Hello, hello my friendly faces!
Firstly and formostly, thank you so much for all of the sweet comments, tweets, texts, e-mails, and messages that you sent me for my birthday. You guys really know how to treat a girl right 😉
I was originally going to write a “30 things about my 30th birthday” recap like I did for 29 and 28, but I just wasn’t feeling it this year. I was feeling a little more serious and reflective, so I hope you don’t mind a more personal post. I also meant to get this post up yesterday, but I needed an extra day to “digest” the big 3-0.
Truth be told, I’m still wrapping my head around the fact, but hopefully getting my thoughts out onto [digital] paper will help me make sense of the nonsense swirling around in my head. So here we go…
I should probably start by saying that I’m not normally one to make a big fuss over birthdays (I think 21 was the last year I really took notice of one?), but I will admit that 30 hit me pretty hard. Logically, I knew I wasn’t going to become a different person as soon as the clock struck 12 and the date changed from the 3rd to the 4th, but there was something about 30 that made it feel like a big deal. Maybe I went through the same kind of thing transitioning from my teens to my twenties — I can’t remember.
In any case, the feeling first hit me around 8 PM on the night before the big day. It was this nervous anticipation mixed with a sort of panicked dread. On the one hand, I was really looking forward to turning 30… especially since I kept hearing so many people say that their 30’s have been some of their best years. On the other hand, I only had 4 more hours left in my 20’s before that chapter of my life would be closed for good. Like… what?!?
Another thing bothering me, I think, was the fact that I didn’t really have anything big planned for my birthday… and I guess I kind of felt like I should since 30 seemed like a big deal? I was actually considering organizing something fancier for a while there, but then I realized that I would only be doing it because I felt like I should — not because I genuinely wanted to.
If I’m being completely honest here, I’m pretty much all celebrated out at this time of the year. Between all the craziness of Christmas and New Year’s, my introverted self is just looking for a dark corner to hide in some peace and quiet, and a return to my normal routine. And that’s okay.
One of the things I love most about getting older is the fact that I feel so much more comfortable with who I really am. I spent a good chunk of my 20’s hiding my quirks and constantly trying to reconcile the person I was with the person I thought I should be. It was exhausting. But the older I get, the more I love and embrace those odd aspects of myself. I realize they may not appeal to everyone, but I no longer care. That’s not to say that I’m trying to become some loud-and-proud menace to society, but that I can finally truly see the futility in trying to impress anyone who can’t like me for who I am — quirks and all.
So I had a blissfully quiet 30th birthday with family, a few close friends, and a surprise visit from a very good friend that I hadn’t seen in years. There was good food, chocolate cake, a shopping spree, and conversations had into odd hours of the night. It was really nice.
But that’s not to say that the day was without its hiccups. To be honest, there were a few moments where I really wished I was wearing waterproof mascara… and not because I was crying happy tears. See, despite all the things I have to be grateful for (and I -am- grateful for them… don’t get me wrong), I can’t help but feel like there’s still something missing — like I’m not exactly where I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. I genuinely thought I would be married and have kids by now, and — needless to say — that’s not the case.
And this is where I admit that I have no idea what to make of that. On the one hand, it would be stupid of me to complain about the life I have right now. I have my own growing business. A lovely home. My health. People who care about me. Financial freedom. Independence… But on the other hand, there’s still.something.missing. I put so much time and energy into building up the independent/financial side of my life, that the social/familial side suffered as a result. Some of the expectations I had in my early 20’s weren’t met… but can I honestly say I’m in a bad place right now? Or that there isn’t a side of me that doesn’t love it? No. I can’t.
So turning 30 had its ups and downs, just like life has its ups and downs. My plan is to keep taking things as they come and making the most of whatever situation I’m given to work with. I’ve come to realize that things have a way of happening when it’s time for them to happen, and that while we may not be able to control the circumstances, we can damn well control the attitude we approach them with. I have a feeling this next decade is going to be a good one — because I’ve chosen it to be that way. Does that mean I’ll never throw myself the occasional pity party? No. But I’ll be sure to wear waterproof mascara (or none at all) because… ouch.
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Can you relate to not being in a place you expected to be at at a certain age?
When’s your birthday?!
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I just turned 31. Does that make you feel better? 😉 I honestly did not have an issue with turning 30. I wasn’t where I thought I would be at that time in either career OR personal life, but for some reason it didn’t bother me. During my 30th year, I lost almost 30 pounds, got engaged, and am much closer to career ambitions than I was a year ago. 30 is lucky!! Enjoy it, embrace it, and remember that you are only as old as you feel. (And look. And you still look mid-twenties, so no worries there 🙂 )
30 is lucky — I like that! I have a feeling it’ll be a good year. Thanks, Rachel!
First off, HAPPY 30th! Such an exciting time in your life, but I can definitely understand how you feel. I don’t mean to sound like a paranoid 20-something girl, but turning 20 kinda freaked me out (goodbye childhood), and I know I’m going to feel similarly to you when I reach my 30s. I am SO glad, though, that you’ve reached a point where you feel comfortable in your own skin and have accepted all your (wonderful) little quirks. Just think about what a great 10 years is ahead of you! So much potential to expand on the fantastic success you’ve already have had. Thank you so much for the refreshing real talk and I can’t wait to see what your 30s has in store for you <3
girl I could have written this exact same post! my 30th is coming up in April. I’ve accomplished a lot as an independent woman, but I too feel like that whole marriage/kids thing should be more within reach than it is… oh well, gotta keep on doing what you love and put out those positive vibes! happy birthday!
Hi Amanda, You’re pretty brave for putting this out there, and I’d like to guess that so many others would agree with how you feel on some level within their own lives. We all have “where we want to be” thoughts for certain ages, and I don’t know if anyone can check off all the boxes. I moved to San Francisco with my husband 2.5 years ago, and that set us back quite a bit on a lot of things. We used to be homeowners, had a huge group of friends, were involved in the city and had nice new cars and good jobs. Well, when we relocated from Florida to the MOST expensive city in the nation, we turned into renters of a small city apartment who had to start all over (outside of my husband’s job that we moved for). It means, I don’t own the big huge house that I expected to own at this point, and I’m not fully set up in my forever place, but you know what, I’m trying to enjoy the ride because I have a lot of other great things going for me in this fun place. So try to be thankful for all the awesome things you’ve accomplished, and hopefully the rest will fall into place when you are least expecting it.
I can imagine that that would be difficult. But you DO get to live in SF, which is pretty darn amazing if you ask me 🙂
HOW did I miss your 30th??!!?? I’m so sorry friend! I hope you had a wonderful birthday. My 30th is in July and I have a feeling it will hit me hard too. Let’s make our 30’s the best ever!! Love you!!
Thanks, love <3 So far, so good 😀
Loved reading this and about your birthday.
Loved that saying too Amanda “The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits”. 🙂
The time is now, your time is now. And Mr Right will reach out for you in time, just do your thing, that we all love! 😀
I was absolutely thrilled to turn 30. The last few years of my 20’s were really rough and I strugged a TON, so I looked at 30 as a fresh start. Now that I’m just a few months away from 32, I’m definitely facing the same struggles you are. I thought I’d (still) be happily married, maybe talking about kids, etc etc by 32. But now I’m not married and have all of zero prospects of being married and having kids and it’s tough. I’m so much happier now, but I also feel like there’s something missing, you know?
I definitely hear ya <3 But I feel like I've learned SO much more about myself because of it, and that's something that I'll forever be grateful for.
Yes, yes, yes, and…yes. As you’ve probably gathered for a LOT of other bloggers, WE ARE ALL in this boat…forever. I continue to talk to new people about this kind of topic and everyone has the same answer: we will ALWAYS be a little bit lost in our lives, but it’s ok. You have accomplished so much, and marriage and kids aren’t/weren’t in the cards for you yet!! It will happen, but probably when you least expect it!! Enjoy your new chapter in life, you’ve got many more years ahead of you!
Thanks, Brittany <3
I am 30 in July and I don’t really know yet what I think about it!
It does make me assess where I am at this point and my achievements and goals. I am so blessed and happy to have such a wonderful husband and he is my rock. On the career side, I really thought I would be really high up ‘a ladder’ right now but things change and don’t necessarily turn out the way you thought – but I have high hopes for the future – IIN is helping with that! 😉
I found IIN really great for that as well. Hope you’re loving it! And let me know if you have any questions!
One of the things I often hear about turning 30, as you mentioned, is being comfortable in your own skin and understanding that you are where you’re meant to be, and that will guide you to where you’re supposed to be. It looks like it’s true, because, while you still have certain doubts (who doesn’t?), you’re comfortable expressing them, which is no easy feat. You are definitely exactly where you’re supposed to be and all those things you hope and wish for will come, sooner than later! Happy belated birthday, Amanda! Here’s to an amazing year of being 30 🙂
Thanks, Anna <3
On my 30 birthday, my friends threw me a huge karaoke party at their house. We sang, laughed, had dance offs. It was the best party of my life. As far as being able to relate, I sure can. I’m 37 & I thought by now I’d be married to the perfect guy with the perfect two kids of ours. But that didn’t happen got some reason. The good news is I’ve speny this time discovering who I am and falling in love with myself. Frankly I wouldn’t have gotten into fitness, recipe development or blogging if my vision of what I should be had come true. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we just need to trust fate.
“The good news is I’ve speny this time discovering who I am and falling in love with myself. ” <-- I can so very much relate to that... to the point where sometimes I feel like I'm so comfortable with myself that it'll be hard to let someone in! And I have no idea if I would have gotten into blogging either. Things definitely happen for a reason 🙂
I am honestly terrified of my 30th birthday because of all these reasons. You just reflect so much. There’s so many expectations of where you should be at 30. But I think our world is drastically changing and those old notions are often thrown out the window. You are incredibly successful and a wonderful person. Own your 30’s and the rest will follow. 🙂
Don’t be scared! 3 days into it, and I can honestly say the 30’s aren’t bad at all 😉
Love your honest thoughts here. I’m definitely learning right now that everything happens when it’s supposed to happen. I can look back on my life and see that too! It’ll come. 😉 And I didn’t get a chance to wish you a happy birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my dear! Glad you had a nice celebration with close friends and family. xoxo
Thanks, Ashley <3
Beautiful. Every word. I loved reading it.
Oh wow this post was AMAZING, Amanda…so real & I’m sure all of us can relate to some extent. Heck I wish I did a “Link Love” every week just so I could give a shot out to this post ;)! It’s funny how when we are younger, we put so much energy into making these great long-term plans yet things hardly go as planned. I am 26 and if things worked out as I imagined, I would be married with kid number 2….that doesn’t seem like it’s going to be happening in the foreseeable future. I truly think the grass is greener on the other side because I am sure there are a lot of people who married young and wished that they had a growing business as you do. I guess the best we can do is appreciate how far we have come and also look forward to the journey ahead- things always have a way of working out if we just trust the process!
Have a super year, love…you deserve the best!!
Thanks, Khushboo! It’s gotten a lot easier to catch myself in the “grass is always greener…” mentality, which makes it easier to stop and focus on the good things I already have. Life may be different than I had imagined it, but it’s in no way bad. Thanks for the wishes <3
Thank you for sharing such an open and honest post Amanda. I remember you mentioning you were turning 30 but it was still so shocking to me. I would have never guessed you were above age 25!
Happy Belated Birthday Amanda! It’s always hard to feel like you aren’t where you’re “supposed to be” in your life, but just know that everyone is different, and things will happen for you in their perfect timing! My younger sister met her future husband when she was 14 while my older sister just got married at 32, is one happier than the other? Absolutely not! And the same is true for you! 🙂 And when you do find love it will be well worth the wait! 😀
Thinking of you! Have a great day!
Aww thanks so much, Lauren! That was a super sweet comment <3
what a real and honest post, i love it. and i know what you mean, I will be 25 soon and all my friends seem to have their careers in order and I still DONT. I am not where I thought I would be.. but I am where I am meant to be… and i will keep following the path! SO SHOULD YOU<3 Happy belated!
Oh girl, I would love to come over and give you a biiiig hug. I know exactly how you feel, seriously, I KNOW. Obviously, since I am 36 and pretty soon the last one left out of all the marriage and baby booms. But hey, that is life. Imagine you would have married back then…. I don’t think you would be as happy as you are today.
I am the same as you, I put so much time and effort in my professional life and I really don’t see a chance for a relationship or even a family as of now. But things happen and if they do, there is time and space and the right emotions for it. Trust and have faith. Wait and see and in the meantime let’s get antsy for blend and text and embrace the thirties. And I have a GOOD News for you: I committed to be a 1-a-day-coffee-with-2thirds-of-thick-milkfoam-drinker. ONE big cup a day and LOTS of milk and then I can handle it. It’s my birthday present to you. 🙂
So.proud. And you’re completely right that life would be so much different if I had gotten married back then… maybe not in the best way! Also… why can’t it be May already?!?!
*hugs*
I had a big freak-out when I turned 28—lots of feelings. And tears.
Thank you for such a wonderful, honest post.
I totally relate to your feelings in many ways, although a different situation. I was married the first time right before I turned 21 and had planned to finish college and start a family. However, at 27 I was divorced with no kids, a college degree, a half finished master’s degree, and no hopes at all. I felt like a failure. But 30 is better! After turning 30 I had my first son, graduated from my master’s degree, got married, and started the life I knew I wanted. Now there are some things that I’m still working toward (my career, the full living of my true self), but I’m only 34 and the world has already changed so much for me. Look at 30 as the next phase. You have the things I don’t have yet and you’ll get the others when the time is right! (cliche I know, but it really happens)
Thanks so much for sharing your story, AmberLynn! I’m glad to hear that things have been working out for you in your 30’s 🙂 I have a feeling they’ll be some good years…
Great post, Amanda. My 30th birthday is exactly 6 weeks away and while I’m mostly excited about it, I definitely feel like I need to do some reflecting on where my life is at.
I think we all have moments where we wish certain parts of our life were different, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think the worst thing we can do is stop striving to improve our lives in some way, but it’s also important to recognize the good stuff too. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of good stuff in your life to be grateful for right now, and I bet your 30s will be absolutely amazing!
I felt exactly the same way at 30. It is really a big milestone, because you are a grown up and it really makes you reflect on where your life is. I was not even close to where I thought I would be at 30. All of our paths shift depending on what life hands to us.
Life is such a crazy ride and we never know where we’re going to end up – just gotta keep rolling and stay happy! I think it’s great you’ve had great opportunity to grow a business for yourself. That is an accomplishment not many 30 year olds can own. 🙂
I think we all go through life thinking we can plan it all out and achieve the major markers according to plan. It just doesn’t work that way. I thought it would for a while, I graduated college, got engaged then married then had a house and a baby…and then dealt with divorce papers on my 30th birthday. Not at all what I thought 30 would be. But that’s okay. You take what you have and run with it. Everything works out the way it should be and 30’s happen to be great! We are so much wise in this age group vs. our 20’s.
“You take what you have and run with it. ” <-- Very much the motto I live by 🙂
I’m 28 and definitely thought that I would be at least married at this point. I am SO happy that is not the case, because it WOULD have been the wrong person. I am now confident with the belief that marriage will happen for me when the time is right, now just because society says, “it’s about time!!!”
I have also heard that women LOVE their 30’s… I try to remember that, but I’m sure I’ll go through the same nervous anticipation when I’m closer to turning the big 3-0…
Oh Amanda I swear I adored reading this..it was like a glimpse of the inner workings of your mind – so deep, insightful and honest. I’m at this point where I feel really naïve, young and vulnerable..but not in a fearful way; in a way that I’m eager to explore myself and discover my creative passions. Which if I reflect on it is occurring rather late with that of the general young girls around me who seem to be immersed in something they already love. And here I am readying for 20 on the 26 June and settling down to make this my gap year from any concrete forms of employment in hope to search inside me for what I really desire. It’s risky, it’s scary, it’s letting go of my familiar, monotonous job…but it’s what I need for my growth.
It’s going to be an awesome year for you, girl 🙂 I took some time off from school and work in my early 20’s and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
It doesn’t matter your age–you’ll always be young at heart amanda! And that’s what counts. 🙂
I love your candid post Amanda – just simply love it! Yes “things have a way of happening when it’s time for them to happen” and The Big Guy has a way of placing us where he needs us to be – and that might not necessarily where we see us being at….but things, they do work out. Yes, I can relate to things not being where or what I thought they’d be, but, I have come to accept that I couldn’t be the parent I am if I had had my idea of what a family should look like (and what works for me might not work for someone else, so I don’t mean to condone or condemn any others). And I couldn’t have been there for my parents if I had another lifestyle….so things, they do work out.
By the way – I love that Will Smith Quote…as for that Hervey Allen post – hey, when did the 30’s become “middle age”????
And the way you celebrated with close friends and family AND chocolate cake is pretty much my dream birthday party!!! 🙂
Thanks, Shashi 🙂 I really do believe that things always have a way of working out, even if it’s hard to see at the moment. And soooo many good things have come out of the bad, that I really can’t say that I regret any of the choices I’ve made. It’s all about finding the positive.
Amanda, I very much appreciate your honesty. Having a sense of wishing things were different in some way – I think that happens to everyone. I totally get that – these issues are very real and painful. Thank you for acknowledging them :).
Pfft…I’ll be 40 in March. They are all good ages. I do feel the same this year, when I turned 30 I was excited to turn 30. To leave my 20’s behind. Now as I approach 40 I am not sure I’m as happy about it. The thing in your post that is the same as me is the fact that I am way more comfortable and honest with who I really am. I also am learning to stand up for myself as well. I used to be way too much of a push over.
Enjoy each year as they come, and be proud that you’re healthy and living your life the way you want!
Happy Birthday!
I can relate to that feeling of something missing, but I think that getting older is just really weird. We always imagine that we will be in certain place/feel a certain way when we reach an age, and then we get there and its like this is it? Or we feel way younger than we really are. For me I usually feel like I am a year or two behind my actual age, but slowly I catch up:) I turned 31 last October, and I still don’t really feel like I am supposed to be in my 30s.
I remember learning in a Lifespan Development psychology course that the 40s are the best years of people’s lives because they are finally content and happy with who they are. I assume 30s are close to that point too. It’s such a shame that it takes us that long to get to that point though!
But at least we have something to look forward to 🙂
Oh girl, I can TOTALLY relate! I’m not 30 but in April I’ll turn 28 (my sister turns 30 in a couple weeks which makes it feel that much closer for me) and I’m not where I thought I’d be either. For the longest time I thought you met the person you’d marry in college and then either be engaged or close to it by the time you graduate (I’m not kidding…I did) and then I met someone right away and my heart thought he was the one and all of my thoughts on how life worked were confirmed, until things ended with us and I haven’t found a relationship that stands even remotely close to that one. So I’m still single. And sometimes it gets to me and then other times, I know it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. I’m still figuring out so many things about myself and still establishing many things for myself that I’m pretty sure I need to have in place before someone can come along and join my life and me theirs. Whether that’s the case for you or not, I don’t know. But I’m glad you’re able to recognize the ups and downs of turning 30 are no different than that of life. A happy belated! 🙂
I can -so- relate to what you said about your past relationship! The same thing happened to me (I was actually engaged), and when that didn’t work out, my carefully planned out life went into a tailspin and I’ve been making things up as I go along since then. It was hard at first, but I truly do believe that a lot of good came out of it as well. Things will happen when they’re supposed to happen 🙂
Thanks for the honest post – it’s refreshing to read that I’m not the only one that doesn’t always have my stuff together! Cheers to you – I bet this year is going to be great 🙂 you are such an inspiration and I love reading your blog.
Thanks so much, Jess <3 Super sweet of ya!
What a great honest post, and one that probably every 30 year old ever can relate to! I am the opposite – I turned 30 feeling like I had my whole family done with but accomplished none of the career goals I had set in my early 20’s. I had a masters in Social Work at 23 and hoped to have my own therapy practice by now! Paths change, nothing happens the way we planned it. I don’t think I’m going back to Social Work at this point, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have a career. I just believe now it will be different than planned.
I had a completely different career path planned out as well — definitely didn’t turn out that way! But looking back, I’m much happier where I am now than where I probably would have ended up. I’m big on the belief that everything happens for a reason.
I had similar feelings about turning 30 (I’m 31 now- so I guess I’m over it?), but I think that I just remember when I thought 30 sounded SO old. And now I am there. I think we all have ideas in our minds about where we thought we would and wouldn’t be at certain points in our lives. Glad you had a good birthday! Mine is in August. Not even going to think about the fact that I will be 32. That’s just ridiculous.
I can totally relate. I’m 31 , and I always assumed that I would be married with a couple kids by now. 30 hit me hard as well, but strangely, 31 was considerably easier- even though my circumstances have not changed in the least, my attitude did. I am healthy and loved, and I have too much to be thankful for to waste time being resentful and sad. I have my dark, lonely days (hello, New Year’s Eve :/) but all I can do is be the best version of myself each and every day and trust that things will work out. It’s definitely not easy in a world where engagement and baby announcements flood my newsfeed on the daily, but I just take it one day at a time. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead!
Yes, yes, YES to the constant bombardment of engagement and baby announcements! It’s easy to feel like everyone is getting married and having kids, but there are actually a lot of people who aren’t — they’re just not so outspoken about it 😉
Amanda, you are way more wise than I ever was when I was 30! I got married when I was 21, and had 3 kids by the time I was 26. When I turned 30, I felt like I spent my twenties loping around the wilderness giving birth and breastfeeding. Because… I did. Ha! I think turning a big number tends to stop us in our tracks a bit so that we look up from whatever we’ve been doing so much (breastfeeding, giving birth, or working, advancing our career) and wonder what we’re missing. But you, my friend, have it right on. That although there will always be something we might wish for, the important thing is finding contentment and being thankful right where we are. If I could wish for anything, I’d wish for your maturity and wisdom when I was 30. Glad you had a happy birthday. Mine is tomorrow! Woohoo.
Thanks so much, Suzy! That really means a lot 🙂 And Happy Birthday!!
Ha! I just laughed at that little cartoon.
Anyways don’t stress over 30 – my sister in law is 30 and the coolest, trendiest, funnest person I know. A lot of people I know who have turned 30 actually say they’re much happier in their 30s than 20s because they’re over all their insecurities and know themselves better. Just enjoy every day! you’re a constant inspiration to many 🙂
Thanks, Katherine! That’s actually what I’ve been hearing from most people, so I’m mostly looking forward to this next decade 🙂