Today was the kind of day where another one of these was in order…
Why? A few reasons. The first of which was comfort after the less than pleasant events of last night…
We had a power outage. I had just snuggled into bed for the night and read two pages into my book, when I suddenly found myself surrounded by pitch black darkness. Thank goodness that it’s been ages since I’ve watched a horror movie of any kind, or I might have started to think that a psychopath wearing a hockey mask had cut the power to make me easy prey. Gulp. As it stands, the worst thing that happened was me banging my big toe on the corner of a wall while I tried to use the light from my iPhone display to find a lighter. Painful, yes, but not as bad as being hacked into pieces.
The second reason that today was an ice cream kind of day was because of the insanely hot weather that hit us this afternoon…
Yes, I’m well aware of the fact that many of you have been dealing with weeks of temperatures in the triple digits, but I’m Canadian and, up here, we’re better at dealing with 6 month winters and sub-Arctic temperatures than we are at dealing with heat. Today was just rough; and I think Kaiah agrees…
And the third, and most important, reason that ice cream was on the today’s menu was because… well… I just wanted some; and what other reason do I need?
I used to feel like I had to justify my food choices, or the very fact that I was eating at all, with something – some string of logic that would make it “okay” to eat, because actually enjoying food was out of the question. No, there had to be another reason…
This food is beneficial for my body.
X and Y have to be used up before they go bad.
I feel like I might pass out from hunger.
I just had a hard workout, I guess I’m allowed to eat now.
Nevermind the fact that I needed to eat in order to live, and nevermind the fact that sometimes there’s nothing wrong with just wanting to eat for the sheer pleasure of eating, I always needed something extra to give food the green light to pass my lips – I had to either earn it, or it had to be beneficial in some way.
This, as you can probably imagine, meant that all of my meal choices had to be “smart”; which left little room for enjoyment. Don’t get me wrong. I love eating healthy, and crave those kind of foods 80% of the time, but there’s still that remaining 20% where I want something that doesn’t make sense from a nutritional point of view. Something that’s only purpose is to please…
… and I’m happy to say that I’m getting better at allowing myself to have those things. I’m getting better at feeling like I deserve those things, just because. No other reason necessary.
I’ve finally given myself permission to eat and enjoy.
This isn’t something that happened overnight. Oh no. It’s something that I’ve been working on for a long, long time. One thing that helped me in this process was to picture myself as a young child…
Would I ever tell that girl that she didn’t deserve a piece of cake? Or that she could only have a slice if she worked it off on the treadmill later? No, I wouldn’t; not in a million years.
Yet that’s exactly what I ended up doing.
Remember going grocery shopping with your mom when you were little, and asking her for that pack of cookies or that box of sugary cereal? Remember the disappointment that you felt when she said no? That’s the kind of disappointment that I subjected myself to for years. But remember the happiness that you felt on the rare occasion that your mom said yes? Your excitement on the drive home when you knew that you’d soon be eating a big bowl of Lucky Charms? That’s the kind of happiness that I’m finally letting myself experience again, just because I deserve it. Everyone does.
And believe me, it feels and tastes damn good…
. – . – . – .
No questions today, just a request to share your thoughts or experiences 🙂
YOU WERE SO CUTE AS A KID!!! Wait, ice cream is healthy isn’t it? Protein and calcium and stuff…that’s what I tell myself anyway 😉
Your ‘working the birthday cake off on the treadmill’ thing totally resonates with me! I remember doing that last year…NOT THIS YEAR!! I am going to eat MANY slices of cake in 11 days time (eeeeeeeeeEEeeeeEe!!!) and not feel the SLIGHTEST bit of guilt or fear!! 😀
I really love the whole idea of imagining yourself as a child and treating yourself with the same kindness and care you would if you were young. I’ve read about a few people, especially those recovering from ED’s that use that idea and I think its so lovely. I think it really helps me when I think about how I will treat my own children when I have them in the future too, one of my main motivations for dealing with my own food demons now is so I don’t pass those issues on to my kids when I eventually have a family 🙂
I think about my future children too. I don’t want them to EVER struggle with the same kinds of things that I did, or toever feel unconfident in their bodies. It’s great added motivation to deal with things now 🙂
I use that same trick where I put a picture of myself as a youngin’ on the wall where I eat so that I can look at it whenever I’m having a hard time. I would never deny little me glorious food so why should I deny older me glorious food? Oh food and it’s gloriousness.
29 degrees is so hot! I remember when we had one day like that in Wellington in the summer and I found it so hard to function. It was crazy! I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees that as scorching 😛
xxx
My therapist always told me to picture myself as a kid again and what i would tell that little girl!! It worked great for me. Eating for enjoyment definately doesn’t come overnight and Im still working on it. Its annoying i have to justify every meal, For so long I justified eating because I was underweight. Now that im healthy its super hard to justify food. Awesome post, definately made me think!!
You are so right on this! We often end up justifying our food choices, our cravings, our needs, just to make sure that we are ALLOWED to eat that piece of cake/ice cream etc.But hey – if I want to have it, I can have it, right? If I feel like eating a pound of chocolate, then why not? Depriving myself is not a way to go, it´s a way to hell, and that´s not what life should be about 🙂
I love this- eating doesn’t always have to be so logical! As a society today, we put so much pressure/detail in one of the most natural human actions: EATING! I love this idea of eating like a kid- it’s so magical to watch the way they eat- no qualms or disordered thinking! Even if they are eating a cookie, they’ll stop when they’re full..not just finish the whole bag!
“X and Y have to be used up before they go bad.”
I barely thought about this before, but I do this all the time, mostly to rationalize the binges. More and more I’m telling myself that I don’t have to finish every last morsel on my plate if I’m full, and I don’t have to have and extra serving of dessert just because it will be thrown out if I don’t. It feels almost silly that I have to do this, but it’s so hard! But I know that I’m one step closer every day 🙂
Wow, this post is so honest and filled me with emotion when I read it. I actually have never experienced the thoughts of “permission” to eat, I have always just ate what I wanted basically. Okay, now that makes me sound snooty/ privileged, but I don’t mean it like that, honest! I have just never thought about giving my self “permission”, or “earning” food, and I am so thankful for that. I really have not thought much about it honestly, since I can remember I just let my body tell me what it wants and try to honor it the best I can.But reading your post and the comments made me so sad to realize how many people struggle with that, and no one should have to feel that way. Yet it makes me happy to know you have learned so much, and have grown, and no longer feel trapped to “allow” yourself something that you deserve no matter what- have it just because you are you 🙂 Thinking about it, I think I have had ice cream, fro yo, or dessert probably98% of my days haha, it is just part of my life hat I don’t think I should have to feel that I am deserving enough for, or anything for that matter. Keep on being amazing girl 🙂
I actually read a magazine article a few weeks ago about this! It was based off a study, and the point basically was that people who “act like children” sometimes – this included eating things simply because you wanted them – were significantly happier. (“acting like children” also included regularly taking baths at night and doing things like wearing your old prom dress around the house just because you like it haha). This is definitely still something I’m working on!
Yessss! I knew there was a logical reason behind my Disney and teddy bear obsession. Pays to be young at heart 😀
You go girl 😉 I am definitely a full supporter of eating for 100% pure, sweet, unadulterated pleasure. I don’t think there ever has to be a reason or an excuse to eat ice cream! Yay for you for doing/eating what you please!
I can relate to this post on SO many levels. This kind of predicament and relationship with food hits too close to home for a lot of us women. It takes a long time to learn to trust food and let yourself indulge sometimes!
I don’t think people need to justify why they indulged. There is nothing wrong with indulging and people shouldn’t feel bad doing so. People should not need “permission” in order to eat something they are craving just because it might not be that healthy.
By the way if you don’t mind me asking what part of Canada do you live? 🙂
Mmm I agree that we SHOULDN’T feel bad, but we often do because it’s like we’ve been conditioned to think that way – that indulgences are bad and treats are naughty. And I’m from Alberta 🙂
Sadly, it’s all over the media that we should feel bad when enjoying not so healthy foods which I see why so many people have this glued into their brain, but it’s not right. I’m not even sure where the media got this idea from in the first place.
I’ve been to Edmonton, Alberta once when I was little and I would like to go back again to see the West Edmonton Mall. I hear it’s huge. 😀
I just made and had a big slice of pie tonight, which is something I haven’t let myself do in ages (the butter! the refined carbs! the sugar!). and you know what? it was damn good, and damn rewarding at that – I used blackberries from our garden, and they were absolutely wonderful. I find myself in the same situation often, where I’m trying to find a reason to justify eating something, and it just gets so exhausting. but hey, I’m getting there, and I’m glad you are too. 🙂
The ice cream photos are killing me! YUM! I have to ask- what brand??
Chapman’s http://www.chapmans.ca/ Their products are friendly to those of us who have peanut allergies 😀
Great minds think alike! It’s obscenely hot here too – Vancouver, that is… Maybe not quite as hot as where you are, but it sure feels like it! I’m about to dig into some mint chocolate chip ice cream, which has been much needed today 🙂
You never need an excuse to eat an ice cream cone (in my opinion!) So happy for you to be getting more comfortable with this stuff. Yay!! Oh, I tried your “spiked” pudding idea. Brilliant!!!
We shouldn’t even have to give ourselves ‘permission’ to eat anything. We should just eat it without feeling guilt or having the thought that, “Oh, I worked out so it’s fine.” I eat ice cream every night. I may eat too much, but whatever. I love it.
Oh the joys of being a little kid. Depriving ourselves would have never even been a thought. Sometimes it’s okay to eat ice cream, just because 🙂 no justifications needed.
Wow. great post! This really made me remember old thoughts and memories 🙂
I’ve been struggling with the grocery shopping thing since Junior year of high school. There are so many things I took out of my life, I pretty much have subjected myself from eating almost everything. Sigh. It’s a long road, but I’m slowly getting there. One small step at a time! I know eating frozen yogurt is still “healthy” but it’s something I avoided… Now, at least I’m going with friends and not buying a quart just to eat myself in my room… Then crying later.
I’m really glad you’ve come this far. It’s really inspirational, lady!
As always a wonderful post! I love your honesty and your positive outlook on food and life in general. What a great picture of you as a child! We can learn alot frpm our childhood – we woild never deprice a child of something – why should we as adults! Especiallu ice cream – a perfect treat!
Haha for me it was always asking my mom for Oreos! Ice cream is a perfectly legitimate treat and pure joy is definitely a macronutrient that needs to be fulfilled on a daily basis!
Love it, as usual! Your posts are always so thoughtful. Ice cream is probably my favorite treat ever, but it’s not so much of a “treat” anymore since I’ve been eating it every day for this whole weight gain thing. At first I was afraid because I didn’t want to eat “unhealthy” things to gain weight, but then I decided to embrace and enjoy it!! Now my relationship with ice cream is much happier, so my mind and tummy thank me for that one. I love the grocery store memory – it’s so true. I remember how excited I would be that my mom bought the one little thing I was really craving, and that’s how I feel when I honor my cravings now!
I have been following your blog for a couple of weeks now and I am soooo making some pudding to try in my oatmeal, pronto. I can’t take it anymore! 🙂
It took months after recovering to let myself eat something that was considered “bad”, like a food with sugar, extra oil, white starch, nuts, etc, and not beat myself up over it for hours or days. I’m still not perfect at it, either. I remember my 15th birthday (this last February)– it was just a few weeks after I had begun eating more, and having my parents playing an active role in recovery, and I got so upset and mad when I found out they were going to bake a cake for our little family birthday celebration. And make pasta for dinner. I had told them I didn’t want a cake and that I wanted to pick the dinner, but they made it anyway. I was so upset at the time– and how sad it was. Gosh, it makes me tear up just thinking about how constricting I was on myself! I thought I was evil and mean and not worth being loved or cared about. I didn’t think I was worthy to live. I wasn’t worthy enough to treat myself. I wasn’t worthy enough to be helped out of my deeply depressed hole. Vinny, my rat, was the only light in the world and at one point even he didn’t seem important– and that’s when I knew something was horribly wrong. And to think, it was all taken out of food!
Why does food have to seem so complicated? It shouldn’t be!
It hurts me to look back at some of the things I used to put myself through too, especially when I think about how many perfectly good occasions I ruined or missed out on because I was too busy thinking/being afraid of food. But it’s all in the past now, and at least we have a brighter future to look forward to 🙂
Another brilliant post Amanda! Its really true….as little kids we would never even consider depriving ourselves of wonderful treats out there… so why do it now? I think we all need to listen to that little kid inside of us a little more often!
Squeee! Mini Amanda is adorable!! I would.never ever deny that girl a piece of cake. I love this post– everyone deserves to indulge and reward themselves from time to time. I hate it when people say they should restrict due to diets or whatever. It only gets worse when that ED voice agree with those people. But no more Mr. ED, I don’t listen to that punk or the latest diet craze anymore, I go for that ice cream! 😀
I love the little treats, but my problem is they become treats too often.
Yes, it’s okay to have ice cream every once in a while, but if I’m eating a day full of once and a whiles every day…it’s just..I don’t know.
I would never deny that little girl a piece of cake though. I’m glad you can do that for yourself.
But I would so deny the little me that piece of cake because who knew that that love would develop into binge eating?
Sorry for the negative comment. I don’t mean to poop on your happy post :C
I know what you mean Katie! It’s hard to go from restricting yourself to being able to eat everything and anything you want. When I first started recovery, I ate too much of the not-so-good for you foods because it tasted amazing. I did binge a lot and often couldn’t eat a real meal because of my bad snacking. It’s all about finding a balance between those foods and food that is good for your body 🙂 Don’t worry girl! You’ll get it<3
I was just contemplating if I deserved my nighttime snack before I read your post because I didn’t do cardio today/im not really hungry Clearly I’m not thinking about it anymore and just eating it 🙂
I’ve been doing so much better with just allowing myself to eat just because but some days are better than others!
OH. MY. GOSH. That photo of you as a kid! I think we all have a photo like that.
And eep, you’re right. So many people justify what they eat, when if you think about it- when we were kids and ate anything we wanted whenever we wanted to (with out mom’s permission, of course!), we didn’t feel the need to justify it. Just eat what you crave, eh?
I got maaadddd schweaty biking to the grocery store today. Gross. It’s freakin’ hot here. My advice: Ice cream, iced tea, ice ice ice!
You’ll give me advice when it’s a bajillion below zero, right? When in reality anything below 40 degrees F is unbearably cold for me. HAHA!
I actually haven’t had ice cream in a cone in FOREVER. I’ve always been a cup kind’a gal. The drippy-ness always drove me nuts! But I’m kind-a craving one now. The last bite is always the best! Nomnomnom.
<3
I was having the cone vs. bowl debate myself today, but it’s that last bite of cone that always puts it over the top for me. And I’ll most certainly let you borrow my toque and mittens when it gets to a bajillion below zero 😉
I don’t like dogs( don’t hate meeee!), but Kaiah( pretty name!) Is gorgeous- she almost looks like a wolf or husky or something:) actually its not that I don’t like dogs , I just find them slightly terrifying.
You always come up with theee most thought provoking topics for your posts- and your always so insightful. I’m pretty good at allowing myself treats daily- sometimes I feel guilt but I try to ignore it. Saying that , my treats are generally quite healthy, I.e dark chocolate, and that’s the type of foods I normally crave- not sure how I’d handle a craving for something that’s super duper , artery cloggingly unhealthy.
Hope your power is back to normal working order- stubbing your toe is the worst!
Xxx
I’m dealing with a power outage at this very instant! A huge storm blew through and there are trees down everywhere and I’ve been without power for over five hours! Hense why it took me longer then normal to comment on ur post! Smartphones make blogging a bit difficult. I’m hoping my kombucha stays alright in my fridge I just bought it today and tried it for the first time and I am in love. Come on fridge stay cold please! HopefuLly my power comes on soon so not everything goes to waste! Enough about me, and on to that picture of you…ADORABLE!
We can’t even credit a cool storm for our power outage, it just went out for no reason. Maybe someone crashed into a transformer or something… But 5 hours without power? Eeeee. I gave up after 1 and just went to sleep, but I think we got it back in like 2.
You are such a talented writer! I can definitely relate with a lot of what you said. There used to be times where I would only eat something “bad” for me if I had worked out really hard, or times when I would justify eating anything at all by the amount of calories I had consumed already and the amount that I allotted for myself that day. Yuck…no thank you. I still sometimes let thoughts like “Oh that’s really fattening” or “I’ve already had too many calories” get in the way of my enjoying desserts- but it’s a lot better than it used to be. I’m a work in progress 🙂
As am I, but the fact that there IS progress is what’s important 😀
Your mention of grocery shopping struck a chord with me–I was with my mom at the store this morning, and only picked up three things that I deemed “safe.” And when my mom asked if that was all I wanted, I replied, “It’s not about what I want.” I know it’s an unhealthy attitude, but one that is so hard to break.
Sometimes letting go of the rules of eating taste just as good as that bowl of ice cream or handful of chips. Feeling guilty about an occasional indulgance totally ruins the fun, so why bother?
That vintage photo is awesome 😀
Love your insight, as always. Still struggling, but everyday gets just a bit better.
I had a blasty-blast going through old pics, although I cringed at some of my outfits and haircuts 😯
I have dealt with the exact same thing. When I first began recovery, I was very lucky to have my parents step in for me because I simply couldn’t give myself permission to eat anything. So they would make my food and sit with me until I ate it. Now, I’m able to make and eat all my meals and snacks but I still can’t eat outside of my meal plan. For example, once I eat lunch if I’m still hungry I won’t eat until it’s time for my snack even though I know I should. I think this may be the hardest part of recovery, allowing myself to eat whenever I need to without guilt.
Yay! You do deserve it! I still have moments, mid chocolate attack when I find myself feeling overcome with gratitude for the pure fact that I can now find enjoyment in any food that I want! I’m “allowed” to eat anything and no food is “bad”. To finally believe that is a liberating thing 🙂 xx
Last night (yes I’m so cool on a Saturday) I went to do my groceries and decided to buy my first ever pudding. You inspired me to try pudding in my oatmeal. Hot dang. Caramel, peanut butter, bananas, and oats are amaziiiiing. I will be writing my post later this evening, it was one of the best oatmeals I’ve ever had!
Samantha
http://flavorator.blogspot.com/
I’m glad to hear that you liked them. I’m so hopelessly addicted. It’s crazy.
YES okay this line “Remember going grocery shopping with your mom when you were little, and asking her for that pack of cookies or that box of sugary cereal? Remember the disappointment that you felt when she said no? ” totally resonates with me! i rmbr how treats used to be a treat and then when i had my ED it was like.. the complete opposite! butnow its all back to normal!