I came across some old journals while I was de-clutering my condo the other day.
Journals that I kept during my early recovery. Journals that documented every meal and my thoughts/feelings surrounding them. Journals that made me feel like I was reading someone else’s words…
Who was this girl who had a complete breakdown because she didn’t cook her quinoa properly and had to sub it out with rice instead? Who believed that going 10 calories above her daily limit was going to make her gain weight overnight? Who judged how well her day went based on how balanced and perfect she thought her meals were?
Who was this girl who refused to have cereal for breakfast because she believed that it wasn’t “clean” enough and that it wouldn’t keep her full for more than 10 minutes…
Plain Greek yogurt – banana – blueberries – Kashi Cinnamon Harvest – Puffins – almond butter.
Who wouldn’t allow herself to snack on a mango because it had too much sugar…
Who would never have canned soup as part of her lunch because it had way too much salt…
Amy’s Tomato Bisque.
Who would never dream of having two eggs in one meal unless the yolks weren’t involved. And is that buttered bread I see? God forbid…
Two over easy eggs and a smear of butter on pumpernickel bread.
Who was this girl who wasn’t able to go out and order anything at Starbucks (besides black coffee) because she couldn’t be sure that the baristas would get the measurements (read: calories) exactly right…
Perfectly foamy cappuccino.
Who would never be able to come home and snack on a homemade cookie because she never baked. Ever. Guessing how many calories were in homemade goods? Too much anxiety. And all the “healthy” substitutions she used never made for a good treat anyway…
Who was this girl who would never eat a delicious dinner prepared by her loving mother because she didn’t know a) how many calories were in the meal, and b) how much oil was involved…
Sweet and sour chicken stir fry.
Who would never allow herself to grab a handful of chocolate after dinner because it wasn’t in the plan…
Who was this girl who would skimp on her nightly snack and go to bed hungry more often than not, only to be woken up multiple times during the night by a grumbling stomach…
Weetabix with yogurt and banana.
I honestly can’t remember. I mean, logically I know I had an eating disorder – that’s not exactly something you forget – but it feels like a past life. The fear. The obsession. The despair… It just doesn’t seem real anymore. I used to have a hard time separating myself from my eating disorder and couldn’t imagine a life without it, but now I have a hard time relating to the thoughts that consumed me while I suffered from it. I no longer think of myself in terms of “recovered” or “recovering,” I just feel like me – normal. And I guess that’s a good thing 🙂
Happy What I Ate Wednesday, friends!
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What’s one food fear or anxiety that you got over and have trouble relating to now? Everyone has one… whether it was not eating past a certain time or sticking to low-fat/low-sugar foods. Share your successes!
Which do you prefer: rice or quinoa? To be honest, rice…
Favorite way to eat eggs? See lunch 😀
You’re so luck to have gotten past this! All the things you say about “to that girl” I can relate to and it pains me so much.
I’ve been struggling a lot recently battling my recovery. I really just want to stop weighing food, counting calories and tracking macros.
I’m only 17 and I don’t want this to steal my life away. My friend is also suffering from anorexia. As well as that, so many girls at my school are going clean/vegan/pescetarian/red meat free/low fat and its really triggering, which makes my recovery even more difficult.
Do you have any tips or words of support?
I love these posts so much by the way. You were the person who inspired me to take my firsts steps in recovery. I just feel like I’ve reached the bottleneck and I’m so close…
I absolutely loved this post because I found food journals from about a year ago and it made me think i was a nut case haha. I legit had “meals” with “200 cals” listed beside them, yikes! I also just recently completely threw all of the same food rules you used to have to the wind so this post gave me some hope when I’ve been doubting myself. Thanks again! <3
This was amazing! I can relate to a lot of the things that you said. I’m so happy htat you have come to a time in your life where that experience feels like a part of a past life, I still have not got there. Yes I live a healthy lifestyle and eat treats (planned ones mostly) but I still think about food a lot and I still feel guilty and bloated (don’t know if I actually am) after those weekly ‘treatmeals’ even when I tell myself it’s good for the body and the soul. Thanks you for being an inspiration, I hope that the negative voices will leave me alone eventually as well 🙂
One food that I would have had anxiety to at the time was peanut butter, but now I can’t get enough and I don’t feel guilty for it 😀 Yay for growth!
Although I don’t tend to eat them often (sweet potatoes are my fav source of carbs), brown rice would probably top quinoa for me. I love my jasmine brown rice
Eggs? I would say either an omlete or scrambled up in pad thai 😉
Bread just calls for butter. And eggs call for their yolks to be eaten. You’ve come a long way baby. I’m pretty sure that’s a phrase from something, and it fits perfectly here. Good for you; I’m sure you are an inspiration for others in the same plight.
Amanda, you are such an inspiration. I’ve been quietly reading your blog for the past couple of years, admiring how you’ve moved past your eating disorder the way you have. I’ve been suffering from obsessive eating patterns, like the ones you describe here, for the past three years. And the past half year has been absolute hell, as my obsessive macro nutrient counting has moved into bulimia. I’ve been avoiding birthdays, parties, my family… anything that might involve food, might throw off my weight loss progress.
But yesterday, after eating half a jar of nutella in one sitting, I decided something has to change. I’m done with this insane behavior, done abusing my body, done ruining my relationships, done letting numbers control my life, to try and attain the perfect waist line. I know it’s not gonna make me like myself any better anyways.
So I want to thank you for giving me an alternative to fitspo blogs while I drink my morning coffee. For giving me hope that one day, I really will be able to eat a home-cooked meal, attend a potluck, enjoy dessert, without feeling guilty.
Keep doing what you do girl :]
Awwr Sunny, thanks so much for your kind words. And don’t hesitate to get in touch with me if you ever need some support! <3 Recovery is a hard road, but definitely worth it.
I just stumbled upon your blog and wow this post hit home. Here I am thinking I have a healthy living blog, yet exactly what you wrote above describes my current state of mind. I blame it on being a control freak (I used to suffer from bulimia a few years ago but since recovered) and living a healthy lifestyle , yet the way you described your feelings on calories, Starbucks, treats etc is a mirror image of my current state of mind. Time I learn to live a little and indulge more
Definitely, girl! Life’s too short! It’s kind of scary how often disordered thoughts and habits can disguise themselves under the veil of “health,” and while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to eat healthy foods, being afraid to enjoy the occasional treat might mean there’s still something going on.
wow what a fantastic look back! I have never had a true eating disorder, but I think many of us have had moments or days where we think those thoughts and it’s a great reminder that we have to change our relationship with food!
Love this! It’s so amazing to be able to look back on anxieties like this and feel so completely removed from them! That’s how I’m finally starting to feel about a lot of things…measuring out food at the top of the list. I never before would have DREAMED of just pouring a bowl of cereal…What if it was too much? What if I ate it ALL?? How would I know the calories?! Funny how all that seems so trivial to me now…and I finally feel FREE!
Quinoa > rice…I’m too impatient to cook rice! Lol
Favorite way to eat eggs: Runnyyyyyyyyyyy! ;P
I’m not sure if this applies to you, or ever has, but when I know I’m eating at home for a few days at a time I eat SO well and carefree. But throw going out to eat into the mix and things change. Like I don’t mind eating X amount at home but when you take me away from the food I’m used to and placed in an uncomfortable setting with uncomfortable food and ALCOHOL…that’s when things start to get a little iffy.
I don’t want this to sound like I’m attacking you in ANY way, but I’m just wondering..how often do you go out to eat? I know having a peanut allergy is a huge reason why you don’t go out much but I feel like I could do better with my eating if I DIDN’T go out as much. If that makes any sense. I guess to me, eating at home is comfortable and easy….but going out. That’s uncomfortable and the hardest part of recovery for me.
I hardly ever go out to eat unless it’s to satisfy a random fast food craving, but the thing is… I hardly ever went out to eat before I got sick too. My parents were a little overly paranoid and it’s just the way I was raised; that and a bad restaurant experience that landed me in a hospital didn’t make going out to eat any more appealing. I don’t have a problem eating things made by others if I don’t have to worry about my allergies, though, and being taken away from routine/familiarity when I’m off on vacation or something isn’t really a big deal either… if that counts.
That’s completely understandable, and I think the fact that it’s not a big deal to go on vacation or have other people cook for you shows huge progress =)
Beautiful post girl! I just want to HUG you. You are so honest and you have come so far! You are such an inspiration to me and everyone else! xoxo
i want to go into your past life (and all our past lives) and bonk our heads against a door. then say snap out of it! LIFE IS TOO SHORT! Can i do that? Oh wait, no, we must live, learn, and grow. You did, you inspire, you encourage, you are strong. xxoo
Wow you just wrote a journal entry about me. So many of those things were and are exactly the same for me- sometimes I’m absolutely baffled by the things I eat now without even thinking twice, when before I would have been in tears and extremely anxious. A huge one for me is candy- I never in a million years would have eating a piece of candy without the intention of purging and now I can barely go a day without it 🙂
Candy was a big one for me too, but now I have no idea what the heck I was thinking. Life’s too short to go without that little bit of extra sweetness!
Great post 🙂 It’s scary when we look back and see how disordered our thoughts were. Loving the eggs! For me it has to be fried eggs with runny yolks 🙂
Beautiful as always my love 🙂
This is def why I keep those food journals. I’ve thrown a majority of them away, but I have kept a big chunk, and it’s just a good reminder sometimes of how far I’ve come and what I’ve been through. Same thing with my other journals. One entire journal is devoted to the acidic relationship I was in before Ninja, and re-reading my thoughts, prayers, and pleas just really puts things into perspective at times.
And totally a rice lover, but I do like quinoa in things like salads 🙂
Awesomely thought-provoking as always, Amanda! This is a good reminder to take a flip through my own journals…all the fears, the obsessions, the shame…it’s not worth it, and it certainly hasn’t added anything positive or productive to my life. A good reminder, too, that some of the things I DID fear the most haven’t happened in spite of letting go of the unhealthy habits. A good reality check indeed.
Love this girl! And I can totally relate. Life with an ED was miserable. I used to fear fat like crazy, but I can’t relate to that at all anymore. Avocado, almond and seed butters, oils, cheese, full fat yogurt and butter are just the norm for me now.
I love wild rice – so much flavor and great texture! Chicken and rice with a side of green beans was a staple dinner in my house as a child and it remains one of my favorites!
Those journals must’ve been fascinating to go through! It’s so inspiring to see where you came from, and where you are now. An incredible journey to recovering! Oh and, chocolate chips by the handful are a totally acceptable dessert, and one of my personal favorites.
Yay for progress! I used to neeeever eat white bread or white rice. For some reason everything had to be whole grain and I would read labels like no other. I also wouldn’t allow myself to eat rice at dinner time. Now it doesn’t matter if it’s white rice, brown rice, quinoa, or any grain. I’ll eat it! 🙂
I definitely prefer rice over quinoa, and I love my eggs 60-70% cooked over a piece of toasty bread. YUM.