NEDA week. Thursday. Let’s do this…
1. I really struggled with today’s post (sincerest apologies to anyone who had to listen to me nag about it yesterday). Thursday posts have always been my favourite to write because they let me just talk about whatever randomness happens to be running through my head at the time… but what do you do when you promise to talk about ED-related topics and you never really think about ED-related topics? Well, I guess you talk about that…
2. I started blogging when I was in the darkest depths of my eating disorder (this was long before Spoons). I needed something that would hold me accountable and distract me from my recovery-related anxieties. Back then, every post I wrote focused on my disorder — probably because it was the most salient thing in my life. Over time, those posts became less frequent as I started feeling more and more removed from my disease. I would still write about it occasionally, but I found that it was more for my readers than it was for myself…
3. See, I wanted to help people. Not because I saw myself as an expert or because I thought I had all the answers, but because I was in that same hopeless place where I thought that I would never get better, yet by some miracle, here I am — living and loving life. I can’t necessarily tell you how it happened, because recovery is so different for everyone and I can’t even put a finger on it myself, but I can tell you to never give up hope…
Don’t write yourself off. Don’t try to define what “recovered” means. Don’t set your sights on the end goal, but instead focus on making small improvements every day. It can be overwhelming to look at how far you have to go — take baby steps and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. An eating disorder isn’t a life sentence unless you accept it as such. Your thoughts are a powerful thing…
4. … and so are your words. I never referred to myself as an anorexic — I was a girl (Amanda… hi!) who was struggling with anorexia. See the difference? The first identifies me as my eating disorder, whereas the second lets me keep my own identity and simply states that I’m dealing with a problem. What you say to yourself has a powerful effect on the way you think and act, oftentimes without you even realizing it. You can’t easily let go of something that you see as being a central part of your being, so remember — You are not your disorder; I was never mine. My disease never defined me, it simply robbed me of the things that made me me.
5. What things are those? I’m glad you asked! I’m a girl who loves to snowboard…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I a) didn’t have the strength or energy, and b) couldn’t handle being out in the cold for long periods of time without parts of me turning blue.
6. I’m a girl who loves to read…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I was in a constant brain fog and lacked the ability to focus. I would get to the end of a page in a book only to forget what I had read just seconds before.
7. I’m a girl who loves to travel…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because the anxiety of being taken away from my routine and safe foods was more than I could handle. Vacations were such a huge source of stress that I preferred to stay home.
8. I’m a girl who loves to bake…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because being around food that I wouldn’t allow myself to eat was torture.
9. I’m a girl who loves to play with makeup…
… which I could do in my ED, but I didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered to put extra time into my appearance. I didn’t think I was worth the effort.
10. I’m a girl who… is a whole lot more than a number on the scale, a label on a pair of jeans, a balance of macronutrients, or a certain amount of units of energy burned at the gym.
More places to find me!
E-mail — [email protected]
Twitter — runwithspoons
Facebook — runningwithspoons
Pinterest — runwithspoons
Instagram — runwithspoons
Bloglovin — runningwithspoons
You’re not a “girl” at all. You are most decidedly a woman. Wouldn’t it be weird to read a blog post by an adult male where he repeated “I’m a boy who…”? You are a grown-up. You are not a “girl”.
LOVE this!! Omg, SO MUCH!! Especially the part about labeling yourself…you are so right! I am so glad you have made it to this happier place in life. You’re stories from the past are so inspirational, but it breaks my heart to think of what you had to go through to get to this point! You are such a strong and beautiful woman…and I feel lucky to call you my friend! xoxo
I absolutely 100% love this. Seriously, you are an inspirational, brave, gorgeous, strong individual. You didn’t let your ED claim who you were. I am so happy you recovered. You’re a shining girl, inside and out. You’re brave for posting this, and I am so happy that you’re with balance now. <3
I think I can put my finger on why I enjoy your blog so much: comfort. You are very comforting and soothing and really great at giving a “reality check”. I’m about 9 or 10 years older than you but you have a great self-awareness that is beyond your years.
I know I have shared that I battled anorexia in high school and am fully recovered from that (without a doubt). Now, and I wouldn’t call it the same thing, but I tend to obsess over what the healthiest diet is for me and my family. I’m getting a bit too obsessed with reading on the topic so I have realized I need to step away from it all. Your blog soothes me.
What better way then a good book? So can you recommend something? 😉 I like real-life books about people and relationships. I’m not into sci-fi stuff or anything with violence. 🙂
Thanks so much for your sweet comment, Lisa 🙂 And I love that you added “without a doubt” to being recovered — that kind of thing is always so awesome to hear.
As for books… have you ever read My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok? It’s one of my favourites. The Art of Racing In The Rain is another one that I absolutely adore. As is The Alchemist… Those are the first three that come to mind.
I have to tell you, you are so strong and I love that you are willing to share your journey with others and empower them through it!
You are AWESOME, Amanda! You’re a girl who’s a very interesting girl 🙂 I love all your interests and the way that you write about them. I’m so glad that the ED is a thing of the past, because for something like that to consume someone as great as you, well, that’s just terrible to even think about. You’re an inspiration to so many!
ps- I can’t believe I missed TOL this week. My brain was a day behind all week. But now that it’s Friday, it’s back on track 😉
Great post love. I understand how hard it is not to let ED own you. It’s so important to find yourself and know who you are and move past it! I’m also glad you’ve embraced baking now, because you have the most amazing looking baked goods EVER. xo 🙂 Have a fabulous weekend!!
LOVE this post. And I just smile knowing how far away from “that girl” you are now – it’s so easy to see that you’re happy and confident!
#4 was remarkable. It’s something I know I have definitely said without thinking about people close to me, but it’s so wrong. You aren’t the disorder.. it is just something you are dealing with. So true, and really made me think and change the way I say things 🙂 I love who you are today! You are passionate, the sweetest blend, and always a place to find the best desserts 😉
Honestly I can not remember if I commented on this but I have something to say:
The make up bit up there really resonated with me. I used to love hair and make up and since ED, I have no given two figs. For me, it took too much time too. Like, it takes me a while to do my make up becaues I am not… very good (:P), time that – in the past – was better spent meal planning, exercising, counting calories, etc.
Now, I have not done my make up in three years. Some days here and there, but… no. I miss it. I do. I mean, I never was a lavish person when it came to make up. But I liked the feeling of doing it and looking extra special pretty for myself 🙂 But even now I can not get into it and to be frank, I do not remember how to do it. So, one thing I really want to do is get back into that 🙁
Also, did you have trouble laughing? I used to refrain from laughing because it took too much energy to laugh 🙁 That was something I hated. It hurt me… physically… to be happy.
Awwr girl… I know exactly where you’re coming from because it was the same for me. Laughing definitely took too much energy, and I felt so emotionally dead that I honestly didn’t even find that many things funny anymore. All the more reason to fight for recovery 🙂
As for the makeup bit, I found that it really helped me to watch beauty videos on YouTube — they would get me in the mood and motivate me to try and spend a little bit more time on it.
I think all the things that make you you are wonderful, and that YOU are wonderful. 🙂
So impressed by you! You inspired me to share my story with my readers and clients!
http://www.inallofhersplendor.com/2014/02/24/fitspiration-my-fitness-story/
Ohhh I love this. Amanda, you are such a genuine and wonderful person and I truly believe that you do such good in the world by being honest, sincere, and truthful about your struggles. I’m sure many women (and men) who are currently struggling with their body image or anorexia are helped by what you write and, for those who don’t struggle with an eating disorder, you help keep us grounded so we don’t slip into one.
Love you lots <3
Right back at ya, lady <3
You rock!! Thanks for sharing! Huge inspiration!
This was such an amazing post. Sometimes it’s easy to look in the mirror and have super negative thoughts about myself. I sometimes still forget that this is MY LIFE. My life is NOT defined by my appearance, but by my experiences. Thanks for sharing 🙂
This is so great, Amanda!!!! I truly believe like you do. Our words and perspective of ourselves make such a huge difference in how we do things and handle our struggles. We are just us, made beautifully by God and anything else is just a product of our actions/habits. There’s even a study that states that whatever habits or thought process we’ve done for X amount of time, those things will make grooves in our brain to resort to those actions. So in essence we’re not born with those things, we just struggle with them. And you’d be such a fun person to hang out with! Down to earth and sweet. 😀 Just thought I’d let you know, hehehe.
You are inspiring!! Congratulations on overcoming such a tough point in your life. I know there must still be times of struggle and its so admirable how strong and healthy mentally and physically you have become! And one more thing. the book “One Good Dog” has been sitting in my Kindle library FOREVER. How did you like it?
I really enjoyed it. It was a bit cliche, but if you love dogs and the positive impact they can have on a person’s life, you’ll love it.
BOOM! This is why I adore you and your blog!! The girl you are today!
Such a great post Amanda! I’m so glad you posted this, it really shows how much you’ve grown and I’m so happy for you!
It’s just so crazy how an ED can do such messed up things. I can’t believe how much it really affected my life in so many different ways and just how LONG it took to recover. I never would’ve thought it, but I’m so much happier these days!
I didn’t know you then, but I can say with certainty, I rather like the girl you are today.
PS I love how dog eared those Martin books are.
love this!! you are beautiful, smart, and a child of God! That is so much more than any label that can be placed on you! I love that you say you are a girl who struggled with anorexia–not an “anorexic” LOVE THAT!
I absolutely love this post. Thank you for sharing with us and showing how far you’ve come on your journey. I completely agree with #4. As a former teacher, I used to be very aware of the wording when describing children in the classroom. It makes all the difference!
I love the way you wrote this post. As an education student I like how you say you’re a girl who struggled with anorexia rather than saying an anorexic.
Love all the dog related books! Art of Racing in the Rain is my favorite book, period.
Amen to that! It’s one of the few books that actually made me tear up.
Great post, lady. I think it’s so amazing that you can finally sit back and see everything with such clarity. No matter what kind of struggles we face in life, although they may change us, they don’t define us. <3
i’m glad you posted today. It makes me love you even more. if that’s possible