Ever have those days where you have so many thoughts floating around in your head, that the moment you try and attend to one, they all come rushing forward at the same time only to get stuck in the doorway that separates your conscious from your subconscious, consequently leaving you sitting there with a blank look on your face and a little bit of drool dribbling down your chin? That was me for the past couple of days…
I started writing this post on Sunday afternoon, gave up trying to finish it on Sunday night, tried again on Monday morning, and finally said “to hell with it” on Monday afternoon and decided to do some gardening instead…
And by “gardening” I mean going out to buy a potted plant, haphazardly stuffing it in my car, and strategically placing it on my balcony, but still… considering it made me feel slightly less homicidal, I can understand why people say that “gardening” is quite therapeutic.
But that’s neither here nor there.
The point is, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and trying to get it all out has been a frustrating process to say the least. Yes, part of it has to do with those flowers from the other day, but I’m not quite ready to share the deets on that one just yet – I have to be patient myself, so you can keep me company while I wait. Please keep me company while I wait?
But again – neither here nor there.
What I actually wanted to talk about today has to do with recovery. I feel like I’m in a pretty good place with my recovery. I’m not afraid of food; I’m not addicted to exercise; and I don’t feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. I mean sure, I have my downer days, but even when those nasty thoughts do pop up, they’re more of a back-of-the-mind “itch” rather than an all-consuming focus that goes on to direct my actions.
So, overall, I’d say I’m doing alright on the food and body front. What I am struggling with, however, is life. Or, more specifically, with picking up the pieces of what my eating disorder left of mine.
[Source]
I lost a lot more than weight and health thanks to my ED. Friends. Ambitions. Passions. Gone. The ability to laugh. The ability to have fun. The ability to feel. Vanished. What I was left with was a hollow shell of my former self – I became a girl who cared about virtually nothing outside of food and fitness, and catering to the destructive demands of my disorder.
But that’s not the point. The point is that with time and plenty of blood, sweat, and tears, I recovered. My body healed and the destructive thoughts ebbed. Wonderful! Yes. The only problem was… hmm, how can I put this… I guess the best way to describe it is to say that I felt like I had suddenly woken up alone in the middle of an unfamiliar place and I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I felt completely lost…
Allow me to explain…
Essentially, I had forgotten how to live a normal life. My eating disorder was the center of my world for so long that I didn’t quite know what to do with myself when it no longer was – there was this big, black void in me that I didn’t know how to fill. And I was alone. My ED hit at one of those awkward transitionary phases of my life… I ended up losing a lot of the friends I had from high school and not really making any new ones throughout all of college – severely isolating oneself tends to have that effect. After all those years, it was just me, myself, and I. Okay, so it wasn’t quite that bad, but you get the idea. I was basically starting my life from scratch when I was already in my late[r] 20’s.
I’m not going to sugar coat it – it sucked hardcore, and there were plenty of times where I questioned the point of recovering in the first place. I mean, of course it was great to have more energy and be rid of all the obsessions, but I just couldn’t stop beating myself up over the fact that I felt so far behind everyone else my age. Sure, I graduated college, had a job, owned my own place, and went about the daily motions, but there was still something missing. My social life was non-existent and, more often than not, it basically felt like I was just trying to get through the day. There were plenty of times where I’d be sitting at home in the evening, just waiting for a decent hour to strike so that I could finally go to sleep and put an end to the day… only to wake up and repeat the entire process again, and again, and again…
And the most frustrating part of all? I wasn’t doing anything about it. There was nothing stopping me from going out there and “living,” as they say, but it was almost like… I didn’t know how? Or I just wasn’t interested? Like I’d resigned myself to the way things were, even though the way things were wasn’t exactly how I wanted them to be. It was kind of a low-point for me.
[Source]
Where am I going with all this? To be honest, I have no idea… I’m used to being able to give answers and offer advice, but I’m afraid I don’t quite have any when it comes to my current predicament – I’m still trying to figure it all out myself. Granted, things are a lot better than they used to be, but I can’t help but feel like I’m floating around in some kind of strange limbo. Yes, I have some things to look forward to, but they’ll take time, and the waiting game is driving me in.sane. I already feel like I wasted so much time, so the thought of wasting more is just… ugh.
But I’m trying my best to stay positive, and if I’m being completely honest, that’s usually not all that hard… This is something I want to go into a little more detail about in a future post, but I really do see everything I’ve been through as a blessing in disguise. Sure, it was no walk in the park, but it taught me so much, and I really feel like I’ve come out of it a better and stronger person. Now if only I can keep trusting the rest of the process…
. – . – . – .
Can anyone relate?
Have you ever gone through a period of “limbo” where you felt like you were just waiting for something to happen? Any advice on how to handle it? I’m not quite sure if I should be doing something more proactive or just be… ugh… patient.
Oh my gosh, wow! I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog. You’ve been such a help! I’ve been reading so many of your previous posts, and this one really hit home. I’ve been trying to describe this feeling of limbo and unease to my parents, and this post summarizes it perfectly. I lost friends, I lost my marriage, and I’m completely starting over at 30 years old. I know that this is a blessing, but I’m definitely struggling with this transition time. Thank you for expressing your feelings and helping me realize that I’m not the only one in this spot. And there is hope!
ooo…I know this is an older post. But this sounded a lot like me BEFORE I started seeking treatment for anxiety and mild depression. Therapy and meds have helped me SO much and I feel like a new person! Hope you’re feeling better these days! 🙂
i’m in limbo, too. sometimes being in limbo is the hardest, yet most revealing parts of our lives. you are strong.
🙁
Truth be told, my social life had started going downhill much before I decided to go on an endless diet. I’ve never been a social butterfly. However, after a certain point of developing that new obsession, it just hit rock bottom. I tried to push away the few people who still wanted to be friends with me and completely ignore the existence of everybody else who was distracting me from my goal. A few years later I’m still in school at the other end of the world and get my daily dose of regret every time I open facebook and see a new dose of “xxx got engaged to yyy”, a truckload of wedding pictures or a picture of the proud parents with their newborn child. People simply built their careers, families and future while I was too busy destroying my life. I wish I could say I don’t regret it but I do. Yes, it might have made me a better person in a way but I am 26 and I am just starting to dream about my own life. I’m so much behind and still stuck here because of a decision I made in an attempt to run away from the mess I had created back at home. It kinda makes me feel less of a loser knowing that a lot of people are in the same situation, trying to get back what they carelessly threw away, but it’s still a little frustrating. Finally full of energy and ready to live and there is nothing left of the life you used to have…
I guess I can’t really say anything positive on this topic so I’ll just shut up and hope that in a few years we’ll all have the life we always wanted.
What an open and honest post. I really enjoyed it, and I understand about the waiting game. I’ve never been great at being patient, and I believe you have to make things happen for yourself. It’s hard, but you’re really the only one who can actually do it.
While I can’t relate to having an ED, I always respect your frankness and honesty about the subject, and I do understand feelings of being stuck and sometimes a little bit alone, despite being surrounding by people. Most of my friends, those who actually live in the same state as me, don’t share my passion for fresh local food and fitness (quite the opposite really) so I turned to blogging and even there I’m starting to feel out of place, as you know from my post last week.
Reading posts like this one remind me why I’m still in this little community though. It was very touching and inspiring, so thank you. Also, I’m sure good things are on the horizon for you…much like those lovely flowers suggests.
I don’t know whether this has been suggested before but maybe if you write about your experiences in a book that would assist fellow sufferers of ED and introduce you to a wider voice in the world.
Just a thought as your musings seem to touch a lot of people’s hearts….
Thank you,
Ben.
Amanda, I’m almost 32 years old and my life has been limbo for the last 5 years. You’ve done in one year what I still haven’t done in 5 or 6.
I had an epic binge on Saturday and at 10 pm I ate an 85 gram of popchips (the whole bag) plus one giant tub of yogurt, a container of hummus, and 4 cups of grapes. I didn’t even want it or taste it or chew it. I just felt like I “had” to do it. If I could poop or exercise, I’d get over it. But since I can’t I’m actually literally poisoning my body. I’m trying to find a solid meal plan now to make peace with food and have found a potential 3. Email me if you are willing to listen about them or know blogger nutritinists that can “put me back together” again. I can’t live like this anymore. I just can’t.
I feel like I’ve been in limbo for the past three years and right now, I feel like I’m at the worst part of it. I keep telling myself that if I just push harder, I will come out on the other side of things and finally be able to look at this part of my life as the time where I finally found/figured out/learned to love myself, but man, this shit is hard! What I hate is that I thought when I was younger that my twenties were going to be some great party…I never realized it would just be a more drawn out version of my teenage years. Gah, how long do we have to live before we can make peace with ourselves and feel like we have a purpose?
Wow, Amanda, this is an amazing post!
I’m most definitely not at the place where i want to be at in my life nor do I have all the things going on that I thought would be. I’d like to think that patience is key and that good things eventually come to those who wait. People always say that your 20s are and should be the best years of your life and sometimes I just feel like its not for me. I know being proactive is also plays a big part in taking our life in the direction you want it to go. I mean, look at how far you’ve come! And continuing to look at the positive, I’d say that one of your passions is blogging and you most definitely have a ton of friends here supporting your 100% 🙂 It may be a slow process, but it’s happening!
Wow, thank you for opening up about this. I know it takes a ton of strength to do so, and I really admire you for it. This particular issue really strikes a chord with me- I feel like I’ve spent most of my adult life in limbo. I never really settled into an adult life before various stressors and things took over. Now, I’m not writing this to get a pity comment, just to share a slightly different take on this.
This kind of thing doesn’t exclusively apply to recovery, as I feel like there are those of us out there who had never really learned how to live a “normal life” – for one reason or another. In that case, it may not be a process, and it may not be something that will just *happen*. In these kinds of cases, there’s no shame in asking for help and pushing yourself. In fact, we might need to. If we’re used to being alone and in the ‘safe zone’ for quite some time, we may not remember how to break out. It may not be something that will just happen, and there’s no harm done in being proactive. Just like you put yourself out there on the blog, what’s the worst that could happen by putting yourself out there in the real world? You won’t get anywhere if you don’t start walking :-).
I know I need to take my own advice here, and I know how hard those first few steps are. It won’t be easy, but eventually it will be worth it. <3 Hope this helps!
You’re right, Rachel – it probably requires a good amount of pushing [ourselves] out of our comfort zones, which is never easy at first. But the thing I’m having the most trouble with is figuring out how much of it is just -me-, you know? Like I’ve always enjoyed spending quiet time alone, so I think a good chunk of the way I am now is just who I am, and I’m generally happy with it. It’s just working out all the finer details that can be a little bit difficult.
I definitely relate to all of this! I literally was in the exact same place…where I lost most of my high school friends and then never made new ones in college. Now, being done with college and finally in the final stages of recovery..I find myself crying and getting so upset because it is still so hard for me to feel “normal”. A lot of times I am uncomfortable and have to push myself to get out there and do things, and honestly lately I have really been having a hard time feeling like I am stuck and everyone else is out there getting marries, having kids, going to grad school, doing brunch with huge groups of people and so on…but at the end of the day I guess I really have to trust the process and hope that with time things will keep getting normal. I know that ever since I have given up ED things have seemed to fallen in place and granted there are still a lot of tough things to deal with, they are things that everyone deals with..aka break ups, fights with parents, drama with friends…but i do realize that is just life and I have to get used to processing my emotions and dealing with all the things I blocked out for so long! Instead of using food as an escape I have to face things head on and deal with the consequences of my actions over the past 4.5 years. Thank you for posting this and showing I am not alone. I guess we just have to keep on struggling on and working on ourselves each and every day..I know it will get easier and life always has a way of working out!
It definitely does have a way of working out, doesn’t it? One of the things that helps me stay hopeful is the fact that things seem to improve without me even putting too much conscious effort into trying to make them better. Does that make sense? Like, whether I’m paying attention or not, life just happens, and wherever I am feels like where I’m supposed to be. It’s a comforting thought 🙂
being stuck in limbo is hard – my fiance and I feel this way sometimes (well, a lot!) transitioning out of the military was rough and he still hasn’t found a job that he likes and can picture doing as a career…but there’s always things to pay for, like a wedding, a house…it’s frustrating to feel stuck and not be able to do anything to help him. but, like you said, staying positive is key. knowing that you’re working towards something bigger and better than will drastically improve your life and make you happier in the long run is worth the time and effort. i’m glad you’re in a good place with recovery and you can spread the message of just keeping positive =)
I have definitely been in your shoes. For months after my dad took his own life in 2009, I was in emotional limbo. So much of my life turned into pre-dads-padding and post-dads-passing. Where do I go from here? What will my future be like now? I had so much to look forward to with my dad-graduating grad school, work promotions, marriage, kids. So many things he was supposed to be there to share. What now? I struggled with trying to find happiness again, and when I did, I felt guilty for not being in constant grief. I lost a few friends that couldn’t understand what I was going through, and I pushed some away so I wouldn’t constantly bombard them with my emotional roller coaster. It was a lonely time and something I still struggle with time to time. I think only time helped (so cliche!) with learning how to balance finding happiness again with grief, a struggle I still am learning to juggle today! I’d say my best advice is to keep treating yourself with kindness and love, enjoy every moment life has to offer, and spend lots of time with those you love.
Being in an inpatient program, not only do they encourage things like knitting and craft as distraction techniques but I’ve found it also opens you up again to trying new things or taking up old hobbies. Coz, I feel very much the same in that my ED robbed me of so many of my interestes and passions… but you know what – I went and played my flute for the first time in 2 years the other day and I’m going to keep practicing because it was/is something I love and being obsessed with unhealthy ED behaviors robbed me of this passion.
My advice is just to try anything! You don’t necessarily have to got out, you could buy a cross stitch or just do a finger painting (that’s my plan on Monday), try anything that might spark that passion again- by trying new things even if you don’t like them, it just seems to help you recognise that you did have other interests before your ED took over and can again.
Cara 🙂
Great advice, Cara! I used to love being crafty and I’m pretty sure that I still do – every time I walk into a place like Michaels, I feel like a kid in a candy store 😀
I lost most of my friends in highschool, except a select few who stuck by me. Once college came I started my first year with a strong desire to make friends and have fun and ENJOY college. But about a month in everything went downhill. Forget friends, I had the gym to spend my time with. But there was one girl who never gave up on me. She continued to text me, send me Facebook messages, and invite me places…even though I never went. She did this for TWO YEARS. Until finally I gave in to her kindness and accepted her friendship. I lived with her senior year and she introduced me to so many incredible people.
I guess what I’m saying is I know that you’re going through. I spent all of high school and most of college being by myself. Then I got home from college and there were no people in my vicinity who I could hang out with (I went out of state for college). But one piece of advice I can give to you is to reach out to people who you used to spend time with. Give them the opportunity to give YOU a second chance. Whether it’s old high school friends, work friends, even people who were more “acquaintances” in college than friends. I say…just try.
That’s a good piece of advice – thanks, Laura. I’ve often thought about reaching back out to people, but then I start feeling all awkward about it because of how much time has passed and what not. I don’t exactly know if “heyyyyyy, I know it’s been a while, but wanna do coffee?” is a good approach 😆
Beautiful post, Amanda. Your words resonate with me on so many levels; I wish I could give you a big hug. <3 During recovery, I felt like a human shell whose heart had been hollowed. My passions – beyond food and exercise – were nowhere to be found; I'd lost my ability to laugh and be spontaneous; and I had no desire to travel (which was my greatest passion in life prior to my ED) because it meant leaving comfort of my routine and my favorite foods. Even though my life is much fuller now, I'm still overcome by feelings of emptiness from time to time. Sometimes I question if my desire to become a personal trainer and nutritionist is driven solely from my past, or whether it's my TRUE passion. However, I'm not sure whether I'll ever know. I firmly believe that everything that happens to us in life – every peak and valley…even the darkest valleys – happens for a reason. Our experiences shape us into who we are NOW, and the best we can do is embrace the current season of our lives, and let the future unfold as it's meant to. So I guess in that sense, those things truly are my passions, because they're what excite me at this point in my life. Maybe those passions will evolve and change, maybe they won't. I think the key for me is finding peace, happiness, and joy in the present. For me, that means spending more time with the people I love, treating my body right, exploring the world (even if just in my own city), and even stepping outside my comfort zone. It also means pursuing my career, which admittedly, I've been afraid to do. Reading this post and writing this response, made a light bulb go off – I think my former comforts -obsessions – with food and exercise have really held me back; they've prevented me from going after what I really want in life. While I've been home over the past month, out of the Washington DC rat race, I've had a lot more time to reflect, pray, and think about where I want to go next. I finally feel like I'm ready to take a big step outside my comfort zone, so that's what I'm about to do.
Sending you a huge hug! I really hope I get to meet you in September! <3 xoxo
“Our experiences shape us into who we are NOW, and the best we can do is embrace the current season of our lives, and let the future unfold as it’s meant to.” <-- That was so beautifully worded, Sara. Change is the only constant in life... There are things I love now that I used to dislike, and vice versa. We can never really be too sure if the choices we make are going to lead us to the be-all, end-all, but the older I get, the more I start to think that that kind of ultimate goal doesn't exist... that it's more about the journey than the destination; so the best we can do is just make the most of any given moment.
I can relate 100% to this. I feel like I didn’t really have the typical high school experience partly because my friend group since elementary school all drifted apart and also because the end of high school was when my ED was at its worst and I definitely isolated myself. I never went to any homecoming dance or prom, and while I don’t necessarily regret it, I do wish I’d opened myself up more. I kind of let it carry over into my first year of college, and living with a difficult roommate made my first year not as great as it could have been. I’m determined not to waste my 20s with ED crap, but it is hard to trust the process and let go of feelings and habits that have become son ingrained. I’m already scared for the near future, when I graduate college and move on to the ‘real world’ and I worry if the transition will trigger old feelings again and ruin my career and life dreams. So it’s definitely scary to be in this transitional period, and I know that with the honesty you’ve presented here and the inner strength I sense through all your posts, you will come out stronger on the other side!
It’s definitely hard to let go of a lifestyle that’s become so ingrained in you… I think that’s actually part of my problem right now as well. I’ve gotten used to spending all my time either working or being alone, that doing anything outside of that feels awkward and strange. It wasn’t always that way, though, so I’m assuming it just takes a little getting used to.
I have an will always feel that everything we go through in life, whether it be something easy or something painful & hard, it makes us who we are today. Without making mistakes, or getting hooked onto a drug, alcohol, or in your case, an ED, would we really be strong enough to make it through those tough times? Probably not! You are beautiful, and your raw honesty is becoming pure inspiration to so many ladies <3
Oh my god, I’m not alone.
I’m really proud of you for writing this, Amanda. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be to almost rewire your entire life and daily routine after such harrowing years. I felt, and still do sometimes, almost the exact same way after I got help for depression and anxiety; it’s scary to have your identity so tied up in your disorder, that when you become more free of it, you’re not sure who you really are anymore. It seems like something a lot of people struggle with (just reading the comments gives me, and I hope you, a feeling of not being so alone), and with no particular solution.
Sometimes it seems that life develops when you’re not really paying attention if you know what I mean. That feeling of wishing for motivation or some sort of direction always seems out of reach when you’re conscious of the lack of it… Sorry I have no idea if this is making any sense! I’m going to have to be cheesy but sincere when I say that you are doing perfectly and wonderfully as you are, and no matter how you feel, it’s okay (more than okay) to be in whatever position you are in your life. I love reading your posts, and I hope that soon I’ll read one about the wait for everything you’re looking forward to being easier to handle. <3333 You've got so many friends here supporting you, and I KNOW that all of those good things will come to you soon. You're worth it all and more.
Love, Caitlin. xxx
Thank you so much for your sweet comment, Caitlin 🙂 I definitely know what you mean when it comes to things just seeming to happen without me really paying attention or putting conscious effort towards changing things. A lot of my recovery has been that way so far, and I’m doing my best to embrace this period as well.
It has definitely been an adjustment to try to be “normal” again. I almost didn’t remember how to accept social invitations without making an excuse, to eat with friends without planning, counting and restricting or how to pick up friendships that I cast aside to make room for my restrictions. I think the thing that has helped the most is having supportive friends. I am lucky enough to have people in my life who still WANTED to hang out with me even after I was such a flake for so long. You will get there, and it will get easier along the way. Just open yourself up to the people you love and they will accept you with open arms 🙂
WOW! What a really well articulated post! I feel like I can totally relate; judging from the amount of comments I’m not the only one. While I’ve never had an ED, I’ve had periods of low in my life when I’ve had hardly any friends and not many interests – but only to be followed up by periods of high where I’ve had lots of friends and endless interests. I think one strategy to get to a high (or at least improve a low) is to pick something you enjoy and pursue it. I know you love to read, so why not join a book club at the library (and I’m not saying that just because I’m a librarian! EPL is really quite awesome) Regardless it’s nice to at least have the ability to connect over the internet 🙂
I’ve been meaning to get out there and join some kind of club for quite some time now, I just keep putting it off 😕 I really just need a good kick in the pants…
Once again your post hit home hard for me. I am currently in the begging of recovery. I am so glad I finally reached out and got help. Thanks so much for posting this. I love your posts.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery, Hayley <3
I have no words.
I’m in tears because I feel like my life was just spilled out in a blog post that I didn’t even write. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I could never put into words and somehow you managed to do it flawlessly. Thank you- a million times- thank you.
You’re not alone. This transitioning phase is horrible but if we were able to overcome everything else, we can overcome this. It just takes time.
Sending love and hugs to you.
And sending love and hugs right back 🙂
Can I relate. Hell yes. More than you would know. Again, another post that is from my mind exactly
You hit the nail right on the head my friend, I can completely relate to ‘starting’ life late. What really sucks is that I didn’t even get a chance to really find myself before getting thrown head over heals into insanely long work hours. No I leave the house at 8 and get home at 8 and have no mental energy to be social and actually live my life. I feel like if I had had the chance to find myself beforehand rather than being so caught up in food I wouldn’t feel so lost. I guess all I can do is trust, and keep chugging along. Part of me like is just like you said “waiting for a decent hour to strike so that I could finally go to sleep and put an end to the day”. Then there is the other part of me that doesn’t want to wake up and have to start the day again.
Wow, this seems like a really depressing comment, but on the bright side I am trying to trust the process!
Wow… those are definitely some crazy hours 😕 Is there any way you’re able to cut back at all?
Wow. I can relate to this 100%. I actually have been down too the past few weeks. I just ‘graduated’ from my IOP program for my ED, and now I’m down to once a week appointments and it’s weird having all this free time for myself, without my ED. I feel empty, bored, lost. Like you, I lost a huge chunk of my life due to the ED. It hit in the middle of college, and now that I’ve transferred back home (living with my parents), I don’t really have a group of friends my age that I can really identify with. I feel like everyone else has moved on and I’m stuck.
I don’t know if I can offer you any advice, since I’m sort of in the same conundrum here. But hopefully it helps you to know that you’re not alone. And from what I read on your blog, your days seem pleasant, meaningful, and a heck of a lot more interesting than mine right now! As my mom says, “This is just a phase of transition.” You’ll find your place eventually.
I hope it helps you to realize that you’re not alone as well, and that even though things might kind of stink at the moment, they really do get better 🙂 Your mom is absolutely right, and that’s exactly what mine told me as well – it’s a phase. You kind of have to grit your teeth and bear it, but things gradually improve over time… even though sometimes they’re so subtle that you don’t even notice them.
Just what I needed to read today. Thanks Amanda, I can totally relate. It’s kinda like waking up from a coma of your former life. Anyways, I hope you have a lovely week 🙂
i definitely can relate. i feel like i’m in that slump right now, but only because it’s the summer and i wasn’t trying enough to find a summer job… i’ve been homebodying a lot and just wasting time until bedtime, only to repeat the day over again. i did have friends in high school, but i never let myself build those “friends forever!”-esque relationships because i always put school & homework first. it’s one of my biggest high school regrets. now i don’t want to go out because that often involves eating food at restaurants, and i’ve grown accustomed to and comfortable with making my own. kudos to this post, you’re a strong woman and i salute to you!
I love that you are open about the place that you are now, and all though it may take a little more waiting, I definitely don’t see it as wasting time, but rather embracing the process. It obviously took some damn impressive strength to go through recovery, and although aspects of the aftermath may not be ideal, that strength is going to be what keeps you going. So much love, girl!
What a powerful collection of thoughts, my dear! Back in the day at the end of high school/beginning of college and was struggling with ED habits and thought patterns,I felt so alone and confused! But the only thing, the only one, who kept me sane and stayed truly by my side no matter how much I hurt Him, was God Himself. I’m just sharing that part because as I continued to grow closer to Him once again and prayed for accountability and friends that He wanted me to be around, He provided. 🙂 I think that for me, prayer was the key to everything and it was the only thing that kept me going every morning. Luckily a lot of those friends remained in my life as I tried to reconnect with them, but it was definitely a process of WAITING because everything in my life just felt awkward! So I would say keep hanging onto God as you wait on Him, because He loves you and will provide everything you need. <333
Thank you, Ellie 🙂 And you’re right… prayer has played such a huge role in my recovery so far, and I definitely have faith that this is all part of God’s plan for me.
I can definitely relate to that feeling of limbo. For different reasons, but I found myself in a somewhat similar predicament after graduating college. I moved back home, where I only had maybe 1 or 2 friends from HS that I still kept in touch with, and was leaving all of my friends from college. Trying to find an apartment and a place to live, I didn’t know anyone who wanted to live in the city with me. So I took a leap of faith and just looked for rooms on craigslist, moved in with a couple guys, and let things happen. After several months, they moved out, and I listed the rooms which is how I met Andrea. People crack up when they find out we met on craigslist! I realized the other day that every person I ran that race with this weekend, I’d only known for less than a year, maybe a little over a year at most. Things will eventually fall into place, don’t worry! As far as being proactive though, I would recommend that. I never was, but Andrea was. She suggested we meet for coffee since we were both young and living in the same city, looking for a place. I said sure why not, and the rest is history!
Oh I think this is something many people go through in our late 20’s, especially! I’ve certainly gone through losing a lot of friends (for the better, but still, hurtful) and am totally in career limbo.. I do think it is so important to do different things to get different results. Something I notice reading blogs, mostly by those recovered from eating disorders/exercise obsession etc is that they only ever ‘go out of their comfort zone’ or set goals to do with food or fitness. Like, for ex. taking up yoga is great, sure, and you may grow as a person from it.. but it’s not going to change your life, your day-to-day, your situation. I think it’s important to be honest with ourselves, and hit the nail on the head (so to speak).. if you need to get out more, make friend dates to socialize, reconnect with old acquaintances, meet their circle of friends etc. Join a book club, a cooking class, a church group, whatever. And meeting people for dating, tough for everyone, but again, going out, being social, sharing with friends and family that you’re looking because you never know who they know. I’ve heard many times that your “weak ties” the people you don’t know very well, are your best resources, because they are connected to the most people that You aren’t.. for career, love and life 😉 Good luck girl! Great, honest and heartfelt post.
You’re definitely right, Shira! I’ve spent a lot of time working on repairing the food and exercise aspects of my ED, but the social one is something that I’ve still been neglecting. I’ve been meaning to join some kind of group or class -forever- now, but I just keep putting it off and I don’t even know why. Ugh. I need a good kick in the pants…
This post is another example of why this has been my most-visited blog for the past year. I love the honesty, and you describe that feeling perfectly. I can definitely relate. My eating disorder came at an inopportune time as well, at a time when I should have been making friends, having fun and discovering my passions instead of whittling away all my time on exercise and healthy eating. Luckily, from my experience, it’s never to late, no matter how much time was wasted. Because (at risk of sounding sappy, sorry!), if you think about it, the time wasn’t really wasted. No matter how hard those times were, like you said they taught you a lot.
On another note, you have me super curious about whatever thing you can’t write about yet!! It sounds really exciting. :))
That’s a beautiful realization, isn’t it? That it’s never too late 🙂 I think one of the most important things is to forgive yourself and let go of what happened, because constantly beating yourself up over “wasted” time is just more wasted time…
I know just how you feel! My days often consist of waiting for meals and waiting to go to bed. I’ve been on vacation for over a week now, and I still can’t seem to enjoy it the way “normal” people should, because I’m too worried about feeling “fat”. I’m not enjoying going out to dinner the way I should, and find myself freaking out because the foods I’m served are not what I would choose at home. But I will take your advice to try and stay positive.
Oh Amanda, this post was just so beautiful. I just love your honesty and willingness to share your inner most feelings with your bloggers. I’ve not been through what you went through, but your bravery and faith are so commendable. It’s so inspiring to meet a woman so full of fight and trust. The process seems horrid and difficult, but I know you will come out stronger and full of motivation to help yourself and others. I’m sending you big hugs and know that all of your blogging friends (and ones outside of the internet 🙂 ) are 100% supportive and behind you. We love you and everything you bring to this world, with or without the struggles! 🙂
Aww Katherine, thank you so much. Your comment honestly brought the biggest smile to my face. Thank you 🙂
Came across your blog a couple of months ago and really enjoy it. You have a great style and you write with such passion. Thanks for always sharing!
I can also completely relate. I lost my high school and early universities years due to my eating disorder addiction and socially I think I have the grace of a ten year old. But I do believe that life is just moving forward and like you said, we have to “trust the process”.
Sadly i can totally relate. I am in a much better place now in my recovery, but my life is still feeling the after effects. I too isolated big time in college and pretty much wasted my college years at the gym or in the bathrokm! Ugh! I missed out on making life long friends. I have lost interest in some of the things i used to enjoy. I dont really know what i enjoy these days. But stick woth it! You have your health and it will take time!! You are so not alone!