I have a confession to make.
Not a dark and dirty secret kind of confession, but something I want to get off my chest, nonetheless.
I have a habit.
A habit that many share, but few enjoy. A habit that is met with both resistance and utmost desire. A habit that I managed to curb for many years, but that has recently begun to resurface.
I have a habit… of randomly nibbling throughout the day.
Of taking a bite of this. Of grabbing a spoonful of that.
Just a small taste to satisfy some unknown desire, and then I’m on my way.
. . .
What? You were expecting something more hardcore? Sorry to disappoint, but this isn’t that kind of blog.
My drugs of choice are not only healthier, but also legal.
They include…
Cookies… which I grab random bites of throughout the day.
Trail mix & Dried fruit… which I pick away at whenever I wander into the kitchen.
Almond butter… which… needs no explanation.
Fruits & Veggies… which I often snack on while prepping meals.
Cereal… which I just grab straight from the box and pop into my mouth.
And while many are ashamed of this kind of a habit, and give it nasty names like “mindless” eating, I’m proud of my random nibbling. I fully embrace it. Why? Because it’s just another sign of my healing.
It’s another sign of my freedom.
See, for more years than I care to admit, I was completely obsessed with making sure that I kept track of every. single. morsel of food that made it’s way past my lips. The proof is in the pudding…
… or, in the notebooks in this case…
Looks like a stack of schoolwork, doesn’t it? I almost wish that it were. But no, that there is a written account of everything I ate while I was sick with, and recovering from, my eating disorder. Every. single. thing. Every piece of gum. Every drop of ketchup. Every leaf of lettuce.
Every calorie was meticulously accounted for.
I found comfort in documenting. In planning. In knowing. In exactness. If my food couldn’t be translated into a neat little number that I could put on a page, I simply wouldn’t eat it. And while we’re on the topic of numbers, I confess that I was completely consumed by them. For someone who hates math with a fiery passion, I probably did enough adding, subtracting, and carrying of the 2 throughout all of those dark years to last me a lifetime. Heck, my phone, which is supposed to be used as a tool to keep in touch with friends and family, spent more time being used as a calculator than anything else…
Sad. Sad. Sad.
Which is why being able to walk into the kitchen at random, grab a little something, and pop it in my mouth without worrying about what it adds up to is such a huge deal for me. It means that I’m finally free of that obsessive prison that I put myself in for all those years. It means that I’m finally free to lick the bowl when I finish baking. It means that I’m finally free to go back after a meal and grab an extra handful of this or that if I’m still unsatisfied. It means that I’m finally free…
So you see, the “bad habit” of random nibbling is actually a very good habit for me… one that replaced my true bad habit of meticulously counting calories. And I couldn’t be happier; or more satisfied 😀
And speaking of satisfaction…
Sometimes no amount of random nibbling will do, and you just gotta sit down to enjoy a snack.
Greek yogurt, Kashi Honey Sunshine, banana, almond butter, chocolate pudding.
. – . – . – .
Do you randomly nibble at things when the mood strikes?
Or, are you more of a sit down and eat a planned meal person?
Awesome and very true post! Sometimes I still freak out if I feel like I’ve nibbled too much. Do you ever skip a snack or meal bc u nibbled way too much? So insightful as usual!
No I never skip any meals. My nibbling is never substantial enough to really fill me up. It’s just like tiny taste testing, so I’m always hungry come meal time 😀
hi love!
I hope your day was great yesterday and Happy Friday!
I think its great you overcame that and now you live ‘ free’ of calorie counting and journals : ) sometimes its a rough road, but when you get through it, its the best feeling in the world, and sometimes its hard to find what works for ‘you’ an I am glad you did!
I am a snacker, I am famous for hand in the cereal box snacking, its just crack to me!
I just listen to my body, some days Im more snacky, some days Im not!
Happy Friday! xoxo <3
I loved this post Amanda – you truly are at such a great place in recovery – its great to see how far you have come and how recovery is such a great thing!! 🙂 aim
Ah I can SO relate to those times where every little thing was a number in a book. I threw out my books because I wanted to move on from the past. It’s so sad to remember how I spent so much time working everything out to the exact number so that ‘it worked’ and ‘all added up’. Food is not a number – it is to be enjoyed for the taste and satisfaction that it gives our bodies and our minds.
Although I don’t count calories at all now, I still stick to certain times to eat partly because that’s when my body has sort of become ‘trained’ to get hungry but I admit that if I just let myself go, I’m scared I’ll start nibbling and won’t stop..I really hope to get the point where I can honor my hunger and be able to nibble and stop when I’ve had enough. It’s one of my main long-term aims at the moment 🙂
That’s something I used to be worried about, too. But you WILL stop when your body has had enough. Trust, trust, trust 😀
You make me feel better! I nibble on difference food too, but often feel guilty after. Love all your posts.
You read my mind! I was going to do a post on this soon. I do the exact same thing. I walk around the kitchen and will nibble on things as I see them. Sometimes I’m not sure if I really want that food or not so I’ll take a bite and if I do that’s what I have to eat and if not I move onto something else. I feel like it’s been helping me a lot!
I do like to plan my meals but it won’t stop me from nibbling/grazing on foods I want 🙂
Lol I do that all the time when I can’t figure out what I want to eat. I walk around and “taste test” until it hits me that I just gotta have more of something.
Oh yes, I’m a nibbler! And proud of it. Although if hunger strikes I’ll usually just sit down and have a real meal. And nibble on everything as I make my meal 🙂 You are fabulous, Amanda. I’m so happy to see how free you are! You go girl!
All I can say is GO YOU!!! And those notebooks? I have my own set. But that’s in the PAST!
And what is life without snacking? Not a life I want..
amanda! i love your posts so much. you make such a great point about nibbling here – i think it is such a normal thing to do, and it IS a sign of freedom. i think it also means that you don’t try to control your life through food – you just go with the flow. i am definitely a nibbler and take a bite of this and that all throughout the days, but i also must have all my meals… definitely not the kind of person who can replace a meal with nibbling/snacking. i’m glad you wrote about this because i hate how people sometimes talk about nibbling as mindless eating and label that as such a bad thing. i think that having a healthy relationship with food means not always being super hyper-aware of what you’re eating (because food isn’t the center of your life!) – same thing with stress-eating – i honestly don’t think either of those are as bad as people make them out to be!
I am a huge “nibbler” 🙂 Everytime I enter the kitchen (or go somewhere near the kitchen) I just need to stop there for something small – nuts, dried or fresh fruit, veggies, spoonful of some nut butter or spread… I enjoy my nibbles a lot and I think that it is actually a really healthy vice – our bodies need some fuel to keep going on. So let´s fuel them:)
My thoughts exactly 😀
I must “admit” that I most certainly share this same “bad” habit! I have never really looked at it like this, but I think that it is absolutely a good thing! For someone with an eating disorder to eat freely is amazing 🙂 Whenever I go grab a cereal container (I eat cereal out of these little cups all the time!) I will think of this post, and how great it truly is <3
Thanks so much for sharing this!
Scott
I am such a nibbler! And glad to hear there are more people out there! I eat normal three meals and about two snacks a day, but in between it all, when I’m home, I grab a bite of this and that, some bread, handful of cereal or nuts… It does make me a bit anxious, but I know I was like this, a nibbler, before this whole Ed crap started.
It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who nibbles all throughout the day. Of course I enjoy planned meals, but I also love snacks. You may or may not find me over by my pantry with a box of cereal in hand after dinner at least 3 times a week 🙂
I hope it’s okay that I used your last photo over on my blog. It was so pretty and just perfect for what I was writing about!
This is probably what I struggle most with in my recovery to this day – I find myself “allowing” myself to eat just about anything that may have been considered a “fear food” at some point, however I still force myself to “account” for it. I dont count daily anymore, but on days when I don’t, I find myself scarily uncomfortable with just grabbing a handful of this and noshing on that.
It’s so, so, so reassuring and comforting to see the light at the end of the tunnel in your posts – amazing, liberating recovery is SO possible 🙂
izzyy
xox
Indeed it is, and SO worth it 😀
Hey! what kind of almond butter do you buy? I’ve been on the lookout for drippy salted ones in Canada but have yet to find the perfect one!
Hehe I’m probably not the best person to ask because there’s a lot of almond butters I can’t eat due to the whole “traces of peanuts” thing, but I buy Maisie Jane’s. It’s not salted, but it’s delish. You can try Blue Diamond too. I heard that one was good.
I wish I could eat just set meals, but I am an extreme nibbler! I was actually just thinking about this earlier today as I stood in front of the open fridge stuffing grapes into my mouth… I need to work on this
I’m a mass nibbler when it comes to cooking/preparing my meals.
I still need to break the habit of tallying my nibbles into a total of my day and whatever. I’ve trashed the journal habit (thank god) after my second bout of treatment, but I still have the random ‘bust out the cell phone calculator moments when I just need to say..no.
I’m not really sure if I’m a nibbler yet. Only very recently have I even gotten up the courage to buy up some treats, that I haven’t had in forever, to eat (even though I eat normal amounts, I was still being strict at times with my diet)! A couple times lately, I have nibbled on something when I’m not really hungry…. and it is so exhilarating! I used to have a strict “no snacks” rule, and now I let myself have snacks when I need them, and hopefully time will show If I’m a nibbler or not :). I don’t plan meals though– sometimes I eat three huge square meals in a day and other’;s days I eat small meals throughout the day.
I feel like I’ve said this before but your blog, your writing, and YOU, are so inspiring. They address all the issues that have been coming up lately with my recovery, and put my mind at rest. They give me that gentle reminder that, when I feel “out of control”, says “it’s okay to do what you are doing, every person is different. Do what works for you!”. Thank you. Thank you eternally for that!
There’s a calorie counter application on my phone still. I haven’t touched it in months, but I leave it on there for two reasons — first, it reminds me how slippery of a slope obsessive restricting can be, and that I don’t want to go back there! Secondly…. I’m not entirely sure how to remove it (:
I sit down to planned meals – I’m still too rigid to grab a handful of something. Maybe one day 😉
One day for sure! I’ll make my bad habits rub off on you 😉
I’m such a nibbler too! I never thought of it being a good sign of recovery until you phrased it that way – but you’re so right!! It feels so good to be able to grab handfuls of random bites without worrying about how many calories I’m eating. I love grabbing handfuls of granola and dried fruit randomly throughout the day.
Amanda I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing well! I def. don’t think that nibbling is a bad thing if guilt doesn’t set in and if we’re not doing it just because of emotions! If it works for you, then that’s great! I eat about 5-7 times a day and never too big of a meal b/c my stomach gets bad aches if i do. So, I do nibble quite a bit and it keeps me from starving and eating too much altogether. I think that if our hearts and minds are right, then that kind of eating is FINE. 😀 btw I responded to your comment about lasik. you can totally do it!
Dang you, you always make me hungry! Am debating nibbling on something now. Although when I nibble it ends up being devoured. Btw, I finally bought some almond butter.. need inspiration on how to use!
In and on everything! On toast, oats, bananas, apples, sweet potatoes, carrots… really, anything goes 😉
I’m guilty! I’m a nibbler 😉 Not as much as I used to be, but if I venture in the kitchen even just a little hungry I’ll probably grab a little bite of one of my baked things or something. The habit pops up more in the form of when I’m making things, though. I follow the rule of “one for the bowl/plate, one for the mouth” when it comes to making meals 😛
Lol that’s one of my favorite rules 😉
Woohoo!! I love when cases like these are actually prided than looked at as “bad”. I used to be the same way, counting every single bite and calorie..but now I take bites of this and that without thinking twice about it. Sweet, sweet freedom. 🙂
I am such a nibbler! I’m always grazing on things and really I look at it the same way you do. That it’s a good thing that I let myself graze 🙂
I have a thing of notebooks exactly like that.. They should be ceremoniously burned.
Oh yeah and it is SUCH a sign of freedom.
Eff a bunch of “6 almonds” and “4 oz apple” all up in my brain.
Now it’s like “I think I ate sa bunh of nuts…oh yeah! I totally forgot I ate that apple.”
That stack of notebooks is such a powerful visual for you, wow. It must be hard to look at and yet, such a great reminder.
Oh Amanda, bring me with you to the “dark side” would ya? I can’t even remember the last time I ate something that wasn’t documented or accounted for.
But enough about my shortcomings… let’s focus on YOU, your STRENGTH, your ACCOMPLISHMENT, your FREEDOM, your “OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY”ness.
you shine <3
Aww hun you’ll be able to do it too. All it takes is a few tries and you’ll become addicted 😀 Freedom is intoxicating.
I am a culprit as well of this “bad habit” you mention 😛 It’s actually a little bit of a problem..as in I never like to eat big meals now. But other than that, I quite enjoy this nasty habit haha.
YES!!! I haven’t finally been free to do this myself. Just recently when I was baking some ginger slice, there was still some of the icing left in the saucepan and I just couldn’t let it go to waste. So of course I went to town on that bad boy. It brought back so many happy memories of doing that as a kid and I will never ever deprive myself of such a pleasure again. I also eat while I’m preparing my dinner. I tend not to grab bites as I walk in the kitchen as I tend to be satisfied from my meals but I do enjoy dipping my hand into my sugary chocolate cereal every now and again 😉 AND if there is a bowl of grapes in the lounge I just cannot help myself from taking a handful.
It’s sad how people don’t accept this as being “normal”. We’ve been told time and time again that we SHOULD’NT be doing this but why? We aren’t trying to watch our weight! It’s not like we are digging our hands into a bucket of poison when the mood strikes. 😛
xxx
It definitely IS a beautifully simple pleasure, and as long as it doesn’t get out of hand, I see no reason to deprive… especially when it comes to grapes 😉 That’s one of my weaknesses.
Gosh, when I’m at my apartment at school by myself I’m a huge nibbler. Handfuls of this here and there, mostly because I’m always running around or having to do something and I don’t have the habit of sitting down and eating a full meal — but just small ones throughout the day.
But when I go home it’s easier to sit down and eat without nibbling as much–esp. if it’s something my mom makes 🙂
Yes. A truly free and amazing living being is exactly the one that just grabs and go. This habit is often dubbed mindless eating (and taken one way, it can be), but not necessarily so….a better term? “Normal eating”.
Ugh . Stupid numbers. I don’t want to do that now…and my friend thinks i am crazy to count….she’ll tell me “why not have a bowl of soup for a meal”…and i think “wtf? soup…but that is no calories”…so then i force these big meals and she thinks i am crazy
but i’m sick of it
the last 3 days, i’ve increased and been consistent..again , the hard thing is not exercising…esp. when i see other people on blogs much much worse than I am and exercising…
but u remind me to “do for me”…you project a security and confidence that remind me of a girl i was – and that inspires!
It is a huge deal =) a huge healthy liberating deal! <3 I learn more about you every day — i love it girl! and you! duh! <3 You're such a strong person and a def asset in blog land! mwah!
Awww you’re so sweet, girl. Thank you <3
I think nibbling is just human habit. I do it all the time, especially with the nut butter jar and a spoon 😉
Yes, I have all those journals as well. I actually still track what I eat, not the calories, but just to make sure I’m balanced and getting my fruits and veggies in. I think keeping those is a good reminder. I keep all my journals and love reading how far I’ve come.
As for munching, I’m with you there! I usually always grab a little something when I’m in the kitchen, and its uaully trail mix 🙂
I’m the exact same way! I mainly keep mine to make sure I’m getting enough calories to try to build muscle. It gets annoying at times, so there are days where I just don’t count haha
Every once in awhile, I get nervous if I nibble a random treat and old ED thoughts try to flare up, but I feel like I’m making some progress. I can totally relate to feeling freedom with nibbling though! These kind of small victories just seem make recovery a much more manageable process 🙂
I occasionally keep a rough estimate to make sure I’m still on track, but nowhere near as rigid as I used to be. And I never count the extra nibbles 😉
I got rid of all my food journals.. I didn’t have near that many but I had quite a few. It’s really hard to look at!
I’m a snacker, all day long. Spoonfuls of peanut butter, handfuls of cereals, chocolate chips, and my fav, dried mangos!
I also went through a phase where I would eat entire bags of baby carrots throughout the day. No shame. I’m happy with it 🙂
They’re not pleasant too look at for sure, but it’s a good reminder of what I never want to go back to.
I know exactly the habit you write of. At one point I was a nibbler, and I would take a handful of cereal here, and a handful of cereal there. And hey how about a handful of chocolate covered nuts here? It got way out of hand though and started messing with my mind, so I stopped all together. I think for me there is no balance between nibbling and eating the whole box of cereal with my hand so it’s best to stay away from nibbling.
That is great that you are able to nibble throughout the day, I definitely wouldn’t consider it a bad habit, but rather a method that works for you 🙂
Yeah, I definitely think that different things work for different people. It’s all about what’s best for you 😀
Sometimes I’m a nibbler, sometimes I’m not. Depends on my mood! I do like to nibble on raisins, trail mix, granola, and nuts though!
I nibble a bit of this a bit of that every so often (I love samples!) but prefer to eat set meals- looks like we have the same cereal preference! Mix of Kashi honey sunshine and cinnamon puffins? Yum.