It’s time to be honest.
Not that I normally sit here and lie to you guys, but blogging is a selective truth-telling, isn’t it? Bloggers choose what to share and what to remain mum about, thereby creating the type of life they want to project to their audience – it’s not exactly a lie, but neither is it 100% accurate. No big deal, right? Ehhh… Not exactly.
It can be a big deal when a blogger tries to pass off a disordered lifestyle as a healthy one. Overexercising. Undereating. Cutting out entire food groups/macros. We’ve all seen it. And no, before you jump to any conclusions, I haven’t been running in secret or cutting out carbs – I’m still very much enjoying my walks and cupcakes…
…but what I’ve been choosing to remain silent about is the guilt that sometimes accompanies those cupcakes. I know I may come across as being completely carefree and relaxed when it comes to food, and while that’s true in most cases, there are still times where I get hit with some serious food-related guilt…
It’s not an easy thing to admit, especially when people are constantly telling you how much of an inspiration you are, but I don’t want to paint an inaccurate picture of myself, and I definitely don’t want anyone to feel bad about any struggles they may be experiencing themselves because they look at me and think that’s the way recovery should be.
I’m not perfect, I have bad days too. Heck, the reason that today’s post came up so late is because I spent the majority of the morning in a rotten mood and the gray cloud that was floating over my head made it hard to come up with anything good to say. It happens – that’s life. I choose not to talk about those things too much because I would rather focus on more positive ones, but that doesn’t mean that everything around here is sunshine and rainbows all the time. It’s definitely not.
Going back to food guilt… Yes, there are still occasions where I feel guilty after eating something indulgent, and no, I don’t take that as a sign that I’m still sick. Honestly, I think everyone experiences food-related guilt to a certain degree, regardless of whether they’ve suffered from an eating disorder or not – the difference is in how they deal with it. Avoidance. Compensation. Distraction. Self-harm. The coping strategies are endless. But my personal favorite? Acknowledging and letting go.
Yes it’s there; this far into recovery and it’s still there. But I’m not going to beat myself up for it or see it as a life sentence because this far into recovery and it’s there to a much lesser degree than it was before. This far into recovery and it doesn’t cause me to avoid the foods I want to eat. This far into recovery and it’ll only keep getting better from here. It may not be gone but it’s far less potent than it used to be, and I’d rather focus on that than the fact that it’s still something that I have to deal with.
So there you have it, the honest-to-God truth. I apologize for not bringing up this kind of thing more often, and for potentially portraying an image of myself that isn’t entirely accurate, but the main reason I don’t is because thoughts like that are more of an itch in the back of my mind than anything else, and they never translate to any sort of action. Still, I’m constantly torn between the side of me that wants to blog about those thoughts and the side that feels like they don’t deserve any attention… Any advice on what to do?
. – . – . – .
Do you ever experience food-related guilt? How do you deal with it?
Which do you prefer? Honesty or positivity in blogging?
I’m making my way through an Anorexia Workbook right now and the chapter I’m on is called Mindful Observation. It’s all about being aware of how you feel, accepting it (not denying it!), letting it run its course, and then being aware of how it dissipates and becomes replaced with a different feeling. It’s not always pleasant, but it’s healthier than denying a feeling.
Don’t worry about feelings you have. Feelings will happen, and as long as you aren’t taking action in an attempt to change that feeling then you are still as strong as you portray yourself to be. It is not a weakness to feel. Never forget that.
“It is not a weakness to feel” <--- Love this. Thanks so much for it. Stickied and stuck on the wall 🙂
Girl, I love you because of your honesty. I personally find it really difficult to write about my struggles sometimes as well, but I’m sure I’ll feel better if I let it all out. And that is what I’m working on! Keep doing what you do hun, you are truly amazing <3
I ADMIRE you and see it at true courage to be able to admit struggles. Not everyone can or is willing to. Positivity is great but if it’s fake, where does that leave you? It’s hard to get help and move forward at that point. AWESOME job for being real.
i think the guilt sets in more if we don’t “feel” good after either, yes? But i find just going for a walk or getting my butt outside from fresh air helps. I know, such a cliche answer, but taking the focus off of it is what’s needed, yes?
this is a brave post. and i truly appreciate your honesty. we all (i think – at least women ha) have guilt sometimes after an indulgence and it is just damn tough. but you are right to acknowledge it and move on and not give it any power. that is all you can do. to be honest like this is so brave and it reminds me i should do this more on my blog. you have a great balance between the two. be real – but we read blogs to be happy so i don’t think there is anything wrong with focusing on the positive with interjections of these types of posts.
great post girl!!!
I totally know what you are talking about!
I am actually really bad at dealing with food guilt, so whenever I indulge in bad food, I almost always regret it, and it is something I’ve been really trying to work on.
Usually the best way for me to cope is to take a nap or relax and listen to music to get my mind off it!
My goal is to have something that I find indulgent and delicious (like a big, huge caprese sandwich with butter/olive oil coating the bread – yum) and feel NO GUILT!
I’m not much of a dessert person, so indulgent meals, like pastas and pizzas, are my biggest food challenges!
Thanks for being so honest 🙂
about two years ago i found your blog. i was having the hardest time of my life. i had/ have an ed and yours was the first blog i ever read. it was then that i first understood that i was sick. i started recovering and gained 20 pounds until now. everybody has guilt days some bad some worse. just because you dont adress it so much dosnt mean its not there. i know. i have those too but i seem to manage them better every day. be proud of yourself. iam thankful for your writing.
I don’t j
Know if this will help, but I used to suffer extreme guilt after eating, after suffering from anorexia for 9 years. I’ve always been very interested in French culture and their way of life, so I did some research into how they enjoy food so much. The results were quite amazing, and I found that eating became easier. Then, I was reading a magazine that interviewed a famous French chef, and when he was asked what his ‘guilty pleasure’ was, he replied ‘I refuse to feel guilty about food’. And it just struck out to me. So much so that I cut out the quote and put it by my bed (it’s still there!) and vowed I’d never feel guilty for eating again, and I truly haven’t!
That’s really amazing, Aimee, and it’s something I’ve definitely noticed as well whenever I visit Europe. Maybe we all need to consider moving there 😉
Beautiful post! So many things have been already said, so I might cut it short (I try:-)) – from my blog you know how guilty I still feel pertaining to food. And you know, I think we are the authors of our blog and we decide what to write and when – and it is again the decision of the readers if they want to be part of the readership or not. To be honest, I was amazed by how relaxed you are with foodthings considering your past. And I know you are, so a tiny corner of guilt is totally fine, right?? Have a fab day, love. xxx
Girl, you’re human! For one, this is your space, and it is your choice what you put here – so no need to apologize for anything. And two – I don’t think I have ever met a single person who doesn’t feel guilty for indulging. Even the most self-confident, happiest people I know will regret that extra cookie now and then. And I think you’ve said it right, that acknowledging and letting go is the right way about it. Remember. Human. <3
Oh em gee- I can’t believe you weren’t 100% honest, Amanda! —> TOTAL sarcasm if it wasn’t apparent :)! One of the reasons why I love your blog is because you say it as it is! Recovering from an ED is hard and along with blogging about the good times, you have shared some of your struggles in the past. If talking more about your struggles makes you feel better, I absolutely think you should blog about them. However I can completely understand your point about not wanting to give too much attention to it- I personally find that the more time I spend talking about a particular issue and dwelling on it, the more mental energy I devote to it and ultimately it ends up consuming my thoughts. Either way, I’ll still be reading and rootin’ for you!
As for the food guilt, I think you summed it up perfectly: we all experience it but the difference is in how we react to it. Imagine if it was a few years back- chances are that eating the cupcake would have meant you eating less the rest of the day, sprinting, and putting on a smile to portray to everyone around that you are “fine”. I am guessing you didn’t do either of the first 2.
I sometimes do still feel guilty when I overindulge but luckily it’s more of a momentary feeling. Rather than beat myself over it, I try to focus on the enjoyment factor and also remind myself that there is more to life than worrying about eating too much/not working out enough.
(Sorry for the ramble)!
i think it’s great you can be honest in admitting you had food guilt, because i am at that point in my recovery too, where yes, i can be in the situations, be more accepting of them, but still think about it after the fact, which is reality, we shouldn’t.
but i think being honest with your readers is one thing, but you also need to be honest with yourself. i always like to think i am so much more recovered than i actually am. it’s that halfway point of where we can recognize ED thoughts and fight them most of the time, but feeling the guilt afterwards might be a sign to you that you’re not as recovered as you think. you’re just in a new comfort zone. now i am in NO way denouncing any of your progress because i know you have come such a long way and have accomplished so much, but maybe take these feelings as a sign of progress yet to be made. does that make sense? i don’t want to sound harsh or rude, i am just in the exact same place, but i know i’m stuck, i just don’t know how to break past it.
ED are so tricky and they sneak up on us when we think they’re gone, i just want the best for you and want you to eat that cupcake and NEVER feel the guilt afterwards. i wish that for everyone!!
<33
Don’t worry, girlie – definitely not being harsh or rude. You’re probably right that it’s a sign of progress still to be made, but I honestly don’t know what steps I’d have to take to get there. In the past, things kind of had a way of working themselves out alone and diminishing with time, so I’m guessing that the same thing will happen with this. It’s already a lot better than it used to be, so maybe a little bit of patience is all it takes.
im glad your honest ! its good to get it out there.. your human though and will have those food related guilt time from time def and your 100% right its how you choose to deal with it.. over the holidays i really got upset time from time and instead of eating close to nothing the next day/meal i would get over it and move on.. i have a quote as my background on my comp it says “the truth is, unless you let go, unless u forgive urself, unless u forgive the situation, unless u realize the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” and i remind myself of that everytime i struggle with that guilt !!
Oh Sweetie! Thank you so much for this post. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write, but your honesty just shines girl. You are exactly right when you said everyone has some sort of food guilt from time to time. It happens, were only human…. and women.
<3
I think food related guilt is the NORM nowadays in society .. it would be even weirder to find someone without any sort of guilt whatsoever after an indulgence.. probably due to the effect of the mass media and the portrayal of the ideal woman. Sadly.
Thank you so much for sharing this inspirational post. Trust me when I say that you are not alone. Every day is a new day that I must tackle and work toward finding a balance between making healthy choices, indulging, and managing my emotions that resolve around food. I am trying to take it day by day, but some days are better than others. Thank you for the reminder that letting go of those feelings of guilt is incredibly important and can be so freeing! Also, thanks for reminding me that I am not perfect and I do not have to be! 🙂
At the risk of sounding incredibly corny… you are perfect, just the way you are 🙂
Sometimes I experience this too…ok actually alot, and then the next day I work out super hard to make up for it and then I go super strict for a few days, Im not going to lie 🙂 And then sometimes I dont care, I guess it just depends 🙂
i’ve been thinking about writing this exact post for a while now and i guess i’ll just link to your blog and say ’nuff said 🙂 you seem to always put into more eloquent words than i ever could exactly how i’m feeling. i definitely have some food guilt but i’m working on it a lot and your blog helps me so much, just so you know. you being honest about your struggle with it helps even more – always good to know i’m not alone. and like sarah said – we will get there! and we might as well eat cupcakes along the way. it’ll certainly make the ride tastier 🙂
I think we’re in the exact same place right now. Literally exactly. It’s easy to pretend all is hunky dory because you can enjoy a cupcake (…or four) but there is still that underlying guilt that really puts you in a rotton mood. This weekend I made the mistake of forgetting to pack a snack for my brother’s lacrosse game and when my parents suggested stopping at panera for a late lunch, I literally threw a temper tantrum. As in, borderline screaming in the car. And I’m almost 21 years old. So while we’re mostly there, it’s expected that we’ll have bad days. We’ll get there. I believe in you 🙂
amanda 🙂 i don’t know if i have advice because i guess i often feel the same thing…though i know im still not in a good mindset, some fears arise (though often from fear of being sick or having a stomach/ibs attack) from some (most) foods. but honestly…i think i always sort of felt some guilt, i guess not when i was quite little, but for a lot of my childhood i knew that treats were, ‘treats’ and would ask or seek reassurance that i could eat them. but now it just seems like it comes with it, automatic. i don’t know how people don’t think about it (and it seems like hardly anyone doesn’t, so many people associate guilt or ‘treat’ with things like that and give themselves an excuse to have/not have a treat. but you’re pushing forward and although it might not be totally carefree, weee…it’s likely a huge stride from where you were a little while ago. so please remember that. i feel like so many bloggers put a huge amount of pressure on feeling ‘right’ or ‘normal’, and i guess it’s not my place to but it because maybe they did feel totally normal eating absolutely anything before their eds…but it wasn’t the case for me. i’m sorry im not helping and just blabbering…but i wanted to write a message and i am feeling really sick and scared and not good so i thought it might cheer me up to leave a little message. keep trying things, and i think the feelings will start to diminish. i know that it takes small steps, and if you would not have been able to eat a certain thing without an overwhelming sense of guilt, panic attack, etc a little while ago then i think that this is an accomplishment. but please try not to worry, and keep eating what you love ;P xox
Thank you for your message, Jenn 🙂 You raised some really great points, and I’ll definitely keep doing what I’m doing. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re not feeling well, though 🙁 If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to send me an e-mail!
Love this post! I know I experience food guilt sometimes. I still eat my dessert though 🙂
I think you’re even more amazing for being honest and posting this, love. Truly I do. I (personally) never thought you were hiding anything or trying to make life better than it was…I figured what you said…you focus more on the positives and how far you’ve come than anything else, so that even when you do have the negative thoughts, you realize that they aren’t what they used to be and don’t affect your behavior anymore…I love it when I’m right 😉
Thank you for being honest — food guilt is something pretty much everyone in the blog world can relate to! But in some ways, I feel like this guilt is a remnant of an ED and not something most “normal people” (people who have never experienced an ED) experience. While yes, it’s true that you choose not to act on it in an unhealthy way (and neither do I, for that matter), I don’t think that being in a bad mood for half the day because of an indulgence is exactly “normal”… (ok, so that would mean you’re “crazy”!!?! lol, no, bad wording!!!)
But see, I don’t remember this tremendous guilt before my ED and people I know who never had an ED can’t say they experience that kind of guilt either. For them, it’s more like “I probably shouldn’t have eaten that…. ah well, it was good and I just won’t do it again!” And of course they do it again, but it’s never a big deal.
So I don’t know! VERY interesting topic though… thanks for the food for thought 🙂
I actually don’t think my bad mood had anything to do with food guilt – it was just one of those days. I woke up in a funk and felt tired and cranky for most of the day. My guilt is more along the lines of “I kind of wish I hadn’t eaten that…,” especially if I didn’t enjoy it as much as I would have liked to.
Heck yea I deal with food guilt. Who doesn’t? On the other hand, not everyone’s so honest. I think it was nice to hear, but I don’t want you to beat yourself up about the food guilt OR the honest post guilt. 🙂 Just keep being awesome!
Amen is all I can say. I applaud you for being so honest because as you said I hate when bloggers don’t address their clearly disordered behavior, or make it like life is perfect and dandy. those are usually the blogs I have huge blinders on for when I read or I don’t even read them. I think this is so normal and nothing to be ashamed of, heck I know I feel this way a lot but it is all about acknowledging it. When I talk it out and let others know how I feel, I feel so much better like I am not keeping it that dirty little secret like the ED would want. If that makes sense…
Perfect sense. ED’s make us secretive and we end up hiding our behaviors from others because we fear they’ll try to take our ED’s away. Being honest means we don’t want to keep them – it’s a good thing 🙂
I don’t know that I actually experience food related guilt but I do experience food remorse.
I love a treat just as much as the next person but when it comes to over-consuming, that just makes me feel like sh*t, both physically and mentally. If I am staying on track and eating healthy while enjoying treats sparingly, no problem. But take the holidays for example. I had many days of food remorse and would even find myself eating something when I didn’t want it.
When I eat my treats, I want to ENJOY them and not worry about having negative feelings afterwards.
Thanks for sharing and being honest with us!!
I always prefer honesty to positivity. Blogging is a career for some, but more than that, it’s therapy. Isn’t it about making us all into our very best selves?
Thank goodness for this post. This is exactly the reason why I’m glad BNS was shut down. I had started trading in positivity for honesty. And I simply can’t do it anymore. CI is just me. Raw me. And while that’s petrifying, I’m infinitely better because of it.
We think that you’re an inspiration because you are one, not because you don’t struggle but because you are trying your damn hardest every single second of every day. And that is evident.
I would gladly trade an always happy Spoons for a Spoons who lets me know that she’s in a funk and needs support, because you know what? We all have those times.
I’m craving a cupcake SO badly, but I don’t want one. Why? Not because I think it will make me fat, but I’m afraid that the anxiety that I know will follow will ruin my enjoyment.
I know without a doubt that you are going to work hard to move past this. But pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease do NOT hesitate to text me if you’re having a moment. I find it usually goes away the moment that I say something out loud. I might not get back to you immediately if I’m at work, but you’d better believe that I’ll be with you in spirit when I feel that vibration in my pocket and will get back to you STAT.
I love you very, very much and hope that you know that. You have been SO there for me, I would LOVE to be able to do the same for you. Not because I feel indebted, but because you deserve it. xoxox
But where’s the anxiety coming from if it’s not that you think it’ll make you gain weight? Just a thought 😉 And thank you for the offer, hun… I’ll definitely be taking you up on that.
I love your honesty, and I love that you shared it with us! I love when bloggers are honest. I think sometimes people believe that us bloggers have picture perfect lives when in fact… we are just normal people with normal problems!
Once again you’ve given more proof of yourself being an inspiration. Really, I prefer honesty to the “it’s all smiles and butterflies in my world” bloggers and I know how hard being honest can be. It’s okay you still feel guilty about food at times. Even my non-eating disordered friends say these things at times and then get over it again after a while – usually a lot faster than me. Don’t feel bad about it! You really have come so far already and it struggling in a few points doesn’t make you less of an inspiration. If you feel like blogging about these thoughts – maybe to get advice from others – do it. I’d guess it depends on the individual case in point :).
Yes, I experience food guilt a lot more often than I like to admit. It’s a work in progress and I’m determined to get this down to a minimum. Even if I wasn’t able to get rid of it completely I’d still be happy if it was the same way as for you: Far less potent than now.
Here is the thing (and I actually have a post about this tomorrow). I think there is a point that you pass once knowing more about nutrition that eating a cupcake or two is not going to make you feel the greatest. I am not in any means saying that it should make you feel terrible, but for a split second you think…maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that. The bloggers that post “oh my stars cupcakes and cake make me feel so good at the time, I eat dessert everyday and life is awesome”…well I don’t for one second believe them.
Love how you spelled this out. Really looking forward to reading your post…
Honesty in blog posts are the best. You don’t want to force positivity if you’re just not feeling it that day. I experience food guilt as well, always wondering if I should eat those chips, or indulge in whatever it is that isn’t “good” for me. I just remember all the positive eating I’ve done and let the guilt go, much like you were saying: recognize it and let it go.
I think you already know that I feel food related guilt- far more than what I’d like to (Heck, I’d like to never have it at all). But on ‘good’ days, when I’m feeling stronger mentally, I tell myself that rather than feel guilty for what I’ve just eaten, I should be happy that I am obviously that much more closer to recovery because there was a time when I never would have done what I just did. It’s not a ‘failure’, it’s a success. It’s progress. It’s freedom.
And I have to say that you having posted this just made my respect for you and this blog go up ten fold- even more than how much I already respect you. This has just made me love you 🙂 I’ve followed SO many other blogs where I can tell, the bloggers are either not being honest about how ‘recovered’ they are, or they’re trying to make me believe that their ‘healthy eating’ isn’t really an ED. Some people I really do think are okay, but other blogs I literally had to stop reading because (as someone with an ED myself), I recognized WAY too many of the signs that the blogger was trying to fool not only the readers, but themselves into thinking that they weren’t using their blog as a way of keeping them in the disorder.
So thank you for your honesty. I’m genuinely sad to hear that you have had these thoughts, but I am also totally understanding of them. My bf tells me a lot when I’m at my worst that unfortunately, recovery isn’t going to mean that I can forget everything I ‘learned’ in the ED. I’m never going to be able to unlearn all I know about calories, carbs, sugars, fats, exercise, all those facts that I’ve been using to keep myself in the disorders. But he tells me that what I can do, is decide to just choose freedom and recovery in spite of all the ‘knowledge’ I have that really just resulted in my bondage (hey, that rhymed lol). It’s not easy, but it will make me all the more stronger. I think that’s the hardest part about recovery for me- if I could forget everything I ‘know’ about food over the past four years, I think this would be easy.
Hang in there <3
I know what you mean, girl. Sometimes I wish I had never learned all the things I know about nutrition… BUT! on the plus side, even though you can’t unlearn it, you can get to a point where it’s not something you really care about or pay attention to.
Believe me, you don’t have to worry about losing your inspirational status with this post – admitting that you still struggle with food guilt and you’re able to get past it is ridiculously inspiring in itself.
As for the honesty vs. positivity debate, it’s hard to know where to draw the line. On one hand, it is not ok at ALL for a seriously disordered blogger to portray herself as “I’m so healthy! I love how I eat and exercise!” when you can tell that it’s not true. That sort of thing is so, so dangerous for readers. But at the same point, you don’t really want to announce to the world that you’re struggling or having a bad day, you know?
Really, your honesty here just makes you come off as HUMAN – even in a recovered state, we still get those thoughts sometimes – I know I do. You just come off as even more relatable by struggling once in a while. But my biggest point here: you are amazing and I adore you! <3
The feeling is mutual, m’dear <3 <3
I think we all feel food guilt every now & then. 😉
When I blog I try to focus on positivity more often than not, but like you, today I was in a bit of a funk & just kind of spilled my guts out & my turmoil over how I should eat vs. how my body feels best.. and then there’s just what my brain wants… oy. It’s enough to make one’s head spin. Like you, I don’t want to be fake or steer people into the wrong things… I’m just being truthful in what works for me & how I feel. That’s all we can really do… we’re only human too… no one is perfect & no one should expect us to be either.
A lot of people I talked to seemed to have goofy days today – maybe it was just something in the air. Hope you’re feeling better, Karey!
Thank you, I am some. Same to you!! 🙂
Hang in there girl! We all go through tougher days but I know you will come out on the bright side. You are already an inspiration to so many through your blog!
Honesty. Unequivocally.
But I don’t see you as ever having been purposefully deceptive anyway. It’s easy to get carried away with freedoms etc. when things are good and be slightly overly ebullient sometimes – you never held yourself up as some fitness/health guru like some bloggers out there.
And I don’t think you’ve ever told me in a post to ‘love myself’ either. So obviously major points there.
I think the blog is a reflection of you so your posts should be as well. I honestly enjoy all your posts because they don’t feel forced. If you feel you need to talk about something or bring it up I absolutely would, I think to feel a need to write about certain things or avoid writing about certain things would diminish the integrity of your blog. I personally find you to be one of the most relatable bloggers so I hope you don’t feel the need to change : )
Thank you, TJ 🙂 I appreciate it.
It’s awesome that you could be so honest in this post! I really appreciate it when bloggers are upfront instead of hiding disordered habits. That being said, I think it depends on the type of blog. If it’s a recovery blog, I think honesty is important. But if the author is recovered and they don’t use their blog as a platform to talk about their history with an ED, then I don’t think that mentioning it is really relevant.
I still feel food guilt sometimes too. But it’s just a brief afterthought and then I get over it instead of dwelling on it, like I did in the past.
I like a balance, just like what I feel you do. You share a lot of cold hard truth, but you have a lot of good and light in your life too. I find blogs that are too real and down all the time to be boring, and likewise with blogs that always show that life is happy. I like real-ness, and balance.
Keep doing what you do.