It’s been a while since we’ve had a more serious discussion here on Spoons, but we’re having one today because it’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and eating disorders are a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.
If you’re a long-time Spoons reader, or even if you’ve just read my story, then you probably know that I spent a whole lot of years suffering from a serious eating disorder. In fact, the reason I started blogging in the first place was actually as a way to help me in recovery — both to keep myself accountable and to connect with others who were going through the same thing. It may not be for everyone, but I honestly believe that blogging was an invaluable part of my healing process.
That being said, the scope of Spoons has changed over the years and I don’t really talk about my ED all that much anymore. In fact, I think the last time I mentioned it was during NEDA Week last year. And that’s not because I’m ashamed of what I went through or because I want to keep it a secret… it just feels like a past life. Or a bad dream. One that gets harder and harder to recall as time goes on.
Of course I can still remember things like…
- The anxiety and tears that came with every single meal.
- The countless hours of exercise I’d punish myself with.
- The happiness I needlessly stole from myself.
- The indifference that came with going to sleep and wondering if I’d wake up in the morning or if my heart would stop in the middle of the night.
- The pain. The cold. The exhaustion. The obsession. The depression. The guilt. The self-hatred…
Those memories are still there when I go looking for them, but they feel more-or-less the same as the memories I have of a movie I’ve watched or a book I’ve read — like they happened to someone else and not to me. Which is a good thing! I’m more than happy to close the door on that part of my life, but that doesn’t mean the topic isn’t something I still care deeply about.
Which is why it breaks my heart to see so many women and men struggling with eating disorders (or disordered eating)… especially because so many of them don’t even seem to be aware that they might have a problem. I mean, as much as I love the food/fitness community, and as positive of an influence as I think it can have, there are so many harmful messages and behaviours out there that I can’t help but raise my eyebrows at. Things like…
… Exercising way too much.
… Eating way too little.
… Demonizing entire food groups.
… Ignoring injuries.
… Obsessively counting calories.
… Weighing food.
… Eating 100% clean.
… Obsessively stepping on the scale.
… Unnecessarily following restrictive diets.
… Not getting a period.
These things aren’t okay, and the worst part is that they’re often promoted as being part of a “healthy” lifestyle because they’ve come to be seen as perfectly normal habits. They’re not.
I try not to judge what I see on blogs because I know that they never show the entire picture, but there are some instances where I can’t help but wonder if the person behind the screen realizes that they might have a problem, and that their healthy habits might not be so healthy after all… especially since that’s exactly how anorexia crept in and took over my life.
What started out as an innocent desire to get healthier gradually turned into an eating disorder that left me fighting for my life. The beliefs I thought were healthy eventually became the same ones that were making me sick. That’s not to say that exercising regularly and eating healthy foods are bad habits to have — they’re wonderful! But there’s a fine line between being motivated by health and being motivated by fear, and trying to convince yourself that you feel great when you clearly don’t is not okay.
Eating disorders are no joke. They’re serious and deadly mental diseases that ruin and claim countless lives. They sneak in gradually, root themselves in firmly, and take years upon years to recover from… with some sufferers never fully recovering at all. I never thought it could happen to me. I thought I was completely in control. And yet there I was facing the cold, hard truth — I had anorexia nervosa— and while that may be a thing of the past, those painful years are still ones that I’ll never get back. So please, please be careful, be aware, and don’t let yourself get into a position where you’re looking back saying “I had no idea…”
No questions, but I’d love to hear your thoughts
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It makes me sad that dieting has become so prevalent in society and drags so many people into eating disorders. But it seems like EDs are coming to the forefront lately – hopefully this increased awareness is translating into more diagnoses and treatment.
It’s awesome that blogging helped you recover, but I think it also perpetuates the disorder for many people. All the positive feedback from commenters just serves to reinforce the disorder. I wish there was a better solution to get these bloggers help.
2-5 describe me. Do I have a problem? I’m legitimately asking. Thank you 🙂
It’s hard to say without knowing anything about you, Michelle. But those behaviours are definitely red flags when it comes to eating disorders, and while it may not necessarily mean that you have one, you might want to talk to someone about them… especially if they’re interfering with your health and happiness.
Beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s such a serious issue and I think you’re right, more prevalent than we’d like to admit. As some one who has a past of disordered eating, it definitely resonates with me. Love seeing how far removed you are from it all now. Proof it IS possible!
I couldn’t agree more with the health and fitness industry! Sometimes I feel that it is not even worth the motivation because it can give the negative effect so easily on a person. But I guess in reality whether it is health and fitness, or fashion magazines we live in a world it is hard to not think about our looks and wonder if we are getting fat or being self conscious about our bodies, I guess we just have to get to a point where we realize that it is effecting daily life, thats when it really becomes a problem even if we haven’t fully developed an eating disorder!
I’m so happy that you’re in a place now where all of this feels distant to you. It’s great that you have a platform to reach so many who might also be out there suffering. Hopefully they can find comfort in your words and learn to love themselves again!
This is a great post, I find it so inspiring hearing people who have recovered and this post is so true and a very important message to get out to people. Even though I’m almost ‘healthy’ it’s so easy to fall back into the trap and not realise! I hope I can follow in your footsteps and it’ll soon be over.
Josie
You totally can, Josie! Recovery is definitely a slippery journey, but just keep your eye on the positives and fight for the kind of life you deserve 🙂
I think we live in a dangerous time, because it’s really easy to couch disordered behaviors as “healthy.” I also think it’s important to keep having discussions like this and bring awareness to the symptoms and experiences of having an eating disorder that most people don’t necessarily know. I’m glad you’re recovered and am grateful for anyone who shares their story without trying to compete and show how they were “worse off” than others with the same illness. Lovely post <3
You know I appreciate you bringing attention to the issue love! I definitely agree with the ‘watching a movie’ thing – I look back at my disorder and my life during that time and it feels like I’m watching a movie – I have trouble accepting how ill I was and what I really put myself through. And like you, my eating disorder started out as something so innocent, but became so life-encompassing and deadly, and if I hadn’t escaped when I did – possibly fatal. Life is so much brighter on the recovered side of things.
You’re an amazing woman, Amanda! So strong, and so humble and honest and you’re such a gift to so many people because they (we) can relate to your honesty and admire the strength it took for you to get better. Your life is a true living testament that disordered eating can be a part of the past.
Awwr totally gushing. Thanks so much, Suzy 🙂
Beautifully said. Your stories mirrored a lot of my own experiences. I denied having an ED for so long, especially since it started as an “innocent” diet and exercise regime. I think a part of NEDA’s “I had no idea…” could apply to sufferers of eating disorders themselves. Too often, people don’t realize what their habits are doing to their bodies and minds while in the midst of ED’s grasp. I know I just wanted control at a time when my life seemed so chaotic, no matter what the risk. Hopefully awareness and education might spark others’ realizations of their eating disorders, providing them hope and a community to turn to.
Great post! Thanks for sharing. Recovery is so freeing 😀
Thank you for sharing this personal and insightful post with us 🙂 As important as it is to raise awareness for eating disorders, I think it’s equally important to educate others on how to approach a situation where someone they care about is showing symptoms. It’s a sensitive conversation that needs to be done with great care and compassion (in my opinion), not through an aggressive comment. This is especially important online! Anyway, just my two cents 🙂
I love that you brought up the aggressive comments, Irina. It kind of breaks my heart to see women being attacked for their potentially unhealthy behaviours… as if that’s going to help them get better 😕
Great post lady. So many people need help out there and it’s up to people like you to spread the awareness. I love that you turned something negative in your life into something positive. 🙂
Thanks for the great post. For someone with an ED, it is so difficult to find the line between healthy and obsessive. I am fortunate to NOT have an ED, but have been obese most of my life, and many obese people DO struggle with food addiction (but not all, just like not everyone who is slender has a disorder). Food is tough because unlike other addictions, you can’t just quit having it! I work out because of the effects it has not just on my physical health but also offers positive mental health benefits, and have healthy nutrition most of the time, but gave up some things that were triggering obsessive behavior (like measuring EVERY portion of food, planning food intake/counting calories every day, etc.). Everyone is different, and what is a useful tool for some is a dangerous behavior for others. This is one message I try to pass on to my teenage daughter. Thanks for sharing about this tough subject.
That’s very true, Deb. There are a few instances where meal planning and calorie counting can be beneficial, but I feel like they have too big of a potential to become obsessive behaviours that really prevent people from listening to what their bodies need.
“The indifference that came with going to sleep and wondering if I’d wake up in the morning or if my heart would stop in the middle of the night.” This broke my heart a little bit. I’m so happy that you’re in a much better place now. Much love <3 xoxo
Thanks for sharing this, Amanda. Certainly a very important topic to discuss and put out in the open.
Big love for this Amanda. Everything you said, all those feelings and emotions were exactly how I felt too. I’m like you, I don’t like to talk about it often because I don’t feel like I am that person anymore – but that doesn’t mean to say I don’t still have moments – maybe one day those moments will fade, but right now when they happen I know exactly how to fight those thoughts when they come.
And that makes me feel strong – an emotion I didn’t know how to feel for so many years. That’s how I know I am on a good path now.
This a great post. Totally agree, it makes me so sad to read ‘healthy living’ blogs where it’s so clear that the person writing is not in a healthy space. Disordered eating is scarily prevalent in the HLB world and it’s so easy to fall into that trap – thanks for drawing attention to the issue, and I’m so happy that you’re in a better place now!
Thanks so much, Aine!
I think it’s really smart of you to mention that motivation should be fueled by passion, not fear! Thanks, Amanda. That goes towards everything in life. Not just exercise and diet.
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and story. You are such an inspiration for all those recovering from EDs (myself included)!
This is so important to realize that sometimes people don’t even realize the damage they’re doing to themselves. It’s such an important issue that is often overlooked as “being healthy.” I think that’s one of the trickiest parts in the blog world. I see SO much disordered eating that’s masked as healthy in the blog world and it’s hard when you’re in that pseudo recovery phase. I had to stop following a lot of blogs when I realized my exercise was getting out of control because I was comparing myself to what I thought was “normal.” It generally starts out so innocently- wanting to eat a little bit healthier, exercise a little bit more, and quickly spirals out of control.
I’m really glad you’re in such a good place now too where it feels more like a distant memory than a part of your everyday life 🙂
Isn’t it crazy how different the blog world is from the real world? I have friends who consider it a huge success if they can make it into the gym once or twice a week, whereas bloggers make a big huge deal about taking one day OFF. Definitely puts things in perspective.
I love to hear you speaking about such an important cause. I totally understand not wanting to talk about it all the time but it’s great to bring awareness to it.
I had to learn this the hard way as well. I became obsessed with being healthy and not eating foods that would upset my body (because of the Crohn’s) and it just got out of hand. Training for my marathons have honest been the force that has truly pushed me to the otherside (back to the mental health side). Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story. Eating disorders can creep in so sneakily in our health-obsessed culture, and it’s critical to raise awareness so that warning signs don’t go unnoticed. I’m so happy that you have been able to move past your disorder and find a life worth living 🙂
Great post Amanda. I’m glad you are bringing awareness to such a serious issue. At my previous job, I worked with those diagnosed with an eating disorder.
It sounds like you have made a very strong recovery and I could not be happier for you.
Thanks, Hollie!
Isn’t it the weirdest thing when you look back on a time in your life and feel like it’s someone else’s experience? Like you know the story but it doesn’t feel like yours anymore. That’s exactly how I feel about my divorce lol…Anyway, yes to reading blogs and wondering if people see what everyone else can see. And yes to getting your period. I hate it, so so much, but every month I am reminded by my body that all systems are in check. I hate when I see other girls/women not addressing the fact that there cycle is missing/hiding it with birth control pills.
great post Amanda, thank you for sharing. I think it’s most important to realize that you don’t have to be rail thin to have an eating disorder….EDs come in all forms.
I wrote my very first post today about my own experience. I was scared to share for my first few months of blogging, but it is so important to work to make sure that everyone who can be healed to health is. If anyone wants to read my story, it’s here at my blog: https://renaissancerunnergirl.wordpress.com/2015/02/23/national-eating-disorders-awareness-week/
That’s awesome of you for sharing, Alyssa! And there’s definitely no reason to be afraid or embarrassed… especially when so many people are going through the same thing.
This is such an important reminder…thank you for sharing and for being open about your story. There really is a fine line between healthy eating and disordered eating…it’s scary how many people can cross that line without even realizing it.
I wrote my very first post today about my own experience. I was scared to share for my first few months of blogging, but it is so important to work to make sure that everyone who can be healed to health is.
Such a sad topic that hits home for so many men and women. 🙁 Thanks for helping to raise awareness and spread compassion on the subject.
Thank you for sharing your story with others. While I never went down a path of full-blown ED, I definitely went through phases of disordered thoughts and patterns. I spent years dancing and being in a room full of mirrors wearing nothing but a leotard and tights can do a number on a girl’s psyche. It took a lot of effort over those years to not give in to the pressure and to push out those thoughts that crept in telling me I wasn’t skinny enough.
So glad that part of your life is behind you. I hope that anyone struggling who reads this post knows that they’re not alone.
You inspire me! Thank you for being brave, and sharing your story! It is so helpful to look at the thoughts of someone who fought through an ED.
Thank you for sharing your story, the good and the bad. It’s so great for people who are dealing with it to see that there is a light in the dark and they can come through it. So many people think there is only one or two types of eating disorders but there are so many different ones on the spectrum that people need to understand they aren’t alone and there are people there for them.
So true. I hate hearing someone say that they don’t need help because they’re not “sick enough.” You don’t have to be emaciated to be suffering from disordered habits, and you don’t have to wait to get to that point before you seek help — the earlier those habits are nipped in the bud, the easier they are to get rid of.
Eating disorders are so widespread and very misunderstood, so thanks for sharing this because everyone needs to remember how they begin, which is innocently and with behavior that most consider healthy. And then they take over, much like I talked about with exercise addiction. I’m so glad you’re out of that dark place and can connect with others who may be suffering, possibly giving them hope. You’re awesome!
Thanks lady 😀
Thank you for being so open and honest with this post girl! xoxo
Amanda, this is a great post. I published one in honor of NEDA Week myself today, and while I don’t have the ED history, I’ve been guilty of the disordered eating habits and have noticed just how prevalent they are in the health/fitness world today – especially blogs. This message is so, so important.
” Those memories are still there when I go looking for them, but they feel… like they happened to someone else and not to me.” is EXACTLY how I feel most days about my ED too! For me, it was the need for control and knowing I had control that spurred mine on – which started with a single comment. The old saying of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is so not the case – words hurt – they sting and they have incredible staying power – and that’s why I try so hard to watch how and what I say the things that come out of my mouth – specially with a daughter that (so far) seems to look up to me.
Beautifully written post Amanda!
My ED was largely about control as well, so I can definitely relate to that, Shashi. And your daughter is very lucky to have you to look up to 🙂
This is fantastic. I believe you are right that a lot of people start on a normal, healthy path and they never catch the signs that they are slipping into this disordered pattern. I see it everyday from the slight comments by females at the gym, to the hospital where young girls have really gotten themselves sick. I would love to know more ways to help. Thank you for this article!
Helping spread awareness is definitely a great way to help, especially since I don’t think many people even realize that what they’re doing might not be healthy!
Thank you for posting this. I also feel there could be many other bloggers/fitness and health enthusiasts out there who could be suffering but don’t know it yet… I was one of them until late last year. I will definitely help spread this message!
Thanks, Bri!
I hope 100,000+ people read this! It is so sad that so many disordered behaviors are seen as normal and even praised. Totally heartbreaking. Thank you so much sharing.