Hey guys, I hope the start of the week is treating you well.
I have to be honest with you… I had a really hard time trying to decide on what to post today. My original plan was to join Katie’s MIMM with a Vegas recap, but in light of what happened in CT on Friday, talking about the things that I’ve been blessed with and how in love with life I am right now feels somewhat wrong and makes me feel incredibly guilty. How can I be happy when so many are hurting? How can I ignore the pain and suffering of others? I can’t… but at the same time, how can I ignore my blessings? How can I not be happy with all the good things in my life?
I can’t do that either.
So I’m torn. On the one hand, the thought of those little lives that were lost brings tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I feel so far removed from what happened… I can’t pretend to know what it feels like to lose a child; I can’t pretend to know what it feels like to be part of a community that’s been shattered by such an act of horror; I can’t even imagine those things – I know what it feels like to hurt, but nothing that I’ve been through even remotely comes close to what happened in CT. I don’t know why some people have to suffer while others don’t; I don’t know why some people are saved from that kind of pain while others aren’t; all I know is that things like that should never happen.
I’m trying to digest all this and try to figure out how to balance my gratitude and grief. I don’t know how to cope with intense emotion – both positive and negative. I have a hard time expressing extreme happiness, and the same difficulty with showing extreme sadness – I can never seem to find the perfect words to express exactly how it is that I’m feeling so what I end up showing is… nothing. I bottle up my emotions and pretend that whatever’s happening isn’t happening because acknowledging it would overwhelm me. Defense mechanisms at their finest, eh?
So that’s where I stand. Grief, gratitude, and guilt; and try as I might, I can’t make sense of this jumble of emotions. Should I be grateful for what I have or should I be grieving for what happened? Probably both, and I’ll get back to you when I figure out how to do that. For today, I’m putting off the recaps, getting myself settled back in to normal life, and keeping those affected by this tragedy in my thoughts and prayers.
Just stumbled on this looking for something slightly different and so glad I did — great post! I think so many agree with this sentiment, but don’t take the time to talk about it. I also think it happens not just after national tragedies, but also after someone we know goes through a loss or we go through one personally. Ironically, losses make us so much more gratiful for what we have, but can also make us feel guilty for those things, which you put words to perfectly. I remember when I lost my dad feeling guilty when I would have moments of not thinking about it or enjoying other things and other people in my life. The reality, of course, it that if we didn’t let the loss help us find the appreciation we would all go a little crazy I think.
So very well put. It really is such a horrific thing that has happened and it’s a shame that all I can do is keep them in my thoughts and prayers, but at the same time we need to be thankful for what we have and to just to live life fully.
Well said dear. I don’t think any of us know how to process this madness! xoxo
I don’t know … There are tragedies happening in the world EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes, I feel awful about what happened and so sorry for all the parents that lost their little ones, but this tragedy does not and should not affect me/you personally. I think it’s completely okay that such happenings make you realize how lucky you are and how good you have it, you should not feel any guilt whatsoever about it. It seems that most bloggers seem obligated to express grief on events that got so much media attention and I disagree with that; just because you update your blog on such day and go on with your life, it doesn’t mean you’re heartless.
Whenever a tragedy occurs, it’s always tough to decide whether to acknowledge it or not. I think it’s definitely okay to feel sad over the situation but it’s totally normal too to appreciate all the gifts and blessings you’ve been given. The guilt thing is hard too–I feel bad for complaining about the little things going wrong in my life when so many parents and families have to deal with the loss of a child. But I don’t feel like I should do a tribute post or anything because I really don’t know how the people affected by the shooting are feeling and I don’t want to pretend like I do. I really liked how you compared your grief, gratitude and guilt in this post though and I think it’s fine to feel all three at once!
I think you wrote about this tragic event very elequently. I feel the same and am without words. I am a teacher and I can’t imagine having to protect a classroom full of little minds…
Thank you for your post.
I don’t actually live in America, nor am I an American, but when I read the newspaper and came across this piece of horrifying news, my heart literally sank.
Looking at the images of the terrified children and reading through the description about the incident that happened made me shudder. I kept thinking ‘why?’: A girl who had just celebrated her 6th birthday days ago and other innocent, bright children got shot- I kept trying to picture how hard must it have been for the parents to accept the news; what about the headmistress and the brave teachers who stood up to protect the children and sacrificed themselves- what about their children? Who was going to take care for their children? So many questions marks aroused in my head… but no answers. Only the ones involved know how painful and despairing to have to go through it.
As I was reading about the unbelievably dreadful news, it was as though I was hit by a ton of bricks. I thought about how blessed I am, as are my family members, to have each other, to be alive, healthy, safe and I reminded myself to always be grateful in life as life is too unpredictable- we never know what’s going to happen to next second. And I hope, we never need such tragedy to happen again, until we finally wake up and truly appreciate who and what we have.
Ive been crying like a BLUBBERING fool anytimes someone mentions the shooting. I just cant imagine what their parents or going thruogh, or even the kids who made it out alright. How are they ever going to feel safe at school again?Whose going to open all the gifts under tha christmas tree now? How are these parents going to make it through christmas, knowing they have all these gifts for their child, and he or she will never see the,. I just cant even imagine.I dont WANT to imagine.
In writing how you were troubled about your feelings and not knowing how to handle this I think you’ve found the answer. There is no perfect way of deciding for one or the other feeling but letting both of them take up place. Feeling sad for the unimaginable tragedy that has taken place doesn’t mean you can’t be thankful for what you have. In fact, while it is hard to think of – and even hard for me to write because I feel it makes me look like I wanted to talk the happenings down (please know I don’t mean to at all!!) – we all have to move on. Being grateful for what we have should make us more aware of how easily we could loose it all in the blink of a moment.
Very well put! <3
Beautifully written <3 My heart breaks for the family members of the victims & all who were affected.
You’ve managed to say everything in this post that I’ve had so much trouble articulating! Like you said, I feel so removed from this tragedy because I’m not a parent or a teacher or an American. But at the same time, I feel SO affected by it. It feels wrong to just to try to pick up and live life as normal after something like this happens. But I don’t know what else to do. I guess all we can really do is keep all those families and children in our hearts and appreciate the love in our own lives.
I honestly completely agree with Ivana (the commentor above me). I’ve been struggling to weather I should post a tribute to the lives lost. I am sad, of course and confused of why this could happen but I do feel so far away from the situation that is not appropriate for me personally. Thank you for bringing this up.
don’t ignore your blessings .. celebrate them and pull them closer to you. don’t ignore the suffering of others .. give of yourself to your community and find peace in doing good things for those in need. you are a beautiful person — share that beauty with the world. 🙂
Hey Amanda, I have been reading your blog ever since you began at runwithspoons.wordpress.com, but this is the first post that has made me feel the urge to comment.
What happened in CT is for sure a big tragedy. There’s nothing more dangerous and powerful than a human mind which has been accumulating tension for years and it’s just a matter of time till it explodes like a volcano and nothing more incomprehensible and sad than shooting kids.
However, in my opinion, nobody should feel grief just because they think they’re SUPPOSED to feel sorry and display their regrets. Of course it’s terrible and striking to hear something like that is even possible to happen, but when it does, I think it’s more important to concentrate on what you can do to prevent this from happening in your own surroundings and to enjoy what you have. It’s not like you should feel guilty because it didn’t affect you and you are having a good time. Life goes on, as hard but amazing as ever, so I suggest people stop living in grief, as it doesn’t help neither the poor kids nor their families and try to make the world better instead ☺.
Sorry if my thoughts are disturbing to you, I just felt like sharing my insight on this topic.
Please continue with what you’re doing here, your blog is unique and I think we need more of these which don’t go with the ED/health-freak flow.
Greetings from Slovakia! 🙂
Ivana
Very well put, Amanda! It’s difficult to go on with normal life with the knowledge how many people are suffering from this tragedy. It’s difficult to comprehend the state that humanity has deteriorated to. But at the same time, we can’t forget to count our blessings even during the sadness. No matter how many articles I read about the shooting, it just seems to surreal and sick to be true.
Wonderful and thank you. Even though I live far away, it hit me and I was totally shocked about what happened. We will never get to understand why someone would do something like this. The only thing we can do is to be aware and grateful of what we have, and to spread love and hope and to think about and pray for those who are affected.
I too have been overcome by intense feelings of grief since Friday. The tragedy in Connecticut has been on my heart, and in nearly every conversation I’ve had with friends and family. Like you, I grappled with whether or not I should write a “happy” post, or whether I should let my writing reflect my sadness. Ultimately I opted for the former, in hopes of reminding people that there still is love and laughter in this world, however after clicking “post,” I began questioning that decision. :'( Thank you for being so honest here, as always. Hugs. <3 xoxo
Totally agree with you Amanda. It’s so hard to know how to process this. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way. Well, unless you have no compassion for the people involved. I think we all need to spread awareness and love. I completely and 100% agree with all you wrote. It’s like you said what has been on my mind! xox
Just like with EDs — if you’ve never experienced one, you will never understand what it’s like or why it even starts. I’m not normally one of those people who gets very emotional or touched by news events because, like you said, if it doesn’t directly affect you, you really cannot empathize 100% no matter how hard you try.
But I’ve been substitute teaching for over a year in conjunction with the current job I hold, so this tragedy absolutely floored me. I was kind of in a daze this past weekend and have had trouble falling asleep without some part of the story playing over in my mind.
But there is no shame in celebrating the good things in your life while also recognizing that life is fragile. Hope you have a good week.
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Amanda.
I think you really nailed it for me. I don’t know how to process this, i work with kids I can’t imagine this happening. at the same time I wasn’t there, I don’t know them personally but all I want to do is cry for them.
I too am still trying to absorb this awful tragedy. My heart goes out to all those families affected by such a tragic experience.
I feel the same. I have been posting since it happened and every day I feel extremely guilty for it, but at the same time I am feeling so blessed for even the littlest things that tragedies like this teach me not to take for granted. It’s definitely not an easy thing to deal with and I don’t think there is one right way to go about grieving something like this, so just stay true to how you feel and we will all support whatever that may be.
I agree with you Amanda. It is tough to know how to handle this situation that is such a tragedy but I think anyway we can spread some love, light, and prayers is okay.
I’m a regular reader, but I don’t normally comment. I have had a hard time putting my feelings regarding the shooting in CT, but it’s like you took the words right out of my mouth. Very well stated! Also, I totally understand what you mean about not being able to handle intense emotion… it’s so hard to come up with the right words sometimes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and hope you were able to still have a good time in Vegas 🙂
Very well stated, my dear. <3
Of course. I totally understand. Anything other than talking about the tragedy in Newtown feels selfish. On Friday, a day I usually don’t post, I just had to write about the events, especially since it’s close to where I grew up. It makes sense for us to put things on hold for a period.