Happy Sunday, sweetlings! Hope it’s been a beautiful one for ya 😀
Mine started out with a little bit of drama… I had somehow managed to let my supply of chocolate pudding dwindle to one measly pot, which someone (*cough*dad*cough*) snatched while I wasn’t looking. See what happens when you don’t hide your favorite food? Or stockpile massive quantities of it?
It gets ninja’d.
Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed when breakfast time rolled around and I wasn’t able to have my favorite breakfast. Thankfully, I wasn’t completely SOL – I found a pot of vanilla pudding lurking in the depths of the cupboards, and while it wasn’t quite as good as chocolate, it still got the job done…
I love having breakfasts that taste like dessert, but I’m not trying to fool myself or anyone else by saying that my bowl of oats tastes exactly like a slice of vanilla cake, because it doesn’t. Although it does taste deliciously sinful, the reality of the matter is that it’s really not – it’s actually quite healthy.
The same goes for a lot of my other meals/snacks. Take, for instance, my cookie dough balls…
Although they’re similar to the real thing, they’re not exactly the same. They lack the butter and sugar that makes real cookie dough so appealing. In other words, they’re a healthy imitation.
And yet I’d still take my healthy imitations over the real thing…
It’s no secret that I have a pretty healthy diet…Â I don’t eat too many fried, refined, or overly processed foods, and instead choose to focus on whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and good fats.
Well, that’s fabulous, you say.
Yes, it is. Unfortunately, not everyone seems to agree… Occasionally, I still have to deal with people who question my healthy food choices and accuse me of clinging to my disordered eating past… and although this kind of thing frustrates me to no end, I can also understand where they’re coming from…
See, I wasn’t always a healthy eater. Nuh uh. In my teens and early twenties, I basically lived off junk food. It was Poptarts for breakfast, Kraft Dinner for lunch, fast food for dinner, and countless helpings of chocolate, candy, chips, soda, and other junk food in between.
Then my eating disorder hit. Boom.
I went from eating mass quantitates of junk food, to not even wanting to breathe the same air as it – a complete 180° shift had occurred, almost overnight. People were shocked. Here was a girl who lived for junk food, replacing chips with celery sticks and candy with fruit.
I felt great at first. Happy. Energetic. Alive. But it didn’t last. As my disordered thoughts increased, my list of acceptable foods decreased. No sugar. No grains. No fat. No dairy. No nothing, basically. It eventually got to the point where I was living barely surviving on anything at all.
I don’t recommend it.
Then recovery started. Facing fear foods started. Trying to figure out what foods I actually enjoyed eating started. My diet and tastes had changed so drastically, that it became incredibly difficult to tell whether I was avoiding a specific food because I was afraid of it, or because I genuinely didn’t like it.
So I challenged myself with different foods. I dabbled in my past eating habits, only to find out that I didn’t enjoy them anymore, which did nothing to comfort my confused mind. How could I not enjoy junk food when I had loved it for so long? Was that just another one of my ED’s tricks?
It turns out that it wasn’t. After years of experimenting with different foods throughout my recovery, I can say that I genuinely love the way that I eat. I eat whatever I crave, and don’t feel in the least bit deprived.
Sure, I may not have the same kind of diet as other people my age (outside the blog world, of course), but so what? Who cares if I’m not chugging back sugary sodas and eating chemically-laden foods? I honestly don’t crave them, so why would I force myself to eat them? Just to prove to the doubters that I’m not still clinging to my eating disorder?
No thanks.
I know what’s in my head, and I know that the mentality behind my choices is a healthy one. I eat the way I eat because I enjoy it. I don’t avoid typical junk food because I’m afraid of it, but because I just don’t crave it; and I don’t particularly like the way that my body feels after eating it, either. My food makes me feel vibrant, happy, satisfied, and alive – why mess with a good thing?
I know that it can be hard to differentiate between a healthy and disordered eating habit, which is why I can understand why some people may question my dietary choices. But overt behaviors don’t matter as much as much as the thoughts behind them do. There’s nothing wrong with avoiding particular foods, unless it’s because of fear. If you crave something, but you’re too afraid to “let” yourself eat it, then there’s a problem. But if you don’t like/crave something, and consequently don’t eat it, then that’s perfectly normal. I don’t like zucchini, so I don’t eat it. I don’t crave junk food, so I don’t eat it. End of story.
. – . – . – .
Do you ever have to deal with people questioning your dietary choices?
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts 😀
Eating what you love is the key. Outside the blogging/health nut world my eating habits aren’t what a lot of people might eat (and I do get funny looks), but its what makes me happy and what makes my body feel best. Maybe poptarts works for one person, for another it might be overnight oats. Eat what you love.
Not yet. As more people comment on my blog, I’m kind of thinking that that might happen because while other bloggers would rather drop dead than eat fast food I actually eat fast food every now and then because if that’s what the people I’m eating with want, I don’t want to ruin it for them, and it tastes ok and eating it every now and then won’t kill me.
Yay for standing up to those judgers! It makes me go crazy when people judge my diet. I eat what I want, I’m sorry I don’t crave fried foods and burgers like most americans, but that doesn’t mean I’m clinging on to my eating disorder.
It just means I like to eat what I like!
I really hate when people criticize or tease me for eating healthy, even though I would never do the same to someone eating junk! I honestly think eating healthy works best for me, so I’m going to keep doing it. I know that I have to keep it in check though, because I’m in recovery for orthorexia, as well as anorexia. Trying to eat as healthy as possible made me spiral down into an eating disorder, and I don’t want to go down that road again. But I think that healthy indulgences, such as homemade baked goods or the yummy oat combos you always have, fit in perfectly in a healthy diet. Let the haters hate, and just keep doing what makes you feel good!
Every fucking day someone seems to question whether my diet is my choice or my eating disorder. I hate it! I added Greek yogurt back into my diet because I craved it, and that is perfectly fine!
You go girl!
Yes, this kills me. My family is the worst. They are incredibly judgemental about my food choices and are always making sneed, backhand comments about how I should go eat a brownie or something. They don’t understand that I honestly prefer the many tastes and textures of a big salad to a plain old sandwich. They really don’t understand how I honestly prefer my chocolate microwave cakes to real cakes (I don’t really understand, either… I just like them better!) or how I prefer the taste of spaghetti squash to the blandness of pasta. But its all true; I like the healthy options better! And likewise, there’s other stuff where I prefer the less healthy option, like pizza. I like thick, crusty pizza with real cheese, not tortilla or thin crust pizzas.
I’ve realized something the past couple days: Everybody just needs to stop being so freakin’ judgemental and let everybody else just do their thing, because, really, food is NOT that important. (breakthrough!) 🙂
Hehe I love waiting to comment on your blog cos then I get to read all the awesome comments!! 🙂
AMAZING post as always!! I actually wrote one like this (to post when I go away)- great minds think alike 😉
Yes people question my diet ALL THE TIME and I definitely see how it can be hard to differentiate between healthy habits and disorderd ones, but you are SO right that the difference is the mentality and intention 🙂
LOVE YOU <3
P.S. Can't believe you were all out of choc pudding. I would've cried! I have stockpiled hehe!
I like eating healthy. I used to love my junk food as well, then I got an interest in healthy eating. I developed an ED when I was searching how to lose weight and as a result I turned my healthy diet into unhealthy restrictive.
I have recovered to the point where I have gone up to a week eating the foods that used to be on my “no way in hell” lists. And you know what? They were fantastic, but I felt like CRAP after day three. I’m not just saying that to justify eating healthy….but every time I try eating less healthy foods (white flours, cane sugar, deep fried food) after day three my digestion caves in, I get headaches, and I bitch at everyone I pass by. Some people can handle eating amounts of the stuff often or all the time (ie, my little sister stays as happy and carefree as when eating deep fried and sugar deliciousness). For me, I have discovered that I can go a couple days eating that sort of stuff, and eating it once is pleasurable without all the misery. But I’ve decided that my diet is going to be made up of healthy foods, for the safety of everyone in speaking distance of me!
My goodness girl, you just keep pumping out awesome posts!
I totally sympathise with where you’re coming from. I used to live off junk —> ED —> now love healthy stuff. I’m not afraid of unhealthy stuff, I just don’t want it / like it anymore; pure and simple. I LOVE my diet with a passion, and I just do not crave my past diet. But my choices do get q’nned – my gran asked me just yesterday when I was going to ‘give up the vegan thing’!!?? Gah. It’s frustrating…
Last week my boyfriend told me that my food preferences sometimes annoy him. He knows I have stomach issues (IBS, gallbladder, liver problems and food intolerances). I ate some ice cream to try and be “normal” and I felt sick all night.
Boo! Stick with what makes you feel vibrant!
Ahh I can totally relate!
I am a vegetarian and lately I have also been avoiding dairy. I am constantly having to defend my choices. I always have to answer questions like “where do you get your protein from” and hear about how people “could never give up meat”, etc.. etc..
I just try to stay positive and use people’s questions as an opportunity to share. I find that my way of eating often makes people feel defensive – people’s food is a part of their life and they don’t like to hear that it could possibly be “cruel”. Everyone learns at their own pace!
Amen!!! Actually, I dealt with this last night a little bit when Michael and I were making s’mores. He never accuses me of having that ED mentality or anything…but I’d eat one s’more and be fine with it while he popped 20 marhsmallows without thinking twice. Or with pizza! He’s always like “I crave it, you know?” and I answer back “Nope.” He laughs..but it’s true! I just don’t crave junky food. It makes me feel like crap, so why eat it?
Fantastic post! Oh my gosh, I can totally relate. Since I don’t eat like a “normal” 22-year old, people are always giving me crap for it. Either I’m “High maintenance” or “picky” it’s like my goodnes! I’m just trying to fuel my body with good foods!
This post completely resonates with me! My fear of “food observers” prevented me from partaking in social gatherings for far too many years. During the beginning of my ED recovery I felt as though I had to prove that I was “okay” by eating “normal” foods. I remember one barbeque in particular where I downed two cheeseburgers, potato salad, three brownies and a bowl of ice cream within a three hour period. I wanted so desperately for people to think I was “better,” but in reality the BBQ episode only complicated my relationship with food even more. This pattern repeated itself time and time again. I’d feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable, which contributed to a strong love-hate relationship with food.
Fortunately, those days are LONG gone! I was finally able to truly recover when I began listening to my body and educating myself about what REALLY constitutes a healthy diet–“real”, whole foods. I became confident about my choices, and now enjoy sharing my favorite foods with others, and watching them get excited/inspired (some of the time!). I think it’s sad that we associate processed, fried, fast foods with “normal” eating, when those foods are so far from what we were designed to eat.
Of course the “observers” still exist, but when I catch them glancing my way, I smile back and genuinely feel good about my lifestyle. I eat what I love and love what I eat. And I’m happy and healthy. 😀
I love the term ninja’d! My foods seem to be ninja’d as well.. I need better hiding places
My family is so supportive of my dishes so I’m not questioned by people close to me who know about my problem. I’m starting to learn how to just let it roll off my shoulder when people at school make side comments. It’s hard to bring overnight oats into class and not get weird looks but they don’t know what they’re missing!
You go girl!
I can see where the critics come from, but ultimately, YOU choose the way you eat and the way you live your life. Random people on the internet should have nothing to do with it. If eating healthy foods makes you feel good (and I know it does for me!) then what’s the problem? As long as you’re not overwhelmed with guilt if you eat a French Fry, and you’re living a healthy, ED-free life, that’s all that matters.
Man, do I relate to this post! I completely understand what you have to deal with because the same thing happened to me (ed) and when getting better I just avoided food that made me feel icky but others took that as being ‘afraid’. I say do what makes you feel vibrant and healthy and your food looks amazing. Some people just don’t make sense when worrying about a person’s health just because they don’t like to eat crap. Anyway, I love your blog- it is very inspiring 🙂
Once again, another amazing post!
You’re SO right…it’s YOUR diet and YOU’LL eat whatever YOU want to. And the same goes for all of us 🙂
I do have a lot of people that question my choice in not wanting to eat certain things and I just try to explain to them my decision and yet they don’t understand. It can certainly get frustrating at times, but I just nod, smile at their advice, and move on. It’s my body and I’ll chose what I want to put in it.
YES oh my yes.. not so much anymore but even when i eat oatmeal with some sun warrior stirred inside.. i get weird looks.. like that isnt weird at all?? ADD some protein to a meal esp when ur vegan- and make the oatmeal taste like something rather than just be plain? GAH!
YES! I swear, sometimes it’s like you’re inside my head Amanda! I was the exact same way – I used to live on junk food pre-ED, and then I cut it out cold turkey. And I’ve been dealing a lot with this question of “Am I still holding onto my ED fears?” since recovering – both from outside sources and as an internal struggle. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t *like* junk food. I don’t crave it, it doesn’t satisfy me, and I’d rather eat some banana soft serve with chocolate sauce than eat an entire Kit Kat bar. But that being said, if I DO happen to crave something unhealthy, I’ll go for it. It doesn’t happen often, but I’m comfortable with indulging if it does.
Love this post! So relevant to certain thoughts I’ve had lately, too.
I have had the exact same problems, dearest. Like you, I grew up eating more or less the Standard American Diet, so my sudden health change came as a worrisome sign to people. Of course, when I was at my worst with disordered eating, I didn’t understand diddly-squat about nutrition–I just thought, less calories would equal weight loss, so I ate processed foods, too, such as fat-free cheese *shudder*, as long as it was low calorie. I didn’t know much about whole grains (although I’d always preferred wheat bread, even as a child), partially-hydrogenated oils, High Fructose Corn Syrup, etc. Thankfully, with time and lots of research, I slowly gathered all the information I now know today, and becoming vegetarian and then vegan definitely helped, too, as I had to be sure I was getting all the nutrients I needed to be the most healthy. Some people think that, as a vegan, I’m depriving myself of “worldly pleasures,” but I do not feel limited in my diet whatsoever. I honestly would rather have sweet potato fries over regular French fries, kale chips over potato chips, hummus over cream cheese–it’s just what my body has come to crave, and honestly, even if something is “healthy,” if I don’t like the taste, I’m not going to eat it, plain and simple. Yeah, sometimes an old nostalgic desire for, say, a Blizzard may arise, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to go to Dairy Queen–part of the fun for me is concocting a healthy, yet still decadent version of the original, to prove that healthy can be tasty.
You created a wonderful post Amanda with such an important message! Our food preferences are our own and we should feel good about them and not be judged by others! I am always inspired by you and how you truly LIVE your life!
Ahh yet another beautiful post 🙂 When I was younger I would on occasion have a takeaway on a Friday/Saturday night but I’ve never really been into junk food in my whole life to be honest – the most common one for me would have been a Subway so it was never too bad. Therefore I still don’t have a craving for junk food ever, it’s just not me! Of course my ED made me only eat fruit and veg and nothing else but now I eat fruit and veg plus lots of other healthy stuff because it makes me feel good, alive and happy. At first my parents thought it was my ED moving on to ‘orthorexia’ and constantly tried to get me to eat something unhealthy. Over time they realised that actually the way that I was choosing to eat was getting me better so they let me carry on with my healthy ways. Now I am fortunate enough that they understand that the way that I eat is not like theirs (they like a lot of junk food) but I’m healthier, happier than I’ve ever been and they accept it because they finally have their daughter back which they never thought was possible. They have been so good with my diet and never question it and completely understand what I do eat and why. And at the same time, in the past I tried to get them to eat some of my foods but they didn’t like them and now I’ve accepted their diets too and theirs make them happy so I won’t change their ways either. 🙂
There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with eating the way YOU want. It’s your life, your body- your choice.
HOWEVER. With that being said….
I think it’s also extremely important to be lenient, especially in recovery. Eating healthy is great and all, but being invited to a party or a summer bbq and refusing to eat what’s served there isn’t normal, and in my opinion it isn’t healthy (once again, this is my opinion). I’m not saying that in order to be healthy you have to eat unhealthy foods, I’m saying that in order to be healthy you have to be able to go with the flow, not always pre plan all your meals, and just relax and enjoy the atmosphere around you regardless of the food being served. Does this make sense?
I think this is where a lot of bloggers struggle, and it’s difficult for sure. Balance is key in all aspects of life and we all have things to work on. I sure do…
Very well said, Laura.
To me it made a lot of sense and I agree 100% with you 🙂
Agreed 😀
I completely agree with you! Everyone is entitled to eat whatever they want, but if you can’t go to a party without stressing about it and bringing your own food (?!), because you refuse to eat anything ”unhealthy”, then you might want to rethink how ”healthy” your eating habits really are.
What you said makes perfect sense.
We are all different and I think we are allowed to have different tastes. There is nothing wrong in loving hummus, rye bread and grains or fruit whose names most people can’t even spell. If you truly enjoy eating them, nobody has the right to tell you it’s wrong. Stuffing yourself with burgers or spicy chicken wings just because the majority thinks it’s the coolest food ever is a very stupid idea. As long as your food makes you feel good and full of energy, it doesn’t matter what anybody says.
I used to be a huge McD fan. I still give it a chance every now and then but if we don’t count the veggie burgers they offer in Germany, it totally sucks. And the Japanese sandwiches are the worst sandwiches I’ve ever eaten :/ . I enjoy my hummus and egg sandwiches much much more.
A really good post full of clever thoughts, thanks for it! I can relate to almost everything you said as I was the same at one point in my life. Now I feel I have found what I like and what I want, but I often get questioned about my food options and hear people talking about my eating, sometimes even behind my back. Eating is a big topic in my family and being a skinny vegan in a family of slightly overweight meat-eaters doesn´t help. But I am trying to do my best…and moving out to my own flat also helped a lot 🙂
Amanda,
I hope I am not one of those who have annoyed you with questions regarding your diet. You know that was not to judge you, it was simply to make sure you are doing good. I hold you very dear and wish nothing but the best for you.
Finding out what we truely enjoy after so many years with a messed up eating regime is a challenge greater than words can describe. Often we want to just scream and ask for some guidance.
Be proud of how hard you’ve worked to find out what you truely crave, to let go off disorded cravings and do your best to treat your body the way it deserves. If that means eating healthy 99% of the time, good for you. If that would have meant eating healthy 50 %, still good for you.
What matters is, as you say, not just what you eat but the mental process that decides your food choices. To liberate our mind from disorded influence. As long as you are not so dependent on eating healthy, that you would say no to go to a trip abroad or visit a friends house because it meant you were not able to make healthy food, but had to eat what was served ( as long as it did not cause allergic reactions, of course. ) If I invited you over and served you a nice piece of chocolate cake prepared with sugar and all the “usual” ingredients, and you would eat it without feeling anxious or guilty.
A healthy life is one where food does not prevent us from living. Where we are free from the need to control every piece of food that goes into our body.
Love you Amanda – be proud of the one you are.
You’re definitely not one of those people, Hedda. You know I love you <3 <3
Beatutiful post Amanda!
I dont blame my family for questioning my eating, since both they and I know that my relationship with food isnt the best.
What I dont like however, is how they seem to think that I like healthy foods because I fear junk. Because that is not true at all! I never ever crave either junk, soda, candy (exept dark chocolate <3), chips or what ever. I crave healthy foods! My problem is that I can crave oatmeal or whatever, but not allow myself that because Im so comfused about everything!
I keep reminding them that : Yes- i want to eat more and be less obsessive, but NO- I dont want to eat everything they eat just because they like it! I want to eat what makes ME happy and healthy!
Have a wonderful new week Amanda <3
I definitely agree with you when you said there’s a difference between craving junk food and not eating it because you fear and simply not eating it because you don’t feel like eating. I understand where people are coming from though. Like it is a bit fishy how many people recovering/recovered from ED’s only eat healthy foods, but if you have been letting yourself have junk food only to find you don’t really want it anymore than that’s fine. As long as you have overcomed your fear of foods and don’t look down on it because of it’s nutritional values, then I don’t see what’s so disordered about that.