort. The mental anguish. The constant anxiety and guilt. Brutal. But there were little rays of sunshine that pierced the darkness, too. A bit more energy. A genuine smile. Tasty food. I desperately clung to those rays – tried to focus on them when the darkness of my eating disorder threatened to overwhelm my thoughts and send me spiraling downward. That’s not to say I never slipped, but remembering the hell of my darker days, and focusing on all the positives that I was experiencing thanks to recovery, is what kept me motivated to forge on ahead.
And now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a snack break – writing gives me the serious munchies.
Vanilla tofu smoothie; toast with cream cheese.
Do you feel like you still have to keep gaining or is your weight healthy now? Do you see a specialist about it?
I’m actually a little bit afraid to answer this one because I know that a lot of people are heavily opinionated when it comes to what really counts as “recovered”, and I don’t want to provoke the haters. Does recovered mean a certain weight? A certain BMI? A doctor’s “okay”? To me, it’s none of those things. I don’t know my weight. I don’t know my BMI. I don’t know what my doctor would say (no, I don’t see a specialist). A number can’t tell me how I feel, and neither can another person. What I do know is that I’m healthy. I’m happy. I’m not afraid of food or constantly obsessing over it. My body works how it’s supposed to (ahem). And although this part is a little bit more difficult to describe, I don’t feel the presence of my disorder anymore. Sure, I still deal with the occasional negative thoughts, but they’re easy enough to brush aside and I never act on them.
When it comes to gaining more weight, if that’s what my body wants, then I’ll do my best to allow it to happen. I truly believe that a person is the happiest when their body is at its “happy weight”, even if it feels uncomfortable getting there. When I was at my thinnest, I was absolutely miserable. While I was gaining, I was still somewhat miserable and also convinced that I’d only get more miserable with every pound I gained – I could never have imagined being happy with my body when I gained more weight.
But, ironically enough, I am happy with it.
Even though my bones don’t stick out as much as they used to and I no longer disappear when I turn sideways, I like what I see now more than what I saw back then. I look strong as opposed to frail. Like a woman instead of a teenage boy. And my face exudes a radiant glow, which is a vast improvement over the dull and lifeless look that I wore for so long. So I guess what I’m saying is… I’m just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me 😀 And right now, it’s taking me to dinner…
… be right back…
Pumpkin Chili Mexican Scramble
If you were to challenge yourself when it comes to food, what food would you then have to give a try?
This is a tricky one, because I no longer see any food as a challenge, really. Sure, some foods are easier to eat than others, but that’s not to say that I avoid those “scarier” foods due to fear – they still have their time and place in my diet. I’m a healthy eater for the most part, which is a stark contrast to how I ate before my eating disorder hit, but that’s mainly because I genuinely enjoy eating this way – it gives me far more energy and well-being than my old junk food diet did, so why would I want to go back? To feel more tired and sluggish? I’m tired of overanalyzing why I eat the way I do and worrying about what motivates my meal choices. I eat what I crave and I crave what I eat, whether that be a cookie or a carrot stick. And as long as I can eat what I want, when I want, that’s good enough for me 😀
. – . – . – .
Gah. What a monster of a post – and it was only three questions! I could definitely learn to cut down on my wordiness a bit, but when it comes to eating disorders and recovery, I have a lot to say. Kudos to you if you made it through all that, and sorry for boring you if you didn’t. Much love!
No questions today, but I would love to hear your thoughts or personal experiences.
Oh, how I love your blog! I have been reading a lot of your old blog todays as well- I find it so so so inspirational! You are doing so well, and Im truly happy for you! Thanks for sharing your story too, it is so helpful.
I like your answere about your weight! It is all about how you feel, feeding your body well and be trult happy (not obsesive!)!
And i LOVE your almond butter-craze <3<3
Oh, how I love your blog! I have been reading a lot of your old blog todays as well- I find it so so so inspirational! You are doing so well, and Im truly happy for you! Thanks for sharing your story too, it is so helpful.
I like your answere about your weight! It is all about how you feel, feeding your body well and be trult happy (not obsesive!)!
And i LOVE your almond butter-craze <3<3
I love your honesty. Most people do think that being healthy is all about a certain weight or BMI and it’s not. You just know when you’re body is at it’s best 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Amanda. I feel so grateful for having you in my life, as your blog and our friendship has been a constant source of strength and motivation for me. You were one of the first people who managed to shake me out of the darkness and open up my eyes to the possibility of recovery.
What you write in this post is a strong and important story of a person who have been through the greatest of challenges, saving her life by changing one of the hardest things to change – our mind.
As for you my commitment to recovery started when I was close to dying. It’s so surreal to think about, isn’t it? That we nearly starved ourselves to death and that it was not an entirely voluntary, nor easy decision to fight for survival. But we both did, gradually realizing that food is not dangerous. Yes, the thoughts were tormenting us, but it is impossible to ignore the positive effects on our bodies when we start to eat more and stop excercising. When I could feel my body relax for the first time in five years, when my heart didn’t hurt and my legs started to feel strong just to mention a few of the benefits.
Keep being the one you are and continue to choose life. That way we might meet someday and enjoy a cheesy pizza at a nice restaurant? Just to show ED we’re done with it’s terror.
Love you <3
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Amanda. I feel so grateful for having you in my life, as your blog and our friendship has been a constant source of strength and motivation for me. You were one of the first people who managed to shake me out of the darkness and open up my eyes to the possibility of recovery.
What you write in this post is a strong and important story of a person who have been through the greatest of challenges, saving her life by changing one of the hardest things to change – our mind.
As for you my commitment to recovery started when I was close to dying. It’s so surreal to think about, isn’t it? That we nearly starved ourselves to death and that it was not an entirely voluntary, nor easy decision to fight for survival. But we both did, gradually realizing that food is not dangerous. Yes, the thoughts were tormenting us, but it is impossible to ignore the positive effects on our bodies when we start to eat more and stop excercising. When I could feel my body relax for the first time in five years, when my heart didn’t hurt and my legs started to feel strong just to mention a few of the benefits.
Keep being the one you are and continue to choose life. That way we might meet someday and enjoy a cheesy pizza at a nice restaurant? Just to show ED we’re done with it’s terror.
Love you <3
I think you’re so fabulous. I love your attitude and how open and honest you are! Kudos to you, my friend! xoxo
I loved each and every answers to these questions.
My fav response was “I eat what I crave and I crave what I eat. Whether it’s a cookie or a carrot stick”.
When I first started eating “healthy” it was all for the wrong reasons, I even look back at the beginning of my blog when I started I was too obsessed with talking about why I eat healthy or why I’m vegan or why this food is good for you. Now it just doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t need to justify my food choices. I eat what I want – and what I want to eat has nothing to do with what my eating disorder says anymore. 🙂
I loved each and every answers to these questions.
My fav response was “I eat what I crave and I crave what I eat. Whether it’s a cookie or a carrot stick”.
When I first started eating “healthy” it was all for the wrong reasons, I even look back at the beginning of my blog when I started I was too obsessed with talking about why I eat healthy or why I’m vegan or why this food is good for you. Now it just doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t need to justify my food choices. I eat what I want – and what I want to eat has nothing to do with what my eating disorder says anymore. 🙂
Awesome Q&A. I love how honestly you are and really go into a story, you know? Instead of answering with what you think we all want to hear, like with that gaining weight question..you tell us the blunt and honest truth. That’s refreshing since many people who have gone through recovery/going through it tend to put on a mask or front (I’ve done it a few times). So glad you’ve found a balance and are healthy!
And I’m totally about to check out that plugin! Tag clous do that, but they’re not nearly as cute. 😛
You are so inspiring.
Thanks for sharing at the initial difficulties you experienced and how you “clung” to the little rays of hope. That is what I need to do right now, because I feel amost with every fiber of my being that I need to lose weight and that is “sick” for me.
Thanks for sharing this!! Its always nice to read about the STRENGTH that bloggers have after they have recovered from something like ED. Truly, it is so inspiring.
I have yet to share my story with the blog world, simply because I am not really sure if it is that important. I have written it up several times but have never been able to push POST. Owell, maybe one day! Glad to see you are focusing on good wholesome food now though. Good for you girl 🙂
I think I already sound like a broken record but I think I love every post you write. Such honest and at the same positive blogs are very rare.
I can’t define recovery but I can feel the difference. I still have a lot of disordered thoughts but when I am hungry, I eat and my body feels great having enough energy for all the crazy things I make it do. I still can’t accept the weight gain completely but a part of me knows that it is mostly muscle and just a little fat which my body needs to function properly. I am still afraid of foods containing more than 500 kcal/100 gr but I’m starting to realize that real food isn’t made of air and calorie-dense doesn’t necessarily equal bad. Recovery is much more than a number indeed. And you give me hope that it will get even better with time.
It will get better. Promise. It was a really gradual process for me… sometimes I didn’t even feel like I was getting better until I stopped and realized “hey, I’m not afraid of X anymore” or “I don’t think Y anymore”. It’s slow-going, and I think that’s why a lot of people start feeling like it’s hopeless and nothing is happening. But all the small changes add up 🙂
That wordle thing is AWESOME! Like you, I’m at a place where food is no longer something to fear. There are some foods that I know still cause a little bit of anxiety but I still eat them anyway. I think the anxiety just likes to pop up when I’m stressed which is not too fun. But food is food and should only be used for pleasure 😉 (Oh, and staying alive…)
xxx
Thankyou, thankyou, THANKYOU! 🙂
I remember reading your blog when you first started it and to see you now, it almost brings a tear to my eye because I know how hard it is to make yourself go through the scary journey of ‘recovery’. They say it’s the hardest thing you will ever ever do in your life and to see you now is just absolutely, truely amazing. You are such a big inspiration to so many readers and you’ve given a ray of hope to those who feel like they will never get there because it does feel like that when you’re going through all the traumas of everyday life when you’re in the depths of an ED.
As for me, I started my ED around when I was 13 (I’m 20 now) and I was hospitalised by my parents force 3 times. First time round, I didn’t even recognise that I was ill. I got to a BMI of 16 and the clinic let me go as they didn’t see the point in me carrying on when I didn’t have the mentality to recover. Second time round, I was taken to A&E because I was basically dying as I had gotten myself in a very drastic state. I was put in a ward for a month with people who didn’t know about EDs but basically to keep me stable, I was then transferred back to the clinic I was at before. I was put straight onto bedrest and had 24/7 supervision – the first night I was there I actually died for 2 minutes..they had to resuscitate me. Despite the seriousness of my ED at this stage, once I had got myself to BMI 16 again, I discharged myself thinking I was strong enough. Oh how I was wrong. I again worsened but not so drastically thank goodness, and was sent to a different clinic. The treatment there was horrific and I discharged myself again but at BMI 15 with a ‘I will show you I can do this without you nasty people’ attitude. And so, I spent a year at home trying to prove to my parents that I COULD look after myself. And I proved them right. I was so determined after all this time. And they let me come to university as they felt confident enough that I would be okay and I would hopefully fully recover on my own as they had seen how stubborn I am for people to tell me how to recover. I have been at uni a year now and I can actually say, I have never felt happier, healthier and more alive than ever before. I just wish I hadn’t gone through all that process to get here!
WOW, that was long – sorry! 😛
THAT is an amazing story – thank you for sharing it, hun. I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through so much pain, but you’re doing so amazingly now, and I hope you’re proud of how far you’ve come, and how much you’ve accomplished <3
You are AWESOME Amanda!! I love this: “I eat what I crave and I crave what I eat, whether that be a cookie or a carrot stick.” Er, hell YES!! I always get asked how I deal with my cravings, and easy, I just eat what I want! 😀
Plus I LOVE what you said about weight! Even when I was technically a healthy BMI, I still knew that wasn’t a healthy weight for me! So weight definitely isn’t everything 🙂
ah thank you so much. I was reading your post before breakfast so as I was scrolling and looking at all the delicious photos and reading about your struggles I kept convincing myself I wanted a “protein smoothie” this morning for breakfast but by the time I was done your post I had eaten a huge bowl of cereal along with a ton of nuts and raisins and felt SO much more satisfied. You’re such an inspiration so thank you again!
Amanda, I just have to say that I’m really glad you decided to start blogging again. Your blog is quickly becoming one of my favourites, I really enjoy your style of writing! 😀
Regarding eating disorders, fortunately I’ve never suffered from one. However, recently I’ve started struggling with binge attacks, so right now I’m trying to deal with that …
i love u opening up!!! i did the same thing and it feels goo to reach out and help ppl! i can relate to a lot of the things u said when I had my ED.. ! i loved ur answer to the weight one.. i think ppl always focus on weight all the time when its about being HAPPY and HEALTHY in order to be recovered! BEAUTIFUL food pics by the way!
This was such an amazing post! I love your attitude towards food and how far you’ve come in your recovery.
And I agree that recovery is SO much more then a number on the scale. It’s about you thought processes and attitudes, how you cope with difficult situations in your life. How you view yourself and your body image. It’s your attitude towards food and letting go of fears and inhibitions in that area.
When I went into IP I gained all the weight I had too, but my through processes didn’t change much. Since recovering “on my own” I have overcome fear foods, changed thought processes, gained better body image and basically re-discovered life once more. I feel worlds better now then when I left IP, so it shows that it’s a battle that needs to be won in YOUR mind and YOU need to want it more then anything else.
Great post. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
Thanks for this! Your experiences are really helpful and it means a lot that you are able to share them and all your thoughts from the time when you struggle d with ED. I feel like blogworld is really a powerful way for people with ED´s to learn more about getting into positive attitudes, gaining strength for the recovery process, accepting own body and stop being affraid of certain foods like fat or carb dense food. When you hear this from a doctor, you are like “Oh come on, what can HE/SHE know about it?”, but when you read a real life experience from someone who was at the same place as you, you know they KNOW that stuff. If motivation for the recovery doesn´t come from your inside, you need to find something you can relate too and slowly try to incorporate good thoughts into your confused feelings and thoughts… YOU are one of those girls that people with ED/ED past can relate too and find inspiration in! You are great 🙂
Thanks girl <3 And you're definitely right… A lot of my motivation came from seeing other bloggers do something that I was afraid of. It was like, if she can do it, why can't I? It somehow becomes a lot less scary when you don't feel so alone.
Really great answers amanda. I’m glad you understand that a lot of people are opinionated when it comes to what really counts as “recovered.” That is so true, and you did a really good job of answering those questions without disrespecting anybody. I also thought all of your transitions were really funny… “And right now, it’s taking me to dinner…” I love nut butter and have to buy 3-4 jars a week which is why Im always talking about it on my blog lol. I wish I could say that I 100% eat what I crave, but pizza seems to be the only food I generally stay away from. I thought about making it home made, but It takes too long. It’s ridiculous to think that I could sit and eat an entire jar of peanut butterwith no guilt, but then having a couple slices of pizza is another story.
amanda, thanks for sharing!!!! ive definitely had my fair share of struggles with self-image and food, so it always strikes a chord in me when i hear someone else’s story. i think my struggles have really helped me learn a lot about myself in other areas of my life though, and while i’m still working on self-acceptance, self-love, and letting go of a lot of fears in my life, it’s encouraging to hear how others like you have pushed through their own barriers!! =)
I think you are amazing, even though I haven’t “known” you for very long… but I am so glad that you are who you are today, posting all these drool-worthy pictures of delicious foods that you are eating!
Great post Amanda! I can relate to a lot of what you said, as usual. 🙂 I think getting to that place where you don’t see foods as a “challenge” is key.
Love your honesty 🙂 Love your post 🙂
My story is very similar to yours in the way that my innocent approach had gone too far; I later realized something needed to change. I truly love what you think of being recovered – being “happy.” I am so grateful of the world I live in and I’m so glad that I chose the right path. Great thanks to many bloggers including you.
Amanda thank you so much for this post and for being so real with us.
I am currently recovering from my ED which has been going on since I was about 10. My turning point came last October when I weighed only 76 pounds (I’m 5’6) and collapsed. After being hospitalized I was dragged kicking and screaming to a treatment center where I finally began to understand that food is not my enemy
and I owe it to myself not to let my ED control my life and destroy my body and my future. I still have days when I struggle and feel that familiar
guilt and anxiety but I have gotten better at shutting up that little voice in my head. Yes, I still have my “fear foods” but I am slowly and surely working past that. I recently bought a big jar of coconut butter, something I would have never in a million years let myself have before, And i lovee the stuff! I see this as a big benchmark for myself in learning to eats fats and truly eat intuitively again. It is still hard for me to honor every craving my body has but it gets easier every day. You are such and inspiration to me and I hope that one day I can use my experiences to help others the way you have helped me.
Thank you for sharing your story 🙂 I’m glad to hear that you’re on your way back to health, and coconut butter is definitely a good choice to bring along for the journey. It would be my favorite nut butter if that position didn’t already belong to my beloved almonds 😉
This is such a wonderful post… seriously, again, I’m SO glad you’re back to blogging – I gain more insight and inspiration from you through each post. No lie.
Awwwr <3 Thank you, hun. That means a tonne to me.
When you wrote this on your last blog:
In addition to these physical annoyances, I had several more notable health problems and scares. I became exhausted to the point of not even having the strength to get out of bed or lift myself up from a chair. I couldn’t lay comfortably without bruising, and I couldn’t sit comfortably without my tailbone and spine feeling like they might crack. I was constantly dizzy. Constantly lightheaded. There were several instances where I completely lost consciousness, and woke up only to wonder what I was doing lying on the floor. And as for my heart? My heart threatened to give out at any moment. At times, my pulse dipped so dangerously low, that I was convinced it would only be a few more minutes before it stopped for good. And the worst of it all? A part of me wished that it would stop; anything to escape the absolute hell I was living.
….
that there.
I currently am in hell. And I fear it has gone too too far. The reason I don’t exercise (no walking, nothng) is caus I have no energy. I have to push myelf off the bed. I also have a very vry fragile heart at this stage…so I don’t walk or do any remote type of activity in fear that my heart will not be able to handle it (yes…not even a simple 2 minute strolling walk).
It’s gone that far.
But…since you went so far under – how did you “start” normal again? That first week, for exmple, how did you formulate each meal and snack to gather back normalcy without wreaking havoc on your digestive system and body?
I may be facing hospital admission at any time. And that scares me to no end.
And every day,Iam tired. I just do nothing…tv and books….or just lying down not doing anything.Ijust want to rest.
My body and mind.
When you wrote this on your last blog:
In addition to these physical annoyances, I had several more notable health problems and scares. I became exhausted to the point of not even having the strength to get out of bed or lift myself up from a chair. I couldn’t lay comfortably without bruising, and I couldn’t sit comfortably without my tailbone and spine feeling like they might crack. I was constantly dizzy. Constantly lightheaded. There were several instances where I completely lost consciousness, and woke up only to wonder what I was doing lying on the floor. And as for my heart? My heart threatened to give out at any moment. At times, my pulse dipped so dangerously low, that I was convinced it would only be a few more minutes before it stopped for good. And the worst of it all? A part of me wished that it would stop; anything to escape the absolute hell I was living.
….
that there.
I currently am in hell. And I fear it has gone too too far. The reason I don’t exercise (no walking, nothng) is caus I have no energy. I have to push myelf off the bed. I also have a very vry fragile heart at this stage…so I don’t walk or do any remote type of activity in fear that my heart will not be able to handle it (yes…not even a simple 2 minute strolling walk).
It’s gone that far.
But…since you went so far under – how did you “start” normal again? That first week, for exmple, how did you formulate each meal and snack to gather back normalcy without wreaking havoc on your digestive system and body?
I may be facing hospital admission at any time. And that scares me to no end.
And every day,Iam tired. I just do nothing…tv and books….or just lying down not doing anything.Ijust want to rest.
My body and mind.
I love the way that you answered these- your responses hit SO CLOSE TO HOME.
I agree so heavily with your responses, and I also am so inspired by the “no food is a challenge” statement. It shouldn’t be and I want your attitude!
This post was amazing!! Just want to say thank you for taking the time to not only be so open and honest but truly be inspiring to so many people! It is so amazing to see how you truly are living a healthy life!
🙂 aimee
Thanks Aimee 🙂 I just wanna show people that it’s possible to get better so that they don’t lose hope and keep fighting.
I am battling an eating disorder right now, and still very much a fight. Any help or mentorship you can offer me on “getting out of it” I would appreciate.
Love this post – thank you for being so open and honest… and you! <3 you!
Avocado. That was the breakthru for me. i could eat anything scary after that…..even chocolate!
This post wasn’t too wordy at all! I enjoyed every word of it, and am so glad you spent the time to write it. I also plan on heading over to your old blog to read the links you posted.
Ahhh I LOVE you for that last paragraph. You put what I was trying to say the other day just. about. perfectly. I loved reading your thoughts and story; I truly admire you for coming back with such a happy, lively outlook on life 🙂
Thank you so much for answering my question! I am quite glad I found your blog a few weeks ago because you have honestly been helping me an incredible amount on my journey to health. I go back and re-read your posts or comments on my own blog to help remind myself that recovery is certainly possible. You continuously prove to me that you can make peace with food and your body and still (gasp) be happy!
I am starting to get it, and it’s rather exciting. I certainly still have days when I don’t “like” my body because of the needed weight I have put on” or I just want to stick to my routine and eat what when and what I want to. It’s a constant struggle battling these irrational thoughts and actions, but you show that it’s really worth it to continuing doing so.
Thank you Amanda
You’re doing amazing, Tessa. Big hugs to you. You’re gonna beat this thing and feel so freakin’ amazing that you won’t even think about going back. Promise.
I have so much to say about this post! First off, I am so in awe of you. I basically got sent to treatment kicking and screaming, though now I can see that it was for the best. I was so miserable when I was sick, though I was positive that if I lost just a few more pounds, I would be happy.
I think recovery is different for everyone. I read an interesting article in the NY Times about the subject: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/26/health/26anorexia.html?_r=1. The one thing I am confident in is that recovery is more than just a number on the scale, just like the ED is more than a number.
Thanks for a fantastic, thought-provoking post!
thankyou for sharing this. I am going through an ‘eat or die’ phase. I no longer want to be weak and frail, I want to be able to focus on school and go to university, so therefor I must eat. Does that make it easy? No, I still struggle a lot, but reading blogs like yours help me stay on track. 🙂