Yesterday… hoooo boy. Let me tell you. No, really… let me tell you.
Judging by the comments you guys left in yesterday’s post, a lot of us are dealing with raging appetites these days… and yesterday was another epic one for me. By the time lunch rolled around, I think I had already eaten pre-breakfast [fruit], breakfast, second breakfast, a snack, and a few random nibbles of this and that — I may as well pack my bags and move to Hobbiton.
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Either that or get a second job to help pay for my grocery bills 😉 I’m able to joke about them now (for the most part), but there was a time where insatiable appetite days tormented me — not only because of the anxiety I’d feel as a result of my increased hunger, but because I wouldn’t allow myself to eat more than normal so I ended up being hungry all.day.long, and we all know how that goes…
Not well. Irritability. Lack of focus. Lack of energy. Lack of desire to think about anything other than food… it’s not a pleasant way to live. And yet we trick ourselves into believing that it’s the only way to live if we want to be happy — failing to realize that the self-induced starvation is actually taking away from our happiness instead of adding to it.
It’s been a while (almost exactly 1 year!) since I’ve written about my attitude towards those days where I feel like a bottomless pit, so I figured a little update was in order — especially since I’ve been getting a lot more e-mails concerning recovery lately. In short, I guess I’d call it a non-issue. I definitely notice the days where I feel like a bottomless pit, but I see them as a humorous nuisance more than anything else — a mindset that I honestly never thought that I’d be able to get back to.
See, before my ED, I never thought twice about how, what, where, or when I ate. Poptarts for breakfast? Grabbing an unplanned treat during the day? McDonald’s at 1 AM? Yes, usually, and sure. Okay, so I definitely wasn’t a picture of healthy eating, but at least I had a healthy mindset; and for all my lack of concern over my diet, my body seemed to be doing just fine.
Enter an ED where everything became controlled, restricted, and healthified. Only so much of certain foods at specific times — absolutely no wiggle room. You probably don’t need me to tell you this but… it was misery. Constantly watching the clock to see when I was “allowed” to eat, feeling unsatisfied after a meal because it wasn’t what I wanted, forcing myself to go hungry because I had already filled my allotted calories for the day. Ugh. Even thinking about it makes me cringe.
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It wasn’t an easy or quick journey to get from there to here, and while I wish I could tell you exactly how it happened, I’ve been having a hard time putting the story of my recovery into words because there were so many different aspects to it — I’m working on it, though. What I can say to anyone struggling with this kind of thing is that all those fears that tell you that your world will fall apart and you’ll become absolutely miserable if you let go of the control and eat when you’re hungry are absolute garbage.
You won’t “let yourself go” and turn into a fat, lazy blob, but you will become healthier, feel happier, and regain your life. Did I ever think that I could be happy at a higher weight? No. Am I? Hell yes. Sure I gained a few pounds in the process, but those few pounds are more than worth the carefree feeling of just eating and moving on. My body seems to have found its natural set point, and my weight stays the same without me really having to put much effort into it.
So please, please, please… be kind to yourself. Don’t needlessly rob yourself of happiness because you think that being thinner will make you happier. There’s so much more to life than being able to fit into a certain [usually unnatural] size, and you’ll miss out on most of it if you’re lost in a hunger-induced fog.
Do you have an easy time honouring your hunger? Did you ever struggle with it?
Do you believe in idea that bodies have a natural set point?
I’d love to hear any of your thoughts or personal experiences 🙂
I hear you!! I used to plan out every single bite, and I would practically panic if I didn’t get to eat what I have planned. Thankfully I have relaxed a LOT and it’s been a much easier system 😉
“Okay, so I definitely wasn’t a picture of healthy eating, but at least I had a healthy mindset; and for all my lack of concern over my diet, my body seemed to be doing just fine.” yes i can so totally relate to this. i never used to work out before my ED and i certainly didn’t eat that well at all. yet i was never more than a size 5 in jeans. i just ended up internalizing what my boyfriend at the time was telling me – that i needed to tone up and look better and have a flatter stomach and less lovey love handles. and so i started on that journey and here i am as i write this comment, a size 2 and feeling like absolute shit about how i ate this weekend even though it consisted of both treats (nachos, cake) and healthy eats (broccoli, beans, veggies, etc). i eat way more healthy foods now and i work out so i’m not sure why my disordered mind thinks that i’m going to “go back” to the way i looked before. that doesn’t really make much sense. it’s not even all about appearance either – it’s about my mind telling me i have a weak resolve whenever i do keep calm and eat what i want.
i really did need this post today so i’m thankful that i saw it today instead of the day you posted it. i have maria to thank for that actually, since she linked it in her MIMM post today. i’m certainly not feeling marvelous on this monday but reminders like this always help. i appreciate your honesty!
Awwr girl 🙁 I’m so sorry to hear that… If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know <3
Ch-yeahhhh. You know how much you’ve helped me 🙂 <3
This is just what I needed. Although I no longer am challenged by my ED, I certainly still have the vicious thoughts that do not allow myself to eat more… even if my body screams for it. I am growing better and stronger each and every day. It’s posts like these that keep me in-line. It’s true- blogging truly helps us overcome our obstacles.
Just yes. Yes to all of that! Especially your comment about fitting into a unnaturally healthy size for you, been there done that and not going back! I am so much kinder when it comes to my hunger levels now thankfully 🙂
I never had an ED but I did get very obsessive about calorie counting and I am happy to say it is a habit I have given up but I am still navigating the world of Intuitive Eating and working out when I am hungry vs. am I just bored or some other emotion and wanting food out of that.
I love how honest you are with your post and it is so inspiring to see how far you have come and been able to get to a place of such self acceptance. I have many times of feeling plain uncomfortable but I would rather push through that uncomfortableness than ever go back to calorie counting or only eating because I had the set amount of calories left not because I was just hungry.
Ooh girl, this was a great post. Loved it. And I’m so glad that you’ve come to find such a great balance with yourself, your hunger, your weight, your life. That’s beautiful. I struggled with the same thing and for me the memories are most poignant for when I was trying to write my thesis while in my eating disorder and a terrible relationship. I so badly wanted the perfect life, the perfect thesis, the perfect relationship, the perfect body, and yet everything in my life was falling apart. As cliché as it sounds, it was only when I decided that I was going to love myself and my life no matter what that I felt more in control of my appetite, my relationship with exercise began to heal me once I healed it, I brought in healthy relationships with healthy people, and my body did settle in to where it’s supposed to be. I’ve weighed myself once in the last year and was shocked to find that it was a number that I was ok with. What shocked me more than the number was how I didn’t obsess over it after that. I don’t know what I weigh now and I don’t care to. I’m happier in my life when I eat and that’s really what it’s about for me.
I could be a hobbit for sure ;)! Just wondering in what ways your attitude has developed since a year ago- jus less anxiety over the process of eating more? You seemed to believe you were pretty cool with it a year ago, that’s why I’m wondering how your thought process differs now, thanks Amanda 😉
Hi Allison! It’s hard to say that much has changed, actually. Looking back at my post from September of last year, I was still dealing with some anxiety over eating more, but then I seem to have been okay with it by November of last year. I guess I just wanted to reiterate that it’s possible to get over that anxiety for the long haul.
Lol I just read a post that you wrote in November where you were a little anxious about the voice that was exited over eating less because of no hubger and where that could lead – it’s a weird circle of worry isn’t it! 🙂 love how open you are Amanda
I really love your posts about recovery. While I never suffered as badly as you, I spent a year with that insatiable hunger, anxiety, and unhappiness because of food. I remember breaking down and crying because I was expected to eat dinner in front of people and that before a trip, my boyfriend had to tell me to leave my food issues at home.
I still feel that way sometimes, but more often that not, I realize the weight I am is my healthy-set weight. I run 25-30 miles a week, go to hot power yoga 4-5 times a week, and still fit into all of my clothes (albeit some days they are tighter than others) so I know that a lot of this weight gain is from having muscle again and not looking like a stick.
I read this blog post definitely on a second breakfast day! Coming from a Japanese family, I have always had a weird relationship by what constitutes a normal weight because it is so different depending on what country I am in. I’ve just had to learn that the average body weight is different here than in Japan and as long as I am healthy and eat healthily, that is what counts against comments I’ve had on my weight when in Japan. I’ve recently come through a pretty tough summer that has left me exhausted so I have been eating more and exercising less until I get my energy back. I think that bodies do have a natural set point and we just have to let them do their job and stay as healthy as possible, not as thin as possible. This post was great thank you for sharing 🙂
I definitely have days when all I do is eat (ahem, on days I have soccer games) and sometimes it does get to me, but I find that if I know that I have been active than I am able to get past it. Now, if Im just shoving food into my mouth while sitting in front of the couch all day, that usually causes some problems for me because that is clearly NOT hunger.
Im better at honoring my hunger now than I ever have been. I feel like I have really turned the corner. Sure, some days I still have problems eating THAT much. I just don’t understand how my body can still possibly be hungry, but if there’s one thing Ive learned from my ED is that my body knows best.
Do you have an easy time honouring your hunger? Did you ever struggle with it? I still struggle with it some, but I’m a lot easier on myself than I used to be. Yesterday was yet another bottomless pit day (I’m talking breakfast, 3 snacks, lunch, 3 snacks, dinner, many…many snacks). But one thing I try to remind myself is that if my body is asking for it, then it needs it. My nutritionist always reminds me- “you don’t get fat from eating when you’re hungry”.
Do you believe in idea that bodies have a natural set point? YES! A “happy weight” or “healthy weight”. Have you seen this video? I love it. http://youtu.be/mg3tdqWSi6k
I’m still working on getting myself to my set point, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was even a year ago. I’ve learned that despite drunken nights, multiple pizzas, eating out 5x a week, and no gym…I gain weight so. slow. This is both a blessing and a curse. For one, it eases my mind that eating way more doesn’t cause crazy weight gain. However, I want to get to my set point but it’s taking sooo long to get there. So for now I’m trying not to put my life on hold and just live life now…even if I’m not at a healthy weight. Because I’m at a healthiER weight, and it keeps getting more healthy. I deserve to live my life no matter what weight I’m at.
I think the problem I keep coming back to is how much my hunger/satiety cues are affected by working the night shift…and how crazing the cravings are…like I legitimately FEEL like I’m going to die if I don’t run to the pantry and shove 8 handfuls of trail mix in my mouth. I KNOW I’m not hungry, but for some reason, I can’t convince myself of that. Then once it’s happened, I feel guilty and of course then comes the emotional/fuck it all eating. I never really thought about it until now, but I changed to working this shift AFTER I started counting calories. I think that’s what helped me to keep things in order. Yeah sometimes I would wait to eat until it was closer to my “set” time and yeah I wasted a lot of time meticulously counting cups, teaspoons, and ounces, but it gave me something to focus on. Now that I don’t have that OR exercise to fall back on, I feel like I’m free falling half the time. I definitely didn’t emotionally eat in the past the way I do now. And it’s hard to accept the extra weight when I know that it’s all from bingeing. This week was pretty tough for me, but I’m trying my best to find something to focus my energy on. So far, I’ve been to the gym twice this week and I’ve been purposefully making more savory meals and I think it’s helping a little. Gah, I keep forgetting how long/hard this journey is…I swear sometimes it feels like I’ll never be on the “recovered” side of things, but then you post something like this and it gives me hope! Thank you!
Girl, e-mail me if you ever need to talk <3
Wow, what an amazingly honest and heartfelt post. I love your advice of ‘being kind’ to yourself – so important. Thanks for sharing.
Also, I am nutritionist (not that I’m using it professionally at the moment oops…) and there is defintiely such a thing as a set point! Out bodies are amazingly clever and intricate machines, and they comfortbale at a certain weight/size and so will strive to keep you there and in a balanced state usually regardless of the differences of energy intake every day (as in, let’s think about it, no one ever really has exactly the same amount of calories per day, unless they are being uber restrictive and as part of an ED, it usually varies and goes up and down, yet our bodies seem to stay the same overall). This is great news for when people are a happy and healthy weight (such as yourself, well done!) but sometimes adds to why people plateau when they are trying to lose weight or why people struggle to lose their weight.
You seem to have a great and healthy attitude towards food, and although it’s hard sometimes when we feel like we ‘should’ or ‘shouln’t’ eat a certain way or amount, I think it’s important that if you’re hungry: eat. Your stomach doesn’t ‘know’ that it is such and such o’clock or that it is ‘breakfast’ time or ‘dinner’ time, i.e. eat whatever you want to eat and at any time throughout the day. Let’s listen to our bodies, and if our bodies are telling us they NEED a bit more dark chocolate, or another sandwich, then we should listen to them and that’s ok. 🙂
Again, great post, thanks.
Thank you, Lou! This –> “Your stomach doesn’t ‘know’ that it is such and such o’clock or that it is ‘breakfast’ time or ‘dinner’ time, i.e. eat whatever you want to eat and at any time throughout the day” was something that I struggled with for the longest time, but lo and behold, the world didn’t fall apart if I ate breakfast for dinner or had lunch an hour earlier. And needing dark chocolate — my body has definitely been communicating that to me these past couple of days 😉
I really enjoyed this post, Amanda…especially as it resonates so much for me. Looking back I employed so many hunger-preventing tactics and most of the time, they probably did more harm than good: I was starving, low on energy, cranky, unfocused and only thinking about food. It was almost liberating when hunger and responding to it became less of an issue. I try to remind myself that emotionally and physically sick people don’t experience hunger. If anything those hunger pangs are just a sign of a working metabolism and good health. That’s good enough reason for me to embrace it 🙂
I’ve had experiences very similar to yours, Amanda. Before my eating disorder, I wouldn’t mind eating a bowl of pasta as my after school snack or a couple spoonfuls of PB before going to dance. Ice cream AND cake? Yeah! But when things changed…
If I even had bites of fruit, crackers, or whatever snack before a meal, I would have the possible amount of calories in each bite stuck in the back of my mind. I would then try to eat a little bit less to “compensate” for my unplanned snacking. *shaking my head* I used to go to bed hungry too, trying to tell myself that breakfast would come soon enough. Then I would wake up starving.
And yes, I was often irritable and lackluster. My dance teacher even called my parents to express her concerns about my unusual lack of energy and weight loss.
Also, I would ALWAYS be freezing because my body didn’t even have enough energy stores to insulate. At my high school’s homecoming soccer game last year, I had so many layers + earmuffs, and I was still the coldest among all of my friends, even if they were just wearing sweatshirts.
Thankfully, God has blessed me with family members that care deeply about my well-being. My family and bloggers like you have been an immeasurable help to the healing process this past year. 🙂
That’s SO great to hear, Alison <3 And there's only better times ahead 😀
What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing this part of your life. I know your words will help a lot of people.
I wouldn’t necessarily call it intuitive eating, but I usually just listen to my body and try to honor its cravings (unless it’s a week long sugar orgy…oops) whether its boatloads of veggies, potatoes, eggs, muffins, pasta, whatever. In the throes of last week’s sugar addiction (I use this term loosely), I started craving all things green. It was my body’s way of balancing out all those sweets. I have light food days, heavy food days, days where I can’t stop snacking and days where I eat nothing but three square meals. It all evens out for me, although to be fair, I’ve never had an ED so I can’t really relate to being in those shoes, although every time you share this kind of stuff, I gain a better understanding. I really appreciate it.
It sounds like intuitive eating to me! And I have to thank YOU for being a great example of someone who eats normally in what can sometimes be a crazy blog world…
Thanks for that. I really do appreciate it. Sometime I feel very isolated (food wise – not people wise) in our HLB community so your comment means a lot.
I find that my insatiable appetite days seem to correlate with my workouts and my stress levels. And hey, if my body needs a little (or ALOT) more food on certain days to fuel it through the craziness, then that is what it’s going to get. 🙂 Great post as usual, love, I think it was the perfect follow up to your last one on the topic.
I’m glad that you shared about your ED (I had to read the back story since I haven’t been reading your blog very long). I love to hear about people who have recovered and found a healthy/happy medium even though it can be a constant struggle.
Beautiful post. The art of intuitive eating and finding health, happiness, and balance in life.
I love this post, Amanda- And a great way to do a yearlong reflection. Its amazing how by honouring your hunger (regardless of how consistent it may need to be tended to) what tiny benefits and even the smallest changes in behaviour occur. Regarding those ‘random’ hungry days- I’m not the biggest fan of them, especially as they usually occur when I’m not home or out and about and its abit of a pain- I need to work on embracing them and going with the flow.
I’m still trying to find my happy medium, but I truly do believe in the ‘set point theory’- no matter how much you try and fight your body to be a low weight, it will fight back until it gets to that ‘happy point’- all the symptoms – physical and mental are all sure fire signs that someone is not at that set point.
Amanda this is a truly wonderful post. Thank you for writing and sharing. I think the more we push ourselves outside our comfort zone with food, the happier and therefore healthier we will be. Have a wonderful weekend!
Oh this is such a beautiful post! I can’t even put this into words better! You are so great at putting a wonderful truth behind recovery, and I know your readers, like myself who can relate, appreciate you doing so. The times when I can remember liking being hungry are some of the worst memories of m life, and I was SO irritable in the process. I hated not eating, but worse, I hated just ALLOWING myself to eat. Nowadays, when my appetite roars up, I’m excited because it means my metabolism is finally healing and I LET myself snack and eat regularly. That’s a nice feeling, especially when you can do it without guilt! I’ve been quite hungry myself these days and enjoying every minute! No more watching the clock waiting to eat. Being hungry is something no one should have to do, and while overeating isn’t either, food is a gift, as is health. It’s time for us to look at both that way, and not as punishment. Great post<3
Yes, I do truly believe that our bodies have a set point, as you called it. I think that people eat for lots of different reasons – sadness, happiness, boredom, anxiety, etc…but when you are truly HUNGRY it is because your body needs more to eat! There are ways to make sure you’re not taking in empty calories of course, but I really believe in listening to your body when it comes to food. Some days I also feel SO ridiculously hungry. For me, it’s a nuisance because I don’t want to spend the extra money for two breakfasts, a lunch, a snack, and dinner, but not eating for that reason isn’t smart either, so I’m working on budgeting better.
Anyway, long story short, I love your new perspective on things, and I agree with it completely.