Hello, hello my friendly faces!
Firstly and formostly, thank you so much for all of the sweet comments, tweets, texts, e-mails, and messages that you sent me for my birthday. You guys really know how to treat a girl right 😉
I was originally going to write a “30 things about my 30th birthday” recap like I did for 29 and 28, but I just wasn’t feeling it this year. I was feeling a little more serious and reflective, so I hope you don’t mind a more personal post. I also meant to get this post up yesterday, but I needed an extra day to “digest” the big 3-0.
Truth be told, I’m still wrapping my head around the fact, but hopefully getting my thoughts out onto [digital] paper will help me make sense of the nonsense swirling around in my head. So here we go…
I should probably start by saying that I’m not normally one to make a big fuss over birthdays (I think 21 was the last year I really took notice of one?), but I will admit that 30 hit me pretty hard. Logically, I knew I wasn’t going to become a different person as soon as the clock struck 12 and the date changed from the 3rd to the 4th, but there was something about 30 that made it feel like a big deal. Maybe I went through the same kind of thing transitioning from my teens to my twenties — I can’t remember.
In any case, the feeling first hit me around 8 PM on the night before the big day. It was this nervous anticipation mixed with a sort of panicked dread. On the one hand, I was really looking forward to turning 30… especially since I kept hearing so many people say that their 30’s have been some of their best years. On the other hand, I only had 4 more hours left in my 20’s before that chapter of my life would be closed for good. Like… what?!?
Another thing bothering me, I think, was the fact that I didn’t really have anything big planned for my birthday… and I guess I kind of felt like I should since 30 seemed like a big deal? I was actually considering organizing something fancier for a while there, but then I realized that I would only be doing it because I felt like I should — not because I genuinely wanted to.
If I’m being completely honest here, I’m pretty much all celebrated out at this time of the year. Between all the craziness of Christmas and New Year’s, my introverted self is just looking for a dark corner to hide in some peace and quiet, and a return to my normal routine. And that’s okay.
One of the things I love most about getting older is the fact that I feel so much more comfortable with who I really am. I spent a good chunk of my 20’s hiding my quirks and constantly trying to reconcile the person I was with the person I thought I should be. It was exhausting. But the older I get, the more I love and embrace those odd aspects of myself. I realize they may not appeal to everyone, but I no longer care. That’s not to say that I’m trying to become some loud-and-proud menace to society, but that I can finally truly see the futility in trying to impress anyone who can’t like me for who I am — quirks and all.
So I had a blissfully quiet 30th birthday with family, a few close friends, and a surprise visit from a very good friend that I hadn’t seen in years. There was good food, chocolate cake, a shopping spree, and conversations had into odd hours of the night. It was really nice.
But that’s not to say that the day was without its hiccups. To be honest, there were a few moments where I really wished I was wearing waterproof mascara… and not because I was crying happy tears. See, despite all the things I have to be grateful for (and I -am- grateful for them… don’t get me wrong), I can’t help but feel like there’s still something missing — like I’m not exactly where I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. I genuinely thought I would be married and have kids by now, and — needless to say — that’s not the case.
And this is where I admit that I have no idea what to make of that. On the one hand, it would be stupid of me to complain about the life I have right now. I have my own growing business. A lovely home. My health. People who care about me. Financial freedom. Independence… But on the other hand, there’s still.something.missing. I put so much time and energy into building up the independent/financial side of my life, that the social/familial side suffered as a result. Some of the expectations I had in my early 20’s weren’t met… but can I honestly say I’m in a bad place right now? Or that there isn’t a side of me that doesn’t love it? No. I can’t.
So turning 30 had its ups and downs, just like life has its ups and downs. My plan is to keep taking things as they come and making the most of whatever situation I’m given to work with. I’ve come to realize that things have a way of happening when it’s time for them to happen, and that while we may not be able to control the circumstances, we can damn well control the attitude we approach them with. I have a feeling this next decade is going to be a good one — because I’ve chosen it to be that way. Does that mean I’ll never throw myself the occasional pity party? No. But I’ll be sure to wear waterproof mascara (or none at all) because… ouch.
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Can you relate to not being in a place you expected to be at at a certain age?
When’s your birthday?!
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This is so beautiful and honest and I’m so late commenting on it, but I just want to say thank you for sharing. xoxo
AHAHAHAH I am not where I thought I would be at 25 at all. But I guess no one really is and if they are, eh… good for them. That’s part of growth, I guess. Anyway, HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY PRETTY GIRL XOXOXO
Born only the day before you has not made me any wiser. Turning 30 was online a step I had to take in life. I’ve accepted it. I have not been able to absorb it either. Our 30s are destined to be marvelous. Xoxoxoxox
I DEFINITELY can relate to feeling like you aren’t at a place in life where you thought and planned to be at this age. I’m 35, on my second marriage, and I thought I would have 4 boys long before I was 30. But I have 0. I am JUST now starting to come to grips with it, accept where I’m at, and not compare where I am to where other people my age are. We are all on our own paths. So who the hell cares who is what stage at what age?! It’s OUR life. OUR path. OUR chapter. OUR journey. I don’t think we are EVER “where we will end up” because we are constantly growing, learning, changing, moving, expanding. I think sometimes it can be a good thing to feel a little uncomfortable and “not where you should be”, because it kinda forces you to re-evaluate and maybe make a change that could totally change your life, your direction, and your happiness. And p.s. 30’s ARE great if you just sit back and enjoy them! 🙂
Love what you said about not comparing, Nikki. I honestly don’t even think I’d have a problem with where I’m at right now if I didn’t look at others my age and think… huh, I feel a little like the odd man out. But you’re right — everyone is on their own journey.
Happy Birthday and big hugs to you. This post is refreshing because I have age anxiety. I’m turning 27 this year and already feel old and like I’m already 30 and have moments of panic lately where I’m anxious that I’m not where I thought I would be, or settled, or have savings, or stability. I think no one feels grown up or knows what they are doing. It’s harder because everyone is doing things like marriage and kids later now too.
Hugs hugs bugs hugs. I am at the same way with my quickly approaching 27th. Where’s the big job and the kids?! It’s a strange feeling, but you’re doing awesome at life Amanda.
Even though I said it already, I feel like I can’t start this post without saying happy (belated) birthday!!
Anyway, if you remember my birthday posts and the ones leading up to it (and some after if I’m being truthful) I was pretty bummed out. I literally threw myself the mother of all pity parties (it was like a month long) to ‘celebrate’ my birthday. I can’t say that I understand everything that you’re feeling because my issues had more to do with my professional direction than personal direction, but her advice is still relevant here: you’re never too old, so don’t give up. <3
p.s. that XXX meme made me laugh out loud…but it's 1am here and my fam was not amused heh
Happy belated girl!! I’ve been out of touch with all of the social world lately so I’m really bummed I didn’t know sooner! And of all birthdays…
I “celebrated” my 30th in July and much like you, I wasn’t really into the whole celebration thing. I kept it a small intimate event and wanted to do a little “bar hopping” in my new town. Turns out, it’s not what it was like in my 20s, especially not here. It actually made me feel WORSE!
Reading your post was like opening my diary. Since turning 30, some evenings I’ve just felt lonely, feeling that I waited too long, that I made too many mistakes, that I pushed too many people away and now I’m the one that’s paying for it, while all those guys are married with beautiful children (and wives). But on the flip side, I do remind myself that it played out that way for a reason, so I could be independent, so I could find a job that truly made me happy. 30 is NOT old, 30 is NOT too late for anything. There is still SO much time for the rest of the pieces to fall into place, and it’s not just fate you have to rely on. Keep being yourself, put yourself out there (I know its hard for us introverts!) and you’ll come across someone who adores you for everything that you are and all those special quirks that make you, you.
Awwr thanks so much, girl <3 What you said about 30 being not too late for anything is spot on. I definitely get hit with those feelings of regret sometimes, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that a tonne of good came out of the decisions I did make, too.
First of all, happy belated birthday! I would have never guessed that you were 30! I just turned 20 but I already have a timeline in my mind of how I want things to pan out over the next 10-15 years. But you know what happens when you make plans…sigh. I always feel like I’m “behind” in the relationship/ stereotypical young adult experience but I’m learning there is no strict path we must follow and, like you said, I’m learning to love my introverted side and random quirks that make me me.
Also, have you seen the “Friends” episode “The One Where They All Turn 30”?? Must watch for a good laugh 🙂
Thank you for pouring your heart out and being completely honest with us. I know that’s not always easy to do but seeing that side makes me feel a stronger connection to you. I turned 30 almost 4 months ago and it was also one of those moments for me, where I thought I would be in a different place by now. The house, the kids, the hubs- the whole shabang. But I’m still in a shit load of student loan debt, working like a slave and paying someone else’s mortgage. AND my biological clock is ticking really freakin’ loud. Blogging doesn’t always help either. There are so many bloggers that seem to have perfect lives with everything in place and I find myself comparing my life to theirs which is never a good idea.
As much as we might feel pressure to be in a certain place by now, it’s okay that we’re not. I think Will Smith said it best, lol. You just have to stay focused on you. Do you what you love, enjoy every day, and the rest will fall into place. xoxo
Omigosh, blogging — yes, yes, YES. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is having babies or getting married. But there are actually a good number of people in my (our?) position, so I think it’s important to be conscious of that comparison trap and focus on the awesome things we DO have. The time for everything else will come too.
It is really say that you are still in student loans debt’s!
Yeah, it is really sad that she doesn’t pay off her debts and student loans because they are really harm your life, and you are always in a hurry to pay it off, but this money is always gone faster than papers that you will get from banks. I was in a situation like yours when I needed to pay off a student loan and I used https://paydaysay.com/tax-refund-cash-advance-emergency-loans.php services like this to save some money and just to create a credit card where I started to collect some amount of cash that I spend to pay off this debt, and now I am feeling perfect.
Yeah, it’s extremely unfortunate that she doesn’t pay off her debts and college loans because they can truly ruin your life, and you’re always in a rush to pay them off, but money disappears faster than bank papers. When I needed to pay off a student loan in a similar circumstance to yours, I used https://easyqualifymoney.com/. services like this to save some money and just get a credit card where I began to accumulate some cash that I spent to pay off this debt, and now I am feeling fantastic.
I loved hearing your thoughts on turning 30. Particularly your openness about feeling like ‘something’ is missing despite ‘having everything’. I feel ya. I felt like that way too & it was because I was always trying to talk myself OUT of the idea that I wanted to create a connection with someone special. That my career and building my life were more of a priority.
I found a quote recently that says, “When your soul is longing it’s trying to tell you something”. It wasn’t until I made the choice to actually be open to the idea of letting someone in, that magic started happening. 🙂
So real. Thanks for putting it out there girl. Some things just need saying, whether they’re sugar-coated or not. Obviously nothing I can say can fill any voids, but keep in mind that you don’t find peace when everything falls into place. Everything falls into place once you find peace… or something like that. Now back to that sugar-coating… wanna split a belated birthday ice cream cake with me in or pajamas watching GOT?
Very much YES <3 And this --> “you don’t find peace when everything falls into place. Everything falls into place once you find peace” <-- was just wonderful.
I really like posts like this. I know it’s hard for bloggers because they are so personal and who really wants to share EVERYTHING, but to me they are so much more enjoyable than recipes and randomness (not to say I don’t like your other posts too!). Your comment on how you feel like you may have put more effort into your financial/work life than your familial/personal hit home to me. When I was in high school and all throughout college I always put academics and work first. I never went on dates or anything like that. When I finally got my first “real” job and I was absolutely miserable, I knew something had to change. Part of what made me realize I hated working the hours it required was the fact that I met an amazing man and I realized I would SO rather put my time into growing that relationship (even though that’s scary and it might not work out) than being miserable and making a lot of money. Even if I loved my job, I knew that I needed to find more balance in my life. I think everything happens for a reason. So now that you’ve reflected some and realize you feel this way doesn’t mean you can’t make a change now. Timing is a funny thing, you might find yourself dipping your toe in a pool only to be completely submerged in it 2 seconds later : ) Either way, I sympathize with your mixed feelings but truly do feel all will work out in the end!
Thanks, Jazz! And you’re right — timing is definitely a crazy thing. Life can literally change in the blink of an eye, which is both a scary and exhilarating thought.
It’s a scary thing not being where you expected yourself to be at this time. But sometimes life has a way of working itself out in a way which we least expect. However, if finding someone to make a family with is a priority for you right now, then bump it to the top of the list. I believe good things happen when you least expect it but I also believe that you need to be ready to accept those things. Am I making any sense at all? *sigh* It’s too early for my brain to function properly.
Just remember that our 30 is not the same 30 of our parents and when we were younger we thought (or at least I thought) “my parents were married with one kid at 30 so that means I must be too”. However things have changed since then and, how does the saying go….”30 is the new 20″. As long as you’re happy, you know what you want out of your life, and you work towards getting it….I think you’re in a pretty damn good place right now.
Definitely making sense 🙂 And you’re right — opening yourself up to the possibility of something happening is SO important, and sometimes I wonder if I haven’t been keeping myself closed off for one reason or another. Definitely some food for thought.
I totally get you, my birthday is the 27th Dec and I am all partied and peopled out by then so i post pone celebrations until Jan and Feb when we all need some cheering up:) Love your honesty, gods got a good plan for you lovely even if it seems different to the one we would have planned! xx
Such a beautiful and raw post, buddy. Actually hits many relatable points, as strange as that sounds. This year is going to be amazing for you, and completely unrelated to age.
What a great and beautiful post (I love all of the quotes your chose) . I’ll be turning 27 next month, and I’m still in school, so yeah I’ve been feeling like I’m not where I’m supposed to be for my age for the last couple of years. But then I remind myself that I’m not in a rush and to just enjoy where I am right now. Wishing you all of the best over the next year, and looking forward to continue to read along here!
Thanks so much, Sara! And don’t worry about the whole timeline thing — everyone does things at their own pace.
First of all Happy Birthday!!!! I’m still a few years away from 30, but I feel like I can relate. I feel like I should be doing more and have more accomplished by now. I tend to overlook all the awesome things I have done already. I think 30 is going to be a great year for you!!
I think being 30 will be great! Who cares if you don’t have kids and a marriage? You also don’t have dirty diapers, mountains of laundry or a reason not to do anything you want. If you’re meant to have a family, you will. People are living longer and putting off family to enjoy themselves more. Our generation has learned to have personal experiences first. There’s something in that concept that is both scary and awesome at the same time.
“You also don’t have dirty diapers, mountains of laundry or a reason not to do anything you want.” <-- that was wonderful 😆 Thank you for putting it all into perspective xox
Happy Birthday!
What a beautiful and honest post. I’m coming up on my 30th as well (May of this year). In many ways I’m not where I thought I would be at this point in life either. I’m less off-track with personal goals than career goals, but my career is nowhere near where I thought I’d be at this point.
Oh well.
The other side of that is that I’ve also experienced many things I never thought I would. I’ve travelled places, met people, and have accomplishments that 19 year-old me could have never dreamed possible. So, tradeoffs I guess.
Of course, I’m not there yet. I’ll take your advice and be sure to wear waterproof mascara on the day, just in case the weight of it all comes crashing down. To be honest, it probably will. I’m a bit of a crybaby.
I think one of my current goals is to give up expectations that I place on myself – especially those that are societally-driven. Honestly, two years ago I had a completely different picture of where I thought my life would be at 25. Things didn’t work out the way I expected them too, but that’s fine – I don’t regret a thing and love the crazy directions my life have taken.
I’m a big believer in the idea that the Universe brings us what we need, when we need it. You are an amazing example of what it is to be strong, healthy and independent, and that will attract the right person and the right circumstances at the right time, I am confident in that.
I love the crazy direction your life has taken, too, because it brought you to AB <3
I think we all struggle with being disappointed that we’re not at a certain point when we get to a certain age. I remember I thought I’d have had tons of boyfriends by the time I was 20 (I had 0 at that point) or have a steady career and my own apartment by 25 (I don’t). But that’s the beauty of life – it’s different for all of us! And just because we may not be similar to other people our age, it doesn’t mean our life has any less worth or meaning. I think you’ve accomplished SO much in your 30 years (I mean, hello, this blog is amazing!) and this next decade will be even more full of successes. 🙂 Hit me up if you ever need to chat!
Thanks so much, Chelsea <3
Beautifully written post Amanda. I’m still a few years away from 30, and in many ways I feel like I am where I thought I would be at this point in my life (married, baby, career) yet so much of what you wrote still resonates with me. Happy birthday again 🙂
Beautiful. In a thought-provoking way. Not the average birthday post but in a very good way. I admire you for your honesty instead of blubbering about marvelous celebrations and how amazing you felt. It’s actually something I noticed in previous posts and – call me weird – a growth visible throughout your years of blogging. I’ve been reading since the days of “seek” and the development you [at least that’s what it appears like] underwent is impressive. You’ve always seemed like a sweet person but a lot more confident and at ease these days. Oh goodness, does that sound odd??
Anyway, while I’m still in my 20s – turning yet another year older on January 29th! – I can in a way relate to feeling like something is missing. At times I’m afraid I’ll get old too fast to still achieve many of the goals I have in life. The last year flying by in the blink of an eye didn’t help ease my anxiety in the least. What I’m trying to remind myself of is that it just means I need to really put an effort into making things happen NOW. Hm. .. I should add sticky notes saying that to every surface in my apartment.
Blushing. Thanks for that, Miss <3 And the thing I've realized as I've gotten older is that it really is never too late to do or achieve something. You're only limited by the limits that you place on yourself, so unless you tell yourself that you can't do it, the world will always be open to you.
One, I missed your birthday. I suck and I’m sorry 🙁 Or maybe I commented and don’t remember. I have no brain these days. Two, I can totally relate to how you are feeling. While the number doesn’t bother me, the fact that I don’t really know where I want to be in life does. SHOULDN’T WE KNOW THIS BY 30?!?! Don’t get me wrong, we both lead great lives but still. I think that the feeling is totally normal for those of us who are Type A, over-achieving, I want it all types 🙂 We are always striving for more which isn’t a bad thing. We just need to remember what we have accomplished in the years our booties have been on Earth and be happy for it. My birthday is going to be laid back too… again, it’s fine but I kind of like big bashes. Maybe we can have a combined one for 31? In Florida? Or in the mountains? Champagne, chocolate cake, sprinkles, confetti, the works! Deal?
Sounds perfect to me 🙂 And FL would probably be a better bet — it was -30 here on my birthday 😉
I can totally relate to where you are coming! When I turned 18 last year, it was anything but expected. My mom was in Texas with my grandpa as he passed away in a hospice. I was ordered by my doctor to start an all liquid diet because of continual problems from celiac disease. I ended up going to Chick Fil A with my dad and sister – my last solid meal for weeks! Talk about a downer!
When I turned 19 this year (September 6th to be exact), though, it was all better! More Chick Fil A, but with the whole family, a mini celebration with friends, and my first kiss happened a few days later. I guess good things do happen to people who wait! 🙂
When I turned 30 I spent it camping with my family. It was super low key but I enjoyed it very much. My mother even bought me a huge piñata to celebrate. Love your post because it is really relatable. I’m glad you ended up having a great time. Embrace it, it gets better.
30 is the year you just let go. Meaning you don’t care what other people think. you care about rest, life, being content, and the small things. It’s wisdom. and you have lots already. So welcome friends! 30’s are great! glad you had a small bday, those are perfect
ps life is always unexpected.. but at least God has his plans, right?
Right 🙂 And it’s always a good one!
I constantly feel like there is something missing from my life. I too, am healthy, have a wonderful job, supportive friends and family, but something is just MISSING. I can not figure out what it is, but it is def. standing in the way of my true happiness.
I thought once I had my eating disorder under control everything would be just PERFECT. However I realize, now that I DO have my eating disorder under control, is when all the REAL problems are surfacing, and I have to deal with them and tackle them and make myself uncomfortable
Hang in there!
Ohhhh that part right after coming out of an eating disorder is one of the hardest, because it’s all about discovering who you are… and it takes a while! But it’s nice to be able to learn more about yourself and fall in love with yourself a little more every day. Enjoy it 🙂
I absolutely LOVE this. Your honesty and wisdom is just beautiful, and I think anyone of any age can relate to your reflections on turning 30. I feel like I can’t say much since I’m still under 20, but there are definitely times when I feel like I haven’t “done enough” by now. I am still basically 100% dependent on my parents, I don’t have that much job experience, and I feel like I don’t have much under my belt as a result. But I have to remember that there is a time for everything, and my journey is unique.
You’re seriously one of my all-time inspirations, and I wish you the most incredible (good incredible) third decade. ♥
..or fourth decade technically?
Believe me, girl, I was definitely a late bloomer myself! But everyone comes into themselves at their own pace, and just because you think yours might be slower than others your age, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that. Just do you — it’s leading you down a good path so far 🙂
I recently turned the big 3-0 too (Happy Birthday by the way!!) and it did seem like a lot of pressure…you’re officially an adult, no excuses left, right? If you had asked me where I would be when I was 30 when I turned 20, it would definitely look different than it does. That being said, I’m SO GLAD the real 3o year old me is nothing like the 30 year old me of my young mind. I am having so much more fun than the 30 year old I thought I would be. I figure things fall into place when they’re supposed to and as long as you’re smiling along the way you’re good to go!
This was a lovely post! I think we all have these thoughts on where we are going to be at certain ages, and along the way, forget that life just happens. I know I thought my life would be different at 23 than it actually is. And while I could get down about it…I just have to remember that life is always going to be different than however we plan it to be. It can be hard to compare yourself to where others are around your age as well, which can still make it hard! Anyways…my birthday is on February 15, and I’ll be 23! I know I’m already calling myself 23…but I feel more that age than 22!
The beautiful thing about life is that, even if you’re not where you think you should be, there’s always a chance to change that. The older I get, the more and more I realize that it really is never too late. And 23… still so young! Enjoy it 🙂
What a great post Amanda–so honest and so true. I think we all have moments where we wonder why we aren’t at a certain place in our life. Honestly, I look at your life and see that you’re doing something you love for a living, and that’s not something many people can say. Here’s to your 30s dear–I have heard 30s are better than 20s so YAY! Happy belated Amanda 🙂
I had a very similar feeling when I turned 30 (a few short weeks ago). I love where my life is right now, but I still felt like I was missing something, or maybe that I hadn’t accomplished something I felt like I should have by 30. I don’t know why that arbitrary number effects how we feel about what we ‘should have’ done, or why we feel like that number is important in the things we want to accomplish. I can’t offer any advice since I’m in the same boat, but I will wish you luck in accomplishing everything you want to and everything you feel like you need to or should. Good luck and enjoy every minute of it!
Thanks, Sarah 🙂 Wishing you the same!
Happy Birthday!
Even if it’s just coming from a 22 year old, I can relate to looking back and not being where I expected. I had big dreams of moving to London after graduation, but an opportunity I really wanted came up in the states so I took it. I certainly don’t regret it but I do think about “what-if” a lot. But you seem to have this on lock with an awesome positive attitude.
Regardless of the tears, congrats on the big 3-0 my love. I know it can be difficult when you feel that something is missing, but let me just say that you are SO incredibly blessed to be where you are at [and you did it all WITHOUT a man!]. You should be so incredibly proud of your accomplishments [I’m sure you are!], because I know that all your readers are!! I’m turning 26 this year and while I might be married, I literally have NOTHING in my life figured out. Not my career, not where we are going to live, not even a set future. Our life is literally just tossed in the air, but I hold on to all the blessings I have and just try to focus on those. The rest will fall in to place in time <3