These dratted introductions are getting harder and harder to come up with. Hrmm. Alright, let’s see…
Hi there! 😀
Pretend I’m waving…
How are ya? Good I hope. What’s that? Oh, I’ve been well, thank you -keeping busy. The weather? Yeah, I can’t believe it either; it’s supposed to be like this all week, but what can you do. Anything exciting happen since we last spoke? Huh. You don’t say… that’s really something. Me? Oh, you know… same old, same old – lazing about, half-heartedly looking for a summer job, avoiding the scale like the plague…
Whaaa…? 😯
No, friends, you didn’t read that wrong – it’s time I ‘fessed up and let you in on a little secret:
I haven’t weighed myself in over a year.
It’s true – it’s been over a year since I’ve had a one-on-one date with the bathroom scale (we’ve had a few rendezvous where a third party was involved), which means that, for the past year, I haven’t had the slightest idea as to how much I weigh. Absolutely none. I’m sorry to drop that kind of bomb shell on you this early in our relationship, but it’s true – I’m completely clueless. Try not to think less of me, I have feelings too, you know? And I have several feelings concerning the scale – none of them good ones.
Simply put: I hate very much dislike it.
Why? Because it bossed me around and made me feel like crap.
So? I kicked it’s cold-hearted, abusive ass butt to the curb. Boom. Goodbye Charlie.
Missing: One scale…
Note: My scale was not named Charlie…
I used to weigh myself religiously – at least once a day if not more. And since it was always done first thing in the morning, the number I saw would dictate how the rest of my day played out. Good number? Good day. Bad number? Bad day. And as time went on, my idea of a good number just kept getting lower and lower, which, as you can imagine, didn’t lead me to a good place at all.
And that’s not even the worst of it…
Once I got to that place, the scale was what kept me there for so long. I became so fixated on getting to, and staying at, a certain number that it pretty much became my sole purpose in life, and the scale told me whether I was a success or a failure. The problem was that I needed to recover – if I wanted to live to see my next birthday, I needed to gain weight. But how could I when, according to my faithful bathroom floor companion, gaining weight made me a failure? There was only one option – I had to give up the scale.
So I did.
Oh, and I had to start eating more, so I did that too…
Mish-mash bowl: steamed broccoli, pasta sauce, Amy’s Texas burger, hummus/avocado sandwich.
Chocolate and cookie yogurt mess & Fruit and cereal yogurt mess.
Snobby Joes and avocado over grilled asparagus.
Was it easy? Hell no. Those first few weeks were filled with so much anxiety and discomfort that I thought I would go crazy. And it wasn’t just because I was fearful of gaining weight either – simply not knowing the exact number was filling me with uncertainty and panic. My scale had told me how to feel for so long, that I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel in its absence. Was it a good day? Was it a bad day? There was no number to tell me anymore. But that’s when I began to pick up on other things…
How do you satisfy multiple cravings? Put them all in a bowl and hope for the best…
Suddenly, I began to notice so many other aspects of recovery that I was missing before. While my attention was focused on a particular number, I remained blind to all of the other things that I was gaining in addition to weight, like health, happiness, and freedom. Without a number interfering with my thought process, I was finally able to see how much better my life was becoming.
. – . – . – .
It’s been over a year since I let a number tell me how to feel about myself, and in all honesty, I can’t say I ever went to set foot on a scale again. Yes, sometimes I get curious, but what good will that knowledge do me? Will it change the kind of person that I am? Will it change the fact that I have a quirky personality? Or that I have a loving heart? No. A number doesn’t change or contribute to the essence of who I am, it simply changes how I feel about that person – and that’s just wrong.
If we base our happiness and self-worth on something like a number that’s constantly changing, then our level of happiness and self-worth will be constantly changing as well. Yes, certain things have the power to affect how we feel, but those things should be the ones that really matter in life, and a particular arrangement of numbers just isn’t one of them.
. – . – . – .
Do you weigh yourself on a regular basis?
Does it affect how you feel?
Have you ever thought about quitting?
i was never obsessed with the scale… but now that I am back at the hospital for regular check ups, I have to be weight 1 -2 times a week..
it doesnt help that I am working (out) more , and since I was a dancer/gymnast in the past..I have a lot of muscle memory, so my body builds muscle quickly… also since muscle weighs more than fat.. the number on the scale goes up, when I am still eating the same of less!
Its mind fking… i dont get it..
I am so proud of you for not stepping on the scale!!
and your snobby joes look AMAZING..
Hi Amanda! First off, I’m so glad you’ve come back to blogging–I missed your clever and insightful posts! I’m trying to get back into the blogging swing of things myself.
Anyway, I have been trying really hard not to weigh myself. I know exactly where the scale is hidden in my house, and I avoid that room at all costs to avoid the temptation. I still weigh myself occasionally, probably once every few weeks, but for me it’s a lot better than when I would weigh myself at least 3 times a day.
Congrats on kicking the scale to the curb! I’m sure we’re all much happier when we–and not some silly number–determine the outlook of our day 🙂
I haven’t weighed myself in ages, either. I’ve been weighed, but I don’t know the number… and I don’t want to. Ideally, I’d love to be able to weigh myself and not freak out, but since that isn’t likely right now, I’ll just stay far, far away, thank you very much!
<3 <3
Sometimes I think about trying to mend my relationship with the scale as well, but then what’s the point really? The number doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things.
LOVE this post!! Seriously, I am now addicted to your blog haha! 😛
I never weigh myself any more either! Also I don’t think it counts for much. When I was technically at a ‘healthy’ weight I still wasn’t healthy and my body fat was too low, so I think its kinda misleading! I’ve quit, and I’m never going back! 🙂
One year!!! Wow! You are my hero, Amanda!
I went one month without a scale and couldn’t stand not knowing the number anymore. One day I went out for a walk and came back home with a new scale. I am not ashamed to admit that I use it every day. Somehow it manages to calm me down. The numbers are higher but it is not as frustrating as it used to be. I just need to know. I see the verdict, I promise myself to stop stuffing myself with cookies and the next day I meet the cookie fairy again 🙂 .
I hardly ever weigh myself anymore…maybe once every few months. MAYBE.
Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, the number on the scale means nothing in terms of health.
The number that does matter? How you feel about yourself and your capabilities, on a scale of 1-10. 🙂
Amanda, I love you more and more each day as you continue to blog these amazing posts. It is SO refreshing to read a blog that speaks about the reality of life and gives an honest and true opinion on what people need to hear and want to talk about but may be scared to. So much of the blogging world is ‘false’ and just tries to be all happy happy when life isn’t like that.
As for the scales, it’s funny because my ED didn’t start out with focusing on what I weighed. I didn’t even realise that I weighed so little until people started approaching me and my parents sat me down. I was more obsessed with just not eating. The thing that did make me obsessive about my weight, believe it or not, was when I was made an inpatient in a unit as they insisted on weighing patients everyday! Then habit has been engrained into me for years of being a patient that I don’t know any different.
However, now, even though I still weigh myself everyday, I’m actually doing it to make sure that I AM gaining weight. The number doesn’t phase me at all because it’s what I want. I want to be healthy and I hate how skinny certain parts of my body still are. If I gain weight, I think ‘great!’ and if I don’t I think ‘hmm well I guess I can’t gain everyday, I’ll keep working on it’. I hope that when I do get to my healthiest weight I can feel comfortable enough not to need or want to weigh myself anymore. But I guess in the meantime at least I’m doing it to get healthy rather than in a destructive way.
<3 you!
Awesome post!! I totally agree with how damaging a scale can be – I no longer am a slave to the scale – it’s just a number and what does that number “really” mean? I am so happy for you and agree that I have never felt better since I ditched my scale!!
Love your yogurt messes – perfect for the summer weather!
Aim:)
OMG CAN I PLEASE HAVE UR SNOOBY JOES!! they look fab and so nicely presented!! please cook for me! im lazy!
i never weigh myself! i rly dnt care about a number– honestly.. im all about how i feel about my body and if i like the way i look and if im treating my body well!
ahh love this post 🙂 as you know this hits close to home for me. I’m feeling the anxiety less and less each day. I miss it less and less each day. It’s still weird not to have my door stopper though. I’m still fearful of the scale and those numbers but knowing that it’s not that and that I don’t have to face them anymore is a huge relief! I love this post! and your blog. 🙂
You’ve been doing amazing, girlie! And you’re right – it definitely gets easier as time goes on.
Getting fixated with numbers or what it says on a scale is never a good thing, ahhh… I wish I can have the guts to just not weigh myself, I have such a strong unhealthy attachment to that bastard 🙁
Just wondering though, given that you don’t weighed yourself, how would you know that you are physically at a healthy weight though?
Someone else monitored my weight while I was gaining, and now I go by how I feel. I’m energetic, I’m happy, my body works the way it’s supposed to… those things are far better indicators to me than a number on the scale.
That is such a great topic! Thank you for being so open about your past and sharing the story here. I know many girls whose life is bounded around the scale and weight issues and there was a time when I also couldn´t imagine not stepping on a scale for at least a day. But I managed to tame the beast and guess what? It´s been 7 years since I last stood on the scale! I am so happy for this, because I feel much better, much more comfortable with my own body. It was always just a number, but that number could ruin whole day and let you feel sad and depressed. Now the only numbers that leave me feeling depressed are on my bank account :))
The “Snobby Joes and avocado” looks extremely tasty!! Actually I love all the pictures you posted here 🙂
7 years?! Congrats, girl! That’s super awesome! It’s always great to see examples of people who are able to stay healthy without having to use the scale to keep themselves “in line”.
I never used to weight myself, but that resulted in me gaining a bunch of weight and not even realizing that. I mean, I knew I gained weight, but I didn’t realize how much. So last summer, when I devoted myself to a healthier lifestyle, I started weighing myself once in a while. After I lost the weight that was bothering me, I weighed myself once a week just to make sure I wasn’t gaining it back. However, a while ago I decided not to weigh myself anymore. I mean, I could do it, but would that really change anything? After all, it’s just a number and I would never want to depend on it.
I gave up the scale for Lent, as odd as that might sound. Although I was anxious for a while during that period, after about a month, I found I didn’t miss it at all. And I totally would have been okay if I’d never stepped on again, at least for a long, long while. Unfortunately, I’ve actually been weighing lately now more than ever, because I’m worried I’m losing, and that’s the one thing I can’t afford to do… Le sigh. Hopefully someday I’ll be rid of it for good.
On another note, let’s see that snobby joe recipe sometime soon, yeah? It looks amazing.
Oh girl.. me too! Hence one of my latest posts about the scale. But I’m proud to say it does NOT affect me anymore. It’s. Just. A. Number.
I saw that, and I’m SO proud of you. I have no idea what my reaction would be if I stepped on it again… maybe someday I’ll have to test the waters and see 😆
I think that is so awesome, congratulations! I don’t weigh myself much because.. well, even though I’m not completely happy with how I look, I’m satisfied enough. I don’t need to drive myself crazy weighing myself every day or every week for.. what? I just need to focus on eating healthy, which is what I’m NOT good at… I’m hoping you start to rub off on me, your meals look so good and healthful!
I am in the process of battling my eating disorder, and thus am a slave to my scale, but I have been taking great strides. I hadn’t known my weight in about 6 days, but my mom had to weigh me today to make sure I was not underweight-or I wouldn’t have been able to go on the Guatemala mission trip. I passed the test! By 1.4lbs! Whoop! And that is the thing, it didn’t make me feel like shit that I had gained.
I’ve also been avoiding the scale for the past year and a half- I don’t own one and rarely have access to one- I admit I am often still tempted if I step into a friend’s bathroom to find a scale on the ground, but I feel that if I am happy with the way I am/look/am living why would I need to know how much I weigh and risk the negative side effects/obsessiveness that can potentially regrow out of that?
When I had anorexia I was definitely an obsessive weigher and usually would only weigh myself in the morning when I knew I would be the lightest- and like you the “acceptable” numbers kept decreasing and thus the obsessiveness and potential of my entire day getting ruined went wayyyy up.
Ugh so glad I am not there anymore
Yes! As long as you’re feeling good and healthy, what use is there in a number? None!
I don’t weight myself – usually just use the tightness of my clothes as an indicatior of my weight, so it gives me more room for healthy flucuation than a scale. I’ve gone through phases where I like to weight myself, but now I’m at a point where numbers don’t really matter. It’s not easy, but I try to focus on all the things I can do with my body and how I feel rather than thinking of myself as a number.
and omg, your food presentation is amazing – especially love the avocado and asparagus!
Amen to this! I used to weight myself every single day, sometimes multiple times. But I can’t remember the last time I’ve stepped on it! Actually, I have no idea where the scale even is…and it feels soooo good!
And standing ovation, please because I applaud you.
I never got chained to the scale to the extent that some have but it is still an issue.
I just KNOW that it would kill my spirit for a bit if I step foot on it.
It is pretty unnecessary I believe.
Hi Amanda, I’m new to the food blogging community and just found your blog but I have to tell you how strongly this post strikes a chord with me. I used to be one of those people whose day was dictated by the number I saw every morning on the scale. Your not weighing yourself for an entire year is incredibly inspiring to me and I hope that some day I can live without the knowledge of my weight. Really, how does that knowledge help me? I think you said it best — “Will it change the kind of person that I am? Will it change the fact that I have a quirky personality? Or that I have a loving heart? No. A number doesn’t change or contribute to the essence of who I am” Thank you for this post and for a wonderful blog. 🙂
And thank you for your comment! It’s hard to let go of the scale because it almost becomes like an addiction – but if you slowly wean yourself off it by decreasing how often you weigh yourself, it’ll get easier.
ahh..scales, such a dreadful thing it used to be.
Now I’m careless. I try to focus more on how I feel and what I can do with my muscles and strength – because that’s what’s important 🙂 I mean, who f-ing cares about a number? It’s “you” and your “personality” that plays a big role in your life.
I love you more and more every day. I ditched the scale in December, and I haven’t looked back since. I know I’ve gained weight, but I’m okay with it. My body has crreped to it’s “happy weight”, and well, I’m happy about it!
Isn’t it strange how we think that being thinner will make us happier, when we’re really the happiest when our bodies are at their happy weight? It’s just too bad that most people aren’t willing to accept that weight. You rock, girl!
The numbers on the scale were never something I was obsessed about, I was just obsessed with calories. How much was I getting? That’s all I cared about. And my daily intake just kept getting lower and lower. It got really bad.
I don’t weigh myself often but I like to every once in a while to just check in!
I have such a similar history with the scale! Luckily I kicked it to the curb before anything dramatic happened. I now have no idea what I weigh. Well not an exact number at least but I can assume I still weigh what I weighed last time I checked because all my clothes still fit. And really when I stop and think rationally there’s no way I’m going to gain weight if I maintain the lifestyle I have right now, so there’s no need to worry or weigh!
I said goodbye to my scale a while a go as well. I was sick of it determining my outlook and how I felt. I always tell people that the scale reminds me of my ex boyfriend. They both give me just enough at the right time to keep me hanging on, but otherwise are down right abusive
I don’t weight myself. But I’m critically low weight now (so maybe I should). I want it to go up. I can’t relate to the desire for a low number. I guess my situation has been different like that.
I love your yummy eats.
I’ve committed my to bed and sitting rest. I feel crazy for doing this. I feel crazy for making myself eat more (moving up the calories) and for counting more calories and making myself eat them when everyone else does the opposite.
I love love your food. I just wish I didn’t feel that guilt and doubt for myself about it. I don’t exercise or move. And I have at least a year to go. Its a weird and difficult thing to wrap my head around.
How do people eat so little and exercise so much? Or just gain “naturally” without counting or forcing?
Makes no sense to me and makes me self-doubt all of this. But I’m so tired of it. So I’m committed to it. I just wish the darned guilt would go away you know? That guilt for being a blob on a bed that just eats a lot. Feels so wrong and primitive or something. So backward and confusing.
Your photography is amazing. Fancy camera!
Congrats on breaking up with the scale and staying broken up for good! 😀
I used to let the number on the scale dictate my happiness too. But now I never weigh myself unless I’m at the doctor. And oddly enough, it actually makes me HAPPY to hear that my weight is higher now because it means I’m healthy again!
That’s so great! Love that attitude!
U go girl! Kicknthat scale to the curb!! We actually do not own a scale in out house, I never wanted to or needed one, when i go to the doctor for a yearly check up, that’s when I go on a scale ; ) I feel good and feel healthy, don’t need a scale to decide if I am , I know how I feel!
Love u!!
Congrats on making it a whoel year!! I never really weighed myself I always went by clothing sizes which is pretty dumb considering no two brands are never the same!! I love all of your bowls, especially that chocolate and cookie yogurt mess, what exactly is in it?
It isssss… vanilla flavored Greek yogurt, a crumbled up chocolate chip oatmeal cookie that I dug out of the depths of my freezer, and a glob of chocolate pudding, aka my addiction 😀
Scales suuuck. I think it’s good if you need to gain, but after awhile it just becomes a silly obsession. Luckily I never got into the whole scale thing but I can see how it can spiral out of control real fast!
We didn’t have scale when I was growing up, and when I first saw one in someone’s bathroom I thought it was so weird. My naive little self couldn’t understand why someone would need or want to know how much their body weighed. Good for you on overcoming the need to know and realizing you are not defined by a number. With each post I fall more in love with your blog, I’m hooked. Oh, and can I come over for some snobby joes,they look delsih!
What a wonderful post 🙂 A year without stepping on a scale is a great achievement!
I was never one to weigh myself everyday as I was so dang afraid of knowing the number so I only weighed myself once a week. As I was recovering, weighing myself became even more torturous, especially when I had people weighing me multiple times a week! That was when I chose to no longer see the number. Like you, it was having a huge effect on my emotions and I just wanted to be free.
Now at a healthy weight, I weigh myself weekly because I feel like I can’t keep avoiding something (that something being the scale) that ruled my life for so long — I need to mend the relationship I have with it. In doing so, I am able to monitor my weight on my own without having a number define who I am. It actually feels pretty amazing to see a number that I never in a million years thought I’d see and actually not have any emotion attached to it whatsoever. We all should do what works for us 🙂
xxx
I used to weight myself everyone morning. Only once a day in the morning before any food/water went into my stomach.
now I’ve had my scale permanently removed from my bathroom and hidden from me. I still visit the doctor every month to get weight but he has me turn away so I don’t see.
Honestly sometimes when I get stressed I start to look for that stupid scale, but I don’t look very hard and I never find it. I’m now pretty sure even if the scale was right in front of me every morning I still wouldn’t weigh myself – not worth it at all!
I’m going to need that snobby joe recipe darling… oh. my. gosh!
I haven’t weighed myself in a month or so! I can’t get rid of the scale b/c Paul loves to weigh himself every day before bed but I’ve become indifferent to its lure lately and I love it!
Glad you’re scale-less for a year and counting! <3 it feels great right? =) I'm so happy for you!
It’s been almost a year since I’ve weighted myself. Like you, I am curious sometimes, but then I tell myself that it will drag me into that cycle all over again…even if the number I see is “alright,” I know I’ll go back to make sure I haven’t deviated from that number, etc. I tell myself that this weight is the one that I HAVE to be at; if not, I won’t have my period, which is clearly not the right weight for my body! Sometimes I have fears that I am gaining weight (usually during my bloated week, times of inactivity, etc.), but then I counter that voice and tell myself that my clothes still fit, so obviously I’m the same! I’m trying to focus on things outside of my body that make me feel happy, like reading a good book, spending time with my family and friends, etc. I don’t know that I’ll ever weigh myself again either..definitely not until I kick the whispers of ED that still crop up occasionally for good!
I have an easier time focusing on other things too when I’m not focusing on numbers 🙂
Thankfully I only weigh myself when I go to the doctor’s (and now that I’m doing well, I only see the doctor about 3 times a year).
Congratulations on being able to kick that bad habit in the butt! I understand how a scale can become obsessive, but for me the affect is a bit different. When I weigh my self the voice I hear is “See you can eat all the great food and still not drastically gain” which is reassuring and encourages me to eat all the great food I want to. I try to listen to what my body craves during the day, and find that if I do the number won’t change.
Thanks for this post, I’ve never thought of quitting, but putting less emphasis on the number is always a positive thing 🙂
That’s definitely a positive way to approach it 😀
it’s funny – I was never an obsessive weigher. In fact, I prefer not to know how much I weigh. You’d think that that someone who SERIOUSLY could care less about the number on a scale would have no problem mustering up the strength and will power to gain weight. Hmphhh.. it’s such a complex and irrational disorder.
I am SO proud of you for kicking “Charlie’s” ass to the curb. He doesn’t deserve you. That dinner though? more than worthy of a hot and steamy love affair.
Love you, chica! <3