Hey guys! Hope you’ve been having a marvelous Monday!
Count on my crazy body to completely lose it’s sweet tooth the day after I profess my love for all things sugary. Rebel without a cause, I tell ya š But when you’re just not feeling it, there’s no use forcing it, right? Which is why most of today’s meals and snacks ended up leaning a lot more towards the savory side…
Homemade snack mix made with roasted almonds, cinnamon Puffins, and raisins.
Annie’s Mac&Cheese with a hardboiled egg.
String cheese – Popchips and Metromint orangemint water.
Pumpkin hummus tortilla pizza.
It never fails to amaze me how things always seem to have a way of balancing out in the end. I used to think that I had to carefully monitor and control everything I ate in order to ensure that I was gettingĀ the ideal balance of carbs, proteins, and fats, on an everyday basis. Because, you know, if I wasn’t on top of things, my body obviously wouldn’t know what to do and everything would fall apart [read: bullish*t].
I began tracking my macros out of pure curiosity – it was an innocent ‘experiment’ thatĀ quickly spiralled into a full-blown obsession and wound up doing me a lot more harm than good. It wasn’t bad enough that a significant portion of my day was devoted to planning and logging every.single.thing that passed my lips, but it eventually got to the point where I began to completely ignore my cravings just to ensure that I ended the day with the ‘perfect’ ratio of macros – a rather arbitrary value that I pulled from random Internet sites or fitness magazines.
This went on forĀ years. Monitoring. Controlling. Adjusting…. Ugh! Eventually I grew to hate how much time and effort it took –Ā I felt like a child who had just gotten her allowance and was trying to figure out what to spend the money on…Ā Okay, I’m allowed this many more grams of carbs and this many more grams of fat… what’s the best [read: cleanest/healthiest] thing I can spend that allowance on? Needless to say, it was a bit stressful,Ā but the amount of ‘safety’ it gave me was something that I wasn’t quite willing to give up. I was addicted to knowing, and controlling,Ā exactly what went into my body – it made me feel safe.
Eventually, though, it started to get old. I don’t remember exactly what it was that prompted me to stop, but I’m pretty sure it all came down to sheer frustration. I hated how much effort that sort of micromanagement took, and I hated how I wasn’t able to eat the foods I so badly craved just because they didn’t ‘fit’ into my plan. Needless to say, the online calculators and notebooks didn’t last much longer after that.
I’m not going to lie – it was hard as hell at first. I felt completely lost, and for a long time I had absolutely no idea what or how I should eat. I struggled through days where I thought I ate too many carbs, and I struggled through days where I didn’t know if I got enough protein. I struggled with not knowing what my next meal should be because I struggled with not knowing what my macros were up to that point.Ā In short, it was a whole lot of struggling.
But it wasĀ so worth it.
After a while, I got used to not knowing, and eventually even came to enjoy my ignorance. The world didn’t come to an end nor did I fall over dead because I ate too many carbs or too little protein. Huh… what do you know? I was doing alright on my own.Ā And even after all this time, I’mĀ still doing alright. These days I don’t count calories, carbs, fats, or proteins, and I can honestly say that I feel better than I have in a long time. There are days where I undereat and there are days where I overeat. There are days where I hardly eat any protein at all, and there are days where I just want to attack a roast chicken with nothing but my teeth. It all balances out in the end.
I know there are people who control their macros for professional/health reasons, but I honestly don’t think it’s necessary or even healthy for the average person. Our bodies aren’t static machines that operate on a set of ‘ideal’ numbers – they’re fluid, living things that exist in a world that’s constantly changing and that requires them to change with it. Some days we need more of this, and some days we need more of that.Ā In the end, it’s all about the big picture.
I can honestly say that I’ll never go back to paying any sort of detailed attention to the food I eat,Ā because to me, it’s just not worth it.Ā IĀ think that micromanaging every single aspect of our lives defeats the purpose ofĀ maybe living a few years longer, and a life of carefree freedom is much moreĀ marvelousĀ š
(PS – I finally finished writing up the first little bit of my story, so feel free to check that out if you’re interested)
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Do you or have you ever tracked your macros? Did you find it helpful or hindering?
I’m obsessed with your writing style. I get such pleasure out of reading all your posts, they’re beautiful! I went through a phase where I randomly, for the same reason of curiosity as you, decided to count calories. This went on for 2-3 months and literally made me go bat-shit crazy. I quickly gave it up and realized that people are not meant to live and feed on numbers. Food isn’t a number. It never was and shouldn’t be now. I’m so glad you were able to break the vicious counting cycle! You are the evidence that people need in order to understand that the human body is smarter than and “diet” program š
I used to have a huge amount of notebooks completely covered in calorie counts, calories burnt, measurements of veggies. Oh my gosh I was a mess. I literally weighed all my veggies/fruit/EVERYTHING and added it on the computer as well as in a notebook. I mean, who even has time for all of that ha ha. So sad. My roommate at the time thought I was nuts I’m pretty sure. I still have mine, and don’t know if I should throw them out. I’m not sure yet if its a positive or negative thing to have these as “reminders”. I mean its just silly to do all this, unless your training for a competition and need to or something. I just see it as unhealthy and obsessive now. I do still measure things, I can’t let go of that one and still calorie count. Hopefully someday I’ll get over those ones! I guess it takes time though. I’m so happy to hear you aren’t obsessing over these things, your mindset on these things is so refreshing and your just amazing in general:)
You’ll get over it, Lisa š I never thought it would be something I could do, but now I can’t imagine ever going back. It just takes time, and a little bit of frustration doesn’t hurt either. I think it becomes a lot easier to ditch the habit when you really realize how miserable it makes you and just get plain pissed off.
Oh Amanda, every.single.post. you write is so true!
Those are the thoughts none of the other “health” bloggers dares to share.
It’s not about control. It’s not about the best and healthiest way. IT IS FOOD. And you truly can trust your body.
When i got too much into exercising i tried to control my intake and ended up bingeing because of the stress i put on myself. Now i still work out 6 days a week but i don’t control my eats anymore – and i’m happy to see that my body craves what it really needs. And i feel better than ever before. Sometimes i still roughly count the calories in my head and always end up around 2000cals per day, sometimes more or less. And i don’t need to calculate anything. My body does.
I mean… all those things you wrote about in the last days… THAT is healthy eating to me.
Having treats. NOT beating you up for (way)too many cookies, but also being able to just eat a salad with chicken without labelled disordered etc.
We need to stop caring so much about all that. Why do we do that? Now that i’m busy in college, i don’t have the time to read all the blogs anymore and my mind is kept off this topic. It’s just about meeting friends, learning, reading(relaxing), the exercise i enjoy and food i like.
Damn. Something need to be changed in this blog world. No wonder that everyone is still stuck in their disodered thought if they don’t break the tight connection to this topic. You’re the first one to admit and LIKE to tell that she’s eating normally and enjoying it.
The way you eat doesn’t make a person special…just disordered
your snack mix sounds great! I love cinnamon puffins š
I’ve actually never tracked my macros.. I’ve always wanted to but never understood how to start it.. but I do count my calories and I’m with you there– it definitely does get obsessive. I’m trying to break out of the habit now lol
Awww yes, the good old food journals. I still have mine, though I have gone through most of them and tossed them. I keep my journals from those days to remember how I was FEELING but try to toss my food journals so I dont remember how I was EATING. I need that to be far far out of my mind. I dont want to forget how I FELT though, because that is what is going to keep me from going back there!
It’s the same for me – I like to remember the dark times because it’s a great way to keep me from ever going back, and thankfully, the way I ate back then isn’t appealing in the slightest either… I’ll keep my cookies and ice cream thank you very much š
For a brief period of time (about 2months) I counted calories like it was my job. I limited myself to..ahh..1000 calories a day. It was awful. On top of that I worked out burning at least half of that everyday. I don’t know what I was thinking, but thank god that didn’t last long. It was too much! I now eat..whatever I want! Well..aside from the obvious (vegan diet all the way!) I balance my diet with running and other workouts and I have never been happier with my body and energy! I am so glad you now listen to your body and fill it with what it craves! That savory homemade snack mix looks amazing.
This post is speaking to my soul right now…I recently went through the same exact thing. Trying to increase my protein intake to a certain number goal each and every day. So much thought and planning, just to eat a meal. Read: I can eat that muffin but only if I have egg whites for dinner because I need a high enough source of protein. Um, what?? You’re right…our bodies let us know what we need when we need it. I have days where all I want is peanut butter, followed by days where I really just want some chicken. It all balances out, but it was definitely a struggle to stop counting and controlling everything! Still working on it a bit.
I used to track and it was NEEDED in my recovery, but like you as recovery progressed and the eating disorder left my mind I got so sick of it. Food is so much more enjoyable and I am better able to listen to my body because of it! You are right, our bodies are fluid, there SO many pathways for nutrients which is why I love learning metabolic nutrition so much. It is almost impossible to predict where those CHO or Lipids or Proteins are going from a single meal!
I never, ever, ever count my calories or macros anymore. I, like you, used to be obsessed with tracking these numbers. Now that I’ve stopped, I will admit that the ignorance is sometimes agitating. What helps sometimes it stripping myself down to the root of the issue. It’s.just.food. It’s something you need, like air. Do we count the number of breaths we take each day? Monitor how deep they are? Challenge ourselves to take more or less? Sometimes it helps me to tell myself that I was put on the earth to live and food is just something to fuel living. Like gas. EAT TO LIVE! Not LIVE TO EAT!
Sorry for rambling… I don’t have a blog so it appears that this comment is today’s preferred outlet of expression!
No need to apologize – that’s a really great point, and definitely a good thing to keep in mind any time any sort of struggle arises.
This is funny because I was just writing a post about how just one day of calculating my macros has screwed me up. I find myself scared to have too many carbs or not enough protein which is just a recipe for disaster. This post is such an inspiration because I know I need help to change the patterns I have been sucked into. If it’s not calories, it’s another thing. I’m glad things have worked out and you are happier now…I hope I can get to the same place š
You definitely can, it’s just about how much you’re willing to fight for it. It becomes easier when it really hits you that your ED steals so much from you… the anger and frustration that arise are actually really great tools in recovery, I’ve found. I know it’s hard to imagine anything better, especially if you’ve been living with an ED for a long time, but life doesn’t have to be that way… you just have to be willing to make some changes, even if they’re small at first š
I actually never really counted calories or macronutrients – but it sounds exhausting! I totally agree with you that I don’t think it’s necessary at all. Our bodies aren’t going to start malfunctioning if we eat too little protein one day – it all balances out in the end! I’d much rather just eat what I feel like. š
I think having a general feel for what your body likes is different to actually tracking macros – I know that right now (and as you have rightly pointed out – out bodies are always changing!) I like to eat more fat and protein than carbs, but I just know that from noticing what feels good for me – its not a shape I ‘force’ myself to adhere to – I’d love to know who the hell decided that whatever proportion of macros was ‘ideal’ although I know that for some people seeking to lose weight then having an awareness can help them.
Hi love!
LOVE puffins! I actually don’t buy them as much because they are dangerous! I had my best friend buy a box last week since she never tried them and she fell in love!
I never counted macros, but I know it is great for some people! Not for me š
SO happy you joined in for MIMM! <3
your comment about your body being fluid and not needed a certain number of anything each day really hits home. some days you need more of a particular macro and some days you need less. i need to really learn to embrace this idea more.
Seriously…how did something as natural as eating become such a complex process! Like you, I went through a period of being heavily focused on the numbers. Initially it was just a concern of calories and then it moved onto striking the “right” macro balance. Every meal had to include protein & fruit/veggies, not too much carbs, etc etc. Describing it as ‘mentally exhausting’ doesn’t even begin to cut it. It’s a shame how much time & energy I wasted on it. While counting & tallying can be a healthy habit uptil a certain point, there’s a fine line between it turning obsessive. I actually want to lose a few pounds and considered tracking my calories. I decided against doing so because I don’t want to go down that road again of becoming obsessive with every morsel that goes in my mouth. It’s not a fun place to be in at all.
I blame being bombarded with so much contradictory ‘evidence’. That and it seems like being on a diet, counting calories, and tracking macros are pretty much seen as the ‘norm’ these days – it’s like everyone is doing it, so why not?! /sarcasm
I definitely think that tracking can be a useful tool, but eventually we learn more or less how we should eat, and then the tracking turns into borderline obsession. It’s great to hear that you’re not going down that route š
For me, counting macros became just as destructive as counting calories — it indulges our addictive and obsessive thought processes. In fact, it’s no longer so much the calorie counting that has stayed with me into recovery (I’ve moved past them on the whole), but the watching my macro ratios has stuck. Especially the protein-to-carb calculations. And I know that I need to move past it — incorporating healthy fats and re-introducing sugar were HUGE steps — but it’s still something that I need to work on. I love that you brought up this topic!! Incredibly deep!!
Ps. I’ve been looking to try Annie’s (total challenge, but I think I’m up for it!!) — do you enjoy it?
It’s definitely a hard habit to break, but you’ve already made such good progress so I have no doubt that you’ll be able to get past this as well š And yesssss Annie’s is amazing! If you loved KD, then you’ll love Annie’s. It was a challenge for me as well, but so totally worth it.
I am so glad you posted about this today, because I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I do track my calories and macros through an app and while it was kind of fun at first, now it feels like it’s something I ‘have’ to do. I don’t obsessively track my calories as much as I used to when I was at my worst, but now it’s morphed into more of an obsession over getting the ‘right’ ratio of macros. I admit that I fall for the protein and carb myths, and feel like I have to have more protein and fewer carbs. It’s just so hard to let go of that mindset and to let go of the need to track everything that goes in my mouth. I love the idea of intuitive eating, I just can’t seem to do it myself!
SO true. Our bodies change day by day, needing different nutrients every hour. Thanks for this post, my dear, you’re always such an amazing lady with words.
Aaaaand I just realized that it is because if YOU that I always broccoli up my tortilla pizzas, and need to remember to do it with my regular, monster-sized pizza pies.
Happy Monday, missy!!
Don’t worry, I ate enough sweets today for the both of us š I made a chocolate zucchini cake with chocolate ganache last night (amaaazzzingg!!). So tonight, while I was watching the debate, I wanted a piece of cake but there are no commercials during the debates so I had to rush to the kitchen, cut a piece, and rush back so I wouldn’t miss anything. Well, I cut a HUGE piece without really paying attention. So, I just had to eat it all… darn š
As for my macros, I don’t track them regularly. On occasion, I’ll enter in a meal to MyPlate on Livestrong just for sh*ts and giggles or if I am curious how much of a certain macro was in a meal, but really… it’s so time consuming! Looking up every ingredient and entering the amount would take too long for me to do all the time. Overall, I feel like I pretty much just naturally consume around the same amount each day, give or take a bit. I eat when I am hungry AND when I have cravings (probably a little too much on the latter!), but I’m not eating a bunch of processed junk food or anything like that, so I’m not worried. š
My heavens, this was post was so beautiful & full of complete dedication. I’m so proud of you for giving up something that held you back. You are healthy, and I love the fact that you’ve done it w/o the books or calculators telling you what you can or cannot eat.
I never got into the macros — is it weird that I just barely started understanding what it all is? lol. I was just a strict calorie counter. Didn’t look at anything else on the nutrition level besides calories. Carbs, protein, fat…. wasn’t an issue as long as I had the lowest calorie option. And yes, the calculations drove me insane as well. I would be in class and worried about what I had eaten beforehand, so my margins were always filled with these long addition problems — if anyone saw, they would think I was a math major! It got to the point where I realized it was easier and safer to stick with the same foods as much as possible at the same times during the day so that I could stick to the same, meager caloric schedule. I would really only mix it up with my night snack, which was like… the highlight of my day. It was a certain number of calories and usually sweet, so I would always try to find something I craved that fit within certain limits…. gosh, it’s almost embarrassing writing all this out! But it just goes to show how crazy EDs make us!
It’s hard to ignore calories now because that knowledge won’t just disappear, but I at least am much more respectful of my body’s needs and wants and I’ve already gone through an existence that sucked miserably… why would I want to repeat that? There’s no point to it AT ALL.
Oh girl, my margins were full of calculations as well… I just look back at it now and laugh. And I know that we can’t exactly unlearn or forget the calorie information in foods that we’ve become so familiar with, but I find that when you stop checking nutrition labels and focusing on calories, you -almost- start to forget… or at least it becomes a lot easier to ignore and shrug off.
MAC AND CHEESE!!! aaah the things I wish I could cook in my office kitchen….oh and popchips, totes ate some of those for the first time today – they’re addictive! Anyway, yeah, macro counting is honestly much the same as calorie counting. In my worst times, I never really paid attention to it – I avoided carbs like the plague and ate mainly salad and fruit. I don’t think I ever really kept track of calories either – I just always ate the lowest calorie foods possible. Well, at the very least I focused on my schoolwork instead of tallying up calories lol! Nowadays I do tally things up every so often, mainly because I find it interesting. After a long time trying to manipulate things, I find that when you listen to your body, you eat what you need. When I’m running and cycling a lot, I eat about 75% carbs. When I’m not doing as much, I eat about 55-60%. Without trying (I’ll pick a random day and tally it up at the end of the day – I don’t plan things anymore). It’s actually really crazy, that I gravitate towards those based on how much my body needs, and my brain doesn’t need to play any part in it – my body does it all for me! Frees up a lot of mental space, for sure š But tallying it up every so often gives me the tools I need to know what about my diet to change if and when I start feeling tired, cranky, sore etc.
Eeehehe. Awesome that you can use tracking to reinforce the idea that you don’t need to use tracking. Love it š
giving up macros, that should be a book! i don’t think any of our ancestors worried about macros, so what made us start worrying? hmmm, frustration, sometimes it can lead to good things, like this.
I wish I could bottle up frustration, slap a label on it, and market it as a cure for many common mental ailments… because it really does work wonders and I’d probably make a fortune. Enough to support my expensive food habit anyway…
I’ve gone through short periods of life when I tracked everything that I ate, but I agree – it’s too frustrating, and not fun! I believe that if I eat healthy foods and stop eating when I’m full, my body will naturally fall into a weight that is appropriate for it!
Oh, the macro debate – kind of controversial, isn’t it?
I am counting macros right now (well, I’m getting an online calculator to do my counting for me) and I see it as beneficial – but that’s because of my goals right now. I’m trying to gain muscle, so I’m making sure I’m getting enough protein/calories in general to make that happen. Not necessarily because I don’t trust my body, but for this process I feel like a little guidance is needed. But in terms of getting a proper ratio or whatever – no, I don’t pay attention to that at all. But I’m finding that my body is reacting well to the increased protein, so the plan is to wean myself off of the counter within the next couple of weeks.
I think it’s definitely a good idea to wean yourself off before you become too dependant on it. It can definitely be a useful tool in terms of learning how much of something we need, but after a while I think we pretty much know what we need and the tracking turns into more of an OCD thing than anything else. I know you’ve been seeing some good results, just be careful <3
Will do! <3
basically, amen to all of this.
YOU. ARE. AWESOME. š Amanda, do you realize what an inspiration you are to me and so many others out there?? ahh i love you!! <3
Right now I'm tracking my macros in order to make sure I'm getting enough fuel to add more mass, but I can't wait for the day when I can quit and eat like a normal human being. It's SO time consuming! Even though I know it's helping me heal and reaching my goals, I can totally see how it could become obsessive. I have to catch myself sometimes to make sure I'm not becoming OCD about every little thing, ya know?
I'm so glad you're in a better frame of mind now girl, you don't deserve to live in any kind of "number enslavement" like that! Keep on doin your thang, gorgeous. You seriously ROCK! š
i am so glad throughout my disorder i was never into numbers or notebooks or weights. thank goodness because i know that is a tough habit to break. I give you credit for freeing yourself, it can be tough to get so caught up in it. I like eating because i forget the labels and just eat.
Great post. I’m def a I eat what I crave…every meal. I suppose it’s easier since I live alone. I’ve tracked calories before but honestly it did get to a point where I didn’t have that time due to work and everything.
Reading this post brings back the horrible memories I have of when I was in the depths of my ED. I spent more than half of my day calculating calories and macros – it was soooo time consuming. Thankfully those days are long behind me and now just eat what I’m craving. I too believe that our bodies won’t lead us astray.
It’s so nice to see how far you have come and how much better life truly is!!
By the way I loved reading your “story” – totally amazing what you’ve been thru in your life – you are definitely an inspiration to many!! Thanks for sharing!! š
Ack sorry for taking you on a bad trip down memory lane! But the most important thing is that things are infinitely better now and there’s no chance of going back, right? Right, right š
Great post! I struggled with obsessive calorie counting for years and am so happy to say that I no longer am a slave to my calories! I have no clue how many I ate today and I much prefer it that way! It totally took over my life when I was counting and drove me crazy! it definitely causes me some anxiety not knowing but it is such a weight on off my shoulders to not have to count!
I honestly just love every single post you write! I have been through 3 bouts of anorexia, once when I was 8, then 12, then 14. Due to being young I think that I hadn’t yet been exposed to such things as counting calories (although it’s getting familiar to those younger than that now), however I remember when I was 12 I used to meticulously count the grams of sultana bran I had. Golly, how I have changed.
You’re posts are so heart-warming, as it’s so nice to know that there are people out there that have overcome their eating issues, without losing a food group or sticking to an obsessive exercise plan (like many so called ‘recoverers’ have done).
I believe, due to being very young when I was ill, I have overcome my issues quite easily, which I am so grateful for, and I refuse to accept it when people say that no one every recovers from an ED!
(: x
I really wish that more people would realize that it is possible to recover, because that hope is so essential to recovery.
I only track my hunger level š
Life is too short to be keeping track of that stuff.
i’ve never really tracked what I eat, but i’ve realized (particularly lately) that everything really does balance out. I do eat more somedays than other and if I don’t eat enough greens for a few days, my body ends up craving it. So all in all, it really does balance out.
Delicious looking homemade snack mix, btw!
Ah yes, that obsession with micromanaging out diets. I”ve actually written a post about this very topic a while ago, too. While I can’t say I had let go of trying to balance my meals out every day all the way I’ve gotten a little more relaxed about it. To name just one example Iām finally letting myself have cereal as a snack again after having deemed it too carb-heavy after already carb-filled lunches. I also changed my daily needs in the calculating program I use to higher than the ānormalā 2,200 calories so now it even tells me to have more carbs :D.
I do keep my fat intake in check more closely, though. If I didnāt Iād end up too low most days and I want to make sure Iām getting plent. This often means an extra spoonful of nut butter at the end of the day ā can’t say I was complaining abut that ;).
Even small steps are steps in the right direction š As long as you keep it up, then you’ll get there with time.
The only time I bothered with macros was I heard the term “IIFYM” just gave me an excuse to eat ice-cream because well It “Fit My Macros”
Now I just don’t care. I’ll eat what ever whenever.
Sigh…Guilty….as charged. The counting and monitoring is one of the WORST aspects of ED for me. Right now I’m stuck in a place where my mind tells me there are certain foods I canNOT eat more than two days in a row, even if I want to. “Oh you feel like eating a Pita wrap for dinner? Well too bad so sad chickadee, you had one for dinner last night, and your body can’t take that many carbs because you had a ww english muffin for breakfast, and slice of ww bread for lunch. So it’s nothing but a salad or egg whites for you for dinner and blah blah blah..”
Makes no sense. I know. But there it is. It’s exhausting. It sucks. I wish I could get over it. Reading this blog’s been helping me see the idiocy behind my mind’s ‘rationalizations’ and the ED. So don’t stop posts like this. They DO help.
Jess
It was one of the most tiring aspects of my ED as well, and I remember going through those same exact calculations and ‘rationalizations’ when choosing what to eat. For a while, I honestly never thought that I’d get out of it, but when you get pissed off enough at how much your ED takes from you, that frustration and anger become quite effective at helping you progress in recovery. So put your GRRRR face on š” and eat whatever the heck you want. I eat carbs for every meal and snack, and sometimes even end up having the same meal twice in one day, and the worst thing that happens is I get kind of bored of it and don’t want to eat it the next day.
YOU are marvelous pretty lady! I’m glad you found what works for ya. I’m also glad it happens to be much easier and stress-free… oh yeah, and healthier too. š
Wow that is some dedication! Favorite line “Our bodies arenāt static machines that operate on a set of āidealā numbers ā theyāre fluid, living things that exist in a world thatās constantly changing and that requires them to change with it.” I LOVE THIS!!!!