I generally like to keep Fridays pretty light around these parts since I figure that everyone could use a fun and relaxing read after a hectic work/school week, but I’ve had something on my mind for the past couple of days that I really want to share with you guys
After Tuesday’s post about living a number free life, I got a lot of comments and e-mails from girls revealing their own struggles with numbers, and saying how badly they wish they could free themselves and live the kind of life I described; the kind I’m living right now. Not gonna lie – it broke my heart. Why? Because I remember being in that same hellish place far too well. Because I remember looking at people around me who were happy and carefree around food and wondering why I couldn’t be the same. Because I remember wanting things to change but never believing that they would.
If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be living a life without numbers, scales, or food fears, I would have laughed myself sick. Those things were so ingrained into every moment of my life that living without them was inconceivable. Desirable, but in the same way that one desires to win the lottery – as some far-off dream with the underlying belief that it will never actually happen. But, lo and behold, it actually did.
The girl I am now is so different from the girl I used to be that sometimes I look back on all those years and feel like I’m looking at someone else’s life. It’s a little hard for me to imagine that in the depths of my ED…
I was a girl… who weighed lettuce leaves…
I was a girl… who was terrified of eating salt… and sugar, and carbs, and fat…
I was a girl… who counted the calories in gum, vitamins, and coffee…
I was a girl… who was afraid to go even 10 calories over her daily “limit”…
I was a girl… who spent hours each day calculating and planning our her meals…
I was a girl… who wouldn’t allow herself to eat the same thing more than once a day…
I was a girl… who constantly watched the clock, waiting until she could have her next meal…
I was a girl… who got physically sick from stuffing herself with low-calorie vegetables and water…
I was a girl… who would choose a flavor/variety of food that she didn’t want because it was 15 calories less than what she did want…
I was a girl… who hadn’t enjoyed a birthday cake in years…
I was a girl… who never wanted to travel because she wasn’t willing to leave her comfort zone…
I was a girl… who went to bed starving, woke up starving, and spent the day starving…
I was a girl… who forced herself to exercise every day, even when her body was begging for rest…
I was a girl… who could neither sit nor move without something hurting…
I was a girl… who hated everyone and everything because of how miserable she was…
I was a girl… who wanted to die…
There were times where my situation seemed so bleak and hopeless that I honestly wanted to give up. I remember wondering how the heck I let things get so bad, and feeling completely overwhelmed when I tried to figure out how to make them better.
I didn’t write this post for sympathy, and I certainly didn’t write it to boast about how far I’ve come. I wrote it because I wanted to give hope to those who are losing it. I wrote it because I wanted to show that no matter how deep you are, and how far off recovery may seem, it’s not impossible. I wrote it because there’s nothing special about me or my situation. I’m not some superhuman freak of nature with an iron will – I’m just like you, I’ve suffered just like you, I’ve lost hope just like you. And if I can recover, then so can you.
I know you wrote this a while ago, but I just read it. I can absolutely relate to over half of these. I’m no longer that girl either, but there are still moments where the disordered thoughts pop up: maybe I should count calories again, or go to the gym even though I’m sick, or fill my stomach with raw vegetables and feel so sick afterward instead of eating what I really want. The difference is now I can recognize that those thoughts don’t need to become actions. I don’t need to be “that girl” again. I’ve become someone else entirely. Someone who’s stronger, more confident, and trying to live life again. Amazing post!
Thank you..so glad your not that girl. All your hard work payed off.. how? I am that girl 🙁
This post made me want to cry. This is so true of my life currently. Or my recent life – the one which I am trying to leave behind.
Thank you so much for having this page on your website. It was definitely something I needed to hear. Not a month ago, I felt suicidal. I felt like nothing I did would get me where I wanted to be; I felt hopeless.
I can do it. 🙂 Your words give me that strength
Thank you for this post…more importantly for HOPE! Although recovered, I still have my hang-ups, challenges, and struggles. I’m learning that I deserve to be healthy and being healthy doesn’t mean eating fruits and vegetables everyday….it means eating freely without restriction. I came across your website at the perfect time…Thank You!
I can relate to almost every single one of these. You have come such a long way and your such an inspiration to me, plus a ton of girls out there! I remember going to sleep at night and already having my snack that I’d be so hungry and my knees touching eachother when I would lay on my side was always so painful. God am I glad I finally turned my life around and am going in the right direction I have no idea where I’d be in life if I didn’t. I would honestly probably just be in the same spot because I was never moving forward nor backward with life, kind of just sitting there basing my life around meals. Crazy. Thanks for this girl!
This post is amazing. Thank you for sharing. I could so relate with some of those statements and I know I need to change. One day at a time…
I’m behind in reading [as you know] but you are beautiful… This is so real and raw, so honest and open. You are amazing. XO
I think this really shows just how strong you are and I hope you know how many people you’ve been able to inspire and help 🙂 Amazing post, Amanda! xo
What’s your secret?
How’d you fix it?
Just kidding…. I know that there is none, and I know that you wish there WAS so you could share it with all of us struggling.
Whatever culmination of things occurred in your heart and life to get you where you are today, I just want to praise God and you for getting to where you are today. and you DO deserve appalause.
You are beautiful through and through.
I do wish there was a secret, fool-proof way to recover, but there isn’t 🙁 It’s all about wanting it bad enough to do whatever it takes to get it.