Yesterday… hoooo boy. Let me tell you. No, really… let me tell you.
Judging by the comments you guys left in yesterday’s post, a lot of us are dealing with raging appetites these days… and yesterday was another epic one for me. By the time lunch rolled around, I think I had already eaten pre-breakfast [fruit], breakfast, second breakfast, a snack, and a few random nibbles of this and that — I may as well pack my bags and move to Hobbiton.
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Either that or get a second job to help pay for my grocery bills 😉 I’m able to joke about them now (for the most part), but there was a time where insatiable appetite days tormented me — not only because of the anxiety I’d feel as a result of my increased hunger, but because I wouldn’t allow myself to eat more than normal so I ended up being hungry all.day.long, and we all know how that goes…
Not well. Irritability. Lack of focus. Lack of energy. Lack of desire to think about anything other than food… it’s not a pleasant way to live. And yet we trick ourselves into believing that it’s the only way to live if we want to be happy — failing to realize that the self-induced starvation is actually taking away from our happiness instead of adding to it.
It’s been a while (almost exactly 1 year!) since I’ve written about my attitude towards those days where I feel like a bottomless pit, so I figured a little update was in order — especially since I’ve been getting a lot more e-mails concerning recovery lately. In short, I guess I’d call it a non-issue. I definitely notice the days where I feel like a bottomless pit, but I see them as a humorous nuisance more than anything else — a mindset that I honestly never thought that I’d be able to get back to.
See, before my ED, I never thought twice about how, what, where, or when I ate. Poptarts for breakfast? Grabbing an unplanned treat during the day? McDonald’s at 1 AM? Yes, usually, and sure. Okay, so I definitely wasn’t a picture of healthy eating, but at least I had a healthy mindset; and for all my lack of concern over my diet, my body seemed to be doing just fine.
Enter an ED where everything became controlled, restricted, and healthified. Only so much of certain foods at specific times — absolutely no wiggle room. You probably don’t need me to tell you this but… it was misery. Constantly watching the clock to see when I was “allowed” to eat, feeling unsatisfied after a meal because it wasn’t what I wanted, forcing myself to go hungry because I had already filled my allotted calories for the day. Ugh. Even thinking about it makes me cringe.
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It wasn’t an easy or quick journey to get from there to here, and while I wish I could tell you exactly how it happened, I’ve been having a hard time putting the story of my recovery into words because there were so many different aspects to it — I’m working on it, though. What I can say to anyone struggling with this kind of thing is that all those fears that tell you that your world will fall apart and you’ll become absolutely miserable if you let go of the control and eat when you’re hungry are absolute garbage.
You won’t “let yourself go” and turn into a fat, lazy blob, but you will become healthier, feel happier, and regain your life. Did I ever think that I could be happy at a higher weight? No. Am I? Hell yes. Sure I gained a few pounds in the process, but those few pounds are more than worth the carefree feeling of just eating and moving on. My body seems to have found its natural set point, and my weight stays the same without me really having to put much effort into it.
So please, please, please… be kind to yourself. Don’t needlessly rob yourself of happiness because you think that being thinner will make you happier. There’s so much more to life than being able to fit into a certain [usually unnatural] size, and you’ll miss out on most of it if you’re lost in a hunger-induced fog.
Do you have an easy time honouring your hunger? Did you ever struggle with it?
Do you believe in idea that bodies have a natural set point?
I’d love to hear any of your thoughts or personal experiences 🙂
Your posts make me so happy! 🙂 Your thoughts are great and inspiring!
Love this. As always.
I’ve been there- waiting for the clock to turn so that I can eat at the appropriate time. It sounds so ridiculous now but it’s something a lot (a LOT) of us have dealt with. The second we stop letting food have power over us, it doesn’t matter so much anymore. We can eat when we’re hungry, stop when we’re full, and move on with life. What a concept. (:
I can definitely relate to all of this. I don’t know when and where exactly it changed, because it was little by little each day, wanting and working towards “normalcy” and away from disordered. I wrote a blog post recently about how my approach towards food and fitness has changed. I feel like I’ve reached that point in recovery where I’m truly living the way I wanted to, but couldn’t, for so long. Further, I don’t see any chance of my slipping into those old habits that didn’t serve me. It’s nice to know other people understand exactly where you are coming from.
Also, I’m making your chocolate chip pumpkin oatmeal cookies when I get home tonight. Yay Friday!
<3
It was definitely such a gradual change — that’s what’s making it so difficult to write about, I think. And yay for cookies! I hope you liked ’em 😀
I know I’m not alone is saying that I used (and by used I mean up until this year) was pretty restrictive about meal times, what I would eat and how much. I was eating ENOUGH to feed my body, but sometimes enough is not enough. Some days I want all the carbs and other days I want veggies galore. Realizing that my body knows what it needs has been a process and I’m only starting to learn this. But I feel better. I also don’t feel like such a slave to exercise.
You’re amazing and talk about everything that’s on my mind and by far are my favourite blogger these days (shhhh don’t tell anyone…)
Oh the insatiable hunger. I feel like most days this is the case for me! I’m hungry every 2 hours. I’ve found I’m definitely a more pleasant person when I satisfy my growling stomach, I just need to make sure I do it with decent for me foods. Grabbing a quick snack from the vending machine or drive thru typically leaves me feeling guilty
Amen lady! Thank you so much for writing this post. I know I have been down the ED road and still have my “bad days” but they seem to be getting fewer and fewer as I eat more and more :). It makes me so sad to think back to the days where I would restrict and push my body to the extreme with exercise. I know I am still not completely healed but I feel myself getting so close to the place where I eat what I want when I want (within reason, some things just don’t make my sleep happy if I indulge before bed) without thinking twice and have a healthy HAPPY lifestyle. All I know is that finding blogs like yours was able to kick start my recovery, and for that I just want to say a huge THANK YOU! Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being so honest.
Have a great weekend!
And thank YOU for your comment, Christine! It’s incredibly inspiring for people to read about the happiness that others experience in recovery, so you never know you you may help 🙂
I did a post about this on my blog on the first day of the Smile at the Mirror series – long story short, I went into middle school with an awesome body image, got teased by my friends when I ate pizza or a salad (aka eating too much or too little), and started restricting at lunch. I ate just rice and a granola bar, played soccer for 1.5 hours, and then went home and ate dinner. I was hungry and tired all the time, and in 8th grade I did the same thing – I packed a 100 calorie Oikos and MAYBE some pretzels. If I had a soccer game or track meet, I’d bring a jelly sandwich but no PB – too “fatty”. My wakeup call was when I flipped because I forgot there was an ice cream party and I had “just eaten ice cream” the night before and I started crying and wouldn’t go. Anyway, I’m in a much better place now 🙂
This is such a wonderful piece! People should just love food.
This makes me so, SO happy for you! I, too, had a “set” amount of calories that I could eat in a day and even if I was starving after eating my allotted amount, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t “allowed” to eat anymore. So crazy. I am so happy that the both of us are no longer controlled by what we think we are allowed to do!! Finny because I never was diagnosed with anything but my behaviours sound very similar to yours. It didn’t last too long (thank goodness) and I didn’t lose too much weight in the process or I am sure it would have gotten a lot more serious.
My body has a happy weight now and whether I eat “clean” or not, it stays the same (give or take a couple pounds). So liberating to know I can eat whatever, whenever!
These past few days I have been wanting to eat EVERYTHING. Although I try to nibble at things here and there, I definitely have to still make an EFFORT to keep eating which means I’m still on my way. The thing is… I find it more humorous now, too. And the weight gain? It seems like as my weight goes up, the happier I get as a person. Who would have thought, right? I definitely have a long way to go, but I am so happy to be where I am at right now as compared to where I was a few short months ago. Less anxiety, less stress, and (as you said) I’m not a balloon. I think we tend to think of things as an “all or nothing” type deal and we believe if we eat, we won’t be able to exercise because we’ll be “too huge”. It just isn’t the case at all. If someone truly loves/desires to workout, they’ll do it at any weight… Not just when they are unnaturally thin. Love ya <3
#happydance <3 <3 <3
I feel kind of stuck here.
I am in that situation where I’m loosening up a bit (i.e. not counting calories too precisely) but not too much (I still go hungry regularly..)
The fact is, I know that my “healthy weight”, the one that’d come from eating so that I’m never too hungry, is higher than the one I want to keep. A full two sizes higher.
I know it because I have the exact same body structure as my mom (minus big boobs :D) and she is what I’d look like if I accepted my hunger fully. But I don’t want to.
Because she’s a little chubbier than what is considered “perfect” and “beautiful”, and she has trouble finding pants and clothes that fit well on her; while I, being closer to the “ideal body”, can go into a shop and know that I might try a few pants before finding the perfect one, yes, but I will have no trouble finding it.
I don’t want to lose that. I study fashion design, so you can imagine how important being able to dress how I want is to me. And I wouldn’t be able to do that if I were bigger.
It’s the sad truth, and I think it’s a problem of fashion business before being a problem of my disordered mindset.
Just want to say Serena that I can totally relate to your comment. I think one of the reasons I still feel so guilty whenever I honor my hunger is because though I know that there’s nothing wrong with being a size or two higher, I deep deep down don’t want to be that. I still define myself by my pants size and no matter how often I try to tell myself “Oh it’s OK, you can eat that, honor your hunger, or eat even when you’re not hungry and just want something” it’s so hard to accept that and truly be OK with it because when it comes down to it, I don’t want to gain any more weight and I don’t want to look any different and I even would say in my mind I still want to look BETTER (though I haven’t been acting on that urge because I know from experience that trying to lose weight to satisfy how I want to look will never work because I’ll never be satisfied).
It’s interesting, ever since I stopped (or majorly cut down on) intense exercise- HIIT style workouts/intervals with cardio, very heavy strength training and running a crap-ton, my hunger has INCREASED. When I first felt this, I freaked out to no end, tried to stop such hunger pangs by my “standard” quelling hunger tricks… of course no need to specify what they were. Now that I am able to reflect more rationally, it makes sense why the hunger intensified. My body was healing, finally not holding onto every morsel I was giving it and you know what, such healing makes you damn hangry! These days I do find myself eating around the clock and for once, not caring (too much, can’t say I am 100% better, this would be a lie!), but caring so much less. I feel more energized, and just n0t as weak… I know this is because of the healthy changes that have been made.
It’s so hard, scary… terrifying really, when you experience hunger like this, especially when the eating disorder is of course all about NOT eating. But how essential it is to accept the physical healing process and keep your peace of mind throughout such a time, as best you can
Great post Amanda! Dealing with increased hunger can definitely result in bad choices and guilt, if you’re not in a healthy place.
I usually try to choose healthy foods so that I can eat more and not feel bad about it but I also believe that it’s entirely okay to give into cravings. It is so rare for me to buy anything with white flour but I got a craving for croissants so I bought them and then stuffed them with chocolate! I don’t feel the least bit guilty either. I think as long as you make healthy choices the majority of the time, then there’s plenty of room for a few unhealthy ones.
We absolutely have a set point – at least I do. If I don’t consume enough for what I burn off, my body reacts by shutting down my menstrual cycle as well as slowing my metabolism. I first noticed this in college when I suddenly started hovering at a certain weight and I watched it go up a bit even though I was eating less and less. I don’t weight myself anymore to know how to numbers react to my diet but I monitor myself by my menstrual regularity and also eat according to appetite. I often have hungry days and really do my best to go with it. It can be frustrating but if I am truly hungry, then I should eat. I almost always make healthy choices but when I crave chocolate, then I eat it, knowing that if I don’t, I will eat a bunch of other things and still want the chocolate anyway. I wasn’t always this “fair” to myself. Even though I never had a classic eating disorder, I did battle myself a bit with disordered eating, which really, I think we all have in some form.
I’ve experienced the same thing in terms of a slowed metabolism — at one point I noticed weight creeping on even though I was starting to eat less and less. It’s crazy how counter-intuitively our bodies can behave sometimes.
I have beeen so hungry all week long. It sometime worries me 🙁
Okay, you seriously posted this at the perfect time. I had become so accustomed to eating by the clock over the years I totally lost touch with my hunger cues (and still have honestly). Lately I just have not been feeling food at all…like nothing sounds appealing. It’s very strange to say the least, but I just keep on trying to force myself to eat since I know I need to…anyways, that was a random tangent.
I am so happy you have come so far in your journey, and you prove to me an amazing example to others.
Such a great post!
On the other side of things, when I’m super hungry there’s no way now a days I’m going to ignore that uncomfortable feeling for like an extra 2 pounds. No thank you.
Now I know it’s normal and healthy to be hungry! When we are healthy our bodies get tired, hungry, and so on. It’s so natural, not something to be feared.
Nothing sounds appealing? Not even kabocha with AB? 😛 <3
I love your honesty! I think the body tells us exactly what it needs. Sometimes it needs more fuel based on what it is dealing with. Since cutting back on exercise, I’m still starving some days. It can be hard to keep fueling it even when I don’t think I need the extra food, but I do anyway… 🙂
What a great post! I am a new blogger and an even newer reader of your blog, but I’ve read your story and I’m glad to see how far you’ve come. I used to count calories using the Lose It! app and, while I think it can be helpful for some, it totally made me paranoid about what I was eating. I think there’s definitely a healthy way to view calories and obviously an unhealthy way. I’m glad you don’t deprive yourself of the joys food can bring 🙂 Have a great weekend, dear!
You are amazing, thank you for sharing you journey and opening up about such an important topic. Keep rockin’ friend!
Great post love!! Back in the day, hungry days used to be my worst nightmare. i abs0lutely wasn’t allowed to honour those signals and eat even a little bit more, so I’d go through the day even hungrier than I already was on a regular basis. Definitely not a good way to live. that was probably one of the hardest things about recovery for me though – eating according to my body signals as opposed to by the clock or what I thought was the ‘appropriate’ amount. if I manipulated my intake or tried to ignore those super-hungry days I probably could lose a few pounds but the trade off is not worth it – I’m much happier just going with what my body wants. Tuesday I did have one of those off-the-charts hungry days – literally eating every hour or two. But I just went with it, and I didn’t wake up 5 pounds heavier <— my biggest fear in the ED.
As for the set point, I'm going to say that I think that it relates more to size than to actual weight. I've actually put on a good amount of weight over the last year and a half or so, but all my clothes from before then still fit (and some fit even better than they used to). So I feel confident that my body is at it's set size, even if my weight can fluctuate due to how much muscle I have at the time.
Love you. this post. how far you’ve come. and that you honor your cravings. I also can’t believe I’ve been reading your blog for a year now and we have yet to meet. WTF! If you could- I’d love to send you a pkg .. so I need yoooo address!
k thanks 🙂
To answer your questions-I’m usually cool w/ honoring my hunger, unless it’s 15 minutes after I ate. I mean really do I need to eat more? Nah! It’ll usually go away once I eventually drink some water.
I’ll e-mail you soon <3
Wonderful post, Amanda!
I think for many (if not most) of us, we got caught up in EDs because of something depression-related. For you and me, it was kind of an escape or something to focus on after a bad breakup in which we felt like our lives were torn apart and we were just useless. I literally thought, “If my boyfriend doesn’t love me for who I am, why should I respect myself? Guess there’s no point, huh?” And although I didn’t go into fitness and healthy eating with that mindset from the start, it definitely evolved into that — I was drawn to the stick-figure celebrities of that time and thought how good it would feel for people to notice me suffering. Before you know it, you’re in a dark place where eating normally is literally the scariest thing in the world no matter how sick of the ED you are.
So my thoughts on recovery are this: you likely won’t recover if you don’t see the point in it. If you’re all alone, it’s just not likely to happen. You need an actual realization that your entire life is still ahead of you — family, friends, boyfriends, career, etc. If nothing in those parts of your life start to change, then it’s really hard to see the point in recovery, right? I only REALLY started to get better when things in my life started looking up in conjunction with my attempt at recovery. I started to see the parallels that not only am I getting healthier, but it’s like I got a new pair of eyes to see life with. I no longer felt like a complete loser, or a loner, and even though I pretty much WAS a loner, I was at least finally opening up to the idea of putting myself out there to meet people.
And now that I’m in a relationship, I can say that THIS has been immensely helpful in being at peace with everything food/exercise-related. It’s boosted my confidence again and shown me once and for all that this is what I’ve been missing out on while driving myself deeper and deeper into a hole I should never have dug for myself in the first place.
I just adore this, especially the last paragraph. Love it <3
I love this post! The more I learn, the more I believe that eating without a restriction mindset is the key. I generally use hunger as a guide, but not a hard-and-fast rule. And I definitely try not to eat past the point of comfortable fullness (although I won’t say I never do!). It’s a complex topic, but I’ve learned a TON from lots of great books and resources, including the website Happy Eaters.
Also, to pick up where you left off:
“I don’t think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.”
“What about elevenses?”
I. Love. That. Scene!!!!
Thank you Amanda for another terrific post! As usual, your words came along at exactly the right time. I have been dealing with an eating disorder for so long that, most of the time, I can no longer recognize hunger. Compounding the problem is the fact that I am trying to gain weight so it is necessary for me to have some sort of plan or else I would not eat enough. There are times when I limit my intake for fear of being “too full” when the next meal-time rolls around. I also limit the types of foods I consume, attempting to perfectly balance my intake, not too much fat, sugar, or sodium, adequate protein and fiber, and on and on and on..,
You are right, this is no way to live. With all the brain power I spend thinking about what to eat, when, and how much I probably generate enough energy to single-handily power a large city. Last year I managed to gain a good deal of weight and I felt so alive. My relapse was swift and I have been stuck for months now. I am so grateful to witness your transformation because it motivates me to take risks. Sometimes I realize how pointless all this is; do I really want my obituary to say “She never missed a day of exercise and maintained a perfect macro nutrient balance” or do I want to make a lasting meaningful contribution to this world?
I do believe there is a set point and I do believe, when we are in tune with our bodies, we will remain at a stable weight. My fear is that I am the exception. I no longer wish to allow that fear to keep me from participating fully in life. I have been wrong before (shocking, I know!) perhaps I am not the exception and I can become in touch with what my body needs. It is helpful for me to remember I regret the risks I haven’t taken far more than those I have. besides, how can I complain about a lifestyle that involves copious amounts of almond butter?
Have a terrific weekend Amanda! Thanks for sharing your experiences. Your blog is my first stop every morning.
Sarah, I had that same fear — that I was the exception. I would read everyone else’s stories and experiences and think that none of it would every apply to me because my body was messed up in some way. It’s actually a common belief among most ED sufferers. But I can promise you with 99% certainty that your body is not some freak of nature, and that you can learn to listen to it again — it just takes desire, time, and patience.
Don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you ever need to chat.
Thanks for sharing this. It is hard for a lot of people to talk about their past struggles and their relationship with food so I am really proud that you can talk openly about it.
I’m not naturally a thin person. I am one of those people who has worked my whole life to maintain a healthy body. Two weeks of eating junk and not working out would cause me to gain about 5-8 pounds.. which is crazy for someone who is 5’2″. I had to learn at a young age what foods worked for me and what food to avoid, but it also caused me to look at food as the enemy. I would feel bad if I ate a chocolate bar or deprive myself of something I wanted simply because I thought it would cause me to gain weight. As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten better with those negative thoughts.. but I do feel them coming back up sometimes. I just have to remember everything is about balance.
I am so glad you did a post on this..I needed this reminder at this point in life. I’m working toward reaching my set point, whatever that may be I have no idea. And yes it freaks me out. It’s so weird I’ll have days where I’m ‘happy’ with the weight I’m putting on, then there are times where the thinking about it just overwhelms me! Go figure. I love that you can honor your hunger so well, and I’m hoping you can recall abit on how you reached the place you at. It would really help many of us I’m sure. Right now, I’m just trying not to freak out about the fact that I’m hungry all the time even though I stopped exercising completely.
There was a time in my life where skinny = my whole world. That was the end all be all goal. But that mindset robbed me of so much, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now, with a much different approach to food, exericse, and just plain living, I find that if I treat my body with respect and actually take care of it, it does just fine on it’s own! What a liberating lesson to learn!!
I don’t mind admitting that I suffered from an ED and addiction to exercise for around 4 years. 4 long, miserable, excruciating years of ignoring my hunger, being a slave to the clock and every strict rule and regulation that forbid me from enjoying anything that had to do with food. I’m also proud to say that I finally had enough. I made a decision that I was walking away from a life of enslavement and self-hate (because that’s all it was), and I did.
Now, have I ever looked back at that life with second thoughts and fear? Lots of times. Do I still struggle with honoring my hunger and not feeling like I’m doing something wrong by eating when I’m hungry and not working out (something that at one time I literally couldn’t see myself doing)? Yes, I do. Have I gained back some weight? Yep, I did- my body definitely doesn’t look the way it did when I was disordered, and the change was hard to accept at first.
But I’ll tell you something, in spite of all my fears, I have NOT gone backwards. And I don’t ever intend to. I got a taste of freedom, and it made me drunk. Every day I wake up still in disbelief that I don’t HAVE to work out or try to scramble around and try to plan my daily schedule around that work out, or agonize over what and how much I’m going to eat. Being my ideal body type wasn’t worth me getting my period back after an absence of over a year. It’s not worth losing the feeling of taking a new load of bricks off my back every morning.
Whenever the fears try to drag me back, I punch them in the face with the mere FEELING of freedom. I can’t emphasize the importance of that feeling enough- it’s the feeling that I really don’t have to worry or be afraid of anything anymore, the feeling of being able to love food again, the feeling that I’m getting my ‘real body’ back, and it’s gonna love me for it. That to me, has been worth everything.
<3
THANK YOU for such a beautiful comment, Jessica. This –> “I got a taste of freedom, and it made me drunk” — in particular stood out to me because it’s exactly how I feel about it as well. Your words will inspire anyone who reads them, so thank you 🙂
Love the unkind words graphic!
These days I dont have a problem honoring my hunger – yesterday and the day before were definitely “second breakfast” days for me – 2 bowls of oats with honey, pb, salt, cinnamon, dark chocolate 🙂
But there was a time when my hunger was dominated by my need for control. I was in 8th grade when I went through my ED and that hunger was hard to deal with – it not only lead to grumpiness, but lower grades, higher running times…my PR was no more…if only my now self could have had a talk with my then self – I think I would have realized the true extent of the torment I was putting me through! Cause of my ED – I find myself very sensitive to the feelings of others -specially younger, impressionable ones and always listen and advocate HEALTHY over media prescribed ideals….very often talking bout the time that an ED robs – time that can be put to so much better use.
Yes, I do believe that our healthy bodies have a healthy “Set point” in regard to weight – one where we feel good and are just content…but I think the key is to truly listen to your body and not let media or any other forces dictate that set point.
Another awesome post Amanda!
Happy Friday – I hope your weekend is wonderful
Well said, lady. I think something that helps me more than anything is not getting so worked up if I eat way too many cookies or French fries. It makes life much more enjoyable and I honestly over- eat less. I know I’ve said it before, but I love your honesty, Amanda! Have a great weekend, girl!
Best post ever for me this week because I’ve really been struggling with this. Ahem, yes … weight gain. Even before it wasn’t easy for me to trust my intuition when I felt like eating even more than usual but now it’s become harder than before. I’m not restricting because I’m hungry so I eat – but the feelings I’m dealing with afterwards are still far from pleasant.
Back in those ‘dark’ days of my ED I would fill up with fruit and vegetables all day never going for what I really needed [read: nut butter, more grains, …]. So right now I’d say that I -do- honour my hunger but it’s still a work in progress.
Nevertheless, I believe in the idea of each person having their individual set point weight. I can’t deny that I feel I’d probably be easier on myself if I knew which exact weight that was for me. Ridiculous, I know …
Anyway, happy Friday, Amanda! Thank you for keeping up the inspiration and sharing your experiences. You’ve read my letter so you know what I mean :).
Let me know if you ever need anyone to talk to <3
Great post Amanda! I eat so regularly that I rarely get to that crazy hungry point during the day, but I completely agree- if you’re hungry, eat! I do believe our bodies have a natural set point. I know I’m lucky in this, but for almost my entire adult life I’ve been within the same 5 lb. weight range. Crazy, I know! My body just seems to know where it feels best. If I’ve ever dipped below that range or gone above it, I just feel off and have to make adjustments to get back into that “happy” range.
Totally agree. I fully believe that bodies have a natural set point that they are most efficient working at. And maybe that point is not a ripped, 6pack abs machine but that’s perfectly okay. My natural set point is certainly not that. Over the past few years my body has fluctuated right around its most comfortable point. Even people who haven’t endured an ED have thoughts about eating too much when the metabolism is cranking, and eventually it all evens out. This was a great post Amanda. Have a fab weekend.
Sorry for all the typos!! Stupid tiny iphone letters
I adore you girl. I love that you share your recovey story with is and encpurage all the ladies and guys put there who still struggle. This is so huge!!
Like I said yesterday, my appetite is kind of crazy this week and I was ok with that until yesterday. Yesterday , the crisis hit, the anxiety was here and all of a sudden I was sure I gained amassive amount of weight. I know that that’s not possible, but these turnarounds in my head show me , that. Ostill need to let go and losen up. I don’t fully trust my body yet, and when it asks for food like this , I can accept that for a few days , but then old nasty thoughts creep in. Definitely some more work needed here.
But you still have those stretches of days where you’re happy and carefree! And that’s something to be proud of. You’ve come so far in the time I’ve known you, and you’re going to keep kicking serious a** 😀
As someone who has struggled hardcore in the past, I can honestly say some days are difficult. I try not to ‘plan’ my meals; this is when I run into the most trouble with ED thoughts. Instead, I try really hard to listen to my body, and to be spontaneous every one and a while. In treatment we had ‘challenge food days’. I still do this from time to time to ensure I’m not stuck.
I’ve recently gained some weight too, and WOW I never thought it would be happier with a couple extra pounds. But I am!
I don’t have any trouble with eating when I’m hungry usually. If I’m hungry and it’s mealtime, I’ll eat a meal. If I’m hungry and it’s not mealtime I’ll grab a chunk of chicken or some squash to munch on. Haha. The only time that I’ll sometimes ignore hunger is right before I’m about to go to bed. Bloated tummies ensue when I give into those times.
One thing that I’ve learned though is that it’s okay to be hungry. To have your stomach growling. I used to dread that feeling. But now it’s almost a comfort. With everything else in my body so messed up *at least* I can get hungry. And then filling myself with food and ending the hunger? Perfect. Along those same lines… it’s okay to be hungry sometimes in my opinion. It’s easy to get super stressed out being away from home without food but I will survive 🙂
I definitely believe that our bodies have a natural set point. In some cases though I do think that medical issues can arise damaging/altering that set point and adjustments have to be made. But for a healthy individual eating the right amounts of food, sure!
I love this! It’a amazing how well we can learn to listen to what our bodies need (hunger) when we ignore the disordered and critical thoughts that tell us we shouldn’t obey our hunger (our body’s needs). I can’t wait to read more about your recovery journey.
BTW, my hubby is in the Navy and is gone for some time. I know that you are in a long distance relationship, so if ever you need someone to vent to about it, or receive words of encouragement from to get through the being apart from one another periods, I’m here ; )
Thank you so much, Jenn <3 I definitely might have to take you up on that one of these days.
I think I have become so accustomed to eating by the clock (around certain times each day, even if I am hungry 30 minutes before I should eat, I will force myself to wait!) I really can’t tell what my true hunger actually feels like. I am a huge work in progress right now though and have been making massive strides in eating wonderful foods and trying new crazy things that I wold have never allowed myself to do just a few months ago and it feels good 🙂
That’s great, Rebecca! I think one of the most helpful thing in my recover was just falling in love with that feel-good feeling that came from eating the foods I actually loved and craved. Recovery is a slow process, but each small step will get you closer to where you want to be 😀