I did something the other day that I haven’t done in… *counts on fingers*… a very long time. I went for a run. Actually, I should probably clarify that a little… I went out for a walk that eventually turned into a run. The weather was perfect, my surroundings were gorgeous, and I just had that extra little pep in my step . Before I knew it, that pep turned into a jog, and… I didn’t hate it.
I can’t tell you how far I went, or how fast — maybe it wasn’t even more than a mile — but I can tell you that, no matter the distance or the speed, it was still a pretty big deal for me. Why? Because it’s a baby step towards healing the relationship I have with running. I know, I know… you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Err… Amanda? What relationship? You don’t run…” and you’d be right — I don’t; but I did.
Believe it or not, there was a point in time where the “running” part of my blog name was more than just a witty catch phrase. I did run. Maybe not with spoons (as far as memory serves), but I ran. I started in middle school as a required part of gym class, and although I never got into it too seriously as far as teams and racing are concerned, I kept doing it throughout the years because it was the only form of exercise I could think of (this was way before my HLB days, where I thought strength training was only for macho men).
So I ran on and off for years and years — not loving it, not hating it, just doing it for the sake of doing it. I’d take it up for a month or two and then give it up for six. It wasn’t until my ED really took hold of my thoughts that I started taking running a lot more seriously, and I’m pretty sure you can guess where I ended up with that one… let’s just say it was nowhere good and leave it at that.
I eventually had to give it up only because I physically wasn’t able to do it anymore, but you better believe I was itching to get back into it — and I did, probably far too soon into recovery… Because even though I was eating well and in a “decent” enough place with my health as far as weight and vitals went, my body still needed to heal, and it couldn’t do that properly while trying to handle the additional stress that running was putting on it.
My health suffered and exercise began to feel like torture again — something had to give. And because I’m the queen of jumping from one extreme to the other, instead of cutting back on exercise, I simply cut it out. Cold turkey. No more. Trying to figure out how to eat was difficult enough without factoring exercise into the equation, so I took it out. Simple as that.
So that’s been life for the past 2 years or so. No formal workouts, no intense exercise — I’ve been keeping active but definitely taking it easy. And it’s been nice. No complaints for the most part. But… I’ll admit that I do miss it sometimes… The sense of having something to work towards. The physical and mental strength that it helps cultivate. The endorphins… Those were things I loved. What I didn’t love was how my brain twisted something that’s perfectly healthy and turned it into something that’s not.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, does it? All or nothing? Isn’t that balance middle ground what I’m trying to find in recovery? I managed to do it with the scale, going from weighing myself obsessively, to completely avoiding it for years, to being indifferent and just checking every few months. I managed to do it with healthy foods, going from eating 100% clean, to rebelling against them, to eating a good mix of both. Now I need to find that balance with exercise…
To be honest, I was a little hesitant to write this post… I know I have a lot of readers who struggle with eating disorders and/or exercise addiction, and receiving e-mails/comments from them about how I’ve helped them overcome those hurdles made me feel like I had to keep being that example and take it easy. But I’ve been taking it easy — 2 years off has been plenty of time to heal, both physically and mentally. And like I said, I need to fix my black-and-white relationship with exercise/running and find that balanced middle ground myself– it kind of feels like that last recovery hurdle that I need to face.
That’s not to say that I’m about to start training for a marathon or adopt a strict gym-going schedule, but I don’t want to feel that twinge of guilt anytime I feel like doing something other than walking. Of course I could have just started running and not said anything about it on the blog, but that’s not how I roll… I’ve always been an open book about my challenges and struggles in the past, and that’s not about to change now.
No questions today… I’d just love to hear your thoughts, comments, questions, or concerns.
It sounds like you’re listening to your body, which is the best way to go. Enjoy it, and remember that you’re in a very different place than you were several years ago. Running is what keeps me sane! Glad to have you back on the road.
It’s so cool that you started running again! 🙂
Amanda, your blog is an inspiration to so many Reading each day has become a relaxing ritual. Thank you.
And you are a fabulous example of healthy balance and an inspiration to so many that struggle.
i’m glad you did it! and you didn’t measure it. Just ran for the love of running. nothing more. Keep that perspective. Look what you’ve overcome , with God’s strength! amen amen!
Definitely wouldn’t have been able to do it without the Big Guy upstairs <3 <3
Oh girl, I had a big smile on my face when I read your “announcement” on twitter a few minutes ago. I knew that one day you would manage to find your way back to something you used to love. Recovery is hard and it was the best decision you could make to take exercise out of the equation, but being the healthy and active person that you are (and let us be frank here – taking a walk everyday and snowboarding as often as you get the opportunity to does make a person pretty active to nowadays standards) I was sure that someday you would revive your relationship with running. It’s nice to see that you found a way to incorporate it into your life without pressure, just for fun. That’s how I enjoy it best 🙂
I think it’s awesome that you shared this Amanda! You should not feel the need to justify wanting to change up your fitness routine! As you said, you’ve given yourself ample time to heal and recover and improve your relationship with exercise and you should feel completely okay with delving deeper into some other fitness options. It’s all about being fully recovered and resuming a normal outlook on life! The fact that you’re able to feel comfortable with doing this now just goes to show how far you’ve come and how much amazing progress you’ve made. Congrats.
Glad to hear you are finding balance with running and exercise. Your posts have been really helpful for me during my struggle to find balance. What I like about this post in particular is that it reminds me that although I have come really far in my relationship with food and exercise, there are still small ways I can make changes that will improve my life even more. Growth and happiness is an ongoing project, and you seem to know yourself well enough to just keep moving forward 🙂
I’m happy for you love – not just because you ran, but because of your current mindset and approach to it. Judging by how long you’ve had to repair your relationship with exercise and looking at your current relationship with food as an example, I think you’ve learned moderation and would be able to apply it to running. Especially with your past experiences, I think that you know what the warning signs are and you would know when to pull back. If you want to go for a run once in a while, I say all the power to you!
And as for people that have seen you as inspiration for cutting out exercise, you’ve done it for two years, which is awesome and inspirational in itself for people that suffer with exercise addiction. But if you do decide to keep it up, you can show readers how to have a HEALTHY relationship with exercise and with running, without taking it to extremes.
Have a wonderful weekend love! <3
That’s what I’m hoping — to show people that you can heal an exercise addiction and go on to have a healthy relationship with it. Fingers crossed!
Great post Amanda!! I’ve found that I don’t enjoy running when I’m running for the purpose of burning calories. It was a lot more fun when I started running with my boyfriend, knowing that he just did it because it was FUN and he liked the challenge! It changed my perspective a lot. I haven’t been running for the past couple of months but I think I might try to sign up for a thanksgiving race!
The relationship between exercise with an eating disorder is a tricky one for sure. I couldn’t agree with you more. I definitely had mixed feelings about running a little bit during my knee recovery. I started to get almost addicted to it again. Not addicted in a bad way… More of the endorphins, lifted mood, and ability to run with blue skies and the leaves changing. Running was always my “me” time and the time I took to reflect on things going on in my life… And I miss it a lot. However, on the flip side, it did hinder my health when I started really cutting back my meals and trying to “make up” for things I ate… I will admit, I did have some thoughts while I was running which made me take a few days off. I need to make sure it’s healthy this time… No matter what. I love you being honest. Thanks, girl! <3
Great post–I think it’s SO important to find that balance and don’t think you’re alone on that. I’m not a runner (never have been….I’m pretty injury-prone) but every once in awhile I get an urge to just run because I feel like I should be able to. But I have to remind myself that there’s a reason why I walk instead of run. Everyone has their own preference and what works best for them. Happy Friday!
Well, you know how I feel about running 😉 I’m so happy you went on a little walk/jog/run! My only tips are that it CAN easily become an addiction so be careful and you should never feel like you HAVE to run. The adrenaline and other “feel good” hormones that run through your body after an intense workout can definitely sway us to become obsessed with the exercise. But, enough with the hum drum talk – running is so good for you and I can’t wait to follow your newly re-found love of the sport 🙂
That’s definitely something I’m trying to avoid, and I hope that being more aware of it will help me notice if it starts to happen.
I think that it’s awesome that you ran because you felt like it. I can definitely tell that you are at a really healthy place with yourself and it’s only natural that you would feel good enough to start running when and if you felt like it. I can realte to you in that I am not a runner, but I just signed up for my first 5k turkey trot because I feel like trying something new and different out and I will see what happens. Thanks for your transparency! Have a great weekend love <3
Great post Amanda! I’m so happy for you and you have nothing to feel guilty about. It is all about that balance!:) I think that is why I’m such a stickler for walking. I only really liked running when I was at the worst of my disorder, but walking is my balance:) It’s my happy place, along with yoga;) The fall weather does have a way if putting a pep in our step, right?:) have a beautiful Friday!:)
I struggled with similar things in my late teens/early 20s and it took me a while but I was eventually able to develop a healthy relationship with both food and exercise – so I’m excited for you!
Thanks Elle! It’s nice to hear that it is, in fact, possible.
Great post Amanda and kudos to you for opening up! Firstly congrats on your run…and secondly, congrats on your approach towards running! It’s so easy to fall into the numbers game with exercise e.g. obsessing on speed, time, distance but the fact that you just ran without paying attention speaks volumes. A huge aspect about recovery is doing what YOU want to do, not what some pesky ED is telling you what you “should” do- some days like the other day, that will mean running- so you go ahead and do it…and make sure you are enjoying every step of it!
I think this post as a part of your journey is totally inspiring 🙂 Most of all that you are listening to what feels right, and that you are saying you CAN run without a 3 times a week “plan” or training for a race or a HRM.. you can run when the mood strikes and that’s ok. It’s refreshing to see you approaching this with a more natural healthy mindset in exercise, rather than a rigid all or nothing one!
LOL- I love the Forrest Gump gif, too funny. I completely understand how you feel about running. I don’t love it or hate it but I like having a challenge to work towards. I think you should do whatever makes you feel good and if that’s more than walking, so be it. I have been training for a 10k and I’ve barely ran in the last month, while my race is 2 days away. But I’m not freaking out, I just haven’t felt like running as much. Besides, finishing is what matters, not how fast I go.
I think it can be hard to achieve a healthy relationship with exercise but as long as you listen to your body, it will all work out.
Finding balance is important, regardless of an ED history or not. Some are TOO intense and some are TOO “easy going” with things- finding the right balance can be great for your mind and body. I’m glad you were able to get out and run- even if it isn’t all the time, once in a while can be a good thing. We are ALL different, some need more intense and some need more of the easy going go with the flow kind of thing- find what works for you! You’ve come a long way as far as I can tell (I have been a reader for maybe 6 months now?) and I know that you are a great role model for anyone- so keep it up….
Thank you, Laura 🙂
This post really hit close to home for me and I’m very glad you had the courage to write it. Thank you.
Good for you getting out there! I have a very strong hate of running lately so I’m not sure I’ll get out there for a run any time soon. I’m in to strength training like you said so that’s working for me these days. I do see my fiancee get out there for runs and I kinda wish I could go with him but I just don’t want to. Ugh, running.
In my books there is nothing you could do that would make you less of an inspiration to me as someone aspiring to return to a normal, healthy life. If anything, you starting to run gives me hope that someday I can have a good relationship with running myself, instead of the ‘calorie-burner’ that it served as in my darker days. I would love to follow up on your running progress and how it makes you feel etc. As long as you want to do it, there is no reason to hold back 🙂 !
i love the honesty in this post.
the fact that you laced up and went for a run is great. don’t even look at the pace or distance or numbers; just do it for the sake of doing it to see if you like it and if not, then there’s always something else to find in terms of activity. for me, running was always “meh” and i did it because hey, it seemed like it worked for everyone else and i wanted something different for cardio/spice up my workout routine but then i discovered trails and i fell in love.
so when you’re ready to tackle a new beginning, try hiking on a few trails and work up to running them…it’ll change your life. the fresh air, the scenery, the always- changing terrain makes it so amazing!
thanks again for sharing!
-kathy
Vodka and Soda
Thanks Kathy! I’m definitely planning on leaving the Garmin at home to start with; and trails sound fabulous, but they might have to wait until next spring — the weather here doesn’t exactly make running outside through the winter very feasible 😕
You rock.
Keep on running, lady (if that’s what you want to do).
<3 love you!
Way to go, Amanda! I’m so glad that you are in a place where running is not going to become obsessive or an addiction and I think it’s great that you realize that. I also think that it is very important that you share all of your journey with your readers… You are such an inspiration and a true role model to others with an ED.
Thanks for the honesty, Amanada! Very much appreciated!
I used to run soley in the name of losing weight. Now, looking back, I see that my mentality did way more harm than good. In fact, I almost damaged my knee permanently in the process. There came a point where I knew I had to take an indefinite break, which I did. During that time, I discovered strength training, spinning, yoga, and walking AND I slowly mended my relationship with exercise. I began to see it as more than just physically rewarding. Luckily, I’ve been able to continue down that path. Glad to see you’re mending your relationship with exercise as well! Good luck!!
I think it’s so important that you listened to your body and gave yourself time to heal both physically and mentally. I think moderation is key to both exercise and food. It sounds like you’re in such a good place right now – I’m so happy to hear that! It must have been the most amazing feeling to run again! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!
Have a great weekend Amanda!
I too have kind of a tortured past with exercise. My mom is an exercise addict and I grew up constantly hearing about how good she looked (and how I didn’t) because she also severely restricts her food intake. When my eating disorder started, I started getting really “concerned” about exercise and it just went downhill from there. I’d go back and forth between obsessively exercising or nothing at all because I was too ashamed. Then last year I decided I really wanted to become a runner, so for once in my life, I stuck with it. I’m not fast, the longest distance I’ve done is 8 miles (so by most standards not that far), but I do it because it makes me feel powerful, strong, and confident. I do it for the mental high more than anything and along the way, I learned to love my body more. I’m in a great place with eating, at a healthy weight, and I’m enjoying fitness because I like the way I feel, not because I want to punish myself (the way I used to think of exercise). Pure Barre has also been a big part of recovering my relationship (or creating a healthy one) with exercise and I love that. I feel strong, fit, and healthy, but I also eat and take care of myself emotionally and physically. I say whatever makes you feel good, you should do, as long as it keeps you in recovery. Thanks for not making this post triggering! I know that’s a weird thing to say but I’ve read far too many posts by bloggers who post the numbers of calories they’d consume while exercising and that was always hard for me to see.
Girl, at this point, 8 miles sounds freaking amazing to me, so you should be rocking that fact instead of glossing over it because other people run more. I know the blog world can skew our perceptions, but remember there are people out there who can’t even run ONE mile, so any amount you do is amazing 🙂
Thank you for saying that! Yeah, the blog world can definitely skew our ideas of what is normal. I was really proud of those 8 miles, even though I had to take some walking breaks. I know a year ago I couldn’t do one mile without stopping so I know I need to stop comparing my fitness routines with other people’s/bloggers. Have a great weekend!
I think it’s great that you’ve started running again. Sure, it can be a scary thing to step back into, so I’m really proud of you for trying it and also, for sharing it with us. Because you’re right, you could’ve just done it and not shared. But we are here to support each other, and this is a really big deal. You should never have to keep something from us in fear of upsetting someone. You are STILL an inspiration, even if you become a pro marathon runner 😉
The fact is you survived an ED, and there is nothing wrong with getting back to running. If anything, I look at it as another obstacle you’ve been able to conquer!
First off: Great to hear you felt the running mojo again and want to try and find a balanced relationship with it. Balance – that’s what has been key for me with running, too. Something I find to work is to stick with [for me] two rest days a week and decide spontaneously on when to take them so I make sure not to overdo it.
Regarding your worries about sharing it: I totally understand what you mean about “being that example” because you definitely were the one for me, too. The one blogger who helped me feel better when I took a longer break from running and adopted walking as my primary kind of exercise. But in the end you are living for yourself – not for others. If you try to please others in the way you choose to eat/exercise/live in general it might make them happy but not you. And don’t we all want to be happy?!
This is such a great post, girl. I love how honest you are about all of your struggles. I think it is great that you want to start a relationship with exercise again because it will make you feel that much better (in moderation, of course!). You should definitely not feel bad about it either because this is showing others with an eating disorder that there is hope and you can exercise like everyone else and not take it too far, it just takes time. Good for you! Have a great weekend!
I’m happy you got your endorphins going again. It’s like bringing sexy back, but better. Good for you…. and on a totally unrelated note.
I had to share this video with you. It’s for Game Of Thrones, and it’s fawesome (freakin’ awesome).
http://geekologie.com/2013/10/game-of-thrones-gets-the-bad-lip-reading.php
Enjoy.
😆 😆 Omigosh thank you for that. Not only for the video (which was freaking hilarious), but for a new favourite word — fawesome.
I am in the same boat and have struggled with over exercising as my new addiction once the drugs were gone. I am also hesitant sometimes to work out more because I am afraid of what it may turn into. What I can say is that the fact that I recognize that now makes me much more hopeful that I wont fall back into that pattern. Before, I didn’t know that it was a problem and it had to be pointed out to me. Now, I can be aware that it is something I could potentially abuse so I am vigilant for the warning signs.
In my experience, overcoming what we have overcome and learning to maintain a balanced life is one of the best examples you can give others. You don’t have to take it easy for the sake of your readers and what may actually serve as MORE of an inspiration is to get back into something you enjoy and learn to do it in such a way that you don’t abuse your body. Showing others that that can be done can be an even more powerful example.
Good luck and I hope you get back into running. For me it has turned into something I HAD to do to something that I enjoy. It is a peaceful time for me and I hope that you can find that too. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Amazing post Amanda I am soooo happy you wrote about your relationship with running and your past run. I know I have been sneezing my positive running vibes your way but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate and respect you opening up to share your hurdles with exercise and running. I think you have a wonderful outlook on this and my only thought is to “do what feels right.” I am learning to listen to my body, not push myself too hard and just enjoy the ride. I can’t wait to hang out with you in the Rockies. Lots of love from T.O. xo
Girllll… if you’re seriously planning on coming, then I can’t even tell you how big of a happy dance I’m going to do when I find out 😀
Sending you good vibes for your half tomorrow!!
My thoughts/comments: YAY FOR RUNNING! But seriously that’s my ftypical response whenever someone tells me they ran. For you, I get that it’s different. I’ve definitely struggled with exercise compulsion and early on in my recovery, running gave me the outlet I needed. This summer not being able to run kind of forced me to face those issues with exercise compulsion though and While I know I’m not entirely balanced yet, I’m pretty happy going for walks or yoga in place of running. Aka what I did this week. I love loving running. It’s nice to do it only when you want to or feel compelled to. It makes it more enjoyable. So I guess I should say… Welcome back 🙂
Thank you for this love. I definitely have had a very unhealthy relationship with running for which I am not paying the price. I’m trying not to beat myself up for hurting myself but I do regret taking a sport which I loved so much and was a very good thing for me and turning it into an obsession. I agree it doesn’t need to be an all or nothing thing either but for now it needs to be nothing for me. I hope down the road I can learn to run without getting caught up in time and pace but for now walking has been the best thing for me.
Amanda-you really are such an inspiration to so many young women. Don’t ever forget that 😉
Don’t beat yourself up, love! We all make mistakes and have to pay the price, but I like to think that it all happens for a reason, and that whatever we struggle with is simply a stepping stone to growth. I went too far with both exercise and healthy eating, but you know what? Looking back at it now, I wouldn’t change a thing. The lessons I learned, and how much I grew as a person, have been invaluable.
If you ever need to chat, hit me up!
I totally understand why you stopped running and I super excited that you felt like running and did so the other day. Nothing beats those runner endorphins yet we all walk the fine line between enjoying and “training” and overdoing to the point of unhealthy obsession and overtraining. I run because I love it but I know that sometimes I am on the verge of overtraining and need to rest a bit more and eat a bit more to compensate for all of the miles. It is quite hard to figure out exactly how to balance it all perfectly but really, nothing is perfect. I just try to pay attention to my body and my appetite and let that guide me as best as possible.
As usual, loved your post. I can relate to the extremes – it’s so easy to do it and not even realise you’re doing it. But when you’ve been through what you have, and you’re mentally aware of it, I *think* you’re less likely to fall into the old traps.
I think not focusing on a marathon or similar program is a healthy way to start. In my very uneducated opinion, I think not recording how far or long you’re running (focusing heaps on splits, lap times etc.) also helps – at least initially. In the same way you’ve been trying to eat intuitively, think about moving / running intuitively. Only do it for as long as it feels good, and as often as it feels good. If you’re not feeling it that day – doesn’t matter. Just remember how you’ve lived without it for two years, and know that even if a day or week goes by without you feeling it, you’ll be healthy and happy – and that’s all that matters.
Thanks for the great advice, Corinne! I’m definitely planning to leave the Garmin at home in the beginning and do my best to avoid numbers and measures. I love the link you made to intuitive eating — numbers just make it so much harder to really focus on what feels right.
Thanks. I hope it is useful to someone. Whenever I start to introduce numbers – weight, speed, calories etc. – my quality of life reduces and so does that of the people around me if I start swinging between extremes. We live and we learn!
I think it’s great you’ve finally felt that you can run without the icky side effects from the ED. Yes, a lot of readers may struggle with eating/exercise issues but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get out there and do something you enjoy to do now that you have recovered. I think that’s part of the balance of recovering. We can enjoy the things we used to love, in moderation of course.
I definitely had those same thoughts when I returned to the exercise bandwagon, but fitness has been a huge part of my life, so it just didn’t seem natural to give it up.
I’m glad you enjoyed your run:)
“Yes, a lot of readers may struggle with eating/exercise issues but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get out there and do something you enjoy to do now that you have recovered. I think that’s part of the balance of recovering.” – well said!