It’s been a while since we’ve had a more serious discussion here on Spoons, but we’re having one today because it’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and eating disorders are a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.
If you’re a long-time Spoons reader, or even if you’ve just read my story, then you probably know that I spent a whole lot of years suffering from a serious eating disorder. In fact, the reason I started blogging in the first place was actually as a way to help me in recovery — both to keep myself accountable and to connect with others who were going through the same thing. It may not be for everyone, but I honestly believe that blogging was an invaluable part of my healing process.
That being said, the scope of Spoons has changed over the years and I don’t really talk about my ED all that much anymore. In fact, I think the last time I mentioned it was during NEDA Week last year. And that’s not because I’m ashamed of what I went through or because I want to keep it a secret… it just feels like a past life. Or a bad dream. One that gets harder and harder to recall as time goes on.
Of course I can still remember things like…
- The anxiety and tears that came with every single meal.
- The countless hours of exercise I’d punish myself with.
- The happiness I needlessly stole from myself.
- The indifference that came with going to sleep and wondering if I’d wake up in the morning or if my heart would stop in the middle of the night.
- The pain. The cold. The exhaustion. The obsession. The depression. The guilt. The self-hatred…
Those memories are still there when I go looking for them, but they feel more-or-less the same as the memories I have of a movie I’ve watched or a book I’ve read — like they happened to someone else and not to me. Which is a good thing! I’m more than happy to close the door on that part of my life, but that doesn’t mean the topic isn’t something I still care deeply about.
Which is why it breaks my heart to see so many women and men struggling with eating disorders (or disordered eating)… especially because so many of them don’t even seem to be aware that they might have a problem. I mean, as much as I love the food/fitness community, and as positive of an influence as I think it can have, there are so many harmful messages and behaviours out there that I can’t help but raise my eyebrows at. Things like…
… Exercising way too much.
… Eating way too little.
… Demonizing entire food groups.
… Ignoring injuries.
… Obsessively counting calories.
… Weighing food.
… Eating 100% clean.
… Obsessively stepping on the scale.
… Unnecessarily following restrictive diets.
… Not getting a period.
These things aren’t okay, and the worst part is that they’re often promoted as being part of a “healthy” lifestyle because they’ve come to be seen as perfectly normal habits. They’re not.
I try not to judge what I see on blogs because I know that they never show the entire picture, but there are some instances where I can’t help but wonder if the person behind the screen realizes that they might have a problem, and that their healthy habits might not be so healthy after all… especially since that’s exactly how anorexia crept in and took over my life.
What started out as an innocent desire to get healthier gradually turned into an eating disorder that left me fighting for my life. The beliefs I thought were healthy eventually became the same ones that were making me sick. That’s not to say that exercising regularly and eating healthy foods are bad habits to have — they’re wonderful! But there’s a fine line between being motivated by health and being motivated by fear, and trying to convince yourself that you feel great when you clearly don’t is not okay.
Eating disorders are no joke. They’re serious and deadly mental diseases that ruin and claim countless lives. They sneak in gradually, root themselves in firmly, and take years upon years to recover from… with some sufferers never fully recovering at all. I never thought it could happen to me. I thought I was completely in control. And yet there I was facing the cold, hard truth — I had anorexia nervosa— and while that may be a thing of the past, those painful years are still ones that I’ll never get back. So please, please be careful, be aware, and don’t let yourself get into a position where you’re looking back saying “I had no idea…”
No questions, but I’d love to hear your thoughts
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I definitely had a lot of disordered eating in my past. I am a recovering addict and once I removed the drugs and stopped being so diligent in my recovery I started using diet and exercise to exercise control and fill the void. It is part of my story as well and I actually just had an article about it published on Huff Post this morning. It is a terrible way to live and I was only able to get past it by asking for help and taking the steps I needed to to kickstart my recovery again.
Thanks for the post!
I actually started blogging as a way to recover and connect with others as well. I didn’t even realize I had a problem until my mom one day asked me if I needed to see a doctor. It was another few months before we actually did and I was very skinny by that point. I thought I was being healthy. I thought I was taking charge of my health where my peers were failing. But I was actually just damaging it in a different way. Since then I am always kind of wary where I hear about people cutting out whole food groups, but I don’t say anything unless there are other warning signs and I know the whole story.
Thank you for your post Amanda. I work in a middle school and high school and at first they were against raising awareness for this week.
Well that didn’t hold up for very long… There are posters with stats, information for help, and girls and boys having open conversations which is so comforting to see. Thank you for you post and for your honesty!
I’ve read your blog right from the beginning and you are just a huge inspiration to me. It’s been such a pleasure to watch your blog evolve and I love that you are still bringing awareness to this topic. Thanks 🙂
Aww thanks so much, Jessica. That really means a lot 🙂
Great article – I realised recently that my diet was a bit too clean and there was some fear about eating junk food which is not healthy at all so you are right how easily it can creep in and after suffering from disorders myself it is easy to get obsessive especially when i am using diet and food to heal my body from health issues but i think i am finding a happy balance – ben and jerry’s is helping:)
I love the reasoning behind you not discussing it much on here anymore- It being like a nightmare from your past. So glad many bloggers are using this week to raise awareness. Big props spoody.
Spoody? Pls translate to Canadian speak 😛
God works in us and through us during those times. Which is why he has you posting this. AWARENESS. I am thankful for you encouraging us to be healthy, whole, and love ourselves. thank you for sharing your story
Amanda, I’m so glad that this past year seems to be one of such growth for you. While you know you struggled with an eating disorder in the past, it’s no longer an overwhelming identity for you, just part of what makes you, you. I think it’s so important that we talk about these things and it’s great that outlets like blogs exist where we can share some insight. xo
Amanda, what a great post. First and foremost, so happy that you don’t struggle with disordered eating anymore. You are a survivor and it is so imperative that people see how positive their life can be if they get through these horrible diseases. I have my fair share of past and present struggles with a lot of these things. I think the image that depicts “I had no idea my eating habits were bad for my health” really hits home. You do things on a daily basis that you believe to be healthy until you take a step back and look at them.
You are so positive and upbeat! Thank you!
Tears came to my eyes as I read this, and remembered a past version of myself that would obsess over calories and my weight on the scale. I thought that once I hit that one number, all would be well. And maybe I did get to a point of being ‘happy’ with where I was – but looking back on those photos? I was skinny. I looked frail and weak. And it is a place I am so glad I climbed out of. I never gave myself a title, but I know my eating and exercise habits were extremely disordered. Like you, I had no idea. I agree about blogs, or even acquaintances, that post about their ‘healthy’ eating…but it looks the opposite to me. Its hard to have that pop up. Since I know it is a trigger for me, I usually end up unfollowing them, knowing it will keep me more positive and happy. Thank you for this post. <3
Isn’t it crazy how we think being thin will make us happy when the thinner we get, the unhappier we get? I’m glad to hear you’re in a better place now, Kelsey 🙂
Thanks so much for you sweet words. This place is definitely better (and happier!).
Great reminders, Amanda. I think there are a LOT of people in this blogging space with disorders and they use their blogs as a sounding board for why their way is right or others’ for inspiration… I’m so glad YOUR BLOG is positive and calls problems out for what they are – it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with someone if they have food issues – a girl is a liar if she has NEVER had an issue with food, at least a little bit – but they should know their health isn’t worth it.
Love that you are posting this. As a fellow ED survivor, NEDAwareness week is always my soapbox. I have come so so far since 11 years ago, but I still catch myself falling into restrictive habits a little when life gets stressful. Anything I can do or share to help others prevent the unbridled misery that is life with an eating disorder, I feel compelled to do. I’m so happy to you are open and honest about your experiences and not ashamed to talk about it — for the benefit of both those who are currently suffering and those of us who have recovered but still need reminders of how far we have come. A Florida sunshine-packed high five to you, girl!
I have said it once, and I will say it again; you are so brave for sharing this, and the facts need to be seen. I have seen so many friends and other runners go through this, that one of my goals with my site is to try to deter anyone from falling into that trap….well as best I possibly can. I think things are moving in the right direction with the awareness of this, and especially with orthorexia now, but it is still an uphill battle. Thanks for being a great example of success!
I think you’re doing a fantastic job in raising awareness, Tina 🙂
Thank you for posting this. It’s so important that these things are discussed.
Thank you for this! I am in my recovery journey and its definitely a tough thing day to day, but continuing to stay in tune with my future goals of being a successful woman in my career, a role model to younger girls that I coach, a role model for my sister also battling an eating disorder, and to be a wife and mother and all together happy woman on the inside and out. My mom, sister, and I are walking in the NEDA walk this Saturday in Athens, GA and are “Team Chasing Champagne”! We are so exited to share this with each other, our family and friends who have so generously donated, and to others who may be struggling with similar things. Its a long road and we are all in it together. Love every bit of all of your posts. Thank you,
That’s fantastic, Kelsey! I wish we had more NEDA events up here, but sadly it doesn’t get as much attention in Canada as it does in the States. All the best with your walk this weekend!!
So well-written, Amanda! Like you said, blogs only paint a small picture of someone’s life but at the same time, certain blogs certainly give off several red flags that an eating disorder might be present or in the works. What saddens me the most is that certain disordered behaviours towards food/exercise have turned into something contrived as ‘normal’. Things like replacing lunch with a KIND bar, eating only egg whites, terming a protein powder concoction as “dessert” are all one step past the fine line.
It really is scary how normal all the abnormal behaviours are becoming. And the worst part is that it’s so tricky to determine whether they’re being driven by health or fear…
I always love it when you open yourself up and get a little vulnerable. I appreciate seeing the glimpses of what makes Spoons tick. I am so glad I’ve gotten to know you so well, which is only possible because you overcame this disorder. I think you and your story are an inspiration for others. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for sharing this Amanda – I don’t have too much to say but only that your blog in particular really helped inspire my long term recovery and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Thank you for your passion, integrity and commitment <3
Thank you so much for sharing your story <3