So I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking lately. It happens every now and then – no cause for concern. This is actually something that’s been on my mind for quite some time now, but I just really haven’t wanted to get into it because it’s not exactly the most pleasant of topics. May as well stop putting it off, though, and today seems like as good a day as any to bring it up. Why? Because it’s Tuesday [read: I have no idea].
So we all read blogs, and I can say with 99.9% certainty that we all come across certain things on those blogs that we don’t necessarily agree with. We see people undereating, and we see people overexercising. We see frighteningly thin girls doing hardcore workouts seven days a week, and we see those same frighteningly thin girls restricting “watching” their intake of carbs, sugars, and fats – oftentimes under rather questionable guises.
Hands up if you’ve ever come across someone whose cooking substitutions are just downright strange. Hands up if you’ve ever come across someone who’s cut out gluten/sugar/dairy/whatever when they didn’t have a medical condition that required that kind of elimination. Now, I know that there are plenty of instances where those claims are actually true, but I also know that for every legitimate claim, there are about ten that aren’t.
Just saying.
So we see people doing all of these disordered things while maintaining the facade that everything is fine, and we… go ahead and pretend along with them. This is where my thoughts start getting a little muddled, so bear with me. Maybe a shot of sugar will help clear my head…
Okay. So we see all these things and we know something is amiss. We want to shake these people and say: “Wake up! Can’t you see that what you’re doing is wrong?!”… but we don’t. We turn a blind eye to their obviously disordered behaviors, and the comments we leave on their posts (if we leave any at all) err on the side of politeness and propriety, and sometimes even verge into the territory of praise. Why? It’s not an easy thing to watch people engage in self-destructive behaviors, especially if they trigger disordered thoughts in our own minds, but why is it so difficult to call people on those behaviors? I have a few theories.
First, blame Bambi…
We don’t want to be a jerk, and more often than not, telling someone what they probably need to hear makes us look like one. Even when it’s put gently, the truth can be a hard pill to swallow – it’s much more pleasant to live in a world of comfortable delusion than it is to be faced with the reality that you’re doing something wrong. As such, people don’t tend to look favorably on those who call them on their bullsh*t – they prefer those who encourage and support their [bad] decisions. We want to be liked, so we smile, nod, and keep our opinions to ourselves.
Second, is it really our place to say? A blog is just a tiny piece of a blogger’s life, and using such a tiny piece to judge the entire picture is just bad practice. Yes, we can pick up on certain problems that are blatantly obvious, but most things are a lot more complicated than we could ever imagine. Unless I get to know a blogger really well and start engaging with them on a platform outside of simple blog comments, I don’t feel comfortable commenting on their eating/exercise habits. I hate it when people make assumptions about me, so I do my best to practice the same courtesy and not make any assumptions about them; and if I’m really concerned, then I’ll voice my thoughts in a personal e-mail – a comment section just doesn’t seem like the right place for that kind of discussion.
Finally, I think part of the reason we don’t say anything is that there are certain instances where we just don’t care enough to; that, and we don’t feel like our comments will make a difference anyway so we say nice things just to be liked. It sounds cruel, but let’s be honest… Yes, we form close relationships with some of the bloggers whose blogs we read, but for the handful of blends we make, the rest remain more-or-less strangers that we don’t really have any sort of emotional investment in. Would you tell a stranger you met on the street that they look too skinny or too fat? Would you comment on a random person’s choice of entree when they’re sitting at the restaurant table next to you? My guess is probably not. Furthermore, most people know they have some sort of problem, and if they’re not doing something to change it, it’s probably because they’re just not ready to – a comment from a random person on the Internet isn’t going to spur them into action, it’ll probably just make them defensive and angry – so we play nice.
Is that wrong? Is it wrong to see a problem and not speak up? I’m not quite sure. I wouldn’t exactly say that readers have any sort of responsibility when it comes to pointing out a blogger’s questionable habits – after all, the blogger has friends and family that should be playing that part – but at the same time, a gentle “what the heck are you doing to yourself?” can make a person realize that what they’re doing isn’t exactly healthy.
So I’m not sure. It’s a difficult issue to navigate, and I’d love to hear your guys’ thoughts and opinions on the matter. Should we speak up when we see a problem? Or just hold our peace?
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I will freely acknowledge that I often see material with which I disagree but seldom (if ever) voice my disagreement. Like you stated, if there is genuine emotional concern, there are other (better) methods to make your concerns known than via a remark, thus I believe it’s acceptable to keep your opinions to yourself.
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Goodness this is a tough one! I certainly don’t leave supportive comments if I see something strikingly amiss…but I usually wouldn’t have started reading that blog in the first place. I stay away from ones I can’t relate to or that might make me feel bad about the way I eat.
If something did bug me about a blogger I either “knew” or had been reading for awhile, an e-mail seems like the best approach. We can still be considerate of others’ feelings…but if something either bugs me (non-food or fitness related) or I am concerned for readers or the blogger, I am the type of person that can’t feel good about myself unless I say something.
Thanks for bringing this topic up…maybe a follow-up later on the conclusion you came to?
Great post! One part of this that I have dealt with was the ONE time I got fresh enough to leave a comment about what I thought was a bad habit. I was verbally attacked by other readers and I mean down right mean and horrible things said about me, all for leaving a comment that was only meant to offer a little warning. I couldn’t believe it! I prefaced the comment with the this is going to sound mean but as an employer I was trying to give her a polite heads up. I was shocked by the words that some entitled young ladies wrote about me for leaving such a horrible comment. I was in a way heartbroken. My blog I leave open to all comments and I respect everyone’s opinion. People have left less than flattering comments on my blog and I respond to them politely and professionally. I would never let me readers attack another reader.
I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through that, Renee 😕 I don’t moderate my comments when they pertain to me or what I say, but I would never allow one reader to bash another – that’s just uncalled for.
Like you mentioned, it’s hard to really say something to someone (even if we feel in our gut that something is really wrong) because a blog IS only a tiny bit of someone’s life. Sometimes I forget just how much diversity there is in blog world and I forget that there are people out there who analyze every single thing that they eat…because I just don’t think that way. The last thing I want is for someone (especially someone with a disordered mindset) to tell me that I need to start (or stop) eating this or that. All that being said, I guess I just chose to remain quiet for fear of “getting it wrong”…if I don’t know the whole story, who am I to make assumptions?
I gotta agree with Heather on this one. We are seeing just a small glimpse of someone through their blog, and unless I know them personally, I’m not going to call them out on their behavior. In most cases, I simply stop reading blogs where I find the behavior disordered, and in the case of bloggers I really enjoy, I try to comment and praise the positive things (i.e. eating more or taking a day off from exercise) rather than point out the negative.
You can’t be in the healthy living blog world without coming across such things. There will always be some recovering girl who preaches about the benefits of recovery and stays at the same frightening weight for years, some recovered girl who suddenly drops all the weight she’s gained and pretends nothing happened, some supposedly perfectly normal girl who tracks nutrients to the microgram and exercises until exhaustion. There’s no way to avoid them. But shall we react? What can we say that won’t make us look like “yet another jealous b*tch”? Sometimes I just want to open my mouth and say it out loud – “Stop torturing yourself!” – but in the end I don’t because I know they won’t listen anyway. And who am I to judge? Another fear I have is that I might be wrong and see disordered behaviour even there where there’s none because of my own past mistakes. I don’t want to put labels on anybody so I simply close the page and hope they know what they’re doing.
I didn’t think it was possible for me to adore you anymore and BAM somehow you managed to raise the bar again 🙂 This is something that’s been on my mind lately as well. You really nailed all the various arguments and did a great job explaining the different approaches one can take when it comes to concern and judgement. I have no shame in admitting that I often come across content that I disagree with but I rarely (if ever) express this. Personally, I think it’s fine to keep your opinions to yourself – like you said, if there is true emotional concern there are other (better) ways to make your thoughts known than through a comment. With that said, I would say that 90% of the time I try to refrain from judgement because a blog often only shows part of someone’s life. Who am I to judge someone who I’ve never met in person or haven’t spent significant time getting to know? First impressions and blogging personalities presented count, yes, but ultimately it’s up to the individual (i.e. you and I and other readers) to decide if (or how) to judge.
You just spoke words I hadn’t realized I have been contemplating for a long time. I struggle with the blog stuff a lot because there are times that I just don’t agree with something or I see that something MIGHT be wrong. But should you say something when they aren’t reaching out? See I don’t think you have a responsibility to but it is hard for me as a person not to voice my opinions especially when I read about these girls almost every day and for some I really feel like they are friends. For those I do feel a friend responsibility to voice concern if I feel like something might be up. But not in the comment section. I think the comment section should be a place where we can offer encouragement and friendly advice if they ask. If you have nothing to say there it might be best just to send an email and keep your comments private?
Really good post, and all the comments resonate my own opinion too. It’s just terrifying to read certain posts sometimes. I read a fair few blogs, like I’m sure a lot of other bloggers do as well, and it’s so easy to get ‘caught up’ in what the normality has become. You start reading so many times that gluten’s bad for you, you start to question yourself when you choose a sandwich – and god forbid white bread!! But it’s suddenly become normal. I show my husband some posts (he doesn’t read blogs or care at all really about healthy food and fitness) and he just can’t believe it. He seems bewildered by it all. It can be a dangerous community at times and if you don’t get a breath of fresh air (I.e. reality) you can become lost in it.
I think it wonder be wholly unfair to comment anything about a disordered post – whether in praise or criticism, I think it’s far more respectful to email, and only if you know the person well enough to do so. I also seriously wonder about the blogger’s family and if they read the posts. I just hope they have enough support around them.
You raised a really good point about the dangers of getting completely engrossed in the HLB community, Anna. I definitely think that people start redefining what normal is when they’re constantly reading blogs, and that can lead them to do things that they otherwise wouldn’t. Like if we take a look at the world “out there,” most people aren’t exercising 6 or 7 days a week and eating a completely clean diet… yet they still manage to be healthy. A good dose of reality every now and then is definitely beneficial.